What if he really did love her?

This post may not be what you want to read if you recently discovered your husband’s affair or are within the first six months after D-day.

Immediately after my D-day I hated Bat Shit and I wanted my husband to hate her too. I’ve never hated anyone like I hated her. I wanted to destroy her life. I wanted her to suffer and hurt the same way I was in pain. It seemed like the easiest way for me to hurt her was to be absolutely positive that my husband no longer was attracted to her, no longer cared about her, and he didn’t want to be around her. When I wrote the letter to Bat Shit (that I never sent), my main focus was to invalidate every emotional connection she thought she had with my husband. I tore apart their relationship in my letter and I used words that I knew would cut like a knife if she ever read them. I wanted her to know that my husband had revealed intimate details of their sexual affair to me. I wanted her to know that I knew her insecurities and the secrets she had shared behind closed doors with my husband were exposed to me. I wanted her to know that I was the one holding all the cards going forward. She was powerless and meant nothing to me and my husband.

then it hits youAs I dissected my husband’s affair I never wasted an opportunity to point out when Bat Shit was manipulating him. It was more important that my husband hate Bat Shit than it was for me to hate her. I needed him to feel nothing and sever whatever emotional bonds that remained of their relationship. My husband needed to hate her. And honestly, I think I was successful in reaching that goal.

My husband told me he knew he never “loved” Bat Shit yet, I read emails that not only said “I love you” but were also gentle, affectionate, and sounded sincere. There were words in those emails that I still haven’t forgotten. They sting. They hurt. They still have the power to bring me to tears if I let them. He shared with her intimate thoughts and emotions. He shared with her things he couldn’t tell me. Now, two and a half years later, I am realizing that some of what my husband might have told me was not whole truths. I don’t think my husband lied to hurt me, I think he lied to save our marriage. I think he told me what I needed to hear, and perhaps, what he needed to believe too. I wanted him to tell me she meant nothing. I needed to believe she meant nothing to him. I wanted to believe there was no passion, no real relationship.reality

I have a different perspective now and I think he did care about her. He probably did love her in some way. Some people may minimize these feelings to infatuation, but I think there was an element of love. Their relationship was invented out of fiction and the lies they told each other were to avoid the truth. Fiction or not, they still felt something.

I guess it wouldn’t make sense to risk our marriage for someone that he didn’t care about. It wouldn’t make sense for a man who’s never even had a one night stand to cheat on his wife with a woman that he didn’t feel connected to intimately. I’m not saying what he felt for her rivaled our marriage, love, or passion, but I am recognizing that she meant something to him during the year they were involved.

This recognition doesn’t make it any easier or harder to move forward.

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80 thoughts on “What if he really did love her?

  1. As I read your post I was immediately reminded of a feeling I try to keep stuffed way down inside. That feeling of inferiority that I’ve let fester inside of myself having been traded in after 12 years and two daughters for BatShit that he wanted instead. My thoughts and prayers for your strength and endurance as you hold your family together

    • Don’t let those feelings of inferiority fester and grow. I tend to react emotionally, internalize other people’s treatment of me or actions. Try not to let that pain overwhelm you and take over your life.

  2. That revelation is as hard to take than learning of the affair itself. D-day was August 24th, 2014, My revelation came the week of February 3rd. I had made so much progress in healing after D-day up until the day of the revelation. I am struggling as again because of it. All I can say is pray, pray, pray. God is a God of healing and miracles. Hang in there.

  3. What made you finally realize this? It’s been almost three years d-day for me and honestly I”be been struggling with this since day one. I am still here though. Still committed. Outwardly at least. Not sure if I can ever get past it. I hang on to your posts. Your strength. Gives me hope.

    • It’s been this lingering thought in the back of my mind. Every so often I read a comment from a woman saying the same things I’ve said so many times: “My husband said she meant nothing. The sex meant nothing. He didn’t love her.” I kept thinking it doesn’t make sense to tell someone so many intimate details, so much about our life, and not feel anything. Then why go back?
      My therapist stressed to me the first time I met her that there is an excitement and allure to having an affair. It’s forbidden. But I think there is an excitement in connecting with another person. There’s an excitement in knowing someone desires you. Maybe after the fact it’s easier to minimalize those feelings and see how they were magnified beyond their actual meaning.

    • My realization came when her husband finally found out, yes I let my husband and “her” convince me that telling “her” husband would lead to the loss of both of their jobs and that “her” husband was violent and could fly off the handle. She lives 1000 miles away, they would meet up on business trips, had hidden Google account and gmail addresses and used her personal phone and my husbands business phone to hide it from b the company and ultimatly was able to hide it from me, i can’t see the phone records on his corporate phone. So almost 6 months later her husband found out, we talked and it came out my husband had not cut off communication with her. He was still calling her a lot the first few months, it had dwindled but not completely cut off. He lied to me, our counselor, our pastor saying he never contacted her ever again after discovery. He continued to risk me, his family and his job to stay in contact with her. I am hanging in there, but really struggling to ever trust again. I love my husband, I love our family and I am counting on our God who is bigger than all of this to get us thru.

      • I think it is much harder to stop communication with the affair partner than we know. Getting those emails/texts/phone calls is like a high for a cheating spouse. It’s the excitement that’s the drug that pushes it further.
        Many people told me not to trust that my husband cut off all contact with Bat Shit after D-day. I’ve never found any evidence to the contrary but I can see now how hard it might be.
        Has your husband stopped the contact at this point? After D-day when I first found out I started trying to fill that void for my husband. I would send him racy emails and texts during the day. I wanted him to want me and not want to contact her. It’s hard to do when you are hurt and angry but it helped me focus on us. It helped us connect on a very intimate level.

  4. It is scary but true that I also get the very same feelings you describe. It must have been some sort of love but never ever the love that he has for you otherwise he would not be where he is now. She met his immediate needs and he needed to show her this in return so we could look at the situation like a compartment. A compartment where he is finding what he perceives he needs and in doing so he needs to show her he cares ( because he is most probably a very nice man) and of course she falls for the attention and gives him everything he needs. Where is the love here? Really? It is just an arrangement of needs in a sucky little deceitful compartment that should be stamped out and thrown away.

    • Oh double yes, cheaterfantasy.
      I try to remember (delude) myself that this famous compartmentalisation is also what made my husband capable of running a complex business and lifestyle. I try to.
      The fact he could be so stupid and ‘had’ rather detracts from my admiration of him (irony, as that’s what he sought) no matter what dark box he puts it in. I always enjoyed his nieve enthusiasm till it bit me in the back. Every positive has a negative and so on.

    • They say men compartmentalize their lives. Boxes that are taken out when needed and stored away when they are no longer needed. I don’t think that my husband would have ever been with his affair partner if they were just in the dating world. I think they filled a need they each had for that time period (as fucked up as that sounds and wrong as it is). A healthy relationship is something totally different. But we all know people in unhealthy relationships that love their partners. Idk.

      • You have just reminded me that my husband actually said he didn’t even like his AP! He called the affair a pornographic abberation that simply should never have happened. He claims he told her he would never leave his family, that I was the love of his life, that I had gone off him. Where do I begin to unravel all the lies; both ways no doubt. Thus the “and then it hits you harder than you ever thought it would.”
        And then you have to hold hard against the blow and the temptation to sink into self pity.
        The pain as raw as the first day.
        So grateful for this blog.

  5. Love your words cheater fantasy.. Love them.
    and not in the sick twisted way my husband loved my ex-no best friend at all.
    It’s tough with M’s betrayal because really if that bitch is gone and was never a friend..
    Was M never really my husband always a fraud just waiting for a chance to backstab me?
    Always with this character defect that would have him lie and deceive me when it was convienient for him?

  6. This is a case of “that was then this is now”. First, Argyrodes was a sociopath and whatever “feelings” he had for her were part of her grooming. But thats not really the point. Lets suppose she wasn’t a sociopath who stalked us for a year before seeking the affair. What does it prove? That he thought limmerance for a slut wasnt limmerance for a slut. Does the fact he was delusional then change things and make it real? No. Does it make it all the sweeter that he sees through her and hates her now? Yep!

    I wouldnt be here in this marriage if he didnt hate her. Not because I am petty and want to punish her. Goodness there isnt a punishment worse than being a washed up whore is there? No, to me it shows he sees what she really is and what he was too. If he didnt then i would not want to be married to him. It isn’t about what he thought in his deranged head during the affair- though to me many of his “I love yous” were coaxed or coached out of him and that is clear in black and white. Who cares what a cheat thinks he thinks? What matters is what he thinks now and that is about whether he *really* values a whore and a slut or not. If he did, he would be living alone by now.

  7. I’m sure you know the litney ;
    Affairs are not about love
    Affairs are imagined and the participants “make each other up” to be what is needed
    The spouse that was narrow minded enought to do this didn’t think he’d get caught and therefore didn’t mean to hurt you. They hurt themselves as people of integrity the most .
    I know it doesn’t help! Xxx

  8. 22 months on since D Day and I am still tortured by the thought that he loved her. Why would he have risked everything otherwise. I’m broken. I feel so worthless. Why would he have had a 4 and half year relationship with someone he didn’t love. Why would he have treated me so badly during that time. He swears he didn’t love her , he says he thinks he was mentally ill during that period. Deep down I know that’s not true. I love him so much but I feel second best. He left me for her. Was back within days but he still left. And when he left he told me he loved her. That kills me. It shattered my heart. He claims he left and said that because he thought I would never forgive him. He told our children he didn’t love her and I would never forgive him. I just don’t buy it. Why would he want to hurt me even more by saying it if it wasn’t true. I know I need to accept he loved her and he doesn’t anymore and move on but I can’t. It doesn’t matter how wonderful things are now. I feel so sad. Everyone goes on about how glamorous I am and my wonderful life. Yet it’s a facade. My marriage has been forever tainted. We have been together over 33 years and I thought I knew him. Turns out he isn’t the man I thought adored he. He loved her. Was willing to risk everything for her. I’m just the also run.

    • Dear Mimosa61,
      I know this sounds outrageous, but don’t take it so personally! He did this to himself, and yes, he was not the person you thought he was. Maybe you can live with that if you can be grown up for two untill he takes over acting and feeling like one as well. It wasn’t love, it wasn’t you, it was an alternative to finding his own heart and making a bridge to you. My husband was afraid of losing me but craved that new admiration reflected in a strangers eyes. I was unlucky but lucky in that he had years to realise what an empty bottomless trap he had fallen into. He never expected to be found out once he came to his senses. He never meant to hurt. Could you be in a similar situation? It’s a long road and no matter how it turns out, traveling it will make you strong enough to believe in the outcome.

      • Dear Robin Thank you for your kind words . You are right . My husband has tried so hard to make things right. I know he is devastated by the pain he has caused me. stay strong xx

    • This is so me. Married over 30 years in a fabulous relationship. Just 5 months before, we had gone on a Caribbean trip of which he told everyone he had the time of his life. Had got a great promotion and had every reason to count himself blessed. The other woman was complete opposite from me– older, plain, different body type. She refused certain sexual positions or acts we always did. I don’t understand the intrigue and I struggle every day– my heart is crushed. I have lived for him devoting my whole life to him. I feel like the biggest fool ever when I think back to all the lies he told me. She knew Me. She interacted with me when we were around each other. She told me after I found out that either he has confessed a lie to me or I’ve dreamed up in my mind differently than the way it was– I don’t know what hat means because he’s shared every intimate detail. He told me at first that he was in love with her. Now he says he wasn’t, but I just can’t get past all the deceit and the lack of empathy and care for what I was going through at the time I’m the one who had every reason to have an affair by the way I was being treated. It’s been almost two years since I found out. The relationship went on sexually for a year and a half and emotionally for 3 years

      • Don’t think we ever understand why our husbands did what they did Beth. Likewise just as they distorted the truth about our marriages in order to have an affair – they now want to change what they did and wish it all away. Try to unsay what they said , make what they did unimportant . Accepting that the person you thought you knew inside out has that hidden dark side is so hard. Sometimes I hate myself for staying with my husband. He was a different person during his affair and I picked up on that within days of it starting. Just wished I’d acted on my intuition. The deceit and lack of empathy are symptoms of an affair. My husband has told me that he couldn’t look at himself in the mirror. Didn’t stop him though. All I can say to you Beth is they chose to be with us. They chose to walk on eggshells and try to make things work . If they didn’t love us – why would they still be here?

      • Not facing a reality check, accepting what went wrong, preferring to stay in our romantic dreamworld, does nothing for our healing. Leaving the should’a and could’a behind and accepting that yes they had feelings for someone else, that their needs were being met by someone else is no shame on us. Bruised egos eventually heal and we become more trustful of our wayward spouse.

        It’s not easy, and if you can’t get over it, then do yourself and your everyone a favor and end it. If they worth staying, then they are worth loving.

    • Mimosa61, i felt such a rush of recognition of similar feelings and such sympathy for you in your pain. Because it is pain, even two years later it is raw pain sometimes. No matter how beautiful he thinks I am now, he loves me, wants to be with me, respects me for the wonderful mother and woman that he thinks I am. For two years he loved her, told her she was beautiful no doubt and risked everything to be with her. He says it was just bed talk! That just makes me think he is a shallow worthless man and how can I love someone like that. In between bad days I love him but I find that I cannot say the words, especially not in bed … they have been devalued somehow. I am just so depressed a lot of the time and want to wake up and not think about the affair at all. Am I going crazy?

      • Anonymous crazy – it’s just so hard isn’t it ? I wonder if we are sabotaging our own recovery because we cannot stop thinking about. But I have tried everyway I can to get it out of my head even hypnotherapy . I compare myself to her, everything we do or talk about – I wonder if he did that with her. My marriage always felt so safe, so secure. My trust in him was unshakable and I’m shattered. My main focus is that he loved her. I know he told her he did over and over again . He called her his angel and brought her the perfume of the same name. She thought he was going to divorce me and marry her. He says it was all bullshit and he said whatever she wanted so she wouldn’t tell me. I think he is talking bullshit. I think he was so wrapped up in her and their affair he meant every word he said to her. I think hindsight is a wonderful thing and perhaps now he realises that it was all based on a big fat lie , I think he sees what she really is and doesn’t like her. So he wants to deny what he felt then. However why did he risk everything for someone who meant nothing to him ? Anonymous crazy we have just to somehow accept what has happened. I refuse to celebrate our wedding anniversary. I look on our anniversary as the day we decided to stay together. That way it’s as if we are in a new relationship . I hope you find peace. You will get there – I will get there. Everyday we are getting closer. One day you will go a whole day without thinking about it , then two ……. Xx

  9. This really hit home for me. I am just a year since Valentine’s Day out from Dday. I discovered my husbands affair because I heard his voice having conversations with her on a digital recorder five times throughout the day year. The first conversation I heard was at 7:45am right after he got home from dropping our girls off at school. When I heard him talking to someone on the phone it took me a few minutes to register that he was not talking to me when he ended the call with “I love you to baby”! I hope you have a great day too”. I too spent months pouring my energy into hating her and making my husband hate her! I too feel like I was successful. The biggest differences is that I too loved “whore” at one point. She was my “best friend” and neighbor for three years. I knew all the rumors about her but did not care. She was my “friend” and on the surface was very good to me. Our whole families where close friends. My kids loved her and could come and go from her house as they pleased. She bought me gifts and I her. We served at a wedding together because caterer she knew needed help. I shared with this woman all my marriage complaints and she gave me very helpful advice in order to keep my husband and I from fighting. They were both very convincing that there was nothing going on. Never showed signs that they were “in love”. He even told me that he did not have her phone number in his phone because that would be inappropriate and disrespectful to me. We worked exactly the same hours and he was always home with me and went to bed with me. How could he be having an affair. The biggest struggle for me was not the sex. It is the lies and the acting and the “I love you” to another woman. He says he never loved her it was just the excitement and the sex. He admitted to me that it was hard for him the first couple of days not to call her or see her but the fact that he would lose me and how badly I was hurting quickly out an end to these feelings. So I wonder did he truly love her? Does it matter? Could my husband drop a woman he actually loved like a bad habit and move us away?

    • Honestly I don’t think it matters if any of our husbands loved their affair partners. When they had to choose to fight for their marriages or walk away – they stayed and fought.
      I know this post is going to be controversial because we each have our own perspective of an affair, an affair partner, etc. I don’t question whether my husband still loves her or if how he cared about her was taking away from the love he felt for me. I believe that during the affair his emotions were real. He felt them just like a 16 year old can fall in love and then we grow older and claim that a teenager is not capable of feeling the true capacity of love. I think there are different ways we love people that come into our lives.
      My husband said he was never with his affair partner for the sex. He acknowledged from the beginning that it was more of an emotional fulfillment that she offered him. I just think that it’s possible my husband told me what we both needed to hear post-D-day. If he had told me how much he loved her and missed her I would have left him.

  10. Thank you for another great post. I have had these same thoughts many times. I think it’s easier to push them out of my mind and not dwell on them but they do creep back in at times. Just curious, have you ever considered posting the letter you wrote to her and never sent? I wrote a similar letter and it helped a lot.

  11. My husband has been very honest with me, sometimes too honest. He told me he never loved her but that they hooked up primarily for sex. I do believe he never loved her but he definitely lusted after her, fell in lust with her. He felt lonely, was getting old, was stressed at work and she was there, happy to stroke his ego. And he was there for her, stroking her ego too, telling her she was beautiful, liked seeing her smile. Who doesn’t want to hear that? I never expected my husband to hate her, it never even dawned on me in fact. I can hate her enough for the both of us. Its enough that he hates himself for what he did.

    When I asked him several months after D Day if he missed what he had with her… the year of communication that followed their affair, he said that he did, that it had taken up so much of his time that its absence was noticeable. Now I don’t think he misses it at all. He has moved on… its just me who can’t seem to be able to 😦

    • I think the communication and excitement of exchanging messages with someone is a difficult void to fill at first. Not because they love us any less but because there was a desire, lust, and an element of the unknown. Something different to fill the days.

  12. After I read this post I made a realization. I do not think your husband loved or had any feelings for this women (bat shit….I love your creativity) he had love for the feelings she provided him. The truth is she was no one special and it had nothing to do with her. If an inanimate object had been able to provide him those feelings he would have gravitated towards it. It was never the woman he had any feelings for it was the high he had feelings for….. the illuision. His feelings he had were for the feeling. Women like this are the equivalent of a conman. They pray on weakness stroke egos and pretend they don’t see men’s faults. They tell them everything they want to hear. These women enjoy the game and your husband should hate her she is screwed up and used him to try and over come her own feelings of being inferior. He told her he loved her not because he felt sorry for her, not because he loved her, but to keep her stroking his ego. He needed to think someone saw only his good qualities and didn’t focus on his flaws. The truth is he never gave himself the real him to her. She only saw the perfect unflawed side of him. He has never given the real true flawed him to anyone but YOU! That is real feelings that is real love willing to give your flawed self to someone else. To let down the walls and have such feeling that you will be vulnerable. He has only ever loved you and only ever had real feelings for you. The feelings he had with her were for himself not her. He was actually in a selfish relationship with her his needs were the main priority. Everything he did for her was for him to get something in return. The things he does and things he says to you are for you not himself. She never had a relationship with him at all. Not a loving emotional or relationship. I hope my perception of your situation does not offend you. Have a great weekend.

  13. I am almost 2.5 years out as well…yes I hear what you say and I have had those feelings as well…but I tend to think along the lines of what Robin wrote…Affairs are NOT about love…
    My husband is a “nice guy” and somehow in his sad mind at that time, if he was going to have sex with this person, he knew he had to have the “feelings” to go along with this …and thus a shit storm is born!
    When I found his phone on dday and saw the email that ended with “I love you too” my heart fell….but in that shock and awe moment I realized I was not throwing him out and when I confronted him I NEVER even asked or considered that he was REALLY in love with her….I also have never seen or read any REAL emails…the only ones I saw were basically “the coast is clear you can come over” from her ….
    then her pathetic begging ones after dday…
    This entire self made mess is based on pure and basic selfishness. My “nice guy” was not a “nice guy” at all in that time in his life….because IT WAS ALL ABOUT HIM…

  14. I think I have a different view. Knowing the other woman as well as I did. Knowing the affair started before I became friends with her, but continued on after we became friends. And the four years of deep friendship during/post affair… I guess those experiences combined with the note I found when she “broke up” with him lead me to believe a few things…
    Did he “love” her? Probably not in the same marital sense. But he did have intense feelings, either for her or for what they had, or for what she could provide for him at that moment in life.
    He did absolutely care for her. In the four years of friendship, he showed concern, treated her daughter and husband with respect (obviously in public… they both cheated on her husband and daughter the same as they did me and my little loveys).
    I know that she was dealing with some significant post partum (sp?) depression at the time.

    Yet, I don’t view her as being the instigator, being a deceiver. My husband wasn’t coerced. He opened the fucking door to this affair. I believe he was searching for something that quite honestly, no matter what I did, could not fulfill in his life. Nobody could but his faith which he refused to be genuine about in that time of his life.

    I was having success at work. He wasn’t. I was going places, growing, learning, developing WORK ONLY relationships with clients across the country who’s job titles made him feel less.

    I saw the phone records from that time. We went to counseling at that time. I sought help from our pastors at that time.

    But he did have feelings for her. She is/was a very likeable person. Very fun. (not anymore obviously, she has no place in my life or his).

    But I hold HIM accountable for HIS choices. They are both held accountable for the four years of lies in my life. But HE CHOSE to fuck her. He CHOSE to lie to me, over and over.

    He’s not a little lamb, easily manipulated. He’s a grown, educated, world experiences man.

    Sorry… I’m rambling. I know we all have different experiences. I just cannot let myself allow him to get off the hook for his choices, no matter the reason. He wasn’t forced into this.

    • You are so right. My husband went looking for “intimacy” when our marriage became “stale.” He actively sought out someone that he could have sex with. He made the most selfish choice a husband could make. Did she know he was married? Absolutely. Did she care? Absolutely not. But it was HIS choice. HIS lie. HIS selfish needs put first. The other woman, while despicable and disgusting, pathetic and selfish, was HIS choice. He is responsible first.

  15. It seems like every time I come here, it’s exactly what i’m struggling with at the time.
    We are nearing the 1 year mark (post d-day).
    Unlike you, my husband DID say that he loved her.
    Then he changed his mind as time went by, and now says he “thought he loved her.”
    I am so tired of this journey, but it helps a lot to know I’m not alone in what I’m going through.
    Thank you for your posts.
    -Jane

    • That is exactly what my husband said to at first it was yes and then quickly changed to “I thought I loved her” and now he would say he “never loved her.” I wonder what he will say if he reads this post? :/

      • Funny notion, of all parties reading this post and finding themselves dissected. Would be a hoot. Almost wish they would. Do you ever hear your inner child screaming ‘but he had no right to find out if he did or didn’t love her!!! That’s the forsaking all others part, hello”? I didn’t mumble ‘or nearest offer’
        ..and my husband would never cheat on a business contract; or would he?
        You sure opend another interesting discussion, thank you.

    • Dear Jane,
      At year one my exact words ‘I’m so tired of this journey.’
      I really was ready to quit (as in divorce) till I faced the fact that that wouldn’t actually help either. I think I started feeling less to blame through sheer exhaustion. Then began to back away and see the whole mess more objectively and put more emphasis on him pulling us out of this quagmire.
      I have read everything I could find.
      This blog helps so much in the late night when I know I need to back off and listen to someone else’s perspective or just have company that understands. Cheers.

    • We understand your fatigue Jane. It’s crazy isn’t it? The real physicality that an affair has on not just them. So many times I scream inside, “I just want off the rollercoaster!”

  16. When I asked him my husband first said that you can’t sleep with someone and not have feelings for them. The second time I asked he said they he never had with her what we have. The third time he finally said that no, he never loved her and never told her that he did. I don’t really care anymore. I just want to move on and create the marriage I deserve. If it can’t be with him then I’ll move on without him. But as of now, we’re working together.

  17. Still a work in progress. i just can’t understand why this happened. She will always be less than a person to me and I still hold resentment for him and will never trust him again. After 4 kids and almost 16 years of marriage I refuse to give up on my marriage. Glad to see I’m not alone in the struggle. Its been 2 years since d-day and will continue to move forward in life.

  18. It was so hard to think that my husband loved his AP but the truth is he loved the person she pretended to be. Once he was out of the fog he saw that she had manipulated him as she had so many men before him and that he was just another challenge for her to conquer. He knew she had other men before him but she lead him to believe that he was exclusive. In one of her letters to me she admitted she LET him live in that fantasy world. It was all a game for her. So I believe yes at the time he THOUGHT he was in love with her but he found out he was in love with me and chose to stay. Honestly now looking back I don’t think my husband knew what love was but when he saw what he had done to me the scales fell of his eyes. Almost three years later and I have the man i knew he could be and she has nothing!. I don’t hate her ( she was a very sick woman with a sexual addiction) and it doesn’t bother me that he thought he was in love cause today he knows the truth and has discovered what real love is by being with me. I’m not happy he had the affair but man I am so glad that something happened to get us where we are today. I hold my husband 100% accountable to the choices he made but I have 100% forgiven him and we have and incredible awesome marriage today. I don’t hurt anymore or have triggers. Our healing has been nothing short of a miracle. What happened was horrible for both of us but we chose to move forward and not live in the pain but in the “what could be”. He made a promise to me to make me feel like the most loved woman in the world and from that day he has kept his word. Sometimes I shake my head and say, “Who is this man?” If we believe they are repentant and sorry, even in our pain we need to let them have a chance to become the men we know they can be. It’s not letting them off the hook for what they did but we are allowing them to grow and change into incredible men who want to spend the rest of theirs and our lives building a marriage that we can grow old in together til death do us part! It’s not easy and it’s definitely a journey but it’s doable!! Blessings on all of you as you are on your journeys.

    • My husband has changed dramatically too, but how do you do it? The constant images of them together, the memories of things and events where he was totally checked out and I was oblivious because I thought it was the stress of his new job, the hiding money, the business trip during a snow storm that just HAD to be taken when he brought her to our house to meet for the trip— all these things haunt me on a daily basis. The first thing I think when I wake up is about HER. Her –telling me that I’ve been given a wrong version of the story or I’ve created in my mind a story not true. She is destroying me and I just want it to stop. Any help is so aporeciated

      • It takes time don’t rush yourself but what I did was every time that would happen to me and I caught myself I would pray, think of something that made me happy or remind myself that I had forgiven her and didn’t want to be held captive by her. Sometimes all at once. He stayed with me and could have went after her so I found great comfort in that. But it takes time to heal but I do think we can have a little control there. The more you focus on the man you know he can become and look forward instead of back the quicker she will become an after thought. Let your focus on having a great marriage help you push past the pain. She doesn’t deserve your time and since you are seeing significant change in your hubby you are on a good path! Hang in there. Make a plan that when ever your thoughts go in the “what they did direction ” you will do something to change your environment, thought or actions. I hardly ever think about it anymore unless I’m blogging but the pain is no longer there. I celebrated every change my hubby made for good and let him know. That changed me too! Xxxx’s

      • Thanks to all who took the time to reply to my comments. I can truly say that your words of encouragement have helped me more than I could ever say. It helps so much to hear from those who have experienced the pain of betrayal and rejection. I do try to look forward and know she is a bundle of deceit, disrespect, selfishness, and lack of integrity all in one very ugly package. I told my hubby the other day it amazes me that he felt so bad about himself to stoop to her level— he was so much better. Sometimes though, because I knew her and she’s been in my house several times, I read or remembe all the comments she’s said blaming him and I get caught up in what she thinks

    • I needed to read this today. It has been 2 years for us and I am still struggling with total forgiveness. I hope to be where you are one day soon. Thanks for your words.

  19. I just wanted to share my perspective as I know how such thoughts can try to intercede above the real truth of things. I know how such negative thoughts can arise within our minds but we must always go to the source that brings peace to these thoughts which is the truth of Godly principles as such principles will tear down any such negative thoughts. When such thoughts start to arise within me as I have experienced these things as well, I remind myself to bring every thought into captivity to God’s word.

    So in following such principles by bringing such thoughts captive to God’s word, I can confidently say this in regards to your husband’s affair that he didn’t love the woman of his affair according to God. And it is hurtful to say but he didn’t even understand how to love God’s way for his own wife, marriage, and family because if he did he would have never broken his vows and betrayed his wife. He also would have never defiled himself, his marriage bed and another woman for that matter. His affair was not righteous nor was it Godly. We can clearly call affairs or any other relationship that is sexual outside of marriage unholy. Unholiness simply means it is evil because it lacks any righteousness. God does not reside in both holiness and evil but only holiness….therefore the relationship your husband had with this other woman was evil as it went against Godly principles. Love never resides in evil!

    When we talk about the word LOVE, we are talking about God’s definition of love which is the kind of love that God wants all husbands and wives to operate in which is self sacrificing and operates without selfish motives and puts others before themselves. It is the kind of love you are operating in now to still love and forgive someone even after they hurt and devastated you. This kind of love would never defile, hurt, lie, steal or destroy a person. Your husband not only defiled himself in the affair but you, the marriage, the family and also the other woman before God. And she, the other woman, not only defiled herself but defiled your husband, you, your marriage and your family as well before God. There is never any love in defilement. The relationship they had was an evil perversion of God’s LOVE and stemmed from the lust of the flesh. People who operate in sin to the lust of the flesh always fall into the trap of delusional emotions. They may think or feel that they have feelings for this person or that person because of the sexual involvement but it is only a deception because true feelings can never be validated while someone is operating in sin.. . TRUE LOVE operates in Godly principles which are not based on emotions. Emotions can lie to us if we don’t know God’s truth. God’s true love and the kind of love we should all operate in is holy and, righteous. This kind of love is impossible to find between two people who are committing sexual sin.

    Regardless what your husband did with her and what he shared with her God looks at it all and says…IT IS UNLAWFUL, UNHOLY, UNGODLY, UNRIGHTEOUS and EVIL!!
    This is the real truth of how God looks at it so with that it is up to us to conform our thoughts to Godly thoughts. Don’t allow negative thoughts to torment you but crush these negative thoughts according to how God sees it. In doing so you will be able to move forward in restoring your marriage. I know it is not fair that we as wives should even have to battle such thoughts but we are bearing the burden of our husband’s choice to sin. I can only say in time it gets better and those thoughts will come and go quickly if we can learn how to overcome them. God will teach us and gives us the strength to overcome if we ask him because as he is the restorer of all things and yes God is willing to restore all marriages if we allow him to help us. He is definitely our helper in time of need!

  20. 11 months out from DDay, and I have also struggled with this. As several others have said, my husband initially said yes, he had loved her. Then it became he thought he had loved her. And now he speaks with shock, and says he absolutely did not love her and can’t imagine how he fooled himself into thinking he did.

    On our initial DDay, my husband denied any real affair and said he had just been talking with another woman (sent me on a bunny trail) but that nothing had happened. These first 17 days, he was quiet, sad, and gentle, but detached. Those first few counseling sessions he shared he was unhappy in our marriage, thought he wanted a divorce-wanted more from his life-but absolutely had not and would not have an affair. After 17 days, I found a letter from SW (slut-whore) that clearly showed a deep relationship that had lasted nearly a year, and many I love yous. He immediately broke contact with her (to the best of my knowledge) and we began our very painful road of healing.

    Was the love real? I sort of see it like encapsulated in a little one-way mirrored bottle of space and time, it was real. The rest of life was going on…our marriage, our family, his career, my career, our friends…and he lived this little false life within that bottle where he could see the rest of us, but we had no idea what was going on REALLY with him. She only existed inside that bottle with him. Can that be love? Or is it really ALWAYS just an illusion? Our therapist shared a concept that has really helped me – we can confuse intensity with intimacy. So in the early days of an affair when my husband knew, he knew that the conversation was going over the line, he experienced intensity that was masked as intimacy. And it went on from there and since it was ALWAYS about secrecy and avoiding getting caught and carried its own brand of thrill, there was always a form of intensity.

    During those 17 days before I knew there was a real affair, my husband admits that he was grieving. He was going into what the affair partners call “low contact” and he missed the all-day-long texting and videos they had shared. He wondered how he would do it, let go, and he even wrote her a poem during that time. It scalded me. I think that’s why he appeared sad and detached to me. However now, I honestly believe it was like he was walking out of the fog, or watching that glass bottle break from around him. Was it love? I do not think so. But I do think there was a year that he thought so. I can live with that.

  21. I read this the other day and my knees buckled. Your strength and determination are awe inspiring. I am a year and a half from my original d-day. I have commented before…I am the teacher whose husband had sexual affairs with at least four different strippers over a three year period. Yes, I am still with him but things are BAD. I have completely checked out of the marriage. I am either crying or screaming at him. I know he didn’t love them. I know it was sexual. I know he has not spoken to or seen any of them since I discovered the infamous text. Why is it that I know these things for certain and I can’t move on and others are unsure or possibly know their husband’s were in love and can move forward? I wish I knew. I want nothing more than to save my family.

    He has tried everything to help us/himself/me/our family. Yet I still feel so completely worthless, ugly, and unloved. I don’t allow him to touch me anymore and we barely speak. I literally print out photos of the whores (Snaggle Tooth, McTrashy, Dumba$%, and my very own Bat Shit) and stand next to them and scream, “Look at me! Look at them! No stretch marks from babies on them! No drooping boobs from nursing for two years! They were f-ing 6 years old when we were dating at 22!” I can not believe the things I say and do sometimes. I scare myself. I am going through this alone as I’ve chosen to not tell anyone. I can not bear the thought of sitting down our two young children and telling them that we are divorcing. The thought gives me nightmares. I feel completely stuck….after all this time. I wish I had your fortitude and resolve. I wish I could “get over” this, but I can’t. Once, in counseling, my husband said she is walking a mile-long tightrope, in the dark (in reference to my recovery).

    I thought for a while I could save my marriage. I tried, but the feelings just keep creeping in. The feelings of rage towards them, him, me. I whisper every night that I hate him. It is toxic for me. But I find myself wondering if I will ever have the kind of deep connection I had with him with another man? Will fear keep me in my marriage? God, I hope not. If I didn’t have two kids running around today, I’d be under the covers with a bottle of tequila and some sad movies right now!

    Sorry for the venting. I am just completely out of it today. It’s a really bad day.

    • Elyse, I am far from an expert being just ten months from my own D-day but I do know this, you need help. You need help to either make this marriage work or to move on. You cannot go on living in this hell. Have you tried the affair recovery web site? It has so much helpful information. There’s a class for you, one for him, and we just finished the EMS Online…it was a marriage saver for us.

      Whatever you decide to do get help so that you respect yourself again. And remember, you are not to blame for his actions.

      Good luck.

  22. I’ve read your posts (and comments) over the past year and have found your blog to be so helpful. I’m just about a year and a half past my original D Day. I say original because I had a series of them. The first was when I saw text messages and confronted my husband, but was told it was harmless flirting. Over the next month, he continued to lie to me and finally told me he loved her. There was a point where he wasn’t sure who he wanted and after meeting with her (with my knowledge) decided to end it was her. That was January of last year. Through the past year, I have struggled with coming to terms with the emotional affair, rebuilding trust again, and accepting he told another woman he loved her. Like many of you, I can recall all the painful details and have actually met the OW. I was finally at a turning point around New Years and my entire world was shooken up again. She started contacting my husband over email, which he ignored. Over the next week, she reached out to me over Facebook and then showed up at my house to apologize and claiming that the relationship of over a year had just ended. Needless to say, my world was turned upside down. My husband finally told me that she had been contacting him at work several times over the last year and threatened to make up stories to me if he wouldn’t take her back. He had withheld this information from me because she didn’t matter to him, didn’t want to make things worse for us, and he didn’t think she would actually do anything.
    My husband has been shocked by her actions and has told me how he has realized that he never really loved her and that he just got caught up in the excitement, attention, etc. It still hurts me to know that he told those words to someone else and that he jeopardized our family for something he thought was real, but I’m working on accepting that with therapy (both couples and individual). Where I’m getting stuck is that I find myself not being able to let go of her. I search for her on the internet and have come across a picture of my husband and her that she posted on a website. This picture makes me so upset … I know I could just not look at it, but I hate knowing it’s out there. She is supposedly in a new relationship, but has not taken the picture down. I am seriously contemplating reaching out to her and asking she remove it, but I’m not sure if that’s a good idea. I feel like she has all the control in the situation and I don’t want to make it worse. Any advice would be greatly appreciated ….

    • I understand your husband’s reasons for not telling you about the AP’s initiatives to try to get him back. I don’t agree but I get it. My husband told me once that his AP would park her car (after d-day) near his business and walk in front of his business to pick-up her children from school. There are a multitude of places she could have parked but she knew that he used to probably see her do that when they were cheating. But my husband didn’t tell me this right away. I got angry and told him that I needed to know if they saw each other even if there was no communication. I think he thought that was a bit much but eventually he got it. Everything is baby steps. The cheater has to change their thought process because they are trying to protect us (their wives) but sometimes “protecting” us is just a lie by omission.
      Stop looking at the AP on social media. I totally get it because I did the same thing. I would fall into the rabbit hole of looking her up to see if she was in a new relationship or pining over my husband or whatever. It always ended up hurting me. Always. No matter what I found it caused me pain, anger, or put another obstacle between me and my husband. Just let her go. She’s not important so don’t give her any more attention or thought than she deserves.
      BUT, there’s a picture of them togeher which makes it a bit stickier. Idk what I would do because that would truly piss me off too. (Do you like my flip-flopping here?). Hmmm. Have you communicated with her before? Can you flag the picture as inappropriate?

    • Lisa, Ouch. She probably won’t remove it and will enjoy knowing it bothers you. She tried to steal your husband and has no compassion for you. Or anyone. I don’t think she has control now that the secret is out, she has none if your husband is no longer letting her manipulate him. Just irritation.
      Another photo situation; my husband asked his AP to remove work of his on her website that she claimed to have done. She just made the photos larger. Gotta laugh, yes? Pathetic. But I suppose she learned that I have her pegged as a thief. So does he.
      Maybe someone else out there has experience with social media? Facebook would drive me nuts. I cancelled mine.
      Try drawing over a print of the photo and make it a joke, then throw it away and say the hell with her.
      Do talk to your therapist about it, as it hurts, don’t overlook it. I would like to hear what the therapist says!
      The general pain does diminish. Common sense eventually prevails through the incredible turmoil of emotions. x

  23. If his feelings for her were “real” they would have lasted. If his feelings for her were “real” then he would have fought to keep her at your expense. In the end cheats don’t love anybody while they’re cheating, not you, not her, not even themselves which is all they’re thinking about. It is an act of self-soul-destruction (unless they are already a sociopath with no soul).

    In the end whose position do you want? The tainted and scarred love you have? Or whatever that was she had that still smells like a decaying carcass? Because bad as it is to be in our position, and God knows I don’t sugarcoat that, I wouldn’t be in her position for anything.

    • I agree with you about if the feelings were real. I told my husband that if the monster that manipulated her way into your life really loved you she would have fought tooth in nail to keep you. It also turned out that monster all of a sudden decided she was a lesbian and started another predator like relationship with a very fragile girl. She crushed that girl. This is not love. I think the cheaters enjoy the excitement of the cheating. Cheating comes with a huge price tag.

  24. It takes just as much energy to hate as it does to love. In both cases you are thinking of the other person constantly, doing things because of the other person, changing your habits for them etc…in almost every instance it take the same amount of effort.

    Feeling/Thinking nothing for the “other” is the goal in my opinion.

    I promise as time goes on, they fade from your life as long as you allow it. Time does heal some wounds…the pain lessens.

  25. I never really thought about if my husband really loved the other woman. I guess I always just assumed he didn’t but i don’t think I really want to know.

    My issue is respect. Sometimes he says things or does things to me or our children that really anger me. I won’t defend him and am finally gaining the strength to stand up to him. I have realized during the time he was off having his affair that I could take care of the children, the house, and work on my own. I didn’t need him! And because of this issue, I have also lost respect for him. Not only because of the affair but because of who he has become. he blames me for his affair, puts me down constantly because I don’t understand how someone could do that to someone they “love” and he treats me as though I am his slave. So, I am hardened now. I don’t respect him. and I don’t know how to get that back! I feel as though he needs to earn it back from me and our children? Does this make any sense? Has anyone else ever felt like this? What are you thoughts about having respect for you husband? How do you show it/get it back?

    Thanks
    Stacy

    • Sorry – this comment was somehow buried in my feed. I think respect has to be rebuilt. It takes a very humble cheater to recognize not only what needs to change, but how much work needs to be done. I think my husband’s willingness to be answer my questions and be honest helped me respect him. I also think he stepped up. He became more engaged with me and our children. He was no longer just going through the motions. He wanted to show me what I meant, how much he wanted to rebuild our marriage, and rebuild our lives together.

    • My husband went into a seven month live in ministry sexual sin program that teaches men about taking full accountability for their actions. It is unacceptable to blame others for their wrong choices and there is no excuse for having sex outside of marriage period. What he is doing is a form of trying to justify something that is wrong! Sounds like your husband has a lot of pride and doesn’t want to admit to his wrong choices…It will never get any better for your relationship if he cannot be accountable for his actions and yes he does need to take full accountability and do whatever it takes to mend his marriage. He should become the low man to do whatever it takes to mend the relationship. You on the other hand should show him grace if he is willing to get help. One thing the program counselors teach the women is that we are not to condemn our husbands by calling them names,rubbing their face in what they did, or use it as weapon for our own motives. However, he must be open with you about everything without going into the sexual details…he must be willing to follow an accountability list that you both agree too so that you can begin to build trust for him again. If he is unwilling to follow any accountability, it just shows he is only focused on himself and his needs only. If this is the case, then you need to reevaluate your position…True healing can not come unless certain steps are taken and followed. He already crossed a major boundary and he is continuing to do so while he treating you in such a degrading manor. Fighting for your marriage means to take the steps to heal your marriage and follow the steps to bring that healing. But if he is unwilling to take the steps to fight for his marriage then you will be stuck in a cycle of pain that will only continue on until you decide you are done with such a cycle. I am praying of you.Stacy…If you want any resources for such help just let me know and then I will link it here….

  26. If love means lying cheating then lying to get pity me sex hmm not what I’ve given as love nor do I ever sink so low as to sink in the filthy I love you sewer where the whores who were my husbands partners in crime hmm yuck nasty gross they can keep it . Love is many things but two faced cheating is NOT love narcissism YES love no. Cheaters are exactly like teenagers in love I’ve raised 7 my 8th is 15.

  27. My husband told me early on that he DID love her. It haunts me to this day even though he says now what he felt wasn’t really love. He said he must have loved me the entire time or why didn’t he leave when he could have so many times? It certainly doesn’t help my feelings. I’ve loved him so so much for 30 years. Why now when never before? It’s been almost two years since I found out and I just can’t get better, can’t let it go. How can I move on? I really want to……..

    • You have a few posts… and I’ve been away from my blog for a few weeks. I wanted to respond to you. Sorry for the delay.
      Moving forward (for me) is a cognitive decision. It’s easy to get caught up in the emotional roller coaster of the affair. It’s easy to get stuck or spiral out of control. Instead I choose to keep trying to move forward. I don’t want to be anyone’s victim. I want to be a survivor.
      Your husband’s affair was not about you. It was about something he felt was lacking and he tried to fill that void with another woman. Affairs become like an addiction though. They have a life of their own and they have the power to destroy lives.
      Keep talking to your husband. Let him know how you feel. It’s hard two years later but it’s better than wher we came from.

  28. First time reader, first time commenter… 11/8/13 D-Day and so much still hurts. Sex seems to be my trigger. I haven’t figured out how to be in the moment & trust in his desire & love for me.

    I don’t want to believe he loved her. I think Nephila’s comments were very on-point for what I want to believe. My husband was her 3rd (known) AP…she was his first. They were teachers in the same school, same department. He had just turned 40. He has always battlef his personal feelings of abandonment thanks to a completely absent biological father (mom’s husband #2) & a drug-addicted adoptive father who bailed after 6 yrs then unreliablely popped in & out for another 10yrs (mom’s husband #3). Knowing all of this & more, I still haven’t figured out how to completely forgive him. I’m not sure I really know what 100% forgiveness looks like in human form.

    I never imagined this would be my story. Some days it feels to heavy to carry so I stuff it in a bag & shove it to the back of my emotional closet, yet I always know it’s there. Many times I need that bag so it gets unpacked, sometimes my morbid curious it’s gets the best of me & I pull the bag out to sort through it all piece by piece. I fear these feelings are becoming part of who I am. Ugly yet comfortable. It’s almost like I hold on to all of it for some fateful day when I may need it. Crazy really.

    I’m glad I found this blog. I will be back. Hopefully it will be a better day.

    • It’s hard to let go of that bag and not pull it out. I have this blog to release my feelings but there were times I just couldn’t let go of the affair, his AP, or the pain. I would start down a rabbit hole that was no good for me. At some point I just had to tell myself to stop for my own good.
      Forgiveness is a harder road than I really ever thought. Because there are times where I felt like I had truly forgiven my husband but then feelings that were buried surface and reveal themselves and I realize there is more to forgive. Sometimes it’s more for my own good than anyone elses.

      • I think what you are experiencing is very common and this is what is called TRIGGERS! But yes it is pain coming forward that needs to be dealt with…I have those triggers too! But don’t be so hard on yourself as this is part of the healing process. We will have TRIGGERS! In fact, I just had one the other day….I was so angry and upset because I had to go to a local phone carrier as I couldn’t fix the problem I was having with my phone over the phone. One of the women my husband had an affair with works at one of the chain stores of this local phone carrier…My concern was that I would go to this place and see her there. I told my husband that it wasn’t fair that I was having to pay the price and consequences of his wrong choices. It wasn’t fair that I had to go to such a store and worry about seeing her there. Fortunately, I didn’t see her there and Thank God for that! But how would I have handled it if I did see her there…I DON’T KNOW….I am sure something would have arose in me towards this woman….Someone once told me this…..if I have truly forgiven a person, I would be able to face them in peace and they would not be able to arise any emotions inside of me. So honestly, I know I haven’t forgiven such women because I know if I see them it would cause a reaction inside of me. I have previoulsy addressed this woman in a letter in which she didn’t respond to me but she did respond to a mutual friend by trying to justify her actions. She said she was told by my husband that he was getting a divorce….and yes my husband did tell her this which was a lie…but if she claims she my husband was GETTING a DIVORCE that meant she knew he was still married……Exactly my point she knew he was married ..Getting a divorcing is much different than being divorced…..No man or woman has any business getting involved with a married person….If there is no Divorce decree than stay away as you are walking on dangerous ground and stepping into a territory which you do not belong.

  29. I agree totally with what Notmylife says. I know my husband chose to have sex with many women because it felt good. There was one tramp that lived close by that he saw often so they became friends. He says he told her whatever to keep her available. I think she could have been anyone of the other tramps, she was just convenient. I believe all his feelings were based on sex and what she would do for him. Toxic feelings. Our situation is different in that my husband had multiple affairs. He was always searching for a new tramp online. That is not love. That is sick and lost. I am lucky that he immediately told me about her and cut her off once his underground lifestyle was exposed. He could have kept her a secret, but he knew he needed to tell me about her to be totally free of this lifestyle. He travels for work so he had his affairs in the daytime and was always home when he was supposed to be. We are 2 years and 4 months into our recovery and I still struggle with anger. I don’t know how to move past it.

  30. Just read some scientific articles about “mate poaching”.
    Seemed to suggest, to put it simply (my interpretation), that the poached and poacher attract each other. (Do I hear “Duh-uh?) lots of encouraging phrases bandied about…”proving attractiveness through competition; lack of empathy, unable to attract available people, submissive-passive-aggressive,” and more to back up my hope he’s able to be stupid and the AP went for the juggler..
    I suppose my big fear is that there was love involved (as I am empathetic and basically kind,) and I enjoy things that point out, no., not love…(time investment, maybe, for her)……they may have thought love at the time; though my husband says he didn’t even like her. Hard to accept that cruelty as well….
    Twisting facts to suit theories–?(Sherlock Holmes)
    Never!

    • Send me links to those articles (if you can still find them!). I know it’s been a few weeks. I enjoy reading about personalities and relationships.

      For a long time I could not and would not believe that my husband’s feelings for his AP were “real” or anything related to love. It was my fear that he could love someone else – and that I am not enough. My husband says he knew he never loved Bat Shit but that’s not what he was writing to her. And he was kind and he was there for her when she needed him. He gave her more than he gave me during that time and I think he did truly care. It doesn’t take away from me our “us”…. it’s just my realization that a person can love more than one person at a time.

    • I would be interested in the links as well, I study as much as I can, it seems to be therapeutic for me. My husband says he realized he never actually lived his AP. Also contrary to the numerous emails I read stating he loved her. I believe he was “in love” with the her he thought she was, but he never really “loved” her. They only saw each other for a few days at a time about once a month when they traveled together for work, not real life situations at all. No kids, no pressures of finances or real life at all. So neither of them could have really known the other. He found that out the hard way, he found out there were others she had associations with at the same company!!!!

  31. To the wife who has to deal with a picture of an easily bought piece of meat with her husband . Just remember how twisted and sick also trashy lowlife to ever publicize her sick pathetic occupation as a paid whore to a cheating married man she is sick he was sick just thank heaven you are NOT her . Remember wannabes will never be anything of value. I’ve seen the escape from reality is only to create less it seems to be the theme of cheating stay in reality. I PROMISE reality is by far the only place I ever want to be. The chaos from my husbands serial cheating is equal to dr jeckle and mr hide my husband is a coward he chose to hide his ugly self so his whores gave me the picture he was verbally abusive to me about me to my kids about me to my exfriends too but he wanted to screw them . I’ve seen the nasty sick side of my cheating husband I’m disappointed and disgusted at the cowardly less than person/stranger I’ve loved and been with since 1979 married since 1980.

  32. This post really captures how I’m feeling right now.
    It’s been almost a month since I found out about my husband’s affair, and he maintains that he felt nothing for her and he doesn’t care about her. It plagues me because I wonder how he could destroy me this way and completely betray me and our marriage for someone he says he didn’t even care about. How could he tell me he loved me and she meant nothing, but still make the choices he made to put her above me?
    I guess even though he won’t admit it to me or himself he did care about her and how he made her feel during a time he felt he couldn’t talk to me. You are right though, it doesn’t help at all.

    Thank you again for your posts. They really do help to read.

    • During the first year I struggled with this too. She (*Bat Shit) means nothing yet she almost ripped my family apart. It was maddening. You hit the nail on the head though – it wasn’t about her, it was how she made him feel. It’s a strange thing that the people we care about the most are the hardest to tell when things aren’t right. I was so afraid of hurting my husband’s feelings that I didn’t address the issues that could have destroyed our marriage. I even find myself falling back into these patterns years later after D-Day because I don’t want my husband to think that I can never get over his affair.

  33. I know exactly how you feel. I found out about my husband’s infidelity with a much younger woman on February 2nd of this year. It still boggles my mind because his affair went on for 9-10 months, and while I didn’t have proof, I knew. There were never emails exchanged, but texts were. Of course, he would block her number (which was under another person’s name) when he would come home, so she never interrupted us in the evenings. He would sneak to see her at her work during his lunch or break times. He would also text her while at work. They would even have 15 minute Starbucks dates, or meet on the side of an off ramp. He fucked her when he worked overtime one night, and got off early, but pretended to still be at work (which supposedly only happened once). And when he came home, it was all about his daughter and me, she was blocked.

    He minimalized the emotions of his affair once I found out, stating he never loved her. I went online and downloaded a 3rd party software to my computer, took his phone and scanned it. Unfortunately, I couldn’t un-see what it brought up. I saw the texts that he deleted where he did say I love you back. Talk about a punch to the stomach. I saw his banter with her…their “fairytale love.” He called her his girl, and his Queen. She referred to him as her Knight. Sickening, right? Especially when my nickname is Mama Bear. I refer to it as a fairytale love because she didn’t clean the “castle” that our little Princess would mess up while playing, cook his supper, or go to Costco on a Sunday. She had no responsibilities with my husband. In fact, all she did was respond to him in a very mushy way via text and he appeared sprung. He didn’t know her at all, only what she choose to tell him. She didn’t tell my husband about her two other affairs (I found out about them from her current estranged husband). And she told him shit like she listened to classical and was frugal. Well that pop tart with bad eyebrows didn’t listen to classical music, and she was broke…trying to pretend she was more mature than he thought. But I guess she had to lie because there was 14 year age difference.

    When I found out, I was so hurt – gutted if you will. I cried so much the first 2 months that I didn’t think we would get through it. My knee jerk reaction was to leave him. I was talked off the ledge. I choose to work it out after counseling, reading many articles, blogs (like this) and the book “After the Affair.” Its been 5 months since I received confirmation of his infidelity, and we are both trying to heal our marriage by going to counseling and work through it. But I am still angry – very angry. And I am still hung up on the “Love” that they stated to one another via text message. And like this blog, it hurts to come to the realization that he very well had feelings for her. Why would he risk 14 years of our marriage if he didn’t care. I mean, we are talking him loosing 14 years of everything we worked hard for – a half million dollar house, 3 vehicles, 2 motorcycles, camper, animals, daughter, alimony, child support and retirement. He gambled us away at a crapshoot, betting I wouldn’t find out. And for what? A younger woman that wasn’t half the woman I am. She couldn’t help him move forward if I left him. Stupid man.

    And unlike you, I wrote his Pop Tart a letter, a couple of them actually, and sent them. I wanted her to know what he said, how he changed his number because he wanted to work it out with me, and I pointed out how she must feel to be used the way she was. I also paid her a visit at her work despite my counselor’s advice not to. Yes I did. She completely ignored me and went to the back office. But regardless, I had to let her know I wasn’t a punk bitch and I went there to show her I wasn’t.

    Everything I shared, what hangs me up about trying to forgive him is the emotional part he declared to her. I feel like he is only staying because she has a new boyfriend since her husband filed for divorce. Now I’ve seen my husband ugly cry after I found out, and multiple occasions after that, and tell me how he realized what he could have lost, but I am not entirely convinced. Its such a huge mistake to be a mistake. It was a conscious decision, it was calculated and executed for 9-10 months. There was no mistake. He knew what he was doing, he knew what he was risking. And its those thoughts that make me apprehensive and angry with him to this day, although I know I want to work it out.

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