Am I harboring resentment from the way he treated me during his affair?

The primal questions of a marriage: What are you thinking? How are you feeling? What have we done to each other? What will we do? 

-Nick Dunne, Gone Girl Movie

Last night my husband and I watched Gone Girl. I started reading the book the summer before my D-day, but for some reason I never got further than the first two chapters. I might be the only woman in America that didn’t realize the movie plot was surrounded by infidelity. If you peel away the movie layers and focus on the infidelity – it hit a little close to home for me.  I think my husband and both froze when Amy said: “Want to test your marriage for weak spots? Add one recession, subtract two jobs. It’s surprisingly effective.”

As we walked out of the theater my husband said: “I guess I’m lucky.” And I responded: “Lucky, I’m not a psychopath? Yes.” I changed the subject, not because it was uncomfortable but because I didn’t want to change the mood of our evening. There are times when I really don’t feel like talking about the affair.

This morning as I woke up and the movie was still fresh on my mind I thought about the affair portrayed in the movie. It was relatable. Feeling used for sex. Feeling like something that was “ours” was no longer private. I could feel myself almost go blank, if that makes sense. It’s as if in order not to feel sadness or depressed about the past I need to go numb to the pain of the affair. The movie evoked feelings that still make me uncomfortable even if our marriage no longer resembles the shell it was during his affair. Why? I am still vulnerable to the way I felt during his affair. Not his affair, not the affair partner, but the way I felt about my marriage and my husband, and the way he treated me during the affair.

I amresentment not sure if I am harboring resentment or it’s just some form of post-traumatic stress disorder. I have made peace with what he has done and his relationship with Bat Shit. What I am struggling to let go of is the way he treated me. I felt diminished, I felt unappreciated, I felt disregarded, and I felt used. And it still haunts me. There are days when I just feel this divide – whether it’s real or imagined, I don’t know – but it renders me defeated. I don’t know how to function when he is having an off day or maybe he just needs time to himself. For me, it’s a trigger to the past, how I felt during the affair. And I question how I manage this too because I approach it as a mind-over-matter issue. Just focus on what is real, what is important, and not how you feel in this moment. I assume I am projecting his mood onto my own fears and emotions I would rather leave in the past. Then I fear, that’s how I dealt with those emotions during the affair – I didn’t acknowledge them then.

Resentment. I honestly don’t know if that’s what I feel or not. Do I resent my husband for what he did and how he treated me? I want to say no but I can’t say for certain. I just looked up the definition of the word resentment as I am typing. It’s possible I am.

resentment

/rɪˈzɛntmənt/

noun

the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person,etc., regarded as causing injury or insult.

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66 thoughts on “Am I harboring resentment from the way he treated me during his affair?

    • And I’m not sure how to not feel resentment… Because it’s definitely contributing to my overall outlook for my marriage and ability for it to recover … I’m doubting it will more every day..

  1. I so get that! I feel the same way. I’m pretty sure that the affair doesn’t hurt as much as the memories of how he treated me during it. It has changed me into a person that I don’t recognize-needy, dependant, and unconfidant. I don’t think that it is resentment though- I think somewhere on my subconscious, I live in fear that how he perceived me then is how he truly feels about me and was the only time he was truthful.

    • I too feel that way so often. The anger and indignation of ‘ how could you treat me that way?’ Echoes in my mind any time I come in contact with something associated with that time. I was hanging on fighting for us—writing him love letters every morning, emails every day, having favorite foods cooked for when he decided to come home, building up his character to coworkers. I was the loneliest person ever but I truly believed he respected me enough to never do THAT. I feel like the biggest fool now. I feel like I wasted my life doing all that for the payback to be this pain. He was someone who I had previously witnessed having compassion with sonny but had none for me. How do you come to grips with that?

      • I very much felt the same way as you just wrote. I felt like my husband would never cheat. I believed he loved me more than I could ever return to him. What is that? He’s human not perfect. And my idealization of him didn’t help things because it prevented me from seeing the truth. It blocked me from wanting to acknowledge we had disconnected.
        You are not a fool. You just believed in your husband more than he believed in himself.
        Your husband’s affair was rooted in something he felt lacking within himself. Instead of allowing himself to be vulnerable and tell you – he allowed another person to fill the void. But it was a bandaid fix. His compassion for his AP gave him a high (much like a drug or alcohol addiction). It’s not healthy or even maintable but it felt good at the time.

      • I feel the same way. I did all those things, did everything I could to fix the way he was feeling, only to find out he was having an affair and SHE was scripting everything for him. Its been 7 months. I don’t know how you ladies have made it 2 years. I can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel…. I can’t see a way to move past it.

    • Exactly. Was just saying today I feel like a pathetic and useless shell of a woman. Someone I don’t even recognize as myself. Worst thing is I just don’t know how to change it and make it better. I wonder all the time if I e done the right thing staying many times I feel it’s worse than leaving because of the feeling of powerlessness

    • “needy, dependent, and unconfident”
      -Yes. This.

      “I live in fear that how he perceived me then is how he truly feels about me and was the only time he was truthful.”
      -And especially this.

      Wow. You nailed it for me.
      -Jane

      • From what I read, they make up everyone when having an affair. I guess a bit of time and very hard work re-sets the perceptions for all three?

    • Nailed it for me too…. So hard to forget what was said and how I was treated. The lies, the bitterness, the anger. I don’t know how to forget it.

  2. You nailed it. I can’t let go of how he treated me during the affair – pushing me away one moment, pulling me close the next. Generally fucking with my mind and making me feel crazy. Breaking my wrists and then leaving the next day for a trip to Asia with his AP.

    I can’t get over it. The rest of it I can, but not the way he treated me and the boys.

  3. I too feel that way so often. The anger and indignation of ‘ how could you treat me that way?’ Echoes in my mind any time I come in contact with something associated with that time. I was hanging on fighting for us—writing him love letters every morning, emails every day, having favorite foods cooked for when he decided to come home, building up his character to coworkers. I was the loneliest person ever but I truly believed he respected me enough to never do THAT. I feel like the biggest fool now. I feel like I wasted my life doing all that for the payback to be this pain. He was someone who I had previously witnessed having compassion with sonny but had none for me. How do you come to grips with that?

  4. The hard part is we were always there in our husbands minds we weren’t important. If you look at a cheater as an immature teenager you can see the push me pull you as they act like we are the parent and they as a teen have short intense loves almost weekly at times and I have seen the same with so many it’s sad when they just don’t want to be a grown up they want to escape reality and responsibility like teens do only they aren’t and haven’t been a teen for years decades even. So as the grown up we didn’t choose this nasty filthy mess they chose hmm I have resentment . I raised 8 children had 12 miscarriages I am a cervical cancer survivor that my unborn son also survived 22 years now and I am 53 I am a sexy intelligent faithful loving funny beautiful woman Mama Nana Sister Aunt Great Aunt Daughter Friend . I am sure my husband has felt and heard I AM RESENTFUL of his cheating me our kids and grandkids out of a husband father and grandfather by wasting decades of our family life in the sewer playing games with the sewer rats . He hates that he was that man he can’t even come close to the way I feel being married to a man like that. I am still hearing dribbles of truth 3.8 years to the damn day of I don’t love you and haven’t for years hmm I just want to say to every cheater please pardon my language just grow the f^ck up ! I’m tired of being a single parent to 8 kids 2 who have cystic fibrosis and yes I was the ONLY one breastfeeding diaper changes all the shopping cleaning and everything else we do as parents only I also did all the medical learning meds therapies hospitalizations home IVs HELL YES I AM resentful I have been a single parent who just happens to be married to a man who has a lot of growing up to do. Thanks I needed to get this out ! Perhaps this may be my hardest thing to throw out with all the other garbage he created in fantasy land.

  5. Resentment?a little when weak.
    Really coming to grips with a new reality must engender some analyzation of what happend, acknowledgement of the feelings you had and misinterpreted ( I thought work and recession was causing a mental breakdown) this could very well be misconstrued for resentment when tired and emotionally exhausted. This getting over it is very hard and a full time effort.
    Maybe resentment is the appropriate emotion when hit by such a force.,part of learning and reconstruction?

  6. I too really struggle when my husband is having an “off day” – it takes me straight back and I instantly panic. It’s one of my biggest triggers.

    Robin is right – getting over betrayal is full time effort.

    Hope you’re feeling OK. Hugs

  7. “I felt diminished, I felt unappreciated, I felt disregarded, and I felt used”
    I felt trivialised, ignored, lightly demonised. No doubt to make him feel no guilt. At one point in his affair he went to a priest who kicked him out, saying come back when you feel remorse. Unfortunatly for me, several meltdowns of mine finally made him understand the pain he caused. Then came remorse. So from that I gather he didn’t mean to make me feel that way; it was part of the process, not me. He could have her if I wasn’t the one he wanted. Or am I kidding myself?

  8. Funny that you wrote about resentment. I’ve been reading a wayward’s blog where his wife was depressed. He hasn’t finished his story, but it has brought up many feelings. One of the things I realize I haven’t come to terms with is how he treated me while he was acting out. I was severely depressed, and instead of helping me, he decided I didn’t want him anymore. I definitely still resent that and I also think it affects my faith in him. When I needed him most, he abandoned me. More work to be done, I guess.

  9. Reblogged this on My Life is a Soap Opera and commented:
    Interesting take and very powerful. My husband started resenting me because I was not able to give him the time he needed while having a high needs newborn. That continued resentment kept building during two more additional children and my chronic illness. He eventually just checked out. Then started his affair, first emotionally then physically. He thinks I resent him now. I do not know. He treated me horribly when I needed him more than anything else. During the physical affair he was actually being nice to me again. That hurts me so much. I get triggered when he is being nice to me or ignoring or pushing me away now. I feel like everything is catch 22 ….

  10. You’re not the only woman who didn’t know the plot of the movie… Two months into DDay…. He thought we should go on a date. Bad idea!!!!! As soon as the plot was revealed, I left to go to the bathroom. After getting myself together I walked out to find my husband waiting for me. We went home. To this day I don’t know what happened in the movie and I don’t want to watch it to find out. I totally resent my husband, he took away my insolent view of life, my way of seeing the good in people. I’m a VERY different person now. Im become someone I don’t even like to be around. The only time I’m “happy” is when im at work. I teach so the little ones keep my mind in a better place. I wonder if I’ll be “happy” at home ever again??????

    • Do you know ive read all these comments and I think why do we put ourselves through this I feel the same as every body .I will never be the same again .I believe I will have to leave for my sanity.ive just got to get the strengh x

    • During the movie I could feel my husband’s hand on my thigh testing to see if I was going to say: “Ummm, let’s go.” If it was 2 months in I would have been out of there. Today it was easier to digest.
      Try to focus on what you need to be happy. Little ones are a good distraction from our lives – they don’t know any better. When you are home start to do things you enjoy doing for you. Put on music that will distract your brain (and not cause you to fall into a heap of tears). For me, it was starting to craft again. I like creating things for the home or gifts. I like using my hands and that was key to helping me feel happy again. I hope that helps.

    • I don’t like that I’m not the same person anymore. But I’m trying to come to terms with it by saying this is the new normal. I lost a big chunk of my soul. I hate that I feel I will never trust again. Reading these post makes me see that we are all the same.

  11. Its more than that for me. How he treated me, yes. But also how she wanted him to treat me (even worse!) and what kind of woman does that? Also how he treated the children and how she treated the children (like she was taking a tranfer of ownership of a car or something). Actually, the behaviour of both of them was equally disgusting, but there is great healing in the fact he is mortified, remorseful, constantly ready to whack her down when she raises her head. I think resentment as defined is fine. Who would not feel negative about being treated that way? The alternative is to be fine with it. The thing is when people use the word they mean somethinf more perjorative.

    Nothing is going to make it okay. But the outcome we reached is less bad than the alternatives. And no, I don’t by Buddhism generally. Being pissed that two people killed something important to you is not a problem. They are the ones with the problem whether they know it or not.

    • My husband’s AP, before D Day was sending music video suggestions for my son; post D Day, I asked she not send any emails, including business, during our weekends. She replied she was furious that ” he did everything his wife said.” ,,,???
      I just found out she copied our sitting room in one of her interior design projects. I think that is sick.
      They are the ones with the problem.
      I would suggest resentment, later resolved, is essential.

  12. Women that sleep with married men or men in relationships are monsters. So, yes I agree it is okay to be pissed. The only result of the monster’s behavior is pain and suffering.

  13. OMG! I could not have said it better!!!! I had the same reaction during and after watching that movie. I wish I had known the story line beforehand. I would not have watched it. It seems like every movie, sitcom or drama series is either based on or mentions adultery. So frustrating!!!
    I know just how you feel about the feelings of how you were treated by your husband before d-day. I have the same ones!!!! Even now, after a year of counseling when it seems as though things are going well, those feeling will pop up from hearing a word, a look, someone who looks like “the bitch”…my husband when he’s in a funk…you name it. Ugh.

  14. I think for you to resent what he did is actually healthy…but to walk in the state of resentment toward him is a different story, really makes you blind to the possibility that he can change. (I struggle with that…I know I do). Funny as I was reading I thought…”I’m going to look up the definition resentment.” Next sentence I read was that you were going to look it up and define it! Thank you so much for posting this and sharing your heart. I’m so sorry you are going through this mess. We have 3 children as well…but he couldn’t even make it to 7 years. A lot of offense and resentment on his part, I was so naive of it…I thought we were best friends. For our own mental health we have to let go of resentment in walk in freedom of not hanging on to the grip of resentment (I’m talking to myself)…though we resent what people in general have done to hurt us.

  15. I have and am still harboring resentment against the AP. She had been cheated on by her own husband and knew exactly what it would do to me, she just didn’t care. As long as my husband was making her feel better, she didn’t care. She said that she hadn’t meant for anyone to get hurt, but she knew that was the only outcome and did it anyway. Yes, I resent that a married woman could do that to another married woman.

  16. I believe resentment is only natural. I resent my husband’s actions. I resent both his and his AP’s willful acts to destroy my marriage. I resent how he treated me, and our children, during his affairs. Both of them. And I resent how I feel about myself as a result. But I also believe resentment should not be all consuming. Resentment should not be allowed to destroy our lives. Resentment should be a stepping stone to a better place, a healing place, a healthy place. I cannot hang on to resentment. It will destroy me. And I will not let my husband’s choices have that power over me.

  17. Yes, I feel resentment. It’s not fair. I was not included in the decision making of this threesome. Two people made a decision that involved me, knew it would hurt me, but clearly were happy to do it behind my back. Whilst I thought he was having a nervous breakdown he was just going into meltdown over what he was doing. But he never told me because he was too scared of the consequences of his decisions. He did not want me to know. When he dumped Pig Shit she then texted me. Interesting eh! As soon as she knew she had lost him she didn’t want it behind my back, she wanted me to be privy to the truth. I wonder why? This woman doesn’t know me but felt entitled to try to steal my husband (without me knowing) and then let me in on what she was doing when she feared he wanted to be with me.

    She has been betrayed by two men herself and had had a previous affair with a married man for THREE f***ing years. She is now 53 with two teenage kids at home. I hate that she gets to lash out and move on, but I’m pretty sure she will end up lonely and alone. Her Ann Summers sex toys and her willingness to drop her knickers do not form the foundations for a loving relationship. If they did she wouldn’t be on the prowl!

  18. It hasn’t even be half a year yet from D-Day so for me it’s all of it. Resentment and the affairs. It’s tough. But I understand the push and pull of trying to deal with the now when the past is haunting you. He would be crabby and he seemed different but I didn’t think it was because he was having affairs. I understand those triggers though. They definitely cause flashbacks for me.

  19. I have to tell you thank you so much for your posts, it’s sometimes like your looking into my window of life. Just last September I caught my husband cheating, guess I always seen the red flags but didn’t want to believe it was happening. I have been married for over 5 years and had two kids with him, I found out that he had been cheating on me the whole time, thru dating, after we got married and during both my pregnancies. I stayed, not sure why because it wasn’t like there was anything to go back to, I mean our whole relationship had been a lie. There were over 7 different woman and that’s only the ones I know for sure. I feel like I don’t know how I’m ever going to trust again or was there anything at all. Why am I here? What is the purpose of all this? Sometimes I think I stayed to find a purpose so that way in some Crazy way it will make it ok that he did this. I want to be a woman of INTEGRITY, but does finding integrity in me, mean losing my dignity? So much to say and no one to listen and guide me thru this and that makes it even harder. Your posts is what keeps me strong and helps me to get through the rough days…. Keep posting, your story has become your purpose….. I can only imagine how many woman you speak to thru your words that you express…. You have become that woman of INTEGRITY and I hope in time I can find that in me. I know I am the author of my life, unfortunately I’m writing in pen and I can’t erase my mistakes… I should have faced the red flags when they we’re waving….You have found away to paint your story for others to see in away that brings out the beauty in us. Thank you again for sharing your hardest and yet most accomplished painting….

    • Thank you. You have not lost your dignity – not at all. Live your life with intention. Your choices are for you – to live the best you. So keep moving forward and you will find your way.

  20. “I am not sure if I am harboring resentment or it’s just some form of post-traumatic stress disorder. I have made peace with what he has done and his relationship with Bat Shit. What I am struggling to let go of is the way he treated me.”

    If you made peace with what your husband did, does that not include how he treated you while he was in the midst of an affair?

    I am by no means undermining your feelings. I am just questioning…out loud. Perhaps you just haven’t forgiven him of this part of the affair yet. Maybe this is just another piece of the story that you have yet to let go of?

    “I felt diminished, I felt unappreciated, I felt disregarded, and I felt used. And it still haunts me.”

    I completely understand. I feel like this at times too.

    “There are days when I just feel this divide – whether it’s real or imagined, I don’t know – but it renders me defeated. I don’t know how to function when he is having an off day or maybe he just needs time to himself. For me, it’s a trigger to the past, how I felt during the affair. And I question how I manage this too because I approach it as a mind-over-matter issue. Just focus on what is real, what is important, and not how you feel in this moment. I assume I am projecting his mood onto my own fears and emotions I would rather leave in the past. Then I fear, that’s how I dealt with those emotions during the affair – I didn’t acknowledge them then.”

    I so get this too. When my H is over-worked and stressed to the max, I feel an exhorbatant amount of anxiety. Like you said, I am feeding my fears because of his mood. Sometimes staying in the moment is so so difficult. And mind over matter is exhausting! I almost feel like I need another alternative than this. I suppose it’s about trying to control the situation. Truly the only control we have is of ourselves, our thoughts and actions, our responses to whatever comes our way.

  21. Would you mind if I submitted this conundrum to the Q&A at affairrecovery.com? I would absolutely share any response I get.

      • This is very disappointing. We have all been brainstorming together on this website and one of Thiswillnotdefineus ‘s main contributions and discussions has fetched up requiring a subscription
        to follow.

      • No doubt the way one was treated was part and parcel of the entire deluded action of the betrayer. You can’t separate the method from the action; forgive both aspects. or not.

      • Robin,

        My apologies that the video response is available as part of the subscription services that Affair Recovery offers. I did not mean to offend anyone by posing this question to “the experts”. Sometimes it is helpful to hear the words of those who have walked this path long before we have. Sometimes it is helpful to get a different perspective. That was all I was trying to do.
        Here is the transcription of Rick Reynold’s response:

        “My first thought as you write this question is how far out are you from discovery? If you’re within the fist 6 months, maybe even the first nine months I think it’s very difficult because the intensity of those triggers will be there. In fact, at the one year mark, you’ll find that those emotions that occurred when he was in that place will still be triggered. Over time, after the one year mark, I think the intensity of that occuring begins to really decrease and it becomes easier. Most definitely it’s a place where you have to let go and begin to see things through another lens. It’s a place where you mentioned forgiving, it’s a place where you also have to forgive. I know that you don’t want to be a fool and ignore patterns that you saw before discovery, but hopefully, you see other times and that those stress times begin to decrease and that the two of you, because of the intimacy that has been developed, by his disclosure, by the conversations both of you have, hopefully there’s a much deeper connection which allows you to know that he is still safe. I believe when couples go into recovery, hopefully they move from an intimacy level of about 2-3 to an 8 or 9 when you begin to feel that connection. You know that at least we need to reconnect, but that connection is still there and yet you get triggered as a result of old patterns. That would be normal. But it still means that you are safe. To me, what is the indicator that there is an issue is gonna be the lack of connection in the marriage relationship. When you get triggered, the way you manage it, in my opinion, is you actually talk to him about it and you reconnect, you get that reassurance from him. You’re right, old memories or old patterns will still trigger old feelings. You just need to be able to step back to manage it and say okay, are there other things that are going right in this relationship now?. And, don’t allow intense emotions created by reminders to define where the relationship is at. Make sure you are continually keeping a list of what’s different so you can at least know there’s change and know that there is still safety in your relationship.”

      • Diana,
        I wasn’t offended that you posed the question to someone else, I was frustrated that we couldn’t access the response. So thank you very much for fixing that. All the best, Robin

  22. Resentment is HUGE for me. Feeling abandoned, treated terribly for the entire marriage of 18 yrs because he didn’t want to grow up and face reality. So in turn, I bucked up and took care of everything. Became a strong independent woman yet dependant and hopeful that one day… my husband would notice my accomplishments and finally want me. But he never did, he was to self absorbed and drowning in sex addiction to notice anything but the rats he was surrounding himself with. It’s been a year and half since DDay, and to this day I look at him in disgust. I see a child still, missing his toy box. Hell, he even talks like a damn toddler when things don’t go his way. Their is no “adult” in him. I fear that this is all I’ll ever look forward to while my kids are still at home. I have 5 more years before both my daughters graduate from high school. 5 more yrs of listening to this whining man child. 5 more yrs of hoping he grows up and deals with life instead of hiding behind… I’m so sorry Mommy.. attitude and bucks up and becomes a man. I am so sick and tired of the babyish behavior, the one second wanting nothing but change and saying he wants change.. like a man.. and coming up with an action plan for it. Then 5 minutes later doing the whole… well, umm, what do u think? Will that be ok with u? well, maybe I should do it another way? Ya, I’m gonna figure something else out.
    and then NOTHING EVER HAPPENS!!!!! It’s like he’s waiting for me to take over and do. I don’t any longer. I do my thing, I make sure myself and my kids are taken care of.. the rest is in his court for now. Unless he grows up, I am very afraid, this marriage will never last. I do not have the same innocence I once had. I do not fawn all over him like I used to. I do not “tare care of him or his needs” like I used too… because I have never once got any of my needs taken care of since the day I said “i do”.
    I will continue to do what I need to do to survive for myself and my kids until they graduate. This is his deadline. And from now until then… I will be the strong woman I was, but unfortunately, with no vulnerability because he will not take it from me again.

  23. This is the post I needed today, and it’s replies. Ladies do you all live in my head?! Thank you for helping me to not feel alone or that my feeling are out of line. It will be 2yrs since D-day on Memorial day. 2years of counseling for me and I am still on anti depressants. It makes me sad and mad that I’m not the old me. I don’t think she exists anymore. He’s constantly working to show me that he has changed. So much evil was done…. When do these hurt feelings go away??

    • Hang in there. For me, at the 2 1/2 yr mark, I’m begining to suspect part of my problem is that I am jealous of the people shallow and self serving enough to have an affair. I wish I were less conscientious and concerned for everyone else. Cheers.

    • Sometimes I think it’s harder to see time move forward on the calendar and still feel this way. I want so much to be happy and not have these insecurities, triggers, and emotions that seem to come out of nowhere. Idk. I’m a lot further than I was 2 1/2 years ago….

  24. No, “Off Pissment”
    No resentment but compassion because in trying to raise his self esteem, he lost the genuine admiration of his family. It’s tragic. I feel sorry for him.

    • Guess that didn’t address do I resent how he treated me specifically,
      I feel he did what he had to do to perpetuate the affair and yet not lose me. . Part of that included lying to himself about our relationship. I tried to break through the distance, be compassionate towards his depression which I now know was guilt. I don’t think either of them even thought about me or wanted to hurt me. Incredibly stupid.
      So, again, no resentment. Older and wiser, yes, and my new favourite saying “To Glam to Give a Dam”. Cheers X

  25. Wow, your husband and my husband must be related because they seem to have the same characteristics!!! I know what you are saying, I don’t seem to have the desire to meet his needs like I did before the D day… I guess for me it’s like I am afraid of being his toy again…. And he played me for so long and our hurts to know he’s did that so how can I ever know what is real… And I never want to be played again…. My daily prayer these days are asking for God to harden my heart from him and give me the INTEGRITY to walk without the scars of his play time… It’s been only 6 months since I caught him, yet he says if I don’t get over it right nite than I will be the reason our merrage fails…. But of course it’s my fault because he can’t see anything but his own world to even comprehend the hurt he has caused new and our children….. I think sometimes he just wants me to stay with him long enough to make it my fault so his image will be secure… It’s to bad that our husbands can’t grow up and see past there own logic… What ever there logic is… I call there logic the morality of a moron…. Anyways I could go on and on bashing my husband, and at times it makes me feel good, however I need to find the kind of good that matters, and to be honest I don’t think anything really matters to him… Anyways, if you ever want to compare morons, I’m sure we could find a few smiles while supporting each others hardships… Thanks for sharing! Right now, sometimes reading this is the only thing that helps….. I know I’m not alone, and as sad as that is, it gives me strength to understand another day why I KEEP STANDING SO LONG IN A PLACE WHERE MY FEET DON’T BELONG… I feel like I may never get my roots to grow again….

  26. Even if you have forgiven, I think you can still resent. I resent how he treated me. I resent how he treated her. I resent how he treated us as a family. I resent how he treated our marriage. It still pisses me off from time to time. I have found forgiveness, I don’t carry around the anger and hate in my heart. But sometimes that resentment comes bubbling to the surface when triggers (especially dates, and holidays) go off and I find myself thinking about it. I don’t know if the resentment will ever be fully gone. I do believe you can forgive but still find moments of resentment. Is it crazy? Probably, but I think after an affair we are all left a little(or a lot) crazy.

  27. Oh, boy. Resent! How do you really forget that your husband has been with another? I was only 16 when I met my husband and he is all I’ve know in that way, to think he has done this with a complete stranger still haunts me over a year later.
    How do you forget 20 yrs of marriage? How do you forget that he was having an emotional affair with his ex my whole entire marriage? How do you forget that all it took was doing a job at someones house could turn into having sex with them?
    I think some of my problem is that I too thought I was the ideal wife, did everything, took on the role of working, running around, house duties, supplying needs before my own. Other husbands used to say how lucky my husband was to have the whole package.
    So, yes I too have no understanding in how he could toss aside our marriage for a known whore of the town?
    I have have triggers daily, and question why I am still here? Is it money why I cant leave, Is it embarrassement to my family who all don’t know? Is it shame to myself that I failed as a wife?
    I want to let go so much, but I just can’t forget. I have been to counselling, tried talking to give me answers but nothing is clear in why he did this? All, he says is he was bored and he wasn’t thinking at the time, which to me does not tell me alot.
    I can’t stop thinking how both these women were married and did not feel any guilt knowing I didn’t know. They would actually laugh at me not knowing especially the emotional affair that went on for 20 yrs.
    Sorry for going on, but resentment, yes………………I admit I’m holding it as I cannot and never will understand that someone you love can lie and decieve for so long.

    • I found out Feb 28th that my husband of 16 years was having an emotional affair with a woman he was engaged to a brief time before we met about 19 years ago. She had tried to contact him right before we married that she wanted him back and then once after our first child was born her mom called my mother in law for a recipe( obvious she was checking to see what he was up to!). So needless to say I have always harbored negetive feelings for this girl. The morning I found out I don’t know what ever possessed me to look at his phone, I just had this overwhelming feeling and in a moment I saw the text with her name in it and I love you!! I was so shocked and devastated. That was not what I expected at all. I confronted him and he immediately confessed that they had been talking for the past year and in the past 2 months it became more serious. Thankfully she lives in another states far away so they never had the chance to meet up, but it was headed that way. My husband said he knew it had to end and he had been praying God would show him what to do and that next morning I found the text. I feel that God was interviening in our marriage at a critical moment. My husband broke it off with her that day and said he wanted our marriage and our family. He has been open about what happened and has completely given me access to his phone, email, Facebook etc.. I don’t check up on him as often now, but I still have those days when fear and panic set in and take over and I get obsessed. She is blocked from our fb pages but I still can’t help but check hers with my fake one, I know CRAZY!! My husband and I are reconnecting emotionally and physically better than ever and I know our marriage is stronger than it ever was but I still have so much sadness I fear I will never feel real happiness again. I don’t have a day or even a minute that I don’t think about the OW and I hate that! I just want to forget and move on. I fear that she is waiting for him to realize he made a mistake and really wants her. Though I believe him that he is happy with me. She sent a letter to his parents and one to his work( his work opens all priority mail because he is a police officicer so his chief read it!!) this was back the first week or so after he broke it off. He then Texted her and told her she crossed the line and he would take legal action if she didn’t stop contacting him and he said he was committed to me and making our marriage Better and she was a huge mistake. She said she would not contact him again and I don’t think she has though her number is blocked. I count the days that pass and can’t wait until 6 Months or a year passes so she sees he is not leaving me. I pray that some day I will find peace and happiness again. I love my husband more than anything and I want our life back!

      • Is she still contacting him? It’s hard to focus on rebuilding a marriage when the betrayal and betrayer outside the marriage continues to contact and be present in your life. Affair partners continue to contact the other person after the discovery because the relationship became an important part of their day – an addiction of sorts. They get a high from the contact with the affair partner, they look forward to it, even if they feel guilty afterwards or know they don’t need it – they want it. Affairs are like a drug addiction or alcoholism. It’s hard to just cut it off but it’s necessary for the cheating spouse that wants to save his marriage.
        Focus on what is important – right now, the present. Ask for what you need and don’t be afraid to admit when you are lost.

  28. No doubt the way one was treated was part and parcel of the entire deluded action of the betrayer. You can’t separate the method from the action; forgive both aspects. or not.
    The Betrayer will also suffer feelings of being diminished, not being worthy of appreciation and the possibility of being dismissed, and has to face the fact that in trying to boost his feelings of desirability and self worth, he has destroyed the genuine admiration he once had.
    One has the choice of feeling compassion and forgiving or feeling compassion, forgiving but deciding this person will never be whole and worthy of the love required to surmount this.
    Or you may just plain go off the jerk.

  29. I too struggle with how to react when he’s having an “off” day. I feel like I know he would NEVER do that again…But I also never thought he would in the first place. I recall the way he treated me, the way he would create situations to justify getting angry and leaving…Or lying about what he was doing. All those things make me sad…anger comes if I continue to think about it. But I try to take my thoughts captive. Because the reality is, i chose to say and work this out. I could have left with the kids, or asked him to leave. But I didn’t want to give up that quickly. I knew it would be work. But I have to come to a place where if I say I forgive then I can’t hold those things over his head. I have to work on my mind set. He also has to understand that I will still have my moments and that there are still “triggers” that I am allowed to deal with. And when I am dealing with a trigger than that is when I need the most attention and affection. I like reading this blog cause it helps me see that I am not alone or “crazy”. I see that I am learning to grow and heal just like all of you.

  30. I needed to read all of these comments this morning. Just over 6 months from DDay. I keep wondering why my brain does this routine on my when I am actually having a fairly “good” day. It is like there is a little voice that wants to remind me that this may not be real. After all, he fooled you for over 6 years. When I hear the voice I start searching through the memory banks for what made me feel the worst about the affair. Last night it was the fact that while he was with her he would and could talk to me in hotel bathroom and then walk back in and have sex with her. Even typing this right now makes me feel about an inch tall and about to be sick. I keep asking myself where was the man I thought I had married. How could having my voice in his head not been enough to stop him in his tracks? He has said he never stopped loving me he just forgot how much. Doesn’t he realize that in a way saying that makes it even worse. What kind of love includes the codicil: but it is ok to cheat to fill the void you were feeling. It is ok to vilify your marriage to a stranger you met on an internet chat room.

    It is here that I need to stop myself. My husband is not me and I am running his actions through my thought filters. I was hoping to hear my thoughts and see my type of actions come from him.

    I don’t think the man he is working to become will act that way again. I know he could but I don’t think he will. With each layer that he peals away clarity comes. He sees the role that alcohol had in his life and decision processes. No excuses just a fact. He also is seeing that all the things that he had told himself had “just happened” were actually the result of a series of choices that he made.

    I hope that with each step he takes away from the person he was I am able to take one step closer to forgiveness and away from resentment.

    • Kelaine, nice to read your post today.
      More or less the same story here. 9 year affair. But four years down the road from discovering “the emails” on the day after Christmas. Tried very hard for three years to be compassionate but feeling my commitment cooling off this year and resentment winning. This Christmas we are having steak, champagne and crepe. The thundering echos of his emails “we were each others Christmas gifts, undressing under the Christmas tree(hers) all written upstairs while I , alone in the kitchen, basted the turkey, steamed, mashed and roasted Christmas dinner for my “loving” family.
      But the hot white anger is leaving, the resentment tempering to acceptance. They say that for a long term affair it will take half the time of the affair to let go. Oddly, I wasn’t doing to badly till he said he wanted to send her an email saying it was the stupidest, emptiest and meaningless thing he had ever done. The fact he was even thinking about her was an epiphany for me; not in a good way, either.

      • Robin,

        Thank you for your reply. I know moving through this is going to take a very long time. I found a message that I wrote to my husband exactly one month after Dday. I was completely consumed with rage and was ready to exit our marriage forever. I would never have imagined at one month that we would still be together celebrating the holidays at 6 months out.

        I am still struggling with acceptance. I know that I have to get there before forgiveness is even a possibility.

        I am fortunate that even though he did not tell me about the affair – that came from her in the form of vindictive texts in the middle of the night – he had ended it 3 1/2 months prior on his own. He had ceased contact with her and was trying to figure out how to rebuild our marriage. She sent the texts when she realized that even when I was traveling for my job (facebook stalker) my husband did not contact her in any way. She knew it was over and set out to destroy us both. He tells me that the only time he thinks about her is when I bring her up.

        We both have much work to do on ourselves and our marriage. Trying to be happy one day at a time with not expectations of tomorrow. Hoping that all the one day at a times will add up to a better future and a part of our past I want to remember.

        Wishing you a joyous holiday.

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