Three Years

Three years. As I was planning to set aside time to write this post last week I had to stop and think: “When is my D-Day? What’s the date?” Which is odd for me because I generally recall everything especially marker dates in my life. [Un]Fortunately, one of my friend’s was married on my D-Day and she reminded me her anniversary was Tuesday. Thanks, I thought, I was just getting to a point of possibly erasing that date from my mind. BUT, reaching a milestone is an opportunity to reflect, take inventory on the journey I’ve been on, and look forward and into the future. This process has taught me a lot about who I am.

So much of the beginning of my journey was wrapped up in the magnitude of the pain I felt. I directed my disappointment, anger, and sadness at Bat Shit. I named her Bat Shit and I hated everything about her and I needed to be nothing like her. She became the representation not just of my pain, but my failure. Three years later I can honestly say I do not obsess over Bat Shit at all. I do not compare myself or fear she’s lingering in the background waiting to reemerge. I will confess that I do not want to bump into her at all and I am starting to wonder how long I can dodge that bullet. I guess that chapter is yet to be written (but let’s hope not).

One of the biggest struggles was dealing with the death of my expectations. I was disappointed in my husband for cheating and lying, I was disappointed in myself for not being a “better” wife, and I was disappointed in my marriage because it wasn’t strong enough to prevent an affair. I was facing a roadblock of shame. I was ashamed of myself, my marriage, and how my husband’s affair reflected on me. What I valued most in life had been tarnished and damaged, and I wasn’t sure that I would ever recover what was lost. I wanted to go back – back to how I felt pre-affair because then I was whole.

During the last few months I’ve begun to accept that what was lost is gone. I cannot regain whatever it is you want to label that feeling – maybe it’s innocence, or naivety, or purity. It’s hard to let go of that yearning because there is a wholeness connected to whatever that feeling is. Instead, I desire to live wholeheartedly. This journey has taught me not only who I am but also how strong I can be. My failures can be just as meaningful as my triumphs.

I wish I could say three years later that my life and marriage are better than ever. The truth is that we are two imperfect people in a lifelong partnership and there will inevitably be highs and lows. Our goal is for the lows to never be as low as they were during the affair and post-D-Day. The highs should always be contenders in the grand view of our marriage and lives. Our sex life is still amazing but we’ve fallen off the wagon lately as work and children’s schedules have become an obstacle. What is amazing is that once a week now seems like not enough. We’ve managed to align intimacy and desire (for the most part).

This year more than last, I recognize this is my D-Day and I am carrying this burden alone. What I mean is that my husband has no memory of what today is. My instinct is to not say anything with the hope of giving this day a new definition but I think that may be the wrong reaction. My healing stems from understanding my emotions, being honest about my story so that I can get to a place of genuine truth. Ignoring the emotions and memories stirred by this day would not be authentic.

I’ve spent the last three years rebuilding myself and learning to accept this affair and the failures in my marriage as a part of my story. I’ve learned that I can never go back to who I was or how I felt before the affair. I’ve let go of the fear that I am broken. I am writing a new story and I am all in.

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44 thoughts on “Three Years

      • I agree with you, I am beyond tired of hearing “it just takes time”, however, I know this to be true. I especially have to tell my husband as he is ready to put it all behind him and I am needing to go though the process of healing. Luv your blog, I luv you raw thoughts and feelings as I am on my journey of healing.

  1. I relate so much to what you are saying here, it will be 4 yrs Thanksgiving Day, we’d been married 20 years. It has changed me in so many ways. I am more humble, I look at my marriage and others’ marriages very differently. In the past I would have told friends to just leave him, but I wouldn’t now, rather to give it your best and decide from there. I know if I’ve lived through this I can live through anything and have. The loss of the marriage I thought I had, 2 miscarriages, parents, and many friends. I can’t say I’m stronger, it isn’t over, and its what I’ll live with. I appreciate what I do have more than ever in my marriage, true friendships, and in life. Keep looking for the good and trust this is a season to go through. I wish I could hug every one of you grieving with the rest of us here. But this blog has helped me so much, stay with it for support and you will be ok.

  2. it will be 3 years for us as well…unfortunately dday is Nov 11 Veteran’s Day….can’t quite forget that! The banks are closed and so is the Post Office!! The last 2 years we have gone away to one of our favorite easy get aways…this year I was thinking I’d rather go there In October like we USED to …to celebrate the day we met…
    We will acknowledge the dday because for me it represents the day I got my marriage back…looking back my husbands 2 year “hiatus” from real life was filled with confusion and fear that did not happen over night…when I discovered the truth it was like someone had thrown a bucket of ice water at him and he was NOW scared shitless…
    almost 3 years later we are different in a much healthier way…we still love our pre A marriage… there was far more joy than sadness…and the one thing I can say and believe in all my heart is that I KNOW his affair had NOTHING to do with me….NOTHING… I accept that he was a broken (for lack of a better word) man. Although accepting his choices during his “hiatus” are still quite the head shaker, I am focusing on forward motion…Time is that new 4-letter word…and besides I really do NOT want to be a bitter old lady!
    Peace everyone

    • hi, your experience seems very similar to mine although I am only 18 months in. From talking to my husband he was a broken man as you say. He didn’t really know what he was thinking or doing and we now both realise that he was quite probably going through some sort of mental breakdown. That however is not an excuse for his behaviour and he knows that. For me its the dealing with the fact he did it at all and also that for a short time he thought he had met someone better than me and thought he wanted someone else. I do have the odd day now where I don’t think about it although they are few and far between, I take those days though as little mile stones and the days I don’t want to kill the other woman as big mile stones lol… I am hoping that come 3 years I will be stronger and maybe not think about her at all although I think it’ll be a while longer before I stop thinking about the affair …. this blog is great as it gives me hope and it makes me realise I am not alone xxx

  3. I’m coming up on my 1yr D-day anniversary. I found your blog a few days after the rug was ripped out from underneath me. I just have to say that you have helped me through so much in these 10 months. I have been able to relate so much to every post you have written. It seems like when I’m at my lowest, I’ll get an email with words of wisdom, and most times it just so happens to pertain to exactly what I’m feeling. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Things may have been different for my family and I had I not found you. And to anyone out there that is going through the pain of an affair, I urge you to read every post here. I urge you to hold on and believe in yourself, you are strong even though you may feel so very weak right now. You are loved even though you may feel like you’re not. Most importantly, you are not alone.

  4. Your blog was the first one I found in the early hours of my D-Day, not quite three months ago. Your story and others like yours opened my eyes to the possibility of staying in our marriage & working through the pain and doubt. For this, I thank you! I appreciate your willingness to “put it all out there”, the good and the bad. It gives me hope to keep moving forward. On days when I feel like no one could possibly understand what I’m going through, a visit to WordPress reminds me that there is a community that does understand. I hope one day July 1 goes back to being just another day for me, or even a day to be celebrated in some way, rather than the anniversary of the upheaval of my life as I knew it. For now, we’re taking it day by day.

    Sunshine

  5. Thiswillnotdefineus, Thank you for this. I was really longing for your perceptions at three years. I’m three years, four days 0 hours from it and counting. Please keep posting.
    My husband had several years trying to back out of his affair and so finds it a boreing subject.; yet it’s fresh for me. sometimes I still can’t believe he did this. I will be the same innocent loving person again because I just am. I am sad he is such a fantizer but hope we will become real people together.
    Nostalgia nearly killed me on my birthday. The loss of what we actually shared originally, morphed by his midlife crisis, misunderstanding of me and what I call his second wife. ( when being polite…by the way, notice how the law punishes pushers more than users?! Just being wicked here, but…..)
    My injury from ignorance of what my marriage had become through betrayal is unjust and unfixable. Recognizing that fact helps me forgive and move on with him. I have changed. Not bitter but more demanding and more sensitive towards him.
    Some good days, some tragic, some epiphanies.
    My life would be very different without this blog, including everyone’s comments. Thank you all.

  6. This gives me inspiration that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I long for the day when the infidelity resides in the shadows of my mind rather than constantly taking center stage. Your words about disappointment really resonate because I think that is the crux of the pain we feel after this betrayal …. disappointment. We are disappointed to see that our views of our marriages were completely wrong and we cannot control or change what has happened. We are disappointed in this person we held in such high regard (our spouses) and disappointed in ourselves for not seeing the signs. Sending you lots of love on this anniversary of sorts. While the events of that day 3 years ago aren’t worth celebrating, the fact that you have come so far is. xoxo

  7. oops, didn’t mean to press that key…..
    I agree, time is such an important ingredient in recovery. I’m also just past three years and although there is still slug slime to deal with and the inner machinations that come with the turf of adultery, it is less raw. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the D-day date. It is etched on my brain. However, it’s learning to live with how you are as well as where you in the recovery process. You sound like you have got to grips with both aspects. I’ll raise a glass of Pinot Grigio Blush to you later. Cheers 🙂

  8. Thank you for the post. October 19th is D-day for me, it will be two years and I am hoping I feel like you next year. You say you hope you don’t run into her. It has happened twice this year. Once at a concert with 85,000 people and she walks up the same aisle we were at. Kinda ruined the concert. My husband has changed jobs so that worry is gone and I believe he is 100% percent into our marriage. I am stronger than I ever thought, but, it is still hard.
    Love your blog😊

  9. Wow. Just wow. You have been such a source of strength to me and I’ve relied on your perspective and take-aways from your journey as I make my way through mine. I’ve said “thank you” many times. I don’t think I’ve ever said how amazing you are and how proud of your work should be!

    You are amazing!
    The work you have done to out yourself back together should be celebrated and I hope you are proud of yourself.
    You ROCK!
    And… Thank you for sharing it with all of us. It’s so incredibly brave.

  10. My 2 month d-day anniversary is today. I found your blog while trying to come to terms with my husband’s affair. Thank you for your blog and thank you to all the commenters, I don’t feel so alone. We are in counselling and are doing really well truthfully, but I have bad minutes, hours, days…yet his affair was like a bucket of ice water. I do really wish it wasn’t the wake up call, I wish it hadn’t gotten to that point. Facts are it did and I, we, have to live with it.

  11. So well written. Thank you for sharing and I hope I am where you are in two years time. I am at that point of making sure I am nothing like her. Even down to my hair colour. I aspire to be nothing like her. I even took out my nose piercing because of her facial piercings. I had to erase all things that resemble or reminded me of her. I hope I get to a point like you where I don’t do that anymore. She was 16 years younger than my husband so my self esteem took a huge battering. I can’t wait till that no longer effects me. It was an 8 week work affair. I still can’t believe how devastating it was and can be!!! I love him so much but at times I remember how I hated him so much… I too directed all my anger to bat shit. We have a wonderful marriage now and so much respect for each other. We have unbelievable love making which still spins me out that something so great has come from something so terrible. I hope the next two years fly and I too can feel as you do now!!!

  12. Tomorrow will be four years since Dday, and two nights ago our oldest became engaged to her boyfriend of many years. Such a collision of emotions. After watching the havoc that attacked her parents’ marriage, I wasn’t quite sure she would ever decide to take this step. I’m hoping that it signals her healing. Infidelity affects so many more people than just the couple and the intruder. I also hope the importance of communication has become clear to both she and her future husband. And I pray that they are able to avoid the pain and disappointment of infidelity in their relationship. I’m counting on the model of how we responded to this crisis and how we have remade our relationship will be enough. Now if I could just forgive myself for accepting less for so many years. So glad you are continuing to progress through this maze. –Jules

  13. Wow, you have all come so far. I’m up to 11 months today since d-day but I can’t get it out of my head. I didn’t just find out I had slut features husband come around to my house and play me a recording of them together. That is burnt into my brain and the visuals I had with it will never go away, I don’t know how I will ever forget it. It is still so fresh for me and yet my other worse half just carries on like nothing has ever happened. If I try to talk about it he just says I’m boring and to build a bridge, it’s over. Well, it’s not over for me, everyday feels like it’s the same day. The slut lived in the street behind us and she and her husband have since packed up and move but when their house was on the market I saw photos (I knew the previous owners and what the house was like) and what did I see? She had painted her house nearly the exact same as ours and had even gone out and bought exactly and I mean exactly the same dining set and stools, even the feature wall was the same bloody colour. Some days he would text her and talk to her over 90 times yet says there was absolutely no emotional connection. We are still together but I don’t know if I can ever really forgive him I just don’t think I can, I feel numb. He tells me every day numerous times that he loves me but they are just words he used to say it when he was with the slut too so to mean his words mean nothing. I had so many plans for our future when we were older and now they are gone I can’t even visualise them. I can’t even really look at him as all I see is him with her. That recording is going to kill me, how do you unhear him telling her how great it was after the fact whilst still in her it just makes me sick (sorry for details but ) I know he used to just stop at her house on the way to get my daughter from dancing and driving her to school and he says it was just a random thing whenever she said she was free and he wanted to yet they had rules (she has a young daughter about 4) he could go around anytime on a Thursday cause the kid was at preschool or anytime after 8pm when the kid went to sleep and the husband was at work, sorry that doesn’t sound so random to me. I just have so much hate I don’t know if I will ever feel anything else ever again. I wish I could be as strong as some of you but I’m thinking I’m just not and never going to be. Thanks for the vent and thank you everyone for sharing your stories.

    • Oh Bronni, What you really have going is deep hurt. So does he plus he’s dealing with embarrassment and shame for his wrong doing, he can’t say this, he can’t say he’s sorry as it would be too cutting to his ego. My husband would tell me to just get over it too, so I would tell him that I need his help to do so and would say what things I need to hear. He knows he was stupid, but if he’s like my husband he isn’t any more “over it” than you are. Grief doesn’t go away, no amount of paint will take that away. But don’t give up yet. Give you and him time and try to talk when you can. We may never be over it but let’s make new memories, ask him if he will do this with you. Thoughts are with you. Bre (working on yr 4)

    • It takes more strength and courage to stay than it does to leave. You are strong and you will make it! This post made me want to cry because I relate to a lot of what you’re going thru and my husband also seems to think it’s over so it shld be so even with me. It’s been 10 months since I found out and it hurts like it was yesterday. I have faith that God can heal but I really need him to take the thoughts, the triggers and all the images away. I have never felt as lonely as I did and probably still do as u feel you’re alone with the pain. All i can say is you stayed you are strong no man can ever take that away from you! I have considered my husbands afair as the death of our marriage and took my ring off but I pray that something different come up from the ashes of my marriage that is the only hope I hold on too now! Reading these blogs has also helped, you are not alone sad as it is it happens to many others and it’s never easy. Without faith and something to be hopeful about I think I would have lost it a long time ago. Find something that you can focus on from time to time I find it helps! Stay strong!

      • It will be 4 yrs Thanksgiving Day for my d-day. It has been so hard to let it go, it haunts me every day. Something will just hit out of the blue, a song, “her” name, something. This year I started a gratitude journal. This has been so healing. It didn’t seem like much but a friend suggested it and it really has helped. Hopefully it will help you too.

  14. I am just a few months short of 3 years as well. It is still painful sometimes…not the OW at all, but rather the betrayals and loss of the marriage I thought I had. I think I still grieve for that though it is true what I have now is so much better…hard won.

    I have have “days” and “triggers” and think about it more than I would like and then beat myself up for that …wishing I was stronger. Yet, as R goes, we are doing great. I do not worry at all about the other women …not at ALL…no comparison to me, baby! But I do still and probably always will, mourn for the marriage I imagined I had…imagined is the word because it was not real. We have the real one now…wow…never knew it would be like this.

    Sometimes these days, I feel so proud of myself. I stuck it out for him, me and us…for something in life that MEANS something…really means something…real love.. Maybe I AM stronger than I think.; )

    We will all be happy again…in a more real way, probably. Love to you all …all of you going through this. As long as we just keep moving forward even if it is just inch by inch. Peace to you all…

    THANK YOU for this BLOG…you articulate so well – exactly what I feel…thanks for putting words to my heart!

    • Just short of three years and yes, it’s the betrayal that lingers. But the affair made me value the marriage more and so the betrayal seems worse in retrospect. It actually made sense in his version of reality. As in, I see why he did it; stupid, weak and flattered. Furthermore, he was unable to come to me with problems and resentment; he compartmentalised the affair.. Sad. She is simply a nutter and a user, opportunist and waste of time. Just putting this out there in case it’s of use to anyone. X

  15. Thank you all for sharing. I am only 8 months from D-Day! I’m still hurting so badly inside I could scream. We have been in counseling for the entire 8 months. It has really helped, however, I can’t stop obsessing about Her. When does that Stop.???

  16. i am so blessed to have known michaelstealth you are god sent.i really appreciate working with you after you helped me discover my husband was cheating on me and all he asked for was his email and phone number, that way I was able to access all the information I needed .i am not ashamed to tell because i know alot of people need this too.
    Michaelstealth9@gmail.com is the best and assured person to run to for anything you need to fish out and any bone you wanna pick.i guaranty you.god bless you sir

  17. I find great strength in your story and the narrative you have created for yourself. I must admit, I have a similar story, but quite shamefully from the other side. I cheated on my soulmate that I thought I would marry and she has since left me. I could give all the excuses in the world as to why it happened, but at the end of the day, it was my poor choice. But I understand why she has left. Not just because of a broken heart, but because what we had pre-“D-Day” can never truly be recaptured. It is still fresh for us, and we are still young, only in our late twenties. I of course hope that our love will one day win out, but for now, I must learn to love her alone and wish her the best.

    I am very happy that you and your husband truly do love each other and have made relationship stronger because of your deep challenges. We are all imperfect, and understanding that and accepting each other lovingly is sweeter than perfection.

  18. September 22, 2015 is my d-day. After 4 kids and over 10 years being together (9 years married). Thank you for this blog. Thank you for sharing your story. I don’t feel so alone now.

  19. Hello everyone. I found this blog because my partner of over 6 years was sexting an old female friend and I ended the relationship immediately. The pain is excruciating at times. However I tried to end it before because basically, he is a slut and always will be, but during his need to flirt etc over the years I often felt tortured so that’s why I knew I couldn’t stay after the sexting and his weak promise to stop. I know that you are having many moment of feeling glad your husband and you are still together but I also can hear pain that will never go away. Maybe whether you are together or not the pain will never go away, but I can’t help wondering if part of the pain stems from staying with and loving someone who has betrayed you and lied about it, hidden it and all the while knowing you would be devastated by it, but didn’t care enough about you to not do it. I’m not trying to be mean, I’m wondering how you don’t let that reality sit in your mind when it is indeed the truth. That has the most painful part for me is that knowledge my partner didn’t love me enough, didn’t care about me enough and I’m healing from that knowing he is texting me one second that he thinks of no one but me and the next second is texting her 20 or 30 times a day for over a month. He even said to her he was being careful not to send the wrong text to the wrong person…I saw some of the messages. He doesn’t deserve to have someone like me in his life let alone loving him. I don’t think your husband deserves you, and I think you deserve way better. I know that I was a wonderful partner, not perfect and I did stand up for myself, but he will never find another woman like me, but he will find another partner in time and if she is good to him, he won’t respect her, he will never stop wanting other women and he will lie to her and make her feel like she is a bad person for not trusting him. No amount of being a good woman makes any difference to a bad man. The only solution is to find a good man because no man is better than a bad one. I’ll let you knowing if I find one before I die haha. I’m being very polarised by saying they’re bad men, but by that I mean men who cheat, lie and don’t understand what love is.

  20. My d-day is October 5, 2015. Your blog has helped me so much. It’s comforting to know that this happens in normal, loving families like ours. We’ve been married 22 years and have two teenagers…and now we join the ugly statistic of a family with a husband who cheated. We are in counseling and we both want our marriage to overcome this, but I hurt so very, very much. So many of your posts are exactly what I’m feeling. You give me hope. Thank you for sharing.

  21. I just found out a month ago that my husband was having an affair. He was acting weird for week. Put a lock on his phone. One night I saw his code. I waited for him to go to bed and broke into his phone. He had been texting one girl he met on a business trip but was having an emotional and sexual affair with at girl from his gym. We have been married for almost 15 years. High school sweethearts. I liked how you said that you didn’t feel like you anymore. I’m there. I don’t know what emotion is going to come out. I have no control over them. Its comforting to know that it gets better. Also to know that you are not the only one. Thank you for this blog.

  22. Your blog has helped me more than you know. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You give words to my feelings. Married twenty-one years, two kids, one affair….D-day was 10-5-15 and I ache inside every single day. We are working together and he is so remorseful, but I hurt like nothing I have ever imagined. It’s comforting to know that what I am feeling is “normal”…although I still can’t believe this is my life.

  23. if you are doubting the sincerity of your spouse or you want to know if he/she is cheating on you, we can render to you professional assistance by hacking their personal social media accounts… email us @ wizonkeys@gmail.com for more details

  24. its been 2 weeks since my husband finally confided in me something that was making him so profoundly sad. he had fallen in love with another girl, his colleague. and what broke my heart was the fact that he had loved her for 3 years! we are just 2 years in our marriage (with no kids) which means that he had started having feelings for her even before our commitment to each other.
    he thought that he was able to ignore those feelings apparently but only recently it grew stronger as he tried to avoid her, however due to work they have to face each other almost daily. the thing is currently the feelings are one-sided on his part. i know for a fact that if it was possible he would perhaps pursue physical intimacy with this girl.
    before he had confided in me, on several occasions he had also assured me that he would never do anything to hurt me because he loves me so much. thinking back on these occasions, i feel that i was so naive. to me this is already emotional cheating and on many levels it is worse than just a mere fling!
    he says that it is much too painful to give up on their close friendship and would give up on avoiding her, as he also wants to be there for her as she currently is undergoing some form of work stress depression. what can i say to that??! what i really wanted was for my husband to confess to this girl about his feelings, get an outright rejection and then move on.
    however he has decided he would not do that, which means i would have to cope with their friendship and this girl’s cluelessness. i love my husband so much that i would stick to him no matter what, but now in recent days i feel on off depression, and not to mention, i’m also trying my best to cheer him up because he’s been having a toothache and suffering as a result.
    my heart’s been in pain for a fact that i’m no longer the one and only in his heart, and the fact that he said he cannot love me any lesser nor the girl any lesser, and i probably have to carry this thought all the way till forever.

  25. I found out a few hours ago. I have kinda talked to my husband via text but I am waiting for him to come home. I am so lost and afraid of what´s to come in the next hours. But reading this blog has helped me a little bit. Thank you for that.

    • Stay strong, ask him the questions you need to know, that is one thing I wish I would have done rather than push this under the rug. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST, eat right, do things with friends, get your plan B together. I was so shocked and didn’t know what to do or say. I wish I wouldn’t have told a couple people, so my advice is be careful what you say and to whom. YOU ARE GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS. Thoughts will be with you from one who has been there ( going on 5 yrs, I learned one month before my 20th wedding anniversary and had no clue, all “looked” fine to me).

  26. Love reading this. It gives me hope. I am 18 months our from D-Day. I am MUCH better than I used to be, but far from where I want to be. My husband and I are better, but still (and always well) need to work on us. What truly sets me back far too often- is the “other woman” was my “best friend” of the better part of my adult life. I had never had a girl friend that I was so close to and shared so much with (apparently even my husband). I knew for some time that my husband and I were not connected, just going through the motions- so needless to say I wasn’t terribly surprised that he had strayed. But had absolutely NO IDEA my best friend was was betraying me as well. The hardest part- we still live about a mile from one another. Kids are in some of the same activities. I run into her- WAY more than I’d like to (which would be never). She has never made a single bit of effort to to give me healing space or an apology. My anger continues to build when I see her. And then bad feelings churn up all over again. It is this part that continues to “trigger” a backslide for me, more than anything. Not sure how to manage these feelings.
    Most important, is the continued healing of my marriage, but having to run into “her” always sets me back a bit. Any thoughts on dealing with this part of things???

  27. I am a year and a half post d day. I am still in the nitty gritty of the intense pain. Some weeks I have hope and others there is not even a glimmer. I too have grown so much and learned so much about myself. I don’t know how to overcome this pain and hurt. I guess I still have to continue to walk through it. Thanks for sharing your heart through this process.

  28. I’m at three years also and I’m glad I found this site. My husbands affair was with his daughter n law and mother of his two grandsons. I wanted to kill myself because this happened just a few years after our son committed suicide. That psychopath sat at my table every holiday, birthday, camping trip etc. she lived up the road in our duplexes. She used and took whatever she wanted including my husband. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who suffered such a cold hearted betrayal. I found out 12 years later and she was in our family twelve years. I don’t want to remember anything during that time.

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