Surviving Infidelity

There are stories that hijack our lives. They freeze our thoughts and capture our minds, taking hold of our emotional and physical state. My husband’s affair hijacked my life. I chose my username on WordPress, thiswillnotdrefineus, thoughtfully because I rejected my husband’s actions. My disappointment was fueled by rejection, loss, and pain. I had to believe his affair could be cleaned up like spilled milk. I wished I could get to a point where I forgot the affair ever happened.

His affair has been over for three and a half years and I have not forgotten it. It’s not a gushing wound anymore but the affair redefined our marriage. It changed me, him, and us. How could it have not?

The moment I fell in love with my husband my life was hijacked. It was permanently set on a course I had not planned but I embraced it. Most of us would be fools to reject love. We watch movies and cry for lost love and wistfully champion the story that captures our inner longing to be loved. We all want to be loved – and we want to believe in the moment of falling in love.

My love story is my favorite. In the wake of my d-day I began a long road of questioning if my love story was ever real and if I made the right choices. I spent most my life believing that finding love may be a struggle; getting the guy to commit may be difficult; but once you both fall in love and promise for better or worse – the rest is “happily ever after.” I thought that once we promised each other forever it would be smooth sailing.

So here I am. Post affair. I am long past the two year point where therapists claim it becomes easier or that healing is more complete. Yes, I am better. It’s easier and I would consider myself healed. But the thing is, “healed” doesn’t mean the pain is erased or that I even understand how I feel all the time.

I read in Brene Brown’s book Rising Strong that for forgiveness to occur something must die, you must face the pain, and simply hurt. I agree.

Recently someone asked me if I had gotten past the affair – you two are solid now, right? Yes, we are solid but let me clarify. I now understand not only the strength of my love for my husband but my limits too. I know our marriage is different. We have changed and it’s really freaking uncomfortable to change. Most of us resist change, especially in our most treasured and intimate relationships. My husband and I, we are changed. There will always be the knowledge of this affair between us. There will alway be an awkward silence when a friend brings up their opinion on infidelity, or we watch a movie and the main character discovers her husband’s affair. There will always be the squeeze of my hand on his knee to say: I love you in spite of this.

Infidelity is not black and white to those of us that have survived it. On a daily basis it can be more than 50 shades of gray. The point is we are surviving infidelity.

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42 thoughts on “Surviving Infidelity

  1. I found out my husband had a year long affair after our 10 year relationship. I found your blog 5 days after I found out. I just wanted you to know hearing your journey has helped me so much. Thank you for sharing it. I’ve never felt so understood. Like someone else had lived through exactly the feelings I have and survived the other side.

  2. Amen sister, My heart was broken into a million pieces and as I begin to face the 2 year mark since D-day I feel it healing and opening it up for unconditional love again. I will ALWAYS have a guarded relationship. Getting through this and moving on to a new married life has been the hardest and best thing I have ever done. ❤

  3. I relate completely to everything you post. Of course each story has differences but the pain, the memories, the wounds are the same. I’ve just passed the 2 year mark and everything with my husband is wonderful; better than before, in a bittersweet heartbreaking way. Thank you for sharing and making me feel “normal” in my process and progress.

  4. I hate the fact that I still don’t know who I am two years after. I hate that some friends judge me secretly for staying and some think I should be over it. I hate that I don’t have closure. Are we better, yes. I still think about it every day. I hate that too. I hate that I love this man who hurt me and shook my very identity to the core. More than my family and marital status, but who I am what I thought I believed in and stood for has been overturned. BUT…I know it’s harder to stay. I know I shouldn’t care what others think. I know this WILL make and IS making me grow. I am waiting, to see the spring, feel the relief that I hope I can get, some sense of normal. Someone going through the same thing said, get comfortable with being uncomfortable for an unspecified length of time. I am living there in this space.
    My new normal. I am not alone. I am grateful for second chances. I need this support, this blog, this knowledge of my heart without having to say a word. My therapy,my sorrow, my understanding my peace. Thank you.

  5. I have been reading your blog from my D-Day. Just over 2 and 1/2 years. I hope you know how much you have done for people with your words. When I first started reading you have just over 300 followers now it is over 1000 and those are just the people who register. I can’t tell you how many tears I have had reading all the true emotions of women all across the country that have been hurt. The pain does get easier and there are days when I don’t even think of Pernicious and other days when I cry all the way home. Making it this far has made us stronger than I think we ever could have been. My devotion this morning really struck me and could be true for so many scenarios. It said…life will never be the same, but you have the invitation to a new life, a more compassionate, a more wiser, a more productive life…an ever better life. Cheers my friends!

  6. “There will always be the knowledge of this affair between us. There will alway be an awkward silence when a friend brings up their opinion on infidelity, or we watch a movie and the main character discovers her husband’s affair. There will always be the squeeze of my hand on his knee to say: I love you in spite of this.”

    This is so true. Things have changed. It’ll never go back to being how it was and people who have never experienced it will never understand that. It really isn’t black and white. Healing and all that doesn’t mean it’s wiped from all memory and the slate is all clean. At this stage it seems to just be continuing to move forward despite the stains.

  7. This is so thoughtful, so true for me too. We have an entirely new marriage, and part of the grief was letting go of what I thought my marriage was, but really wasn’t. I will never again have blind trust, but I have healthy trust now. Thank you for being there for me in the early days when I could not yet write in public (was journaling like a crazy-woman, but all private). Your words and journey helped me so so much…and still does. HUGS.

  8. This is beautiful and it is so true. It is a very hard journey and the experience of infidelity has changed us all and changed our relationship forever. Thank you for writing this. Xxxx

  9. Thank you…. Your stories and all the comments from others has been a place for me to know that I was sadly not alone. My two year d day is in July and although the pain is not so debilitating, it still can knock me down. I’ve excepted that this is my life for now but at times when it is lonely, dark, and sad I wonder how long I can hold on.

  10. This was written so well and I feel these thoughts exactly. It’s amazing how woman going through this have such similar thoughts, feelings, and actions. It’s been about three months since D-Day for me and I’m so hopeful it will get better. I’m so broken. My husband swears he loved me through the affair and says he loves me more than ever now, and he shows it hourly, but I still struggle knowing it wasn’t enough at the time. We go over it just about every night. I ask questions and it basically boils down to it being an ego boost for him. They had only met one night hanging out with a group of friends. Nothing happened, but she gave him her number. She is also married and we live in different states. So he texted her a few weeks after he came home. Then they started texting daily-all day. 4 1/2 months later she came to see him for 5 days while I was out of town. Then 2 weeks later I found the text messages. How does one “fall in love” over text within 2 months?!? We had a dream marriage (and song thought!) All of our friends envied our marriage, our love. Now this out of nowhere! It’s hard to understand WHY.

  11. “But the thing is, “healed” doesn’t mean the pain is erased or that I even understand how I feel all the time.”

    THIS exactly. I so often feel hurt, and angry, alone, and confused — all related to the affair but it manifests in a way that I can’t predict or put in to words. Healed doesn’t look the way I thought it would.

  12. Ditto, my d day was 5 years ago, April 4th, I still get a sick feeling in my stomach when I hear her name, or the word affair. It will never go away, but it’s tolerable now. Our stories mirror each other so much, your words always mean so much. Thanks!

    • Omyyyyyyy I hear anyone with that name and nausea comes to my mouth. Anyone with her surname I turn my nose at them 😥😑

  13. I have been reading your blog since my D-Day almost one year ago – 3/14/2015. My husband had an affair with my closest friend in our town (and she lives three doors down on the same street!) – the only close friend I had since moving here before marrying my husband in 2002. She and her husband were in our wedding, and we are the Godparents to their youngest son born 5 months prior to our wedding. We were friends with their entire family, including their parents and grandparents. We spent a lot of time with all of them, including multiple vacations over the years. I cannot tell you how devastating it is to find out not only that your husband betrayed you, but the one person whom you were confiding in as a trusted friend as well. She even watched my children for years while I went to work. I talked to her about struggles in my marriage, and at times, things were tough – between working full time, raising two babies, and not having my family close, it was a very hard time. My husband has some anger issues and can be somewhat unpredictable and controlling, but I am learning now that some of that was his reaction to feeling hurt. I know they are both to blame for all of this, but I can’t help feeling that she took advantage of our situation. And I know a lot about their affair, which lasted for 3-5 years – including details that I wanted to know, but that are hard to un-know as you have said. My husband has never wanted out of our marriage (at least that is what he has said from the beginning), and his reactions initially are so much like those of your husband’s, but for nine months past my confronting him, he continued to contact her behind my back. I even once early on heard him tell her that he wanted her in his life, but that they had to stay with their families because it was the right thing to do. Still, he called it their “cake and eat it too” mode, and they continued to be in contact despite my catching them somehow each month. Finally, in December, I had had enough and told him to get out, but he told me that it was over with her and he is where he wants to be. He says he has made this decision with a clear mind, and that is how he knows it is truly what he wants. Obviously, there is a lot more to my story, but I wanted you to know that just reading about your struggles has helped me enormously. Sometimes I feel like the sadness is going to swallow me up whole. I don’t know how to trust him, and I really worry whether I ever will be able to. I know so many people say they have healed and have a better marriage, and I can see how that is possible, but I just don’t know if it is possible for us. I know we need more time. On days like today, you need to know that someone out there like me has read your words and gotten some comfort – thank you for speaking out and know that I pray for you and all those out there suffering this pain.

  14. My two year D-day is the end of May, that “magical” two year mark that is supposed to signal a turning point in recovery. I had hoped that by that time I wouldn’t trigger or cry or feel so betrayed. Now I know that’s not realistic. Yes, we’ve come a long way and yes, I don’t trigger nearly as often and I handle the triggers a lot better. But betrayal will always be a part of our marriage, no matter how far in the past. Thank goodness we’re getting stronger together and separately or the pain of the past two years wouldn’t have been worth suffering. Thank you for your wisdom.

  15. I also am 3 1/2 years post D-Day. No, it’s never going to be erased completely, and every single day I still wonder if he continues being faithful to me. The trust will absolutely never been where it was before D-Day, but it is being rebuilt, ever so slowly.

    One thing I have changed my mind about is this. I always thought a spouse who didn’t kick the cheater out and file for divorce was a weak person. I believed that a person was weak for staying with a cheater – that they didn’t have the gutts to do it on their own. But now I know it’s absolutely the opposite. Staying with the cheater and trying to work things out takes sooooooooooo much more work then ending the relationship! It would have been so much easier for me to walk away than try work things out. Staying with a cheater takes strength, courage and determination, all things that I never knew I had in me!

  16. I tried for three years not to walk away from a thirty year marriage. He did not want to save our marriage & family. After almost three years in court and through the marriage of my son (real hard) and not wanting to stop the divorce, we are divorced. My house was ordered to be sold by the court. Nothing yet. Nothing about this is easy.

  17. I’m coming up on the one year anniversary for discovering my husband’s affair, and this post is so true; my eyes filled with tears and my stomach got that sick, queasy feeling. His affair has changed me so much. No one understands (except maybe those going through the same thing). I keep wondering when will I ‘forgive and forget’. Can I even? Some days I just don’t have the energy to even want to try and forgive. It’s a daily battle. And those are the times I just want to give up. But we have young children and I really want to be strong for them.
    Thank you for sharing your story on this blog. It’s so helpful to know that others are going through the same crazy emotions.

  18. After sleeping on yesterday’s post, I woke began making my coffee (just as I’ve done since before and after D-day) with this thought . . . thiswillnotdefineus is right and I need to share my graditude.

    I feel I’m continuing to heal, also, 2.5 years after D-Day and my marriage is better than it was AND WHY, despite the healing (as you so perfectly wrote) “doesn’t (that) mean the pain is erased or that I even understand how I feel all the time.” I’ve, less frequent, moments of deep resentment and I try to release, let go. It’s quite a process.

    You see, your wisdom brings me peace. It’s OK to feel pain. AND I want to concentrate on the present. My husband and I have worked hard to get to this very place in life with our little family. I refuse to allow the past to ruin the present. UGH. It sounds so simple. Mindfulness . . . remaining in the present moment with kindness and curiosity while, for me, believing that the Divine is leading my through a benevolent Universe.

    Thank you, thiswillnotdefineus. Thank you. Big hugs to you, today.

  19. Great post. It will be five years for us this October, and it’s gotten so much better, but it’s still there, lurking. There are times when you just have to feel the pain. Great kindness to yourself for making it through these moments is important, I think, and realizing that there was a reason for the forgiveness. We celebrate our 22nd anniversary this month, and I keep hoping that things continue to get easier.

    • Our 22nd anniversary is in June, but it has just been five months since d-day. Some days are better than others, but I think about it so much. We are doing well overall, but feeling emotionally fragile is exhausting. I long to feel real joy again that isnt shrouded by a fog of grief. I have so many things to be thankful for, but I feel like I have an “affair haze” in my brain. Love this blog so much. It has helped keep me sane. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

  20. This blog is so helpful and your thoughts and feelings are so beautifully relayed. Thank you for your posts and also thank you to all the commenters. It helps so much to know that there are others out there enduring this painful process, hugs to you all. I wish we could all meet!

  21. its only been 4 months since I found out about my husbands affair. I found your blog the day after i found out. I was in bed crying and writhing in pain and just had to find someone else who knew what I was feeling. I have read every post and I cannot thank you enough for sharing your experience. I am surprised at how well I am doing and at how well my husband and I are doing at only 4 months out. I credit a lot to reading your blog, a great therapist, my faith in God and my husband doing everything to be there for me in everyway through this process. Your blog gave me so much but most of all it gives me hope. Thank you.

  22. I am five months out fron d-day. Married 21 years with two teenagers. This blog has literally saved my life. Most posts state exactly what I feel but can’t always seem to put into words. The hurt for me is so deep and so raw, but my husband is very remorseful and we are in counseling. I know this will get better and less painful with time, but it is so exhausting day-to-day. I am grateful for this group of women who really understand.

  23. thank you so much for your post. This makes me feel normal and you have put into words what I couldn’t. I’m on my third year and it has gotten easier but the memory, some pain still want to hang around. I pray when it comes because my mind has a tendency to take on things that aren’t real because of the past. For instance a woman named Tracy was hired at my husband’s job and she will be working closely with him. A good friend of mine got a new position and this female is taking my friend’s place. My husband has mentioned how funny she is and have really hit it off because “she just has that type personality” he says. they joke and kid and while he’s not hiding anything, I see the warning signs and it is all too clear to me and I’m off to the races in my head. My silent treatment starts and he wants to know what’s wrong and I say “nothing I’m good”. Secretly I know he knows what I’m thinking and neither of us wants to revisit the past and I try to act like everything is ok. I had to call my girlfriend to see what this new coworkers deal was… is she happy with her husband and why is she so damn friendly when she’s only been there a short time. I was assured by my friend that I had nothing to worry about and she would feel the same way and to always trust my instincts. My friend tells she has my back and woman and her husband who also works at the same company is very happy with her husband. The fact is though because of my husbands choices this is what I’m resorting to. I hate it and it will get better if I trust God. Its not easy but I’m a survivor like all of us are. Thanks again and blessings to you.

  24. Today we celebrated our 43rd anniversary. I had my husband read you latest blog because it is how I feel. It has been 2,1/2 years since d-day and yes, life is better, but, there are so many reminders. A lot of the days I suffer in silence and just keep moving forward. Our marriage is better in so many ways. My husband has put forth so much effort. I love the knew him. Why do we have to suffer to achieve something better? We have so much to be thankful for and so many good memories we have shared. I wished it was easier to keep me from thinking about the wh—e!

  25. I just found this blog because I was searching for information/advice on feelings of indifference. Since many of you who post are a year or more post “D-Day” (who knew there was an actual term for it!), I thought I’d reach out. I found out 3 months ago my husband has been having an affair with a woman he has history with (he cheated on his previous wife with this same woman, prior to cheating on that same wife with me). She is on the West coast, we are on the East so this was a “same time next year” thing but they kept in touch regularly via phone/text. I figured it out quite by accident when looking over our phone bill and noticed an incredibly large number of texts to one particular number. I knew who it was before I even did a reverse look up on the number. I knew in my gut prior to this that he had been seeing her. I confronted him more than once over the past few years (it’s been going on for 4 years). He always denied. Last May we had a huge blowout precipitated by me getting fed up with his constant criticism of me. He apologized, begged me to give him another chance and again, I asked him if he was cheating on me or if he had ever cheated on me. Again, he denied. He was very attentive for the next few weeks but then all went back to “normal”. He continued on with his “friendship” and had all intentions of meeting up with her again in January but I figured out what was going on in December and as he says “the shit hit the fan”. I asked him to move out (he’s been gone 3 weeks) and we are each seeing our own individual therapists and going to joint marriage counseling.

    Here’s my issue (well, one among many, I suppose). I feel rather indifferent about working on our marriage. Once I cut through the anger, rage, the “injustice” of it all, I’m really left with “why do I want to be with this person”? And I do not have an answer other than he’s what I’ve known for the past 17 years. Everyone says “oh you can work on your marriage and it’ll be better than ever”. But what has been in the back of my mind is exactly what you are all saying. That this will never be forgotten. I am a forgiving person. Eventually, I will forgive…though I am not rushing to do that. But, it will never be forgotten and will always be a stain, a thorn, a moment when you watch a movie and it all comes rushing back. And I’m wondering why bother?

    This indifference has been creeping in over the course of many years. I’ve grown tired of trying to connect with him….trust me, I have tried in countless ways. I just accepted that our relationship was what it was. Not bad, not great. We got along well…although not intimate emotionally and less and less physically over the past few years. I accepted it and he went off and “got his needs met elsewhere”.

    I’m not afraid of being alone, in fact, I have been alone within the marriage a long time. I have no desire to reconnect at this point, truth be told. But, in the interest of making sure I’m not just disconnecting as a way to deal with the pain, I am going through the motions. But, wondering…why bother?

    Thanks for listening/reading.

  26. I have been reading all the blogs and comments on this site. It’s both encouraging and discouraging seeing how much pain and suffering still occurs months and years from the event. Almost all the comments here are from people that have been betrayed. In this case I was the one that did the betraying. Even typing the word “betray” seems surreal and causes so much pain typing it out. It’s not a word that I would have associated with myself. I never in a million years thought I would cause this much pain to my wife. The person I love and wanted to protect forever, grow old with and leave this world together. We have been married for 18 years and have been together since high school. We were both each other’s first and really formed a special bond. I knew her since childhood and we truly built something special. Our love and bond was full of laughter, passion and fun even after all these years.

    About 5 to 6 months ago I started suffering from depression and work related stress. I was laid off work and made some more bad decisions career wise. I didn’t know work impacted me so deeply. I have always been very successful professionally and never really hit any road bumps. I didn’t even share with my wife that I was laid off initially. I felt shame and insecurity. I went on a few interviews and unfortunately now met the OW during an interview. I will not dive into the details because it shames me to even type what happened and I also have triggers on not wanting to relive anymore of those days. In summary I had an affair that ended with me lying to my wife about a business trip. Even when I was discovered I didn’t have the courage to admit and lied more to cover things up. Now I am here broken, ashamed and remorseful. EVen the word “affair” brings me so much pain, shame and guilt. I know if she reads this she will have the same shivering thoughts just reading these words and associating them to me. Someone whom she trusted with all her heart.

    It’s been 3 months since her finding out and we are trying to hold ourselves together. We are both struggling and in a lot of pain. I miss our old days.. I miss our old memories of just laughing, being silly and just being happy with each other. All the small little things we use to do to make us laugh. Those days seem so far away and I’m so afraid that I may have destroyed them forever. Seeing my wife in so much misery and pain everyday is destroying us. I just wish there was something I could do which is how I came across this site. I’m looking for any information and advice I can find. I only wish I came across this site before and read about others experiences and how something so selfish like what I did can destroy lives. I’m just praying and wishing there is some sort of light at the end of the tunnel. We are both barely hanging in there and I’m afraid that this will last for as long as we are together. 😦 just thought I would share my story, vent a bit and perhaps get some pearls of wisdom at the same time.

  27. I have been reading all the blogs and comments on this site. It’s both encouraging and discouraging seeing how much pain and suffering still occurs months and years from the event. Almost all the comments here are from people that have been betrayed. In this case I was the one that did the betraying. Even typing the word “betray” seems surreal and causes so much pain typing it out. It’s not a word that I would have associated with myself. I never in a million years thought I would cause this much pain to my wife. The person I love and wanted to protect forever, grow old with and leave this world together. We have been married for 18 years and have been together since high school. We were both each other’s first and really formed a special bond. I knew her since childhood and we truly built something special. Our love and bond was full of laughter, passion and fun even after all these years.

    About 5 to 6 months ago I started suffering from depression and work related stress. I was laid off work and made some more bad decisions career wise. I didn’t know work impacted me so deeply. I have always been very successful professionally and never really hit any road bumps. I didn’t even share with my wife that I was laid off initially. I felt shame and insecurity. I went on a few interviews and unfortunately now met the OW during an interview. I will not dive into the details because it shames me to even type what happened and I also have triggers on not wanting to relive anymore of those days. In summary I had an affair that ended with me lying to my wife about a business trip. Even when I was discovered I didn’t have the courage to admit and lied more to cover things up. Now I am here broken, ashamed and remorseful. EVen the word “affair” brings me so much pain, shame and guilt. I know if she reads this she will have the same shivering thoughts just reading these words and associating them to me. Someone whom she trusted with all her heart.

    It’s been 3 months since her finding out and we are trying to hold ourselves together. We are both struggling and in a lot of pain. I miss our old days.. I miss our old memories of just laughing, being silly and just being happy with each other. All the small little things we use to do to make us laugh. Those days seem so far away and I’m so afraid that I may have destroyed them forever. Seeing my wife in so much misery and pain everyday is destroying us. I just wish there was something I could do which is how I came across this site. I’m looking for any information and advice I can find. I only wish I came across this site before and read about others experiences and how something so selfish like what I did can destroy lives. I’m just praying and wishing there is some sort of light at the end of the tunnel. We are both barely hanging in there and I’m afraid that this will last for as long as we are together. 😦 just thought I would share my shame, my story, vent a bit and perhaps get some pearls of wisdom at the same time.

  28. Wondering why aren’t my comments posting? How can I fix this. Love your blog, your writing is beautiful and so helpful. Thank you.

  29. Thank you all for sharing your most truthful emotions. At 6 months, I realize rebuilding trust must take a long time. It must be based on new experiences. I have read about the 2 year mark and now realize that must be an anticipated goal. I have learned that when I love him selflessly, I rediscover my joy. My faith is strong. When I have weak inner thoughts, i pray to be fearless, be still, look for Gods blessings, Be quiet (no going back to relive the past). I must trust that what was meant to destroy me/marriage/family God will turn those ashes into beauty. My peace returns as I move forward with Gods promise. Truth is my husband hurt me deeply. My question to self is “Jesus, what now? Now that this is my reality. What would you have me do?” His answer, learn. If we make the choice to let it lead us from our hurt to positive changes. It will. God will. I must say while part of me is broken, I am more happy now. Better than before this pain. I long for the day I cry no more. I still have much growth to do in terms of letting it all go and giving it all to God. It is His job to impact my husband based on if I let Him do his work through me. It is obvious when we are watching a show of any mention of an affair, husband changes channel quickly. He must carry some inner guilt still. It actually gives me a sense healing that he is aware of what is influencing our thoughts. Our goal is to move forward. I give thanks to God for all my blessings. I try not to understand it all. We both regret how we failed each other. I trust God has something greater for us. Fight the good fight. Pray for your spouse. Give thanks in all circumstances. I choose to love him and forgive him. God is fighting my battle for me.

  30. I’ve done a lot of work on this, a lot of my journey looks like yours. I’ve never come across anything that encompassed everything the way you have. You have a gift for expressing how it really feels and the conflicts a person faces after this. I used music for all of my journey, even the parts where I needed silence. I actually found “Little Do You Know” accidentally stumbling upon your website on one of those strange insomnia nights. I just wanted you to know that although maybe you started this as a way for you to heal yourself, it touched me and helped me in ways I’ll probably never be able to express. Thank you.

  31. Two years and two months post D-day and it still seems like I’m a shell of the man I was before my discovery. I stayed because of my kids…period. The lies and degree of betrayal were more than I could handle, but I decided that my life was less important than those that I have been blessed to protect. There have been times that I didn’t think I could go another day and there have been times which I’ve watched my kids having fun and I’m glad to have stepped up for them. I didn’t want my messed up wife’s issues to be a influencing factor on their lives.
    We all have our reasons for staying. We all hate what has been done to us. I’ve found myself constantly drawn to this blog wanting to give each of you a hug and let you know how much I understand what you are going through. I genuinely feel all of your pain.
    I hate it. I hate the ones that have cheated. In a messed up way, I feel sorry for them too. Living a double life would simply be too much for me to handle. The person that chooses to betray and then slip home to the family that loves them must have something missing inside of them. They must be missing the gene that helps them to feel for others. I think they get so caught up in their narcissistic minds that they somehow feel like they deserve the attention from others…that they are entitled to the affection from another.
    Some of them feel sorry when they get caught and some of them don’t. The ones that express sorrow after being caught, to me, are the ones that want it all. They want their family at home and the status quo that comes along with it. They also adore the affection and attention from others… they deserve it. Only when forced to decide which one they want more do they show the remorse and sorrow for their actions. I often wonder how sorry they would be if they weren’t caught?
    I hit the two year mark two months ago, and I celebrated it alone with a fire, beer, and some music on my farm. It was a beautiful night, the fire was perfect, the beer was cold, and the music couldn’t have been any better. It was then that I realized that I couldn’t help but be thankful to God for getting me this far. There were days when I wanted to sell it all and run away, and there were days that I felt like God himself was holding me up-right. Whatever it is/was that has gotten me this far, I sincerely appreciate it. My kids have been the greatest gift I have ever received and seeing them happy is wonderful. I adore them and I’m giving it my all to stay and make it a happy home for them. However… Ladies… I’m not going to lie. It sucks and it hurts. I’m angry, sad, and happy all at the same time. I will never look at my wife the same. I’m proud of myself for giving up most of me for the kids, but I’m super pissed that I had to even consider doing this.
    I wish it all away for each of us. As many of you have mentioned, I have read this blog since my D-day. Every time I read your stories, I want to wash it all away for you so that you can feel like you again. You are all some of the strongest people in the world and I admire each and every one of you! It is a hell of a lot harder to stay than to go. Thanks for all of your words. Hang tough. …Getbusylivin

  32. I am so happy and proud of you and your husband.

    I just bought the 2 Brene Brown books, Rising Strong and Daring Greatly. My girlfriend is following her online course that is based on these two books and she recommended them to me. I have started to read Daring Greatly.

    I am the exact same amount of time that you are post affair but my journey is different in that there was no reconciliation. We are still not beyond the affair with our legal issues and I emotional issues. We can’t speak to each other or do anything together for the sake of the children.

    Oddly, it is my ex, the one who had the affair, that seems to be most bitter and angry with me, refuses to pay what he agreed to pay in our mediation, drags out the legal process and won’t let me participate in anything that he and the kids are doing. He is still with the other woman.

    I don’t understand his decision to have the affair but what baffles me more are his ongoing choices and behaviour pertaining to me and the kids. He can’t seem to accept that there are financial consequences to him and consequences with the relationship of me and his girls. He feels we should all just forgive and forget and move on I think, joyfully, and uneventfully.

    I think I am way closer to moving on than he is on every level. I am just very glad that I am not the one who caused the damage to our relationship and our kids’ lives. I am not the one that devastated our family financially. Maybe it is harder for him to forgive himself and his bitterness with himself leads him to continue to take it out on me. I don’t know. Maybe when the legal aspect is resolved we can start to heal the other aspects. It is still just a big sad mess.

    • Exact same with me. I am hoping, too, that now that court is over and we are divorced, he would somehow stop blaming me for all of it and become part of the man he was for 35 years. Nope. This takes a long time.

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