Secrets Keep You Sick

I cringe as I admit I heard that statement on a recent episode of the Real Housewives of New York. Yet, as the woman said those words they struck a chord with me. Secrets have enveloped my life for more than four years. Secrets crafted behind my back, secrets that I uncovered, secrets I chose to keep private, and secrets I have conceived on my own too. Secrets are ultimately destructive and, yet, the excitement that embodies the pure psychology of a secret is so damn tempting.

This blog started out as a catharsis for me. A place to purge all my emotions, fears, and secrets. As much as I write and divulge it’s never a complete story, never enough to fully purge my fears or heal every emotion.

My marriage is different now. The truth is my marriage will never be the same. I don’t think I will ever be able to completely breathe a sigh of relief or go to bed and not feel this weigh down on me. It’s hard to admit but I know I am responsible for so much of this.

5d1d495bdae42e3941e8e5103182b0e4When my husband and I first met our relationship wasn’t by any definition “normal.” The foundation of our relationship may have not been constructed on the sturdiest of soil and with the best pieces us. We were both involved with other people when we met and those relationships and their issues bled into our relationship. My insecurities were compounded by his request to not discuss the former relationships.


We tried to bury those secrets and paint over them with our life together. We painted this beautiful story together on a really crappy canvas. The “us” part of our picture or story was solid, good, beautiful, and wonderful. It was the bits and pieces of us as individuals that were cracked. All of my insecurities kept me from being the best version of me and being a good partner. If I couldn’t discuss my husband’s failed relationships then how could I fully understand him? His needs? His insecurities? We buried layers of ourselves and pretended like it was unimportant. I learned the questions I never asked were the most destructive. They created triggers, defense mechanisms, and insecurities that I never should have harbored.

I chose my blogging username, ThisWillNotDefineUs, because I truly believed that my husband’s affair should not and would not define our marriage. While it doesn’t define our marriage, it did end up being a definitive part of my life and our life together. Secrets have a riptide effect on relationships. The emotions, fears, and moments I didn’t talk about ended up impacting my decisions and the people around me. I often filled in the empty spaces with answers that complete the sentences.

Three years later it’s hard not to fall back into the same relationship patterns from our past. Sometimes I have to stop myself when I feel myself slipping inside myself, building walls, because it will only lead to me pulling away from my marriage. I also fear repeating the same mistakes that pushed my husband into the arms of another woman. I am not saying that it’s my fault, but I am saying that how I treated him and how I was living was a factor in his affair. Post-affair, as life settles back into normalcy, I fear that it’s not enough to keep him here. As the words flow through my fingertips I realize that I have this fear and it’s a secret harbored within me. The cycle continues… I need to be brave enough to end this pattern of secrets.


41 thoughts on “Secrets Keep You Sick

  1. Thank you for this post.
    Trying to face real honesty again is a challenge for me too. Secrets of politeness, face saving, silently supporting while inside I wanted to protest, thinking I was being understanding and supportive really turned out to be the undoing of my relationship.

    • How do we not keep secrets? I feel like I am living one big secret, yet I don’t care for my teenagers, my family, or my community to know about my husband’s affair. But that’s part of my struggle….living each day like nothing is wrong when SO much has changed. Very exhausting! And I have found that the few close friends who do know, don’t really understand, or they judge me for staying. *sigh*

  2. I have to start off by saying I was worried about you. Yours was the first blog I found in this journey a year ago and it actually saved me. Helped keep me sane and pushing forward. It helped me find a path to healing my marriage but more importantly myself. So, I was ever so glad to see your post.
    Next, I smiled when you mentioned Housewives of New York. Damn that Mario!! I think Ramona would benefit by reading your blog.
    I have found that infedility has forced us to really examine our marriage. ALL of it. Like you not exactly a pretty picture. Like most couples life got in the way and we allowed it to. But more than that “life” hid all the cracks in our marriage and now there is no more hiding and we are better for it. How sad it took an affair to get us to really talk.
    What really struck me were your words ” post affair as life settles back into normalcy I fear that it is not enough to keep him here.” Yes there you have it! My feelings exactly. I find myself on edge when it is normal. Just life, day In and day out. I have told my husband this. He says to him it’s a relief. He didn’t realize how much he missed the stability until everything was almost lost to him. Comforting maybe but I don’t buy it. I always counter home with some thing like “But that is when you left us.” For me this keeps me alert that I ( and by I I mean we) need to shake it up a little. Make it a little less normal. Make a memory. Grow a little more.
    I’m only a year into this mess. Yes I passed the first year anniversary! Woo hoo! I wish I had some words to help you. Maybe the normalcy is really what was missed and makes them come around to real life and what cements us together in the end. It is what the affair did not provide. Could never provide.
    Love to you.

  3. Your mistakes did NOT push him into the affair. His lack of character did. His selfishness did. His lack of respect for you and his marriage did. Lack of honest communication did. Secrets did. You were both in the same marriage, he cheated but you did not. If “normalcy” is not enough to keep him faithful, nothing will be. Eventually there has to be normal. Just make sure it’s a better normal than before, a more honest normal, a normal without secrets.

    That’s the normal I’m working hard to achieve. If we can’t have a better, more honest, more respectful marriage than the last two years have been a waste of time.

    Good luck

    • I completely agree. Absolutely nothing a spouse does or says “pushes” the other spouse into an affair. This is a dangerous posture to take, because it removes responsibility from the cheating spouse. They must fully and completely own the truth of walking into the affair. This ownership of their mistake allows them to examine their character, coping skills and vulnerabilities. THAT is what will keep them from cheating again in the future. It is reckless to place ANY blame or responsibility on the betrayed spouse. It is not our job to create an environment that will make them “want” to stay. Normal life and a marriage of faithfulness is something they must want and learn how to cope with for themselves. Affairs are shiny distractions. Two completely different things and it’s not our job as betrayed spouses to try and spin plates, juggle balls, and in general entertain our spouse in being faithful.

      We were very lucky to have two highly qualified therapists that told my husband right away that he needed to own his affair. Whatever we wanted our marriage to look like in the future or whatever we felt it looked like in the past was for later discussion. Initial months and months of counseling were focused solely on recovery from the affair. For both of us. It helped the healing process for me that no one gave him an excuse for his horrid behavior of how he was treated or what he was missing.

    • Well said… Something I am still working for, if not dealing with in the past six years. I am still hoping for and trying to believe in love after three affairs and another fling in the very beginning.

  4. My “D” day 1 year is coming up. I found your blog a few weeks after I found out my husband’s infidelity. This blog couldn’t have come at a better time. I struggle with the fact that he’s kept his secrets for so long. Even after I asked if he was cheating on me 6 months before I found out. Some days are great because of the normalcy, but there are moments when something, someone, reminds me of what he did. It’s so hard. Especially since we have little boys.

    • It is so hard. I hope that you are finding that you are stronger than you ever knew. Teach your boys about honesty in relationships and advocating for their needs. I’m always hoping that I can raise my sons to not cheat not their spouses. I don’t know if that is possible – but I hope so.

  5. Three years in and I’m still looking over my shoulder. I think this is basically due to the fact the my DH hadn’t done much to help me heal. He cheated and Im left with the scars. We are still together but it’s hard to tell if things will ever go back to normal as he still remains fb friends with the OW. I cannot believe his blatant disregard for me.

    • This was excellent again, I thank you for this. Your blog has helped me so much as have the other women here who have been hurt and effected by this awful epidemic. Pat, I don’t think I could stand for my husband still being FB friends with the OW, you have to tell him it is not acceptable. I feel for you, how horrible. Stay strong ladies xo.

  6. Ah, the dribs and drabs of secrets. I found out about my husband’s emotional affair 2 years ago…it had gone on for 2 years prior. I originally found out 6 months after it started. After screaming and tears and a demand for a no-contact letter which was sent…he continued the relationship. I found out a year and a half later that it had continued. Now for the past 2 months he has given me a tidbit of this and that, never the entire truth. Just this Saturday he mentioned something she said in an email that I’d read and that “We need to talk about that.” 48 hours have come and gone and still no mention of this. I am sick to death of having to dig for details. I want the truth, I want it now, and I want all of it. I do not want to drag this out again. I am at my wit’s end.

  7. Your blog has lifted me and eased my loneliness since my D-Day on Oct. 5, 2015. Your circumstances are slightly different, but the feelings you describe are exactly the same. It has been comforting to learn that good people have bad problems sometimes, and that my crazy feelings aren’t so crazy after all. On the other hand, I long for the day when this almost physical hurting subsides. It is constantly there, waiting to kick me when I’m down. Our marriage is on the mend, and we are in counseling, but I can’t forget. The daily emotional pain is just exhausting. The world goes on and daily life with a family and busty teenagers goes on, and I just keep hurting….

    • So happy I Found this blog. Even though it’s not my language it helps a lot. Sorry for my bad English. My d Day was on september 5, 2015. Hé had a one year affair en than did not tell me for 8 months. I had no idea. It was a total unexpected hit from the back. We just finished a four week Dream Journey to asia with our four children. The year behoren was diffcult, I started a Job that was a big step and took a lot of time and energy that frist year, While his own business wasnt working at that time. but we could discuss it openly. I thought.
      Hé told me in the end because he was afraid for the OW or her husband to tell me.unfortunaltely they live in a Village nearby. Hé told me but left out a lot of information what lead to more severe pain later on because he kept lying when hé was telling me this was the absolute truth. I really thought of ending my marriage then.
      We are kind of rebuilding our marriage. We take smalle steps. The hurt gets less. I have more focus on our future. I can see the role I played. I dont blame myself but I can learn from the affair. Our relationship can grow. I know it can.
      But sometimes I can get so angry. For the lies and the total disrespect. What did he think? That he could just set one foot out of the marriage and expect me to just move on because he wants to move on? I have a saying in this.
      Ups and downs.

      • It is very difficult not to get stuck in an emotional spiral. There have been times when I felt myself spiraling into a dark place and I have to recognize those feelings, consider what is real versus what is imagined. It’s a journey I never wanted to go on but I am learning more about myself, my husband, and our marriage than I ever could have if we had not faced this betrayal. I hope you are having more ups than downs. Take care.

  8. October 19, 2016 it will be three years for us. It is better, but still haven’t figured out how to get the OW off my mind. My husband has made a complete turn around and we have worked together on our marriage, but, I still feel empty inside while smiling on the outside.
    Thank you for sharing your story, I know I am not alone with my feelings!

    • Today’s my D-day. It’s been a year. I still struggle with the thought that he lied to me for so long, even though I asked him if he was cheating on me months before I found out. Your blog couldn’t have come at a better time. We are trying to work it out. The normalcy of everyday life is nice, but I have those moments of reflection and wonder if I’m doing the right thing.

    • Mmallen333, I am the same way! It’s only been seven months, and things are headed in the right direction, but it haunts me. It doesn’t help that she stalked us after my husband broke it off, so I was constantly on edge. I am just still in shock that this happened to us. This is not how our life was supposed to go! I look at her fb page just to keep tabs on her to be sure she isn’t in our area. I long for a time when the affair doesn’t enter my mind the second I wake up every morning. I also feel inadequate and “not enough” in many ways. If it happened once, will it happen again? Why weren’t the kids and I enough? We have been to counseling, but there are no real answers. We are staying together because my husband is a good man who has always been very good to me. The affair was so out of character for him. He is a loving provider and we rarely even argue. This one big scar on our marriage is killing me, though. If I could turn back time….

      • Letsip-I am on 8 months since my D day-I understand how you are feeling. I wake up every morning and it’s usually the first thing that enters my mind. It is HAUNTING. I can relate also to checking the OW’s FB to check up on her and to get a clue as to the type of person she is. I cannot help myself. You are lucky that she doesn’t live in the same town, I wish I could say that! I actually wish that she…….well I won’t say, I am ashamed.

      • Dear GoldenGirl – I read your post yesterday and it has really stuck with me. Im not that much further out in this than you and as we all find out on these blogs is that not only are we not alone but we go through similar stages, reactions, feelings, etc.. after an affair. You said you were ashamed but please don’t be. What you are feeling is normal. I have felt ( and still do) the same way and I remember when I found out others had similar feelings as me I thought ” whew so I am not really a lunatic.” You did not ask for what was done to you and your life. The OW felt she was entitled to take something from you ( or borrow, but it makes no difference). Its normal to feel pure rage. It only shows how hurt you really are. Your best revenge is to step right over her and pursue the life you want. That is the life YOU want not what society says, or relatives and friends trying to be helpful say it should be. I believe the infidelity will never feel “ok’ with me. It’s not ok. But I am learning to accept that it is not ok and to move past it. A one step forward and 2 step back approach yes, but slowly and surely forward. My marriage is stronger and better. The irony to how it got here is so sad but the love I feel from my husband makes me realize I made the right choice.

  9. Thank you so much for sharing your journey. There is comfort in knowing you are not alone. It has been 3 years since my D-day and I am still struggling. Maybe because the whore is my ex best friend/neighbor who continues to live across the street with her husband and children. We are still together and are both committed to making our marriage an even better version than before. That said, it is still incredibly difficult to get past how someone you love can keep such a horrible secret for two years and to find it “exciting”. I too worry that he may miss the “excitement” and stray again. I guess none of us will ever know for sure, but we must be able to trust ourselves to handle the outcome, whatever it may be. Much love!

  10. Just wanted to say I’ve been reading all your posts and feel a mix of relief that I’m not alone and sadness that so many of us are tormented by these ongoing fears. This month is my one year D-Day anniversary. I relate to much of what you say.

    I first suspected New Years Eve 2014/15. I first knew May 2015. I had confirmation from him June 2016. Since May 2015 I have lost twenty eight pounds. Not because I was on a diet ‘to be prettier for him’, but because I could not eat. I am a comfort eater. This is a sign of how far I’d gone… yes, like your title says, Secrets Keep You Sick.

    A friend recently said, ‘are you stronger together or stronger apart?’ as a measure of how good the relationship is. It’s a thought provoking question. My friend also said, ‘we can’t change who we are or what triggers we have, but we can learn to change our behaviours.’ If the strayed spouse is making all kinds of loving gestures but are not willing to commit to work on changing behaviours, or commit to looking at why they have certain needs (i.e. the need to be admired, which takes a wrong turn and becomes an affair–or several) and figure out healthier ways to have those needs met, then the betrayed spouse needs to decide if they can live with that the rest of their lives.

    Taking blame out of this and just looking at the facts helps: It is terrifying to some people to examine the dark places in their heads. If the strayed spouse cannot be courageous enough to make these efforts and look deep inside for answers, it shows he/she doesn’t care enough about the marriage or his/her spouse. Can the betrayed spouse live with that forever?

    We can’t ‘fix’ other people. We can’t take responsibility for their choices. We can be accountable only for our choices and yes, we might have done things that have pushed them away, but they chose what to do when they felt isolated from us. That was all them.

    Our choices make us who we are. We all make mistakes, some are monster mistakes. But it’s not that we fall that matters so much ultimately, it’s how we choose to get back up again. Is he making the right choices for the relationship you want to grow old in? Are you making the right choices for the relationship he wants to grow old in?

    This is where I am right now, trying to decide.

    Am thinking of all of you and your struggles and sending love and healing.

    • So well said. It’s a difficult and very introspective process to heal from betrayal. It takes you places you never want to go, or visit again. It also makes you ask yourself questions like those you ask above. There are days I still ask myself if this is where I need to be. I keep answering “yes” but I cannot determine if asking myself that question is a good or bad thing.

  11. It’s been almost 3 years since my D-day. I discovered last week that my husband had googled his OW’s name. I was devastated…..After an affair if you intend to repair a relationship you don’t check in on the woman who participated in creating such awful pain into your life. I was a fool once……don’t want to be a fool again. Talk about secrets…..

  12. I’ve dealt badly with trickle down information for the last 2 1/2 years and I feel totally sick. What I’ve heard makes the history of my life with my husband completely different than I thought it was.

  13. Taking Back My Life, thank you for your words of wisdom and encouragement, it is so appreciated. You are right about the OW’s sense of entitlement and narcissism (imo). I have talked to women who have been hurt and my feelings that I go through (even wishing harm on them) are normal. That is what I am ashamed of as I am not the type of person who would wish anyone harm except her. I so love this blog and the support network here, thank you all xo.

    • GG: I don’t know about the wisdom part but I do have a lot of compassion. No shame girl. You’re still you only wiser. You are going to be OK. 🙂

  14. Thank you for your honesty here. I feel like, that at the 20 month mark post-affair, that I am finally coming to some sort of acceptance. Unfortunately my husband does not want to make things better, he is ok with how they were before. The normalcy there before. I’ve been to counseling alone and the more I try to work on me the more I tip the balance of our old normal and all he does is push back. So I’m accepting that I cannot change him. I am accepting that this is how our marriage will be. Right after I found out about his affair I found out I was pregnant (we were trying at the time). As child of divorce due to infidelity (talk about karma slapping you in the face) I am committed to raising my children in a home with both of their parents. My husband is a good father, a good provider. He cares for me but will never love me the way that I need. He will never be able to be the husband I need. Perhaps in the next 18 years as we finish raising our children together as a married couple (we have talked about this and are in agreement) we will figure out a way to love each other. In the meantime, my motto is the Serenity Prayer:

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    Courage to change the things I can,
    And wisdom to know the difference.

    • The serenity prayer is sometimes all I could say as I was going through the first year or two. I hope you continue talking to your husband. Raising children is stressful and can push a couple apart or bring them together. Keep going to therapy if you feel you need it. This journey is one of the most difficult I’ve taken.

  15. I have found this blog to be helpful to me. My D day was 3 months ago. I still feel raw. I feel crazy. We are trying to work on our marriage but I am having the hardest time healing. I am obsessed with the OW. Thinking of her and what they did together. Searching her on Instagram. Looking at her pictures. I wish I could find peace because it is really hard on me physically and emotionally. I feel empty. My husband is remorseful and is really showing me that he loves me and wants to stay and rebuild. I am sabatoging it by keeping her alive. When will it get better? We are in counseling. It helps and I trust my therapist but I don’t always do the things she wants me to do because the urges and thoughts are strong. I will continue to fight because we have been together 20 years since we were teenagers. Married for 13 years – two children. Life goes on but I am forever changed and having a hard time seeing that this will get better.

    • I understand what you are feeling. I was in a same spiral at one point – looking up Bat Shit on Pinterest, Facebook, Twitter. Until I realized it was not helping me – it was hurting me. I had to make a choice to stop that behavior because I didn’t want to feel the anger, pain, sadness, and feeling defenseless.
      Three months is still early. I was on a roller coaster at that period but it does get better. You need to give it time. Be honest with your husband and tell him how you feel. I would even tell my husband about looking up Bat Shit’s stuff because I felt like I could make him hate her with the information I was gleaning. Who knows. But the truth is – you have to take care of you. You need to fill this empty space you have with something that fulfills you. If you feel the pain – acknowledge it and change your thoughts. Your mind can only focus on one thing at a time – which is a magnificent thing I’ve learned in my healing process. Change your thoughts and it can change you. Find what you need and seek it.

    • Peacenow…
      I am 2 months in and feel completely the same as you. Our situation is similar because we have been together 21 years since we were teens. I love this man but its so hard to believe this is my reality. I have never felt such pain and like you, it’s hard to believe it gets better. I don’t want to punish him but it’s been so hard to move forward and not dwell on what HE did. I’m thankful the OW in my life has no social media though, because I would be stalking her too. My husband was more remorseful in the beginning but the daily arguments has pushed him away. He seems to be ready to quit because he can’t take the fighting. I keep digging for answers and it’s because I am living my life in fear that he hasn’t stopped. My paranoia was actually my reality. HUGS to you because I know how you feel.

  16. After reading all of the posts on this blog, it’s nice to not feel so completely alone in this devestation, which exactly what it feels like. I agree that we all have secrets to some degree, but I have lived most of my life trying to make sure I spoke up about my feelings, regardless about whether others like what I have to say or not. As I’ve progressed into my mid-thirties, I can still speak my truth but do so in a way that is compassionate of other people’s feelings. I grew up in a home where I was belittled and abused by my step-father who told me I was nothing and that my words meant nothing – so maybe that is why I’ve put so much importance on speaking my truth. Regardless, I seem to have married a man is the exact opposite; someone who cannot say no and who is smitten by anyone who breaths as long as they are flattering him or validating him in some way. Yet, my words seem to mean nothing. What he seemed to love about me in the beginning – my honesty and authentic nature – is now what he has held against me and told me was the cause of his unhappiness, After being married for 9 years, together for 14, and having 3 babies together – one who passed away, one who is 7 and one who is only 3 – he decided to have an intense physical and emotional affair in my home with my children asleep in their beds – anytime I would leave the house. I thought he was spending quality time with our kids – and some times I was only gone for 2 hours – but he brought her into OUR home to have sex. My Dday was only 2 months ago – so I’m beside myself with sadness, rage, confusion and mostly numbness as I keep myself busy from morning until midnight so I don’t have to think about how I was not enough. He was going to leave me for her, he claimed she was his soul mate and best friend and that she made him a better father to his kids….all while telling me he loved me with all of his heart as I begged him to go to counseling with me due to feeling like he was distant and I felt neglected. He would tell me it was all in my head and that I was the one who needed counseling – and then I found out about it all. I truly believe he would and planned to leave me for her, but she broke it off a month before I found out. He has begged for me to try to work it out with him and swears he will change – but when someone is SO good at keeping secrets from his wife who loves him and begs him to work on the marriage – how could I ever believe that he will not keep those secrets still? Even more – why should I allow him to tell me that he NOW wants to work on the marriage – because he was dumped by this thing?

    My question to all, because I haven’t seen it posted anywhere, is if anyone else’s husband was dumped by his lover/mistress/THING before you found out or even after – and if it’s possible to feel like ANYTHING other than plan B? I don’t know how I will ever feel anything but the one he came scurrying back to after being rejected by his new “soul mate.” Also, has anyone else experienced finding out that your husband slandered you to his affair-thing? I found emails where he told her horrible lies about me – that I was a drunk and drug-addict, that he hated me, that he did everything and I did nothing….it was like stepping into the twigh light zone! He had never told me about any problems he had in the relationship other than he thought I “stood up for myself too much”, yet he told this total random woman the most horrid things – total lies – and all of my most intimate secrets between he and I. Please don’t tell me I’m alone – and if I am – how do I ever escape the weight of these secrets, lies and betrayals? What feels so sick is that I still love him so much and cannot imagine being without him – even though he has treated me worse than anyone in my life – even my step-father. My family and friends now believe there is something wrong with me because I haven’t left him yet – and they want nothing to do with him, so I feel even more isolated than ever- and more judged than ever – ALL of this when I did nothing but remain loyal to my vows – to MY best friend and what I thought was my forever. How did my whole life disappear and become replaced by a nightmare in just one day?

    Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

    • It is one thing to have an affair, as bad as that is, but to tell the kind of lies he did is really rather horrifying.
      Most on here are trying reconciliation. For you I would suggest Chump Lady blog. Your husband sounds like he has some sort of personality disorder.

  17. K Dickenson, your words and questions really struck a cord with me. My husband had an emotional affair with a pathetic woman who baited him with trips, a roof over his head (in case he wanted to move out), promises to quit drinking (she is a bar fly) and discussed a future together. She charmed him with bragging about her career, money, exciting life style and her “athletic” interests. My husband only knew her for less than 3 months, she targeted him, baited him and was VERY aggressive. She’s been married a few times, no children. I suspect that she is a total narcissist, sex addict and alcoholic. I am 100% sure they did not have sex. However, to answer your questions: YES, my husband did slander me saying I was an alcoholic to her and that I was a lazy person. Later in counseling he admitted that was wrong and that I was none of those things. It was him painting a horrible picture of his wife to justify having a potential affair. Meanwhile, that is what he was dipping his foot into-an affair with an alcoholic/addict who values no one but herself and her money. I hope this helped you, stay strong xo.

  18. I haven’t read your blog for a while. I tried for two very long years to work on our marriage. Saw psychologists got joint counselling. But my husband refused to own his affair. “everything would be ok if I just got over it” apparently. Don’t get me wrong he wanted to he tried at times with gestures but never followed through with the hard work of looking at himself. So finally after two years and more arguments he moved out. I lot was explained when he finally moved out and told his mum she said to him “good on your son for getting some”. It explains a lot really if that was how he was raised. His mother is a difficult person and an awful parent. I see now the the foundations of his emotional insecurity and affair were laid down when he was 12 and family trauma was not dealt with. If only I could of understood it before. Its been 18 months on my own now. Does it still hurt. Yes incredibly. I tell people now I think half the problem is that all of us victims of affairs hide in corners like we have done something wrong. I think is some way that continues the idea that some people who have affairs have that its ok and doesn’t hurt anyone. I think we need to be honest let the world know its not our fault and that it hurts. Maybe then as a culture we will stop romanticising it that we see in some movies. I’m not sure if you have seen the movie “Bad Moms” where her husband has an affair and she just kicks him out without a backward glance and then gets on with her life and finds a guy for the best sex ever. My friends found this movie funny it made me so incredibly angry that they could trivialise such a painful event. I’ve realised I don’t need him. I’m not dating and as they say “finding myself”. My situation is complicated by having a teenage daughter who was diagnosed with cancer. So life as been stressful but now I choose to focus on her and me. I admire your strength to keep working on it its hard work. Good luck

    • I wish you the best. We have to choose what is best for ourselves and our children. It sounds like you found the answer you needed even if it might not have been what you initially wanted. I hope that as you find yourself you grow stronger, find a new love of yourself, and are able to love your daughter through her treatment. Take care.

  19. Secrets rule you through guilt and shame. Secrets eat at you like a slow poison.
    And I have lashed out with making my own secrets to establish some sense of power and defiance. Identity and distraction.
    They have helped and they have hindered but I find this trauma has been the worst in my crazy life and also the easiest to forgive myself when my behavior strays from my norm or ideal.
    I’m not sure what that means, but it is a thing.

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