4 Years

Sometimes I forget the date.

Most of the time I try not to remember when my D-day is but it’s difficult to separate myself completely. There will always be reminders or connections to my D-day. I’ve always had a unbelievable memory, so it’s unlikely I will ever truly forget.

After four years I don’t have the same emotional connection I once felt on this date. I did find myself emotional yesterday but it’s not the same feeling I once had. I no longer spend time wondering or wishing I could have done something differently that could have changed life’s course or my husband’s decisions. I accept the decisions that were made. I don’t agree with them but I can recognize that his choices are not within my control.

I no longer feel that knife in my heart, or lump in my throat, or sinking feeling in my stomach. I’m no longer physically impacted by the affair. Yes, I admitted  that I cried yesterday but I think that’s normal. I was also realizing how far we’ve come since September 22, 2014. I also remember that it was more than one day that I suffered. I had been suffering before my D-day without a clear understanding of why and I was devastated for a long time after my D-day.

Four years later there are still reminders that I am not completely healed.

I struggle with trust. There are times when my husband works early, or late, or maybe it’s just a normal day and doubt creeps into my mind. I find myself questioning him about his day every so often in a way that is not healthy for me or us. I try to let go of my doubts but I’ve found burying doubts can lead more to stockpiling my fears than a peaceful resolution. I want to trust again but it’s difficult not to doubt. It’s difficult not to wonder if I am a fool to believe a cheater can change and be faithful. Learning to trust again is my goal for year five.

There are times I still feel like something is missing. The strange thing is I don’t really feel broken anymore, but I feel like there is a piece of me missing that my husband can no longer complete or fill. With every day that passes I find that this hole is being filled, but not by him. Sometimes that scares me.

In four years, I’ve learned that I love my husband with a love that I cannot define. I spend days and nights with him and realize our lives are forever intertwined and I do not want to change a thing. Over the past four years I’ve witnessed my husband become more engaged with our children, our families, and our marriage. Sometimes I am afraid that I have become less engaged as a result of his affair. I often have to check myself to make sure I am not pushing myself away from the rest of the world. It would be so much easier to hide and block out the rest of the world. The challenge is to keep going and be an active participant.

lionkingI no longer feel so absorbed by the pain of my husband’s affair that I would characterize it as the worst thing that ever happened to me. I won’t say his affair is the best thing that happened to me but the pain is separate from me now. I can look back and remember the horror of the first week, month, and year, but it doesn’t suck me in now.

One difficult part of being at four years is that we no longer talk about the affair or how we are feeling. I know that I could bring it up if I needed to but I also know that I don’t want to open up that box. I don’t want to have to talk about all of this with my husband. I don’t want him to feel like I am punishing him. I know it’s not good to stay silent but I guess I am not ready to go back to the past. I know I need to learn from the past but I’m not always sure how to navigate this now.

Four years after the affair I feel like we have begun a new chapter in the story of our life. Maybe it’s even a new section – Part 3. Life goes on and we must continue on too.


55 thoughts on “4 Years

  1. Thanks for writing this. Your posts have been very comforting. I found them a month ago. Finally i didn’t feel crazy for having triggers. It scares me that you are still being haunted by the affair ghost at year 4. But it’s real. I feel like i wake up with the ghost of myself every morning who is sad and crying out of justice. She is so loud. Its been 5 months since D-day for me. I feel bad for wanting details about his whereabouts like you if i don’t ask its like spiritual heartburn that doesn’t go away. We have been seeing a few therapists and without them we would have not been able to get it together. I am going to have personal sessions to help me with trust and fear. I can’t tell what level is still appropriate i too am tired of opening the box.

  2. Thank you for your blog! I am almost three years from Dday, and it still haunts me not the way the first 1 1/2 years did! We chose to work on our 40+years of marriage and it is better now in so many ways, but there are times I wonder! I know I am so much stronger than I knew possible, I still get that sick feeling when I see a reminder and I want to really trust my husband but sometimes I question him and in my mind I think he might be lying to me. We live in CO with 1 million of people living in our area and I still catch sight of OW. My husband changed jobs and next year he will retire. Maybe will move or maybe will travel more that might help. I forgave him for his part, but, I can’t bring myself to forgive her. I can only hope someday it will all be behind us!

    • I related so much to your comments. I have been living with this for 16 months now and want the pain to stop! I cannot forgive the OW but neither can I forgive my husband for putting her before me. We have been married a long time and I am trying to find a way to move on somehow without dwelling on forgiveness. Good luck to anyone in this awful situation.

    • I so very much thank you for the information shared on this blog! It’s invaluable, in trying to understand what my wife is going through.

      I am the cheating husband, and wanted to know if there is any way to blog/communicate with your husband, since I’m sure I and others, can benefit from sharing about our Odyssey.

      Had I known the devastation this affair has caused, it would have been unthinkable to even allow myself to enter it!

      • Interesting you say this because my husband says the same thing. He somehow thought either it would pass by and I wouldn’t find out, or it wouldn’t phase me. He says he had no intentions of leaving me and never stopped loving me. This girl could have been anyone that was willing to boost his ego by showering him with affection. I feel like men and women think of affairs in totally different ways. He says he even was disgusted by her.

      • @ Jessica, my husband said something similar about the OW. He admitted to me that he thought she was not attractive at all, had cellulite and was not a good person?! This whole thing is just awful to deal with and attempt to heal/move forward sometimes. It is a journey, one day at a time and deep breaths.

      • Despite all that we have been through my husband still thinks people cheat on their spouse because the marriage isn’t happy. My question to him and every other cheating spouse is, what does a person think will be accomplished by cheating?

        I”m sorry to be disrespectful but I find it difficult to believe anyone could be blind to the devastation an affair can cause a marriage.

      • I don’t think your question is disrespectful. It sounds like you are trying to find an answer that you and your husband can agree upon. I honestly don’t think that a cheating spouse believes they are accomplishing much of anything beyond fulfilling their own selfish desires. Affairs are secrecy and are very much about the thrill of the ride. The sex may not be groundbreaking (as so many people here say) but the idea of sneaking around and someone fulfilling your desires is exciting. It’s like falling in love all over again, except perhaps you don’t fall in love but you get the thrill of a sexual affair.
        There are people that seek affairs as a means to leave a marriage but I think that happens less often than we think.
        While the fear of your spouse may ever finding out about your affair is real and part of the secrecy, no one expects to be caught. My husband left so many traces of his affair that I didn’t pick up on. Gifts from the AP, a cellphone bill with all the evidence I needed but I never paid attention, emails, she was apparently at his business all the time, and she changed jobs to work closer to him. Yet, I didn’t pay much attention at first because I thought our marriage was bulletproof. I think that 8 out of 10 times affairs happen because the individual cheating is going through a personal struggle and he/she is unhappy. That doesn’t mean they are unhappy with the marriage but more unhappy with something within themselves and it feels to vulnerable to share with their spouse. That’s my answer but I’m sure other readers will want to chime in too.
        I hope you are finding some common ground with your husband. Maybe reading this blog might help your husband? To read words that connect with him about your feelings.

      • In reply to thiswillnotdefineus’s reply:
        This is so clearly put that I am keeping it. Your summary seems so right.
        At five and a half years I am struggling hard to help my 20 year old. I have moved on from helping my husband’s guilt and my own hurt. The aftermath for my children is immeasurable.
        My husband is a very wrong, self centered individual.
        If I love him or not seems trivial in the light of my youngest’s agony. He has a recurring dream of lying, drowning, on the bottom of a swimming pool and hearing people on the side of the pool arguing above him.
        How can two adults visit this amount of heartbreak on an innocent family without feeling remorse……”marriage wasn’t happy” my foot. The affair was spite, release, adventure for a life he had created and got bored with and overwhelmed by. Grow a backbone and think of others. “Shape up or ship out” and other such old time wisdom that I wish his and my father where around to deliver with authority.

  3. Your words and heart resonatests with me. It will be two years for me, October 20,2014. I actually find myself having the same thoughts… And I don’t think I would have had the clarity to put it into words. When you speak of your husband being more engaged to the family and being a better father and husband since the infidelity. I heard your heart about maybe you hold back now. And you have to be careful. I find myself in the same way. Here I have the husband and father I wanted… But something in me has changed. I am more reserved. Sometimes I wonder if my commitment has shifted. Not changed but not as pure as I use to be. I have become like a piece of white paper…. Crumbled. And now that we are working towards healing and redemption…. The paper is smoothed out but there will crinkles and lines that cannot be removed.
    I have read your blog throughout the past years of this journey. Thank you for the music.
    Thank you for sharing
    Thank you for being real.
    I have appreciated you.
    May God bless you and your family.

    • I feel the exact same. It’s really tough. I’m definitely not an open book like I used to be. It’s horrible when the person you used to share every single thing with makes you put up walls and second guess things you say and do. It’s hard to imagine gaining that trust back after it’s tarnished.

  4. One year panic shock
    One year pain
    One year pain and confusion
    Thee years, six months :
    How could he do this.
    I am strong and independent now.
    I will no longer feel sorry for him in his difficult life of his own making.
    The lack of total understanding of him prohibits the pivotal dedication of that newlywed feeling; the only one person in the world for me free fall.
    He is insecure, secretive, devious.
    I don’t care if he is trustworthy or not.
    I am me.
    He can sort himself out.
    I don’t know how the future with him will unfold; he is determined and I wish him luck.
    I spent all my compassion in the last three years as well as during my marriage.
    I never thought he was a knight in shining armour, I thought he was a fabulous person I could love and enjoy all my days. He found a scheming fool that made him feel a hero. He didn’t mean to destroy his family. He did.
    I can’t wait to see what happens!
    Best wishes to all out there X

  5. I am 15 months post DDAY. I can’t tell you how much your blog has helped me. Your point about there being part of you which your husband cannot now fill resonates with me. I do feel more independent and I think this is a good thing. I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive him even though everything I read tells me this is the best thing for me. We go on together but will be forever changed and in my dark moments I hope I will wake up and it will have been a nightmare. I do know I need to stop hoping for a different past. Thank you for all your posts.

  6. I am 2+ years from D-day. 1 year from divorce. My husband cheated and said he found his “soul mate”. Only he didn’t tell me, I found out he was cheating. Then he changed his mind and decided that we should save our marriage. Then I discovered that he was still seeing/dating his “soul mate”. After several months of heartbreak and anger I filed for divorce. He received the papers on my 46th birthday. I never thought that we would divorce after being together 18 years. But I will say that I recognize some of the same circumstances that I read of those of you who stayed while I was in the throes of his cheating and thinking we should stay together. This blog got me through a lot and gave me hope. The only difference now, being divorced instead is, my life feels fuller and happier not being in the kind of relationship that most of you describe you have now. I feel free. I know in my whole heart I made the right decision.

  7. I soon understand about being less engaged. I find I hold myself back more often in conversation and relationships. I used to be more bold and outgoing and take charge- now I’m not. I’m happy with my husband and family and it’s enough for me, I guess. I have nothing to prove to anyone and I don’t want to try. I need to be good enough where I am at. I have found a ever growing belief that God alone is the only Faithful One the only one I can really trust to never leave me, and will always love me, no matter what, and I cling to that. My marriage is better in many ways (2 1/2 years) and I’m probably a better person …but I’m not the same person…not even close…thank u for your blog. It helps to know others understand.

      • Here’s an errant thought, Sparked by your cement !
        Perhaps what we have in common is being attractive and kind and the men we attract are dependant on that. Like a need for a drug that gets stronger…there is no satisfying it.

    • And that’s probably the best place to be! About 2 weeks after our D-day I heard the song Oceans (by Hillsong) for the first time and I couldn’t stop crying! I realised deeply that God was the only one I could ever trust and that He was with me even in that situation. Now, almost 2 years on, I’m not afraid. I know that no matter what, I’ll be strong in Him.

  8. I’m less engaged in every aspect of my life. I have to force myself to connect with my boys. I feign interest in many things because it makes Bug happy to see me try. I’m no longer the outgoing, fun person I once was.

    But the affair, that door is mostly closed.

  9. I try to remember that each day is a brand new day of marriage because I will never had what I had before. But I remain broken hearted even 5 years after d-day. I read, seek recovery from this pain, and look for a magic answer to get over this. It is a secret kept except for this blog, you are very much appreciated with the giving of yourselves to those of us who are in this thing called life “after”.

  10. Thank you for this blog. I felt like you read my mind. I am only at 18 months out but this is exactly how I feel. Pretty much word for word.

    I found the first year it all made sense what I was feeling. But since around 15 months I feel different. I really only find true happiness with my kids. Beyond that I lack the ability or desire to trust others. And really I feel like I need that to be connected with people. I honestly feel like I cannot fully trust anyone that I will just be let down and disappointed. And on some level I do not have that expectation with my kids. They are amazing and really what keeps me going. My husband has made dramatic changes and is happier than ever. Which is great but I just feel this big hole inside me. And I too feel how our lives are forever intertwined but I feel like there is a barrier between us and it is coming from me. My therapist says I need to move towards making myself more vulnerable but I am struggling with what that looks like.

    • I am two years fro DDay on 26th September and I feel just the same as you, Hopeful. There is a gaping hole inside of me. But I am trying to stay in the present moment and look at the strength I have gained and what the new ME looks like when I look to healing. There is no balancing the scales. There is only Acceptance.

  11. I too am 4 years from D-Day. I have days like today when I’m haunted by my mind’s recollection of the deception and lack of shame he showed. Most days I stop those thoughts by asking myself, “What is good about today?” None of it can be undone however it was the source of the person I am today. I’m thankful for your blog as it reminds me that I am not alone and my feelings are not unique to my situation.

    • “It was the source of the person I am today.”
      This is interesting. Maybe I should concentrate on that and try to be admirable in my own eyes. X

      • I got my first, and only, tattoo in the month after D-Day. One simple word “Courage”. Courage to go forward, courage to learn from the experience and courage to know I am stronger than I realize. At the time it was because I wanted the courage. Now it reminds me that I have the courage I didn’t think was in me.

  12. I am 2 years and 4 months from D-Day and I still hurt but at least I don’t think about it every day any more. My husband had an affair after 35 years of what I thought was a perfect marriage. He was my one and only. We had been together since high school. We have 3 grown up children and 4 grand children. We went to college together and have always had the same job so we’re together all the time. That’s why I trusted him completely. He brought that woman home so I could meet her. She visited several times over a 6 month period and cooked some meals for us, etc. I naively thought she was simply a friend my husband got to know when he was performing for some events she catered upstate. This would be easier if I and my children had never met her because there are so many triggers that cause me to have to think about her. I really appreciate your blog. It is the only place I found searching online where I found my feelings put into words so eloquently. You really have a way with dealing with all the hurt by looking for the positive in it all. I too am having trouble with completely trusting my husband again. I trust he will never have an affair again but I don’t trust that he would never lie to me like I used to believe. Thank you so much for keeping this blog going.

  13. sending you much love on your courageous journey.
    you have big love. love that goes beyond personal and emotional.
    the kind of love that is eternal and connects all of us.
    your blog is one little strand on the world wide web of love (and hope)

  14. So good to hear that you are moving on. It will be 5 years for me in November and we are on affair number two now (I started writing about it). I stopped writing two years ago because it triggered me and I felt it hindered my recovery. I am in a different space now and have a different perception of affairs. I may be jaded and bitter from all of this, but I am trying to find a way to release myself from the resentment still.

  15. You have taken the words out of my mouth. I am 2 years from my DDay and although “WE” are moving forward to the outside world in my inner world with him I am stuck. I too cannot trust and am less engaged within our relationship. Sometimes I wonder what my life would look like now if we had ended our marriage back then.My life continues to move forward and I cannot say that I am unhappy but I cannot say I am happy either. We have many good moments and he has changed in positive ways but I am reserved and do not share my true inner feelings because of the trust issue. I miss the safety and security I once felt that was taken from me and I hate the thought of how he could just abandon me and our marriage.

  16. Thank you…your blog was one that I found early in my journey (now 2 years, 2 months) and helped give me courage and direction.
    I am finding a path to healing…and for that, I am grateful. HUGS.

  17. Thank you always for your works and guidance, I just reached my one year D Day. I was talking with a colleague the other day who is having marital issues and she relayed to me that she is ready, with the help of her therapist to ask for a separation. She also quipped: “you know I wish he would just cheat on me b/c then I would be so done and it would be easy”. I froze and had a lump in my throat and thought about that for days. If she only knew how very difficult infidelity is. This has been the hardest thing I have ever been through.

    • Yes, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone! It felt more devastating than, when my mom died! Life goes on and you don’t give up with or without your spouse. I chose the latter. After 40+ years of marriage we had so much more to learn. Almost 3 years for me and it still haunts me.but we are determined to make this, now, the best years of our lives. I never knew how strong i was or how much courage I have to till my husband’s infidelity. He is a better person now and truly regrets it, I just wished I knew how to rid my thoughts of the OW.

  18. As always you feel the same things I think and feel. It’s great to know I am not alone in my thoughts and emotions. It’s also wonderful to see other women Sharing their experiences on the matter as well. We all have something in common.

  19. I appreciate this blog. My D-Day was over 2 years ago and I’m one year divorced. While I relate to those of you who stay and work on your marriage, I just wasn’t able to do so after 19 years. It was too much of a betrayal that left me heartbroken and feeling the lowest I have ever felt in my entire life. Now, I feel free and unburdened. My life is full and although I have pangs now and again, I am glad I don’t have them with him in the picture. I know I made the right choice to leave, for me.

  20. Thank you for sharing your feelings. My D Day was July 28, 2014. So we are over 2 years. We are doing pretty good in our marriage; but I still think about the betrayal and the pain, and I still cry sometimes and get angry at things that happened. What hurts even worse than the betrayal (with his opposite sex “best” friend!) are the times when he gets upset with me for “living in the past”. This morning we had good discussion about how to have conversations showing empathy (chapter 7 in “After the Affair” by Janis Spring). It is the first time that we talked without both of us getting very angry, hurt, etc. He doesn’t want to talk about the “past”; I have to! We love each other very much; and are committed to each other. Even though it is still hard to communicate, we are doing better. I have never had anyone to talk to or receive empathy from! No therapist. AND my husband wanted to keep the friendship without “benefits”. Oh, and by the way, my D Day was 11 days before our 51st wedding anniversary. We’re looking for a good “year three”. They say 3 to 5 years is to be expected, but you never really get over it! It does make you stronger, but I’m still not where I want to be. Hang in there, because time does help a lot (not sure if it heals, but just gets you further away from the pain!)

  21. Thank you for this blog and the comments. It is good to know I am not alone and not crazy for wanting to rebuilt my marriage of 17 years.
    My D day was 6 weeks ago, so my wounds are still very raw. The affair was 3 months and discovered by me, as I was searching through his ipad to make sense of the gulf that had appeared between us.
    I am glad I found this blog. Thank you for sharing your journey. You are clearly helping many of us make sense of our own experience.

  22. Thank you for this blog. My d-day is exactly the same as yours but a year later. Unfortunately, my husband chose to give me a little bit of truth. Through the next three years I’ve found out more, none of it from him. I’ve become the type of wife that snoops – I never, EVER though I’d do that. That’s not who I ever was. The OW – a woman I’d talked to and been kind to, a woman whose secrets I kept – finally told her husband this August. She chose to be brutally honest (at least as honest as she can be; I know this was all through the filter of herself being a victim and the blame falling on her husband and my husband). Her husband ended up informing me that my husband and his wife had told each other they loved each other; that they kept seeing each other long after the initial d-day (they worked together), and that contact occurred as late as one year ago. The post-confession contact wasn’t sexual, but they did tell each other they loved each other at least once. They wanted to have their cake and eat it to. And this latest revelation just may have destroyed my marriage. I thought things were awful, but I thought we were together on this path of rebuilding. We’re in counseling, we’ve gone through so much…he’s often accused me of prolonging the pain by my actions, when in reality he didn’t want to do the real work. I’m so, so lonely. I also find comfort in my children’s love and at the moment we’re just focusing on family life and being the best parents we can. My counselor assures me that I don’t have to make any hurried decision, it’s all up to me. But I so resent being put in this position. How could he? I read so much pain in this blog and the comments, and how could anybody do that to us? Most especially those they vowed to love and honor? I will never, ever trust again. It’s just gone.

    • I’m struggling with weather I should have left after d-day and the only things that keep me in my marriage are my husbands completely understable (although, not justifiable) reasons for the affair and how he cut all contact immediately, and now tries so so hard and still hates himself. If it was not for that, then I would be gone. Reading your post, I think you need to really consider what the right decision is for you and your happiness. Staying for your children is not enough. They Swansea everything too. What if after they leave home, he leaves? I am sending hugs your way. I know how difficult it is.

  23. I am 6 weeks out, 39 years of marriage , 6 amazing kids and 7 adorable grands…. I’m still so sad but we are working, by Gids grace to repair our marriage. I am beyond grateful to have found this blog! Another one one of Gods blessings in this storm! My heart aches , I feel alone, but I know I do forgive him. Thank you all for sharing…

  24. I just passed the one year mark. I made the choice to stay and fight for my marriage. Ours is a familiar story – family “friend” that he got too close to emotionally, a real but also imagined (to justify it in his mind) marital stress, after 22 years of marriage plus 9 years dating. We took a trip that I planned three weeks before D-Day just the two of us for our anniversary. I thought we could reconnect. Now it makes me feel like a fool because he was involved with her then. I will not plan any trips just for us; thinking about the 31 years we had before D-Day seems like one huge lie.
    I hate how it’s changed me. I don’t trust people anymore. I don’t want to make new friends nor spend time with old ones. Although I’m so much better than even three months ago, in ways it seems worse because I’m just numb, flat, nothing. I know this is that plain people describe and that it will not last. And right now, I need it — to just be introspective and continue to heal.
    I’m so thankful to have found this blog. No one except us three know about it. We don’t see the family anymore – I often wonder what her husband thinks the reason is. My husband ran into her for the first time last week in the grocery. He called and told me immediately. I’ve not run inti the Whore as of yet.
    Didn’t mean to ramble. I have no outlets for this. I will be reading here faithfully. It’s already been healing fir me.
    One question I have is how the people handle milestone anniversaries? We will hit 25 years and 2018. I know that’s a long way away, but truthfully I don’t feel I will ever want to celebrate. For me, it feels like celebrating something that was a complete lie. How have others handled this?

    • If you don’t feel like it, DON’T do it. The reason to celebrate is make you happy, not someone else. Be strong, stand up for yourself, and take charge. You won’t regret it.

      • I know you’re right. To complicate matters, no one knows about it and my in laws are HUGE about celebrations for birthdays, anniversaries, etc. So, I have no idea how to refuse a party for what they believe to be a milestone anniversary of 25 years. Maybe I will feel differently by the time it gets here. I’ve learned to suck it up, smile outside while crying inside. As I type this, I’m at my brother in laws house for Thanksgiving, which is the location of their first inappropriate encounter. I even know the hallway where it happened. For a while I made excuses and didn’t attend anything at his house. As time has passed, I’ve grown stronger and am not triggered by being here. Thankfully, the other stuff happened at her house.
        My wayward husband is open to my talking about things, but I know he doesn’t want to. He wants closure and wants to move past it. I think we’ve done remarkably well without formal counseling so far. He acknowledges my feelings and knows that it will never truly go away.
        I find myself very “reserved” most of the time. I can’t be 100% open and transparent anymore. I would never lie to him, but I can’t open myself up to vulnerability of expressing all of my feelings yet. In many ways, I don’t feel he deserves to have the deep parts of me anymore. He forfeited that when he decided to betray me and crap on our marriage vows.
        We were also the “ideal” couple – high school sweethearts, had a “vanilla” life in the midst of multiple family dramas around us. Then one day it all changed. He wouldn’t have told me had I not found it myself. I should’ve never found out – it was a strange series of decisions I made that I found the emails. I was at work, at the end of my lunch break. I went outside and called him on my cell, yelling at him “who is ‘puresweetness82’?” Although I already knew. I have pages of journaling about how I thought he was too close and in danger of an emotional affair. I even warned him. He brushed me off. I asked what has changed between us and he laughed at me and said nothing had. After I called he admitted it all.
        This is not the life I envisioned. I often ask myself how this could be my life!

      • I can easily relate. Our stories are very similar.
        It wasn’t till long later that I became strong enough to stand up for myself. We had separated shortly after the DDay, and I was ostracized by all my inlaws and was thought to be a controlling, unyielding spouse who deserved being left out. That went on for a long time, until one day I said, “Either tell them what happened or I’ll never go around them, or talk to them again.” They had treated me like dirt.
        I finally took charge of MY life, and have no regrets about being a strong person. I have a right to be happy and unashamed for things I didn’t do. I have found that it changed my life completely. I am better.
        I don’t expect anyone to make me happy, other than myself. (Well….except for grandkids) 🙂

  25. RatherBeMe,
    I love what you said at the end of your comment. That’s the biggest takeaway I’ve had from this nightmare: don’t depend on anyone else for my happiness and fulfillment. I only rely on God, or at least I try to. I’m still working on me. I’m still convincing myself that I am worth working on. I am embarking on a health journey now. I’ve neglected myself for too long and have really punished myself this past year. It’s my time now. Whether I ultimately stay or leave, I owe it to myself to put myself first.

  26. Thank you, everyone, for your comments. My D-Day was two months ago. My husband wants to move on too quickly for my liking. It’s almost like he thinks I should be ‘over it’ by now. Reading all these posts is really helping me feel like I have had a very normal reaction, and I am not alone. As much as I am putting on a brave face, inside I am still sad, angry and questioning, and it makes me resort to being distant and silent rather than say the wrong thing and go over old ground.

    • Have been thinking hard, as I have been for four years, and now, beyond the shock and panic, I see this man is not the one I assumed him to be. Not a case of my being unforgiving, but of finally re evaluating him as a married partner. I feel he renaged on that and I am not enthusiastic about continuing on being the faithful strong one in the equation. In the healing years I spent all my energy helping him get over his guilt. It’s still so all about him; his grief and guilt, not my family’s or me. He seems not to understand the meaning of being together. And very quick to think anything I want him to do to make me feel better; unnecessary to his recovery. His….
      such as fireing the affair person’s company off one of his jobs, which has only just completed after four and a half long years after I found out about their 9 year “sex” arrangement;
      So in the end, I have learned a lot about him.
      In short, some people don’t make good close friend type husbands but look the part if they put bread on the table. And it has nothing to do with you.
      My husband was cold and distant to all of us, including the affair person.

  27. Ladies, my friend gave me the best advice and I got a tiny little bit of my groove back because of it! If your husband’s are truly wanting and willing to work on repairing this horrible act they pulled on you, prepare and have them sign a post-nup. I added a clause about owing extra if he commits adultry again. It give me a little bit of peace mainly because it leads me to believe my husband is serious about repairing our marriage!

  28. AP – of Dallas/Denton/Irington/Arlington TX – your actual initials and your actual Affair Partner – if you are reading this- his OW/AP – I hope you feel 1/2 miserable as I do – no, wait – I hope you feel double the misery and sadness I feel. I truly hope that even looking at yourself – your devious face in the mirror each morning and at your outdated, devious, luring photos/texts/sexting you send out to married men makes you sick to your stomach and miserable w/yourself daily. At least I have my self-respect and dignity after what you did to our marriage and have the respect of my kids. Not so much my husband thanks to his behavior and yours w/him. I’m 9 months into DDay and it will be a year July 2010. “Thanks” for ruining my life as I knew it and making my kids lives fall apart. My husband had affair with you before, during and after our young adult daughter was diagnosed with cancer! Yes. And we have young teenage child on autism spectrum -yes. Now their lives are filled with an angst and uncertainty they never knew. Did you walk away when you found out about our son w/AS-no. Did you walk away when you found out about our daughter’s cancer – no. Did you believe I was the monster he told you I was? Probably. But he probably also left out all the love, support, encouragement and devotion I’ve given him over almost 30 years. I have to you are the lowest of the low and my husband fell for you like a school boy – not the 60 something he was – he fell hook, line and sinker – to you – a total scam artist from Dallas, TX area. And you work as an educator! Horrifying. So you are violating the morality contract you signed as educator and could lose your job. So go wait for the other shoe to drop AP because it will because as they say, “Karma is a bitch” and yours is coming cause you made it yourself. It seems to me that the most content women who commented here are those who divorced their husbands as they on longer have the affair hanging over the heads. I am working hard on myself, my marriage and trying my best but their comments give me hope that if things end even four, five, 10 years from now – I can be happy with a new life. And w/o a life of his betrayal hanging over my head and our future and marriage. But no matter what AP – you two are finished. Because you should know that almost 75-80 % of relationships that start from affairs fail too – why?? Because you are w/a cheater -yourself and your affair partner knows they are w/a cheater too. Who wants that? Who wants used, cheating goods? No one. This should cover the basics. You acted like a whore and got your own karma- he treated you like one. No Peace to you – EVER. MER

  29. I have just read this post and it could have been written by me. I’ve been trying to describe how I feel, to myself, and you did it for me. My d-day is pretty much the same as the authors and something in me is missing, which is not going to be filled by my husband. I guess there is a pattern to all this. The thing is that it seems really unfair that I have to feel like this as a result of not my actions. If it were not for my husband and how I still see him struggling with what lead to and resulted from the affair, I am not sure I could hang on. Seeing how it was a genuine cry for help from him just about makes is bearable, understandable. I hope that in the next four years I will feel more like myself. Although, sometimes it feels like settling for a half life.

  30. Thank you so much for writing this. We are coming up on 4 years out and I am feeling just what you did. I question myself for feeling this. Too little is known about how we heal from this. You helped me feel normal. Thank you for your candor!

  31. Your post made me realize that I the love, trust, and feeling ‘us against the world’ will ever return. Going from best friend, love of my life, soulmate, someone I couldn’t surviving without …30 yrs post (barely admitted) almost 40 yrs married. But Pre- whe he wanted to get a motorcycle – “Never. You’ll get killed” Post – “Raise the accidental death on your life insurance policy so the kids and I will be okay if you get killed”. His diabetes – Pre – I cooked low fat, fought over every glass of alcohol” Post – He orders his third Scotch. “You’re not supposed to drink that” Him: “I’ll stop after this” Me: “Do what you want. It’s your life”. And – he’s had a dry cough for a yr. I’ve told him to get it looked at. Lung cancer in his family. He refuses tho cough is more persistant. I have come even considered telling the kids or his brothers about it to force him to get it checked but have done nothing yet except suggest doc few more times.
    I read posts like yours and introspection makes me realize he killed that feeling I had once of always knowing he ‘had your back’.
    Now I know that all of life’s battles must be fought alone.

  32. It will be 4 years this August 28th that I discovered my husband’s affair. Life is pretty good. He had emergency open heart surgery in December, is doing well. During this time, I have been super busy, handling stuff while he gets strong. There is even a support group for people who have had heart “events”. We intend to go.

    This brings up some deep hurt and pain for me, as I had no one that was there for me after my husband’s affair! Some nights I still go all through this and cry. I guess heart surgery is more devastating than going through an affair. I still have no one I can talk to. Our pastor, people from the church, neighbors, friends, and our grown kids and grandkids, plus my sisters have repeatedly asked about and prayed for my husband, many brought meals, to show their caring concern. I am really thankful that my husband had this kind of empathy shown to him during this very difficult time for him, in addition to the qualified and caring doctors and nurses at his neck and call for the 14 days he was in the hospital. Again-I am happy for him. And then I think about the last 4 years, when I had nothing, and many times he thought that I should be “over” it by now. It’s true, we’re in a small town, and not anyone around that we would have confidence in to get professional help. But he was not helpful even in finding book’s–i did all that. Hee just wanted to move forward and forget the past. He said to me a few days after-“even God forgives and forgets”. The only way I’ve made it is because I know he truly loves me-he tells me all the time, and I’ve been a better wife, showing more love and caring.

    So it’s too late to go back and do things the right way, so I keep praying that God will eventually heal my heart. We both feel we have a wonderful marriage now, and that makes us both very happy!

    Hope this helps someone to get through this awful thing that happened to you. I’m so sorry… But you will make it! Please just be adamant about getting help, and be patient– time doesn’t necessarily heal, but it does help!

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