The Shadow of Pain

When I was a teenager I babysat for this family. They were perfect. The husband was charming and handsome. He reminded me of one of my old Ken dolls. The wife had the right combination of sweet and assertive characteristics. They had three children that they often dressed alike, which may seem alarming but it was cute in the 80s. I became their regular Saturday night babysitter and sometimes even slept over when they were at social events until late in the night. I admired both the husband and wife because they appeared to have the life I might want someday. They looked after me and I always knew that I could come to them if I ever had a problem or question about life.

The husband passed away from cancer last month. The services were this week and it was hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that he was gone. It’s hard to imagine her without him.

As his wife and I hugged in the funeral home, she told me that it didn’t feel real. She told me she hasn’t been able to eat. Being alone is difficult. She doesn’t want to drive alone because the emotions come flooding in all at once. I understood those feelings and fears. I understand that food just seems so unnecessary when your heart is breaking and your dreams are disappearing. Death of a human is different, but maybe it’s that death of a marriage doesn’t always have to mean the passing away of one spouse. Marriages die every day.

I stood watching the video montage of his life. I stared at the pictures of their life and I wondered if life was as perfect as it had always appeared. I wondered if their marriage was as idealistic. The pictures sure made it look like it was just as wonderful as I believed it was as a young girl.

I’ve always loved video montages. I was a soap opera fan for twenty years and soap operas make the best video montages. Before my wedding day I would play a video in my mind of all the moments that defined our relationship. In true soap opera-style, ours included a few “tragic” moments too but it always ended with the most romantic kiss and always a perfect ending.

The night of my friend’s wake, I wondered what my life’s video montage would look like and if anyone would ever know or see that sadness that has cast a shadow over the last five years. I hate saying that. My husband’s affair still feels like a darkness that fell over our lives. I still have days I struggle to reconcile his actions. They are fewer and further between but I hate that I can’t just put everything in the past. I’m hurt and I’m struggling to let go of the fear. I look at the pictures and moments that make up my life and I wonder how many smiles were genuine, and how many were artificial. How many moments are legitimately true? No lies, no faking it, no dishonesty. In the end, I believe there is so much more happiness than sadness. It’s when the shadow feels heaviest that I need to push it aside and remember to feel and love again.

handmaids tale quote

Marriage always seemed so simple. Once upon a time, I didn’t understand people that said that marriage was complicated or hard work. I thought that meant their marriages were doomed or perhaps they settled for an imperfect mate. I believed my marriage was simple. And in so many ways it is picture perfect. We have a pictured lined hallway that showcases some of my favorite memories from our life. The details from the past eventually become foggy, and all those pictures become the memories I’ve engraved in my mind. I keep hoping with time that the emotions recede and my memory will be filled with the moments captured in the pictures lining my hallway.

I don’t know if all my ramblings tonight make sense. I’m sitting in an airport alone watching busy travelers on their own journeys. These moments will likely not be remembered in the video montage about my life, but they are real. They may not define my life, but they have changed me.

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48 thoughts on “The Shadow of Pain

  1. Your reflection of 5 years and moving on hit quite close to home.
    I myself am recovering with my spouse and his infidelity with a beautiful girl 20 years my junior. It has been almost 5 years as well. My husband and I are both fit, attractive, successful, and live a very fortunate, exciting life that many would admire and hope for in many ways, but it has a sadness lingering over it now that never seems to leave. My husband has done EVERYTHING to recapture and recommit, but though I appreciate it all, a sadness never leaves me. Of course I don’t let it come to the surface, but it’s in my heart….sadly. Sometimes not really sure if I still love “the man”, or just “the image” of our love.
    Your thoughts on the “montage” are very much in my own consciousness. Your 6th paragraph feel like my own deepest thoughts.
    What would my montage look like? Do others see my sadness now, even though my spouse and I present ourselves as whole and are truly trying to live in a recovering and loving manner.
    The fact that my life is broken still has not been something I can accept.
    I unfortunately live in a small community and feel very exposed, since many/most know what has happened.

    • Your words touch me because I can hear myself in them. I feel the same sadness lingering and I just want to be able to push it out the door. I want happiness. I want to trust. I want to be able to love without fear.

      • I have been following your blog since my D Day, Aug. 1, 2016. I was married for 22 years to this man, before he had an affair for a year with a business associate. She texted me all the details of the affair after she became too invested to share him. He chose our family. I’m still in a lot of pain and want to run away. My husband is a great rebuilder and says he is sorry everyday. When I see the pain you are in after 5 years, it makes me want to leave this marriage and start a new life. My kids are 20, 18 and 15. They would be fine with a reorganization of the family. No one knows about his affair except my close friends who I confide in. My question to you and to others who follow your blog is this: Why didn’t you leave? Was it easier to stay? Was your love so strong you couldn’t walk away? I have been trying to rebuild our new marriage but I am really questioning why I am going through this? I have a great job and could support myself well. I don’t need him. I look at him and see her on his arm. I see a weak, selfish person who gave in to temptation. Maybe our good memories are so few, they can not over come this one HUGE bad memory? I need your insight, what makes a marriage worth saving? I do share the beleif that our marriage ended when he cheated and we are now rebuilding a new marriage, but why do I want to rebuild a new marriage why a cheater? HELP, I need you advice.

      • I have found it easier to let go by trusting myself rather than trusting my husband… I trust myself that if anything, even slightly like the heartbreaking humiliating calamity I was put through, happens again I will leave the marriage. Knowing and believing this has allowed me to gain back my self respect, self confidence and empowered me. I can now relax knowing I have this in place… I can now allow myself to love my husband just as a man who did stupid things and deeply regrets them. Every time the vitriolic pointless self sabotaging anger rears its ugly head I just remember the power of this. He has no idea I have this intention in place however the the kind loving intention is that I never need to put it into action ❤️

      • My husband behaved very similarly, having an affair after 20 years of marriage and 3 kids. His affair lasted around a year and the B texted me about it Aug. 10, 2016. We are currently living together and in counseling and he is doing everything he can to fix this, as am I. When I read posts like this, I think I would rather leave him. I can’t imagine carrying around this pain 5 years or for the rest of my life. Help me understand why you stay and if your glad you made that choice? Do you still question if it was the right thing to do? I am still trying to decide, should I stay or should I go?

    • So sad and so similar, however, the individual my husband had an affair with was (is) not beautiful. She was (is) ugly on the outside and the inside. The only talent presented was that of a gold digger going after naive targets. It is pathetic really. This person has done this more often and has not stopped. How could an accomplished and smart person fall into the trap of a perpetrator like that? As you write, we too are fit and healthy, successful and if I may say attractive. But he did, he fell into the trap and betrayed me and his kids. He takes full responsibility and is doing the work. He wants us to heal. He is ashamed and he should be, but by now he’s better put that energy where he should have placed it in the first place.
      The pain is still present, after nearly 5 years. It is still hurts. Couples never fully heal. The montage of our lives will never be made as I hate to fake my happiness. That woman who once was is gone. Betrayal does that.
      Only those who have experienced this understand it. It has nothing to do with all the b.s. on the internet about the falsely held beliefs about “everlasting love”. I never had these unrealistic expectations. “love at first sight” and all that nonsense is for those who do not know what real love is about. it is about sacrifices and giving. Our love was deep and real. He however, took us for granted and imagined himself “in love/lust” with a person, he now knows is a deceiving poisonous snake. The damage is done. We can only try to keep on going the best we can, but we carry with us this heavy burden of grief.
      Another E…

  2. Thank you for being you. You have been my saving grace since D day. We have so many similarities, both physically and how you are feeling emotionally.
    There are days when I can’t wrap my head around things – even a year later – and I’m crying alone in my room; where I wish I somehow knew you. Just so you can make me feel not alone. That it’s normal and that I will be ok.
    Thank you for being my crutch when I couldn’t move.

    • Thank you for writing, reading, commenting. This journey is very lonely and so personal. There are days that I wish I had friends to share this with and days that I want to hide under a rock. This story is part of my life and sometimes it is hard to keep it so close. I only have one friend that knows and sometimes I wonder if I’ve burdened that person with this pain and other times I am reminded that I found the right person to share my story.

  3. I’m wondering if you’re saying that your marriage as you knew it is dead and that you now accept that and are moving on, with your husband, in a ” new” marriage but are still mourning the “old” marriage?
    I have tried to do this but am still too wrapped up in the hurt and sadness and still grieve too much for the “old” marriage. I wish it were not so. We are forever changed I guess and accepting that is yet another very difficult facet of all of this. Kate

    • My “old” marriage is definitely changed and there are parts that do feel as though they have passed. There is a grieving process that you go through post-affair discovery because there is something that is forever lost. My therapist told me that on Day 1. She said that I needed to accept that the marriage we had was over and now we begin building a new definition of marriage. It’s hard. It hurts and it’s not easy. There were times I wanted to just run away but my kids kept me grounded. It’s also hard recognize that you still love your spouse in spite of the pain he/she has caused. I used to have to remind myself that was in the past and it was his actions that hurt me. It feels like a circle that is hard to break of pain, forgiveness, love, and acceptance.

      • I love it when you said that ” my kids keep me grounded” beacuse if I don’t have 3, there is nothing I will be staying for.

  4. I completely understand. Next month will be 4 years to the day when I found out. I will never be the same and we will never be the same. I still think about it way too much. It’s not far and few between for me, maybe less painful now. I feel like I was let completely down by the person that I never believed would do that to me, to us. He was betrayed by his ex and so was I. We discussed prior to marriage that we could overcome everything in our marriage, except infidelity. He says that is why it took so long to tell me, because of those words. Now, here we are about to celebrate 17 years of marriage. Every couple has struggled if they are together for a long period of time. I just know it.

  5. Yes, your ramblings make sense. Reflecting on your friend’s death, the loss his wife feels – maybe you’re wondering if you’ll ever feel that way without a little twinge somewhere. We’ve lost that illusion of purity, of having a real, true, honest love. Or at least a spouse that has enough character and morals to never think of betraying us. And since this whole process is so secret, we always wonder if someone we know is suffering in silence, if there’s more they’ll never tell. Or if their marriage had been shattered as ours was, were they able to pick up the pieces and fill the cracks with gold to create something different and even more beautiful? Is that possible?

    I hear you. I’m right there with you. Sometimes I feel my husband and I have created a new marriage and I have so much to be grateful for in life. Sometimes I feel so deeply wounded and wonder if I will ever be able to trust him, if I’ll ever forgive so fully that I’ll never have conflicted feelings about him my marriage. And sometimes I’m just tired that I have to carry this burden.

    I appreciate this blog. Thank you.

    • Thank you for listening and reading. It’s comforting to know that you (and so many more) understand the complexity of how it feels to discover a spouse’s affair. Like you wrote, somedays are filled with joy that we’ve rediscovered our marriage and other days are more difficult and I struggle with those lows still. Everything we go through we’ve been told is wrong but what if this is just life? And, like life, marriage is both filled with wonder and sorrow.

  6. Hey Hun
    I know how it goes how it feels… im 2 years down … there are still stormy days… some days its like a knot in ur heart that tightens holds ur breath and leaves u struggling… but every day has a sunset… and a new sunrise… 💚💙💖

  7. I have dark days still but am hopeful for the future. I never really understood when I’d hear from other people that marriage is hard work. Now this resonates so much! It’s a little comforting to know that no marriage is perfect, is that weird to say? I guess it’s up to us to deal with the struggle, carry the burden and keep moving forward. It’s hard to not look back even though I know forward is healthier. Thank you for this.

  8. I always think about the saying that you never know what happens behind closed doors. What may seem like a perfect marriage can just be a facade. A Facebook post. A photo touch up.
    I understand what you mean about looking back at our life. Those happy smiles. Memories. What was real? I found some old videos on my Mac that I did not know were there via the cloud. A video that I took of the land we bought and my husband walking and talking about building our dream home. It was taken smack in the middle of his affair. It really upset me. 2 years later I still am astounded at how well he portrayed living a normal life with me. Had there been no affair I would have treasured that video. Now it makes me sick.
    Like you it’s better but I have to keep my guard up. It’s a fine line between keeping it together and letting the memories take over.
    I am sorry for the loss of your friend and the grief his wife is experiencing. Grief in the loss of loved ones is the price we pay for loving them so well.

  9. 5 years, 1 mo & 18 days ago was my d day – it is still hard at times – going past Best Western motels – the brand of choice for them etc etc. There arent any reasons i suspect any other affairs or relapse. But the reality is it is ever present in the shadows. Sometimes the light pushes the shadows out and still times when the shadow of darkness swallows the light. Maybe someday ….. and het people who know us think we have such a wonderful life without a hint of the turbulance that lays within my heart still. He tries hard to do the right things but the damage to me certainly changed who i am as compared to who i was

    • I am a year out and i get what you are saying about the hotels. The ow name was mercedes. Everytime i hear a mercedes commercial, see a mercedes, hear it on the radio or whatever it is it makes me sick. Im not sad anymore im angry. They still kind of work together and communicate. Im not sure im ever going to get over it.

  10. I am sorry for your sadness, but I needed this tonight. My husband’s affair ended 8 months ago, but I still struggle daily with the pain. We were so close, soulmates, you know, but now there is a breach that I just don’t know how to repair. I feel the worst kind of mixed emotions, and I can’t reconcile anything in my mind. How can you go to the one person who used to comfort you for comfort now, when they are the source of your agony? And they can’t understand why you aren’t comforted? I can’t make any sense of it, though I’m trying.

    • I shared my agony with my husband. I told him that I was not going to hide my pain because he caused it. My advice is to be honest, be raw, respect yourself. You are right that is difficult to find comfort in these moments. The first 9 months were the worst days of my life. It gets better. There will be a day soon for you that you feel better, and then slowly each day will get better. While there are times I felt comfort from my husband, comfort came from within me but that meant it wasn’t always a constant.

    • Mary, and others, please comment on this. I was/am married for 22 years with 3 great kids when I found out about my husband’s year long affair with a business colleague. I knew things were bad and we were in marriage counseling, but I didn’t think he would betray me that way. My D Day was August 10, 2016. I agree with you all about the pain. It is better now, but I think about it hourly. I want to hear your comments on why do you stay. I am considering asking for a divorce. I think I would be better with out him. I will always love him, he is the father of my children, but I don’t want to live with him anymore. Will this feeling pass? Please tell me how you decided to stick it out.

  11. yes it makes perfect sense. It is 3 years this friday since my husband told me he was leaving me. We are still together and are happy but i still have days where i think about what he did and it still hurts. I also used to think our marriage was perfect and my friends would winge about their husbands and I would think how lucky I was to have such an amazing husband, then he had an affair and all that went. I now feel like I cant praise him as everyone will laugh because hes done the worst thing possible. We bought our house whilst he was having his affair and when i think back it was such a lovely time which is now tainted with hate and upset. There are lots of memories that are tainted now and i think was that real or was he acting but i have to look forward. Its hard ! I once said to a friend during the time my self and my husband were separated that it would have been easier if he had died as that wouldn’t have been his choice to leave us. xx

    • I have said that exact same thing. Death would have been easier. That is how crushing betrayal is. You can read about it and empathize with those who have gone through it but until it happens to you ….

    • I also say this a lot about a death being easier. I also wish I was on my own death bed most days. I just want to escape from this horror. It eats at you and life is becoming just something to get through. It’s the betrayal from that one person you trusted the most- your best friend, child’s father, lover, person you shared your most intimate self with. That’s what is devastating to think POOF! It’s gone just like that. It will never quite be the same. My husband is really trying to mend us. He is extremely remorseful and sickened by his affair. Everything about it nauseates him. He can’t stand her. Now?! Why?! It’s so bizarre. He’s a dream husband: romantic, loving, doting, etc – except you know, that one thing that tarnishes marriage more than anything else- he cheated. It just sucks! I know if he could go back and do it over he would never do it again. Most men feel this way so why? Why?! Ugh

  12. Ohhhh Michelle I am right there with you. I would comfort people whom I thought had crappie husbands but when the chickens came hatching in my own farm I was devastated. I look at our pics on the walls and snicker at how naive I was .

  13. I have thought the same things! My husband’s affair was 3 1/2 years ago and the pain is still there but I keep moving forward. We also purchased a home, supposedly, before the start of the cheating. Now I wonder if his motivation to move so I would be within a couple miles of our kids and grandkids then I would be extra busy with them while he was doing other things. I hate the house. Also, I found out she was in here. We have changed a lot of things in the house and worked really hard on our marriage and most days are really good,but then, I thought they were really good before. We are on our way of celebrating 45 years of togetherness. I often have said no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. You only can assume!
    We also change our thoughts on funerals. Our wishes are to be cremated with a memorial service with immediate family only.
    I am sorry for your loss of a friend. Everyone grieves differently and I hope you find the peace you need

  14. Trying to reconcile the life I thought I was living with the life that was really going on has been an enormous part of the journey for me. It became important for me to understand…to be able to look at a place in the time of our us and know if there was more than us… Mostly, now, 3 years in and after hard work, these thoughts don’t haunt me as much. i hope this for you too.

  15. Same for me….almost 1,5 years since DDay. I had no clue he had an affair for a few years as our life was great. Lots of travelling, fun, parties , great social life, best friends. Together for over 30 years….when I look at pictures or hear about events of that time my stomach turns, get nauseous, sad or mad. The first year was hard, very hard. Now we seem to get back to some ‘normal’ again but there isn’t a day I won’t think about it or feel pain. Trust is gone and I hate of who I have become.

  16. Reblogged this on takingbackmylife and commented:
    I understand. With all my heart…this post was the most real and unedited…it gave way to so much truth because I felt that connection down to my core, not on a surface-level where I can agree that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, or that each day is a new beginning….no, this was raw and in the moment. It seems to me that, without any intention of doing so, I live my life mainly by trying to sugar-coat those raw “in the moment” truths, because they are just too hard. THe truth is – this shadow is only getting bigger each day, as I become better at pretending that I can ignore it or be strong enough to fight through it by only focusing on the positive. Yes, I’ve grieved, I’ve allowed myself to feel sadness, but this is different – it’s a death – a total loss of something that once filled me….maybe it’s hope or belief in something that was never able to be real….maybe it’s the death of my innosence….they always say that you lose that once you give away virginity, but I don’t think so – maybe it is for some, but for me – I somehow kept that hope, belief…that inosense that made me feel that it IS possible to find someone who you can feel safe with and TRUST with all that is raw inside of you.

    I have lost that…and it’s so gray now….and as time passes since the affair, it seems that others expect me to be better – so I put on my show, for both them and for me. But everything is so grey….just small glints and glimmers of colors that I see in my children, in all children. I grieve for my inner child…I miss my colors.

    thank you for being raw….for helping me not fee so alone, in a totally different way…in truth

    • Your words ring so true as I read them. The shadow sometimes feels like it has grown bigger, perhaps so big it has it’s own identity. I struggle with the desire to push on forward and the hole that has left a mark within me.

      • I too feel that I have lost my colors and everything for me inside is gray. I pray this fog will lift and I will re-emerge the happy person I used to be. Thank you everyone for your words, it helps to not feel so alone in this torture.

  17. It’s been a year since I’ve found out about my husband’s affair. He led me through hell last summer. My instincts told me something wasn’t right so I logged into his phone records and that’s when I had seen her number. I confronted him and he sugar coated everything, said they had only ‘messed’ around, but didn’t have sex and it had been going on for a few months. Stupidly, I believed him. I believed a liar. I found your blog and read every single post. I felt hope. I wasn’t alone.

    But two months go by and I contacted his AP and she told me it had been going on for a year. I told him I wanted a divorce and made him leave the house. Not knowing, he got a hotel with her that night. We decided to try again. He kept telling me all these sweet things. Made me believe I was the only one.

    A month later I was out in our garage and for some reason I kept staring at his motorcycle. I grabbed the key and removed his seat, and I lost it. I found a piece of paper showing he bought a prepaid phone. I hacked into that account and there they are, talking everyday.

    Since then, he has made changes. I believe now they are no longer seeing each other or in contact. Several days after I found the phone, I thought I was completely done with him but somehow we had a mature talk about everything that happened and what led to him doing this. I just still have a hard time letting it go after a year. We have been together for 10 years and I myself, had an emotional affair that lasted for three months. During our talk, of course I confessed. We were letting everything out that day. We are a mess some days and not totally trusting each other. It’s hard but I hope and pray we will make it and that somehow trust will find its way back to us.

    I am sorry for all you have gone through. I am thankful for the day I found your blog, it’s given me strength in more ways that you know. I admire how strong you are and how you keep fighting for your marriage, even at day one. You are an amazing woman.

  18. It’s a shame, in the years you’ve been writing this blog, you could have just dumped his ass, got over him and found the love of your life. You are wasting all this time with someone who doesn’t even love or respect you (he cheated on you!!!). Why do you still want him?

  19. I have put this entry into my favorites and reread it now and again when I am feeling really sad. It makes me feel that I am not a freak to be still so sad. It has been four years since I found out about an affair that I think happened 14 years ago. I know that they remained friends and he said that they would get together for coffee now and again on the campus where they worked. Just found out on the weekend that he lied, he used to go to her house, even designed a nice deck system on the back of her house. It makes me want to vomit and I can’t bear to look at him right now. He has done everything right in the past 9 years, been the perfect husband but I cannot get past the lying. He says he lied to keep the peace, just to get past it and on with our lives. Refuses to talk about it and gets mad when I am upset. I just want to crawl into a hole and cry, and when I wake in the night and hear him sleeping I just want to punch him I am so angry. ( Don’t worry, I don’t) Hopefully this too will pass, but when I read your blog and the responses I know that I am not alone. It is the nature of the beast that we all have to suffer in silence, talking about infidelity makes people uncomfortable. Thank you for this site. It gives us a voice in the darkness.

  20. I’m new here. My “D-Day” was May 16th of this year and I am feeling just completely broken. His affair was from 2009-2010 right after I had my daughter, my second c-section, and my second round of postpartum depression. It was with a friend that I regularly hung out with and who babysat my kids for me. He kept it a secret until this year. I have no way to reconcile the event. She has moved on, he has moved on, he doesn’t understand why I can’t just move on. They have both had almost 8 years to recover and heal from this…I have had 37 days.

    Our marriage was my fairy tale. We weren’t always completely happy, but it was love at first sight. We met and knew. He was my first and only adult relationship, and I was pregnant and married at 21. We often talk about how lucky we are to have found each other and we talk about how sad it makes us when our married friends separate. We just don’t understand how you can commit enough to be married, but not put in the work that it takes to make it. Of course, that was when I saw our marriage through rose colored glasses.

    Now I see how naive I was.

    There are days that I don’t remember because I wasn’t told until so many years later, but there are some that I do. Now that I know, his behavior and hers makes so much more sense to me.

    She told me that she’s sorry and that I am a good person. She hopes I find happiness.

    I have cried everyday. Every single day. I’m exhausted.

    My kids are now 11 and 8. They know something is up, but I have been telling them that a friend of mine died so I don’t have to get into anything too heavy for them. We are still living together and acting, in front of everyone, as though nothing is wrong. It is hard. There are times when I am talking to someone and they mention something and I have to excuse myself to cry. Or I hear a song..and it triggers me. My kryptonite is facebook. They have pictures together, so many, because he was in a band and was out every night. I just trusted him completely, so I never thought anything of it. I have pictures with her. She has pictures with my kids on there. I can’t control myself enough not to go digging and then I just weep. My “On this Day” reminder tells me that 7 years ago I posted “I miss my husband, tired of him working all of these doubles!” or “Wish I could be out with the band tonight, couldn’t get a sitter. Have fun you guys!” and I know what he was doing during those times. I am tortured and torturing myself.

    There is no doubt that I am in love with him. I was holding him when he told me. Crying. I thought he was going to tell me he had a terminal illness. The first words out of my mouth after he told me (other than “What?” I made him repeat it 3 times), were “I forgive you”. And I believe that I meant that. They came out with no thought, no premeditation…just a complete uncontrolled reaction. I believe he is my soulmate, I believe that we are in love….I just also believe that he is capable of destroying my very being, which terrifies me.

    We haven’t worn our wedding rings in over a month. We can’t bring ourselves to perpetuating that lie anymore, but we do feel as though we are stronger now that he isn’t lying to me everyday. We have both verbalized what our feelings are and have set a 3-6 month date to try to process before I decide to stay or go.

    My emotions, they are everywhere. I have contemplated what death would be like – no worries, I am actively getting help with that, I have felt overwhelming nausea, I have had panic attacks, I broke my hand punching a 200lb oak armoire, I cry during sex because I think of him and her, but for whatever reason I find myself more attracted to him after he told me than I ever did before…or that’s how I feel now anyway, some days we go on dates and I feel absolute love and happiness, some days we go on dates and I feel like I have wasted 12 years of my life on a sham of a marriage. My life feels like a lie. I even would go as far as to say that I don’t really feel like I know who I am anymore. I am questioning my job, my hobbies, my spirituality, religion, my decisions, everything.

    I am taking it one day at a time, but that is so hard sometimes.

  21. It has been over a year and i look back at how things used to be and wonder now if everything is fake. He has changed so much for the better and says he is completely 100% happy. I question though whether he is. He does nothing and i mean nothing that he used to. I to have changed, i have kind of turned into a hermit. I dont talk to friends as much because when i needed them they mostly told me what he did wasnt really an affair that their spouses or s/o have done that. His was more of a emotional affair with a coworker. I wish i could quit questioning everything and some stuff go back to how they were prior.

  22. I just found this blog and giddy from your words!
    I’m attempting to go back in time to process with you (currently at your one year post d day).
    So many questions but first and foremost I’m curious about therapy?
    I know you saw a therapist…..did you both go? Together? Still seeing a therapist? And how quickly did you start seeing one after d day?

  23. i really dont think we all have the strength to withstand cheating partners,i was a victim that suffered in the hands of my spouse until i found a spy that was introduced to me by a friend,his address is hacknspytech at gmaildotcom, he got me so much evidence to divorce rightfully.i am back to being myself now and happy.

  24. I wanted to say thank you for this blog and thank you for everyone sharing their stories, I am glad to see that I am not alone. I loved reading your stories in the comments, it really has helped me a lot. Well here is my story. Thanks for reading.

    It has been 6 months DDay. I am completely heartbroken. I have not been able to share this with anyone. I can’t, I know my family and friends would hate him and they would judge me for staying and see us differently. His family would be in shock and would be greatly disappointed as I was because cheating was never in his character and I can’t do that to them either. My husband and I are high school sweethearts, we are each other firsts and i thought we would be each other’s only. Together 15 years, married 10. He’s all I have known in a man. He was my everything. My husband, best friend, my absolute everything. If someone would’ve told me to bet 1million dollars that my husband would never cheat on me, I would have done it with my eyes closed! The night I found out, I got a hold of his phone that he never leaves unlocked so I got curious and opened the text messages, there it was. An old friend of his on his screen. I read as much as the phone allowed me to go up, he was having a full blown affair with her for the past 3 months. I couldn’t rap my head around the fact that He had sex with someone else! I recall my body got so hot, i felt as though I couldn’t breath, i starting crying. I tried to calm down so I could confront him. First thing I did when I saw him was slap him in the face. I started crying hysterically demanding answers. He tried to hide it, but he couldn’t. Next 3 days I was totally depressed, cried all day and night, I couldn’t sleep or drink. I had never felt such sadness and I really wished I would just die. My kids were and are the gas in my engine. Finally I realized my life and heart had been shattered but I needed to keep it together for my kids. My husband said he wanted to stay and work on us. I needed answers, I needed the truth and it was like pulling teeth with him about anything. Every answer was either he didn’t remember or very vague in response. I’ve been to hell and back and hell and back and hell and back during these 6 months and I desire this to get better but as soon as it gets a little better, I find something else that he has done. 1 month post dday, I find out he’s the one that desired to be with another women in bed, he’s the one that did everything possible for her to fall into his arms and have sex with him. He says it happen twice. She wanted something serious, she wanted them to each leave their spouses and make a life together but my husband said no so she ended it. Had she have accepted to be the OW, they would’ve continued, I’m pretty sure. In fact 2 month post dday, I checked our phone records. After me finding out, they had a lot of text communication for 2 weeks. I was so fragile during that time and he was still texting with her? Saying what? I don’t know he’s never said. He says he was ending things but it shouldn’t take 2 weeks to end something. I have become numb at everything. 3 month post dday, I check his solo bank account and see he’s sent money internationally quite a bit, $1,600 to be exact. I ask him what that is about. And as if I’m not broken enough, I learn of a long distance emotional affair he’s had for a year! 1 full year! Why, how? Omg all the feeling I felt on dday come back. He brushes it off by saying it was like a friend to him. I look her up on Facebook and it’s a very ugly lady about 15-20 years older. Made me sick to my stomach. He said he had been cat fished and when he found out the truth, it was too late. On the phone records, I learned he still talked to her up until I caught him. Just recently last week I found a receipt of lunch for 2, I ask him and he denies and tried to lie about it. Turns out he saw an old coworker at the store and he invited her to have lunch, they drove 30 mins away to have lunch together because they knew what they were doing was bad. I felt everything all over again. He was someone I didn’t know. He had entered the cheating world and he liked it and I felt like his old self was gone forever. I cried for 1 whole week, as if grieving him. He, the man I thought I knew, had died, the husband next to me was someone new, someone I didn’t sign up to be with. I wake up thinking about what he has done, think about everything throughout the day and my last thought before going to sleep is him and his cheating. I don’t know how long I can take this pain. I feel as though my heart and doh have died, my body is the only thing living. He says he wants to stay, and I love him and don’t think I could love without him and I do know I will not be able to take another blow to the head.

  25. I have been following your blog for over a year now. I’ve read the entire thing, front to back. I cried, a lot. It’s been 16 months since D-Day for me, and I’m still very clearly mourning my old marriage, as you talked about in an older post. I still get angry and almost feel like I don’t have the right to be happy anymore. I can’t be happy about anything, because of what he did to me–to us. It helps knowing that I’m not alone. It helps knowing that there are others who are still with their spouse after all is said and done.

    I hope to be happy again someday too.

  26. I have the impression that my husband is cheating on me.
    Can someone please help?
    I need practical stuff.
    Thanks,
    Pilar
    kind regards
    Jarque

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