Here we are, together

I’ve been silent for a long time on here. It’s not 100% neglect. It’s not avoidance – at all. Life moves at a pace that it’s often hard to find time for reflection and then capturing those reflections on a page.

I’ve been in a podcast phase again and I recently heard a completely [unrelated to this blog] podcast about finding yourself in a historical event that you did not intend to be a part of or foresee as being a defining moment in their life. Yet, here they were.

summerfield-336672_1280 copyInfidelity is like that. It felt like I woke up one day and was dropped into a new reality. A reality that I wasn’t prepared for and I just wanted to find a way out. I just wanted to rewind my life and get a do-over. The problem is that I didn’t know how far to rewind. And when I realized I couldn’t change the past, I wanted to press fast-forward and skip ahead to the future. I was assured by every book I read that the first two years are the most difficult and if we put in the work then we would be fine. Then two years came and went, and I was better but I didn’t feel like the books told me I would. I set my sights on five years – that’s got to be enough time for me to heal and move on, I thought. Perhaps, you can’t set a timer for healing. Perhaps, these wounds cut me too deep. Perhaps, I need to just let go of the anxiety and emotions attached to the affair. But is that even possible? Or right?

The problem with affairs is that you wake up to find your spouse/partner has been cheating on you. In my case, my husband was involved with his affair partner for over a year before I discovered it. It was only this week that I realized that our “first” marriage ended during his affair – not upon my discovery of the affair. For my husband, our marriage changed (died/ended?) upon his decision to be involved, emotionally and physically, with his affair partner. Which means my marriage died without me even being told or invited to the funeral. I was living in a marriage for just over a year that wasn’t really there anymore.

So much of that first year was the shocking reality and pain that I felt from my husband’s affair. In those moments we were going through everything together and while I was angered and hurt by him keeping secrets from me for over a year, I didn’t realize that he already mourned the death of our marriage. He already moved past that, perhaps he truly mourned it, or perhaps he accepted it and moved into a new phase, the infidelity phase. It’s strange to think that my marriage was dead and I didn’t even know it. I was living in it, frustrated by it, celebrating it, and believing in it, but it was gone. It’s kinda like Santa Claus and I was the child believing in something that wasn’t real. Maybe that’s not a good example but you get it.

Marriages might never really be what we believe they are. We may never really have what we think we do or believe we should. The question I come to ask myself time and again is can I live with this uncertainty without allowing it to become mistrust?

As I am writing this article I Googled “uncertainty synonym” because I wasn’t sure if that was the right word. It turns out antonyms of uncertainty are: happiness, trust, faith, and peace. Ouch.  Maybe uncertainty isn’t the right word because I don’t want to live in a marriage without happiness, trust, faith, and peace; but uncertainty, indefinites, and vagueness seem to be an inevitable result after an affair. All the things I believed were definites are now maybes. The role I once had in our marriage as “the one and only one” has faded and perished. While some of these words seem masked in sadness, I am not sad about this change anymore. I am sad that I ever fell into the mythical notion of ever being someone’s enough. Love just doesn’t work that way.

In the beginning it was hard to accept this gray area that was introduced to my marriage and my belief system. Learning to live without a 100% promise of ever knowing what is real, true, alive/dead is not what I thought my life would be. But I’m not giving up happiness, trust, faith, and peace for a life without guarantees. I’m putting faith and trust that I can be happy and find peace in this life that I’m living.

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53 thoughts on “Here we are, together

  1. Absolutely agree. Few things though, I find, having found someone to be a master lier troubling.
    My husband needs help to understand why he is a coward and prefers to lie.frankly, he’s too old for that. Some lies would be in order to spare me; but most of it is an inability to have a real relationship. Enjoying sneaking things.
    A side to him that he developed in prefreferance to growing up.

  2. It’s been a long time since I read one of your post. I stayed a year and a half and tried desperately to work through things after the discovery of his affair(s). In the end I left and the peace was nearly instantaneous. I had lived in a situation for so long that stole my peace, my happiness, my very soul and now I no longer have to. I honestly have never been happier. I know the answer isn’t the same for us all. After I read Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life I knew what I had to do. I hope you find your peace, you deserve it.

  3. “ the mythical notion that I could ever be someone’s enough” just about sums up how I feel. It’s 10 months since D day , although I knew 2 years previously as his bit on the side kindly messaged me telling me about the affair so that she could blackmail him for huge amounts of money. I was married for 30 years . I’m too old to just upsticks and leave yet I’m not happy living the life I am in . I lived with 2 years of doubt and lies , until he finally got the guts to tell me and that was only because she was upping the demands for money. This blog has really helped me see that every feeling I go through is normal .

  4. My almost ex wife and I were following your posts since the beginning, I’ve even reached out to you once before.
    My wife and I both stepped out of our marriage, mine was only emotional in that time frame.
    After years of therapy and counseling our marriage could not be saved, though I truly believe that looking back she fell out of love with me long ago.
    This blog and your sincerity have been nice to witness, I have always read what you write, I think most marriages are dead these days and people stay together for money or children! I have witnessed some great relationships though and I’m so happy for those fortunate few. I will never give up on the institution of marriage as I think it’s wonderful and love is such a beautiful thing to share.
    I myself though could never fully trust someone who has stepped out on me physically I couldn’t bare it. My wife’s infidelity was never talked about nor will I ever know the scope, was always focused on my affair!
    Now I’ve moved forward after years of therapy. But if she did give her body to another, I would never, never,never touch her again after that.
    Though none of this matters now as it’s over and of course the bitter divorce and yet I’m still to blame.
    Tell people in this blog and all around to be accountable. It’s a must!
    Thanks for the outlet
    MCMXXV

  5. I don’t think you can put a timescale on healing. I don’t know if the wound ever truly heals though you can feel better( calmer, more accepting) as time passes. I learned about my husband’s affair quite a long time after it finished and the hurt of realising that I was completely in the dark all that time and that he continued to have contact with her in a professional capacity is extremely difficult and painful to come to terms with. He knew our ” first” marriage was over- but I didn’t and that too is extremely difficult to accept. So, we go on and can be happy a lot of the time but I question whether I can truly feel for him as I once did. That is the compromise in going on together. Our life together is not what I hoped for or what i was promised. That can’t change now and I need to come to terms with that. Kate. Xx

  6. This is a timely post for me! Exactly 3 years ago today I found out about my husband’s affair of 9 months. I was clueless and to this day still cannot believe he did this. Making it worse was finding out 11 months later that he was once again (or still) in contact with her. Supposedly just being a “nice guy” because she was having a health issue. That 2nd connection actually hurt more than finding out about the affair. It is now 13 months past that and still hurts!

    • Hello Kathy

      I too feel that finding out about ongoing contact/feelings is almost more devastating than initial discovery. To know they still carry some feelings for the other person even though knowing what they have done to you is cruel to say the least. I was in the dark about this for a very long time- more hurt and cruelty. I guess that has stopped now in your situation?
      Take care. Kate. X

      • I can only hope so Kate! This is a woman he worked with. I actually found out when she left a note on his car in front of our house. While I had asked him to change his job location after the initial discovery which obviously didn’t happen he immediately called his supervisor that nite and said he needed to garage at a different location immediately. While their paths can and most likely do cross I have not had any indication or gut feelings that there is any connections going on…but I have been wrong before! Thanks for your reply !
        Kathy

      • A delayed response to your question…sorry! I don’t know if the hurt I feel from the affair will ever go away. It’s been over two years since the actual affair…and a year from when I found out that they were still in contact but the thought of what he did still hurts just as much. Will it ever be a distant memory? I don’t know….I hope so. I do know that I will never completely trust him again.

  7. I’m am just now at my two years. Everything in this post I can relate to. I still struggle with the idea of if I can be in a marriage where I’m not enough. Where I’m not the one and only. But I’m still here. I do feel that my marriage ended when he began his year and a half long affair. He’s the perfect husband now. But now I’m the one wondering if he’s enough for me. Is this the kind of man I want to spend forever with? I don’t know.

  8. Thank you for sharing your continued journey. I have not commented in years. I am one year behind your D Day and I continue to follow you and read new stories of the new reality each day. I pray for each person who has the new discovery and for each person I hear about in the process. We have moved away from our area and still hear glimpses of our pernicious one. Not all husbands respond the way yours and mine did so the outcomes can be very different. We are thankful to still be together in our new normal. I wish there was a way to have a national conference for women who have gone through this or are going through this to lift them up, learn, heal, and celebrate the new normal.

    • WE moved across the nation in order to start new but the memories and visions are still with me. My husband responded with regret, sorrow, contrition and a reality of WHO had become and WHAT he was capable of due to the pains in his childhood that manifested in lack of low self esteem in his adulthood. He destroyed another soul and almost all his children’s lives. He is a different person but it doesn’t help me personally as I am feeling the deepest loss of who I was and what I believed in..

    • It would be so nice if there was a place for women to come together, dialogue, listen, and heal. Infidelity often has us hiding in the dark and unwillingly to share our stories. I would like to believe we can change that without damaging the relationships we value so much in our lives.

      • I say let’s do it! I live in Omaha Nebraska. If anyone is even remotely close we can figure out how to organize a group. Anyone interested?

  9. Hello to all of you wonderful women- I hear myself in each of your posts. 3 years out for me and still not feeling whole.
    I too was in the dark for 6 months. Knowing something felt off but not being able to pin point it. I had a suspicion and let it pass. She was a friend, someone he worked with. Why didn’t I start digging then? God knows I’ve gotten very good at sleuthing. What was I thinking then? It’s as if my mind won’t let me pull up those memories in a cohesive logical sequence.
    To Cax60 your words ” our life together is not what I hoped for and not what was promised.” I feel that. I’ve think I love my husband but inside there is a part of me that hates him. He betrayed me and it changed my perception of who he was, who he is, who I was and who I am now. He hurt our children. I have days when I have one foot out the door and I think he doesn’t even realize. We are working on our marriage but a part of me stays distant. A little betrayal of my own maybe? Touché husband.

    • I so relate to you on your comments. One foot out the door. It’s like there’s now a wall around my heart where he’s concerned. Why am I still here? I love this life we created together, our family. Is this enough? I have thought the same..a trist of my own? I have told him my feelings, or lack of. He says he doesn’t care. He will take what he can get. But can I live without that deep love. Does that even exist?

    • When you say Why didn’t I start digging then, I totally understand what you are saying. Over 2 years ago I received a message in Facebook from an obviously fake account telling me that my husband was having an affair with a certain woman , even giving me her name . I confronted my husband that day and he denied it so convincingly I believed him! I have asked myself a hundred times how I could be sooo stupid . The messages would come in every few months offering to meet up with me to provide the proof , I agreed to meet but then I wouldn’t get any more messages telling me where and when . I showed my husband all the messages and he still denied it . I just can’t beleive how stupid I was . The messages were coming from the woman he was having the affair with , she would message me every time he tried to stop giving her money because she was blackmailing him . Eventually her demands became too much and he confessed . I was put through 2 years of torment and lies when he could have saved me all that by confessing on the day of the first message . So don’t beat yourself up for not digging back then, we all want to deny it’s happening

    • OMG! You hit the nail on the head! I am 1.5 yrs since Dday and there are good days, but the days I’m not busy, I find myself thinking about the affair and the pain I still feel – and it’s those days I want to leave. My husband begged me to stay, and he doesn’t see her anymore, or doesn’t talk to her either. But he never ended it verbally with her in front of me. He only called her and said on her VM “she knows.” When I realized he wasn’t going to say anything else that he just said to me like how she was the biggest mistake of his life and if he could control+alt+delete her, he would – I grabbed the phone and told her we needed to have a one on one (woman to woman) talk and for her to call me. She never did and my husband changed his phone number right after that. I’ve also gone to her work to confront her, her only retreating to the back office because I got her riled up. But she knows where he works and could have called him to discuss what happened. I just can’t see her not wanting to know or reaching out to find out. It’s common sense she would try to reach out to him and find out what happened. He denies she ever did.

      But I’m upset that for 9 months I was in the dark. My first marriage ended and here I was thanking God everyday for everything I had -which was a lie. We had 7 yrs of friendship, 4 yrs of dating and living together, then 8 yrs married before this affair. I was sucker punched by the man I loved most. But the sucker punch was a bullet shot in my back. I feel like I am sleeping with the enemy because I no longer have that innocence about our marriage. It hurts. I hate the gut wrenching feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when I think he didn’t love me enough to be faithful, or that he didn’t respect what we built over the last 19 yrs to keep it in his pants. And I don’t know about you, but I’m not completely satisfied with this generic 2nd marriage. It’s better than the first as I know I am not in the dark and I have the upper hand, but the love I once had, that innocent “I would do anything” for my husband feeling and love is gone. I don’t love him like I once did. That’s because I, too, have hatred for him deep down. It surfaces whenever I get upset. And like you I feel the need to even the score. I’ve read I won’t feel better, but I doubt that. I need to feel completely in love again. And I’m not 100% sure I will feel completely satisfied. If I don’t have that marriage I thought I had anymore, I want a better marriage – total transparency with the here and now and with the past. He doesn’t like to talk about it though, not realizing the talks about the affair help me feel better. Covering it like a cat covers their poop will not heal us, dealing with it straight on does. Sorry for venting…

      • Loyalty- you sound so much like me. I’m so disgusted I don’t know if I ever will get over this. I don’t know if my pride will let me. My husband now has been the text book version of the man trying to be better but still I carry something in me that cannot forgive. It has been a tough road and not easy.
        Your comments about your husband not ending it in front of you with her also resembles my situation. My husband acted as if he was scared of her or didn’t want to hurt her feelings. He continued flirting with her for awhile immediately after I found out and when I found an inappropriate email I lost it. I felt so so stupid and I could picture her laughing at me. I still resent him for that. That was as bad as the affair. He saw the pain he caused and still … I know we can’t change the past but sometimes I wish I had left then. That was 3 years ago.
        Talking to him does help and even now every once in awhile I get an overwhelming sadness. It’s grief I think. We don’t discuss his affair often but every once in awhile the damn breaks and the realization of it all hits me. I’ve said this before but it’s like I have this bucket that slowly gets filled up and by talking it will empty.
        Thinking of you and all of the women on this site. Hoping for peace for us and karmic hell for the other women.

    • The inner dialogue I have in my head can be challenging at times. It’s hard to believe and trust when the person you trusted the most proves they couldn’t be trusted. Sometimes it’s safe to stay distant. Sometimes it feels safe to put that trust that was lost in another person.

  10. A breakthrough!
    I have been reading your blog for a long time & firstly can I congratulate you on your courage & ability to express your feelings into words so honestly & effectively. Sadly like many on here I can relate & know your experience very well. My story is very much the same as many . (2years since I found out,that his 6mth affair ended 3yrs prior) I discovered it mainly because when it ended she stalked not only him, but me & my children too!) I have too many emotions to describe & I’m sure you all know the hurt so well. Even though it has been the biggest challenge of my life, we are still together (we have children). To him only, I refer to our marriage as ended. Because as far as I’m concerned our marriage vows/contract has been broken. So we work on our ‘relationship’ now, that’s the best I can offer. He is trying very hard, but of course he can’t rewrite history. This is the first time after 2 years of pain, anger & turmoil, I have felt brave enough to leave a comment. I feel compelled to do so because I feel in the last 2mths I have found something that has made a significant breakthrough in helping me to make sense of it all & most importantly truly start the healing process. So much so I want to share it with people whose lives I know have been turned upside down like mine. My breakthrough has come from going to see a Pranic Healer. I recommend anyone who can relate to our experience to at least research it, but most definitely book a one to one pranic healing session with a trusted healer. I have had 4 sessions now. (We have had 2years of therapy/councilling and although it has been an insight & given clarity, it didn’t take the pain etc away) The breakthrough came on my 2nd pranic healing session when I opened up about my experience. She worked on my emotional energy & I truly have started to heal. The way I see it now – No matter whether we can understand, forgive, trust, stay together, be happy or whatever, ‘I’ still needed to heal ‘my’ wounds. It took me 18mths to pluck up the courage to go – I won’t write too much more but it has been life changing & I can’t recommend it enough for people in our situation. It has made a massive improvement in moving our relationship forward. But I also feel so much stronger, to know if it’s working or not and if it’s not I will deal with that too. Xx

  11. 3 years for me and my husband had an affair with this woman for 2 years!!! I can’t seem to heal
    . I don’t even know who I am anymore and anything I ever knew before was a lie. I love him but I don’t know what we had… none of it is real.

  12. Yesterday was 2 years post D-Day of my husband’s 6.5 year affair. I am functioning, but not healed. I am really not sure what healed would look like. His complete change and transformation to the man he is today almost feels like a betrayal in itself. Why did it take a profound betrayal and then being found out to make it worth changing?

    I constantly consider leaving but after 42 years of marriage and just turning 65, that is a very daunting thought. But I know I cannot stay if I cannot find a way to put both feet into this relationship. I deserve more than just a roommate and business partner. Not sure I can ever find that here again.

    • My brother said to me ” you finally got the husband you wanted.” Yes, but the cost I paid for that. Like you said why did it take him cheating and getting caught to make him realize what he had all along. It just doesn’t seem right.

  13. Cheers, I agree I wish for a common ground for us women to meet and embrace each other. I am coming up on 3 years since I discovered everything. Time has helped it’s true but I mourn the loss of my original marriage, it is different now. I recently came upon a quote: “Breaking someone’s trust is crumpling up a perfect piece of paper. You can smooth it over but it’s never going to be the same again”. Sadly for me this resonates. I am forever changed now. I pray for all of us ladies every day. As for the AP (Affair Partners) I don’t know how they could look themselves in the mirror and I wish karma for them.

  14. Hello Taking back my life

    I feel so much like you. Deep down in your soul how can you truly forgive betrayal by the one person who was supposed to have your back? If it was anyone else you would cut them out of your life. I have needed to set the concept of forgiveness aside and try to rebuild . Some people would say that’s not possible and I accept I can never feel about him the ” innocent” way I did , however, I haven’t left him and I want inner peace for me. He can never have all of me now and so we compromise on what we can have – good on many ways – but without the purity of before. With that knowledge we go on. One thing more i wanted to say to you Taking back my life, please put out of your mind her laughing at you for there is the road to madness! She is nothing and not worth your precious life or time. Hugs to you.
    Kate xx

    • I also torture myself with the thought of her laughing at me and you are right, it isn’t the road to madness. I live in a very small tight community and found out after D day that some people knew about the affair but chose not to tell me so for a long time I felt I was a total joke within the community. She got herself a new life with air tickets , rent paid and support money for 2 years , she was laughing all the way to the bank .

  15. I am very interested in a meeting with women who have been through this ordeal. I also will definitely look into the Pranic Healing as I continue to struggle with good days and bad days. Thank you again for sharing your journey as this Blog has been a God send for me as well as all of the women commenting.

  16. I admit..the healing process after infidelity was hard. It’s like a roller-coaster. Now, I felt that our marriage was never been the same. There is still gap. Questions unanswered. He quit his job because his affair was with his female-boss. But there were times like he blamed me for being jobless, because he once said that his affair with his boss was ended so he did not have to quit his job before getting a new one. But I could not believe him. Since she was his boss, how could he not maintain his space from her and that made me mad, how can I be healed and stop being hurt, so I asked him to quit immediately. He thought that he had paid off his mistake by quitting his job. Now he is still jobless, now for 3 months. But his main focus now was not to my brokenness heal or how to heal our marriage. He actually stopped asked me how I felt now. He simply felt that he had paid his deal by quitting his job that hurt his pride. But actually deep inside me, I still feel hurt, damaged, insecured. This is so weird.

  17. What’s going on is so sad, I have been in similar situation when I was with my ex. He cheated and lied through out our relationship about it. I know I might be criticized but I decided to contact a hacker who got into his devices for the proof I needed for his infidelity. She gave me access within an hour, her information is femalehackerz1 google her to get her contact

  18. Thanks so much for writing your story and keeping on writing after years. I can relate so much. Almost three weeks ago I just found our my husband was having an affair. After 16 years of marriage and 3 little children. Even though it lasted only for a month It hurts so much. Maybe even more because he wishes it would have lasted longer. He’s ashamed and angry that I found out and interviened. I found out she was a work colleage on another plant and I called her and then she broke up contact with him.

    My story is so similar to yours but in a short time lap. I found accidentally such a similar email and started digging deeper. I had always trusted him, I would never ask where he was or what he did but I just realize now how much an affair changes a person and a marriage, I`m ridding a wave of emotions, I’m happy he’s back, the minute later I’m so angry, now I feel an overwhelming sadness, I feel guilt and he putting most of the guilt on me for not looking more desirable also doesn’t help.

    I cannot think about anyting else, I’ve been doing terrible at work, I’ve missed all possbile deathlines for everything. It’s so hard to keep on functioning and taking care of the family when there’s nothing else you can think about but your pain.

    I’m so scared what will be when the hysterical bonding is gone. Will I stopp doing all I’m doing to get him back? Will he run again inmediately to find someone else? We’ve talked a lot about our needs and fantasies. He wants to have a threesome. If he hed realized my pain, he wouldn’t be asking for that. He doesn’t feel bad for what h he did, only for me cathing him. I wonder what will stop him from doing it again if the doesn’t see his wrongdoing and my pain. Will he ever love me for what am I and not for being what he wants? Is it stupid to feel this way for an affair that lasted only for a month?

    Reading you makes me feel much better. As you wrote on the first posts, I hope the pain will ease and I will find answer to my questions. I hope you will one day forget completely. Forgetting is as much work and needs as much practice as remembering but It’s necessary.

  19. I am 9 months post finding out my husbands affair. It has completely shaken my foundation of who I thought I was and what I believed. I caught my husband exchanging messages with someone that I knew (dont hang out with but once did. She knew who I was because we used to hang out when I was with my oldest son’s father. I used to come over her house and vise versa.) but my husband didn’t know that I knew her. They exchanged photos of their body parts and even though it was not a physical affair, knowing that another woman has seen my husbands body hurts me to the core. A body that only my eyes and hands were made for. It feels like the same betrayal as actually having a physical affair. I decided to stay with my husband because I still do love him. I do want to be with him and restore our marriage. Of course our boys had a lot to do with my decision to stay. There are times when I feel strong enough to continue in the marriage and I can feel hope, there are more times like those then times of feeling weak and hopless, but those weak times makes me feel like I just found out again, makes me feel like I have to start all over again, makes me feel like the pain is brand new, make me feel powerless. After I read this post, I realized that I could be dealing with the same thing. I have yet to find closure. I feel like I need to give her a piece of my mind as well. It could be because she lied to me about knowing that he was married to me. He confirmed she did know because there was a time that we went out to lunch with our kids, and she was there, she saw him and me there. I had no clue. That has been the one thing that I’ve been holding on to. I don’t know how to let that go. There can be weeks that I will be ok, but a dream, a thought, a picture will just refresh my memory all over again. I hate it. I wish that I didn’t want to giver her a piece of my mind. I hate that she has moved on with her spouse while we are still fighting to survive. I hate that she has gotten the best of me and my marriage. I fear that this will be my life always. I love reading stories of redemption because it gives me hope. But it makes me sad that I am still not seeing or feeling that hope for my own marriage.

  20. Yesterday marked 5 years since the Day of Discovery.
    Today marks my fortunate Discovery of this Blog.
    This story, your words, were instrumental in giving me hope.
    Thank you again and again for sharing your story.

    It’s truly fascinating how grief, anger, fear, judgement bubble up and then pass. I work hard to simply notice these negative feelings, allow them to happen and lean back to breathe and create space to release. This proves to be a lifetime practice.

    As I paddle boarded on a perfectly peaceful lake recently, I recounted that there continues to be more things going right in my marriage now than not going right. I am grateful and continue to practice, practice, practice mindfulness.

    Sending you big hugs. Continue to take extremely good care of yourself.

  21. Yesterday I saw the OW for the first time in public. I felt a panic attack come on, I went to the cashier to pay and left the store. I stayed in my car thinking about confronting her I was so nervous. I called my sister who immediately talked me out of confronting her and told me to drive away. I did what she advised me but part of me wished I had confronted her. I am going on 3 years post D Day, this has set me back. Today I am feeling overwhelmed and consumed by this.

    • Aww, that’s tough. I understand why someone would say not to. However, I am that girl who is forever having that dialogue in my head with the OW, what I would say, do, etc. So I wouldn’t have been able to pass up the opportunity if I ran into her by accident. I say make them feel uncomfortable. After all, we can’t really do anything else to make them pay for their actions. I believe it takes two to tangle. I blame her for 50% of the wrong doing regardless of the commitment my husband made to me. He needed her willingness to cheat. It’s a shared fault.

      I never ran into the OW by accident, but I did purposely go to her job – twice. And both times were against my counselor ‘s advice not to. But sometimes you just need that. And I did feel better afterwards, like I gained back control. I can’t say it was my finest moment although I did nothing to get areested for. First time I went when I speculated, to feel her out and to make my presence known because I knew there was flirting and I didnt want it to go any further. I purchased some items for my husband and told her who I was and introduced myself to her. Skank called my husband afterwards and told him I was there.

      The second time I went to ask her to meet me for coffee so I could hear her side. She knew I knew at this time. However, she was very defensive (unwilling to answer questions) and as a result I went from 0 to 60 being pissed off real quick. I never got so far to ask her to go to coffee and ended up confronting her in front of a customer at her place of employment. I asked her if she loved my husband and if she was remorseful? Awkward for her, me I could careless. It made me feel superior when she was rattled and went into a back office. I felt like ” One for me, zero for her”. But I was taught you make your bed, you lie in it. Deal with the consequences. Apparently she was a private person, so me outing her at her work really stirred her up to the point of running. But I did what I had to do. I also wrote her three letters and left her a vm. I don’t bother her now, she’s a little b*tch, pardon my language. I realize there is nothing she could tell me that I didn’t already know. Only question I had was about the plan b pill – did she use that with my husband or her husband or someone else. Outside of that, I tortured my husband so much about details he gave them to me, now I don’t ask anymore unless I am thinking and something doesn’t add up. He’s learned to answer or else it’s hell to pay.

      I knew my hot headed temper wouldn’t let it ride. I needed that closure with the OW for me. I wanted her to know I had a brain, back bone and courage to confront her head on. I hope it makes her think twice about messing around with another married man.

      • Loyalty- I was thinking about your comment regarding gaining back control when you went to see the OW. I think you are 100% correct. Those were my feelings exactly and that was my driving motivation behind my actions to approach her as well. The opportunity to throw her off balance was empowering. I do think it could have gone badly but I’m a planner. Perhaps now that Golden Girl has had time to reflect on her feelings about seeing the OW she will be ready next time. I hope you don’t think my “advice” to her was any kind of insult to you. I applaud your considered actions and understand exactly. At the same time I think each of us here finds control in their own way and I hope GG doesn’t feel less empowered by walking away. That’s a lot of control!
        I still am anxious if I’m out and consider what if I run into her unexpectedly. That would be very different than the experiences I had with her in the past. I do think I would probably go a little off the rails and risk looking like a lunatic. Perhaps I am. I really don’t know anymore.

      • Hi all. I have been following this blog for 2 yrs now..just over 2 yrs since DD. I too had the desire to confront the OW. I felt my voice was taken away along with my choice about my marriage once my WH slept with her. Her actions once it was ended were crazy. We had to get a lawyer so I never got the chance to confront. That being said, now I don’t have any desire to face her. I don’t care anymore about her. She’s just a bad choice of WH. Due to his choices I have now chosen to end the marriage. I have tried for two years. If I’m honest it is because the kids. I’m tired of feeling like a big fraud in my life pretending that I can stay when such a huge betrayal took place. For me sadly is has become a deal breaker..

  22. Loyalty-thank you for your reply. I appreciate you sharing your story. I shared my experience the other day with my husband he was very sympathetic and disgusted I had to go through this. I am with you in that I feel like I need to confront her and I need a release to feel better. My husband felt like I should have confronted her. Part of me wishes I did but another part of me feels like I walked away with my dignity. If I do see her again I may make a public spectacle out of her, expose her for the predator she is, shout out that she is a chronic seducer of married men, call her by her name and claim my right to freedom of speech. I guess I was not prepared the other day but next time I see her, she may have to run.

    • Hi Ladies- dealing with the OW is tough. I honestly think you should do what is right for you. I did confront her a couple of times and never regretted it. I also wrote a 1 page letter and sent it. She was livid. The audacity of her being upset that she got called out on screwing my husband. Goes to show their mindset. I listened to a podcast and the betrayed spouse said he felt like “they” got to walk away unscathed and he was left by the side of the road bleeding. I thought this was so true.
      Golden Girl- not saying anything to the OW makes sense. Why give her another piece of you? At the same time if you change your mind and want to say something to her next time you will be ready. You have the control of that. Sorry seeing her upset you. I understand your pain.

      • TBML-thank you, your words are of great comfort to me. I love that you pointed out about not giving her another piece of me, WOW that helps to hear and read that! I appreciated you recognizing also that it makes sense to not confront her. I have in my own way but I can’t reveal in this format. She is haunted I am sure. I am grateful for this blog and all of the ladies/victims commenting.

    • It’s understandable why you didn’t. I do understand. I did think twice before I confronted her the second time. And almost didn’t. I am an emotional person and wear my heart on my sleeves. That’s just who I am, so confronting her is what I had to do to take some control back. I wanted to rattle her world a little, make her think twice, make her embarrassed., and call her out. I accomplished what I set out to do. I did what I needed to do as a next step to move on. Maybe I did give her a piece of me in those moments, but I needed her to know how I felt and how I wouldn’t take it lying down.

      Ive done one small “additional” thing to make her embarrassed. So I feel like I got some justice, not nearly what she deserves, but some. Trust me, I thought of MANY ways to jab her but I can’t keep harboring these negative and harsh feelings. I’ve changed SO much as a person because of my husband’s piss poor decisions with this skank. I’m definitely the negative Nancy instead of Mrs Sunshine (like I used to be).

      If people (husband and OW) only thought about their decisions more. If they thought “will this help or hurt us/spouses?” If they thought about their actions, and thought about others instead of themselves, this world would be a better place. I always thought us women have to stick together, but I realized it’s not like that anymore – many are out for themselves. But what can they really accomplish by being part of a love triangle, one where statics show only 5% of married men or women will actually leave their spouse for their affair partner. Only 3% of them will go on to get married, and 75% of those will go on to divorce. The other woman is only putting themselves in vulnerable and destructive positions because in the end the majority of men only wanted a vacay from their marriage, not a new commitment. Men could have steak at home every night but may crave bologna once in a while. These OW don’t realize it, but they are the cheaper meat. They mean nothing to a selfish married man with commitments. They are a fairytale, a break from reality. If married men did care more about these women, more married men would leave their wives. The statics wouldn’t be 5%.

  23. Loyalty & TBML,
    I so appreciated your words and recognizing how much control I exercised when I saw the beast in person. I guess I felt like a failure b/c I didn’t confront her but you both made me feel a lot better about my choice. I really wanted HER to run but she did not, that bothers me. But she is a predator in my opinion and those types are a different breed/beast. My anxiety is fading now thank God. I had a rough week but I am coming out of it now. Thank you again for the encouragement and support xo.

  24. I noticed it was a few years ago that you actually realized what was happening in your marriage. What is it like now years after the horrible ordeal? I found out my partner slept with my friend numerous times after our 2nd child was born. It has been one year since I decided to give him another chance and we seen a Councillor although this week is extremely hard the pain the thoughts i feel i am back right where i was in that moment and its eating me up so bad i dont know if i can go on i feel i made a mistake giving him yet another chance even tho there is no evidence he is doing it again… Do i keep fighting myself telling myself it’ll be better this time or do i finally take the step to move on… there are so many triggers for me its really hard to avoid.. the intrusive thoughts daily.

  25. I just wanted to say thank you so much for your writings! It’s been 3 weeks since my “D-Day” and reading your perspectives and experiences have really helped me. Thank you

  26. I found out 3 months ago. I rage and cry and then have a few good days- I haven’t left yet. Anyone have a “revenge affair”? I have been thinking it would be nice to feel wanted and attractive. I have read it’s not a good idea but I truly think it would help me move on.. in what way I don’t know.

    • I’ve thought about it a lot and probably would have had a revenge affair IF I found a guy that was better than my spouse in every possible way.

      From my readings, I know women cheat for emotional reasons while men do it for physical reasons. I’ve also read women are more particular (picky if you will) with who they sleep with and often times will sleep with a man that is better than their spouse (we upgrade) because the guy has to be more than just attractive to us, but have a good job, make us feel secure, have a great personality, understand us, etc. Because let’s face it, if we are going to cheat, it will have to be with someone that is worth it in case our spouse finds out. Do you really want to risk it all for someone that isn’t necessarily worth it?

      When men cheat, it’s usually based solely on physical attributes – the girl has a nice butt or nice tits or is younger and makes the man feel superior, attractive, younger, wild. It’s not that his wife doesn’t anymore, but everyday life and responsibilities make it boring. Also, this new woman may have never yelled at him before so that is where the attraction starts. Plus men think their spouse won’t find out even though 84% of spouses do.

      Of course there are more reasons why a spouse cheats, but these are some of the generic reasons. But men risk it all and often times downgrade. I can say in my personal experience, the girl my husband cheated on me with was younger but she had NOTHING else on me. Even the OW’s husband told me he didn’t understand my husband’s indescretions because it was obvious I was the better woman. Not saying I am all that or anything. But it was obvious he downgraded.

      I’ve read 6 or 7 self help books along with countless articles, blogs and v-blogs on infidelity websites and all say having a revenge affair would make you feel worse because our motive would be revenge while our spouse’s motive was a true blue attraction. So we wouldn’t get the same high or thrill and would possibly only end up harming the person that we choose to sleep with emotionally. However, even knowing that I must admit I haven’t removed the idea of the “revenge affair” off the table. If there is one thing I realized, my husband is not loyal to me, he made me feel undesirable and old. Now that I know that truth, I’m jaded and know that I can’t be 100% loyal to him like I was before. After all, he broke our vows, not me, so it’s tough to even still see us as being married. I find myself looking at handsome younger guys now. I never use to do that before. I’m now keeping my options open. Like you, I need to feel special, attractive and desired. I’m usually the girl that is very cautious, I measure twice and cut once. There isn’t anything that I regret in my life. I would have never entertained the idea of cheating. But if the opportunity should arise, I would evaluate it and base my decision on my needs and wants. It’s scary to think that I don’t know myself anymore. I’m a different person. But my husband’s infidelity made me angry and resentful towards him. I love him but it’s different now. I think a revenge affair would help me feel in control, as crazy as it sounds. It would even the playing field, and show him I’m just as desired. That’s probably why you and I and many others are entertaining the idea.

      • Thanks for the reply.. I too was never one to even consider cheating, now I’m wondering if I’m even able to have a one night stand.. that’s what his was. I’ve never been the one night stand girl- even when single, but am considering it. Apparently we are never too old to meet drunk people in bars and have quick sex.. I thought we were but he proved me wrong I guess. He was away on business- how cliche- I don’t travel for work so makes it a little bit harder for me- I don’t want a relationship- I just want someone to want me.. and even the playing field.
        I know all these emotions are wrong- I’ve read all the books etc.. but I feel I won’t be able to move on until we are even .. I know, childish

  27. Ellie – your feelings aren’t wrong. It’s natural to want to feel wanted and desired. So it sucks to learn our spouse ‘s wanted and desired another and shunned us. I’m sure you and I and everyone on this forum didn’t deserve it. It’s betrayal at it’s worse. I don’t understand my complicated feelings of loving my husband and hating him. It’s true when they say there’s a thin line between love and hate. The worst stage of this is in the first weeks after discovery. I remember when I was 3 months into discovery and how upset I was – how my world was turned upside down and how I didn’t know what was truth and what was not. I questioned my husband’s love, because if my husband loved me at all he wouldn’t have done this to me. It hurts to this day and it will be two yrs in February. It’s a long and painful road, and the only solace I have is thinking about how evening the playing field will help me with everything he broke. It will restore confidence within myself, it will put me in a situation to potentially understand why he did it, and with having an affair it will allow me to be in control, and if he found out, he would understand my position with his affair. It could do more harm than good, but I’ve suffered a lot these past two yrs, and he needs a taste of what I endured, especially if he avoids talking about it – which helps me. I need continued remorse, I need him to hurt like I have. Maybe I am especially angry today, which I have my days, but that’s what I want and need.

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