I did something risky yesterday and some of you may disagree with what I did and others may read this and be happy. I called the AP’s soon-to-be ex-husband. There have been so many questions in my head about his AP that I needed affirmation of what was true and not true. Honestly, I wanted to contact him for a while so that I could get answers to my questions but I was hesitant to draw him in at all.
Friday night I did a Google search for his name because I knew I could find his cell phone number on the web. Google’s number one search for his name was something different than I expected–it was a 5K race he ran in September of 2011. I went to the website curious to see which 5K he ran and imagine my surprise when I saw his wife (my husband’s AP) had run the same 5K. Now, my husband slept with her for the first time in the beginning of September 2011. According to my husband, she told her husband their marriage was over in July/August of 2011 and he had moved out of the house at that point. She then began pursuing my husband with great persistance–telling him he was going to have sex with her because it was meant to be. So why would she run a 5K with her husband if she just separated from him? Especially since she claimed he was emotionally abusive to her–why would you subject yourself to being near him? And then my mind started remembering that she had given us a Christmas card in 2011 that was signed from her and her husband and their girls. Why would you sign a holiday card from your husband if you are separated? Wouldn’t you just write: Love, The Smith Family? My head was spinning and I asked my husband if it would bother me to contact her ex. My husband said that he preferred I did not draw him into our lives but understood if I needed to talk to him.
To keep the rest of my story clear I will be referring to my husband’s AP as Bat-Shit and her husband as Larry.
So I arranged a conversation Larry for Saturday afternoon. I drove to Starbucks, bought my usual latte and sat in the parking lot and dialed his phone number. I was shaking but I knew there was really nothing he could tell me that would set me back. [If you haven’t read the rest of my story, I texted Larry three times post D-Day to tell him what was going on. At that time I believed they were still married and living together but my first text back from him revealed that they were separated.] So here I was sitting in my car, nervous and shaking when I heard him answer his phone. I knew that if I only asked him one question it was how did their marriage end and when did he move out. What I found out was so un-f-ing believable. I couldn’t even script this shit.
Larry began to tell me that his marriage had been over for years but he stayed for his children. He begged to go to therapy but Bat-Shit was never willing to go. She bought self-help books and then wouldn’t read them. Their marriage was unhappy from the beginning and during their engagement he tried to end things twice but Bat-Shit insisted they get married. He then told me he moved out the first week of July, which seemed to jive somewhat with what my husband was told. I then asked about how I had met them in July 2011 and were they already separated? He responded: “What? No, I moved out in July of 2012. Just this past summer.”
WHAT?! She had told my husband that she had asked Larry to move out in late July/August of 2011 and that Larry had agreed to move out. I have emails from my husband to Bat-Shit asking how she was doing since Larry moved out; how was it for her to see him at parent-teacher night at their kids’ school since they were separated; she was so lonely during the holidays all alone. All lies. She told my husband she was separated from Larry to get my husband into bed.
Larry told me he suspected they were sleeping together (He never felt the need to tell me!?!) and confronted Bat-Shit continuously throughout the year of the affair. She denied, denied, denied. He had a vasectomy in 2008 and Bat-Shit went back on the pill during the affair. He questioned it and asked her if she was f-ing my husband. The affair took place at his home and in his bed 99% of the time. Not only was she lying to my husband to get his sympathy, she didn’t care if Larry caught them in bed together. Most of my husband’s interaction with her was trying to be her friend in a rough time where her mean-big-bad husband had left her. My husband stayed with her so long because he felt bad for her, he felt guilty walking away and thought it would be easier for her to move on first… essentially, my husband fell for her lies completely.
I also wanted to ask him about Bat-Shit’s former job because it didn’t jive with me. He revealed that she worked at her job until she had her first child in 2003 and then she took 6 1/2 years off. Her resume states very clearly that she worked at this company for fifteen years. If you subtract six years off of that she would have had to begin working at the job at 13 years old. Then he revealed that she only worked there part-time (averaging about 20-24 hours/week) from 2009-2012. She told my husband she worked full-time and made $90K/year. Her husband revealed that the most she ever made was $42K when she worked full-time. More lies. More lies she told to get my husband’s attention. Because her job was how she first established “common” interests with my husband.
Larry then told me about Bat-Shit’s personality history. How when she was in high school it is widely know that she began to dress like the popular girl, Jen, impersonating her and styling her hair to match. Then in college she admired her wealthy, spoiled roommate who happened to be about 30 pounds heavier than Bat-Shit. Bat-Shit put on 30 pounds in less than four months, began dressing like her roommate and acting like her. Larry then asked me if I was aware that Bat-Shit was stalking me on Pinterest. He told me that he saw her on my Pinterest account once and asked what she was doing. He noticed that her “new” persona began to resemble me–who she knew my husband loved. And, to be honest, I was surprised that Larry even knew what Pinterest was. But he told me about Bat-Shit’s newfound interests and how she spent about $10,000 last year on new clothes, home decor, etc. I asked him if he was aware that she bought my husband a $300 iPod? He said he couldn’t keep up with the amount of money she was spending and wasn’t surprised. I guess I don’t live in a household where hundred-dollar gifts can be purchased without my knowledge. I just don’t approve of superfluous spending. I’m a saver and I always have been.
My last question to Larry was why did he think she did this? I have struggled with this because for me, there is some comfort in knowing a person’s intent. Larry said that he believes she wanted my husband and my life. She wanted him to leave me and create a life with her. Who knows if he’s right… but the shoe seems to fit. The thing is she always told my husband during the affair that she was okay with the fact that my husband told her that he would never leave me, never. She seemed to be okay with him telling her that he loved me.
I got off the phone with him almost two hours later. I drove straight to my husband’s business and told him everything. All the lies and more lies. I made him swear that she told him Larry had moved out in the summer of 2011 and he swore to me that he’s told me everything he knew. He said he doesn’t think he could have ever had sex with her or much less in that house if he knew that Larry still lived there. He looked at me and said “You shouldn’t be so surprised by this information. Everything you thought about her was true. You saw through her from the beginning. I just don’t know why I couldn’t see it.” But I am surprised. I am surprised that she is sincerely and certifiable Bat-Shit Crazy. All this time there was a part of me that wondered if she was as pathetic and pitiful as she portrayed herself to my husband. Now I know that it was all a ploy to draw him in. But why? What about my husband made her want to destroy our marriage? And what was she going to do if he did leave me? What was she going to do if I did find out before her husband had moved out? What were all the lies intended to create for her? Here’s the thing. If my husband had left me for her–wasn’t she worried about him discovering the truth? Wasn’t she concerned about the fact that she lives in a small town that would not embrace the idea of two broken families? I don’t get it.
I guess, I hope she’s moved on to her next victim. I asked my husband if we could get a restraining order but he feels like we are seven months from D-Day and nothing has happened and nothing will. I suppose he could be right but I feel like she could be waiting me out or thinking that once the dust settles she can go back to walking into my husband’s business. Larry put it best yesterday when he said: “She has more balls than brains.”
Bat-Shit is a true sociopath.