Sex, Emotion, and Addiction

I’ve always considered myself to be an emotionally intelligent person. By that, I mean that I am able to identify and manage my emotional state, as well as, the ability to use emotional understanding in my day-to-day interaction with others. D-day was like throwing every emotion I ever felt and some I never imagined, into a blender and pressing “Shred.” I didn’t know what to feel anymore because what was happening in my life was not in my realm of probability. It was this feeling of emotional paralysis. I remember crying but I also remember just lying in bed blankly staring at nothing for hours with no energy or drive to do much else. This activity consumed me at times when I wasn’t running children around or pretending to be fine for an audience. For the first time in my life, my emotions were consuming me, dictating me, and hurting me. Hurt seems like such a wimpy word. I could say destroying but my emotions did not end me.

This is why hysterical bonding feels so good. With every orgasm it triggers the brain chemical dopamine to be released, creating a reward circuit in the brain: Dopamine = Pleasure = “Important” -> Do this again. Quickly, sex with our whealing after my husband's affairayward spouses becomes a way to diminish the emotional impact and damage from their affairs. Isn’t that a bit convoluted? We are having sex to feel better about them having sex with another person. While it makes sense that we are reprogramming our wayward spouses’ brains to be rewarded by having sex with us (not their  affair partners), we are also changing our brains to have sex when we feel emotionally exploited.

Personally, I do believe that hysterical bonding was a way of veiling my emotional pain. How else can I explain wanting – no needing – sex seven or more times a day? I was on an emotional rollercoaster and sex became my drug. I was vulnerable and sex was my remedy. After all, the brain can only feel or think one thing at a time. So I was replacing my emotional pain with physical pleasure, telling my brain: “this is what’s important. Do this again if you want to feel good.”

I was watching a documentary on drug addiction the other day with my family. The parallels to substance abuse and the actions of a cheating spouse are resolute. But what I didn’t expect to hear was that my actions, as a betrayed spouse, since D-day also strongly align with addiction too. Trying to find a definition for addiction online I found this:

Research on the brain indicates that addiction is about powerful memories, and recovery is a slow process in which the influence of those memories is diminished.

Just like a drug, I eventually became tolerant to the “high” from sex and needed more. When I look back at the past year I can see myself struggling to just feel normal again. Most of the time, normal meant feeling anything but the pain associated with my husband’s affair. I really thought I had accepted the affair as part of my story but I guess I hadn’t because I began searching for a new high. I needed someone or something to fill the void and mask my emotional pain. I started putting myself in situations that tested me just to get that high. During the past year I have been forced to deal with my emotions and accept the affair because I no longer felt that rush from sex.

healing-after-my-husband's-affairThere is a fear rooted deep within my story and healing. My husband’s infidelity broke me but I have been persistently rebuilding, reconstructing myself in hopes of being stronger, smarter, and to live more passionately without regret. All these words often just mask a greater fear within me. A fear that at the end of this journey, I will still be broken or discover those missing pieces were more important than I realized. Recovering and healing from the pain of this affair is not just mind-over-matter or a matter of will-power, it is about transforming my mind, body and life to create a new set of experiences for my brain to register as important and pleasurable. This journey is about patience and understanding that an emotional relapse (e.g. checking my husband’s email) is not to be taken personally. With the passage of time memories will begin to fade and the emotions will no longer trigger my fear.

Am I harboring resentment from the way he treated me during his affair?

The primal questions of a marriage: What are you thinking? How are you feeling? What have we done to each other? What will we do? 

-Nick Dunne, Gone Girl Movie

Last night my husband and I watched Gone Girl. I started reading the book the summer before my D-day, but for some reason I never got further than the first two chapters. I might be the only woman in America that didn’t realize the movie plot was surrounded by infidelity. If you peel away the movie layers and focus on the infidelity – it hit a little close to home for me.  I think my husband and both froze when Amy said: “Want to test your marriage for weak spots? Add one recession, subtract two jobs. It’s surprisingly effective.”

As we walked out of the theater my husband said: “I guess I’m lucky.” And I responded: “Lucky, I’m not a psychopath? Yes.” I changed the subject, not because it was uncomfortable but because I didn’t want to change the mood of our evening. There are times when I really don’t feel like talking about the affair.

This morning as I woke up and the movie was still fresh on my mind I thought about the affair portrayed in the movie. It was relatable. Feeling used for sex. Feeling like something that was “ours” was no longer private. I could feel myself almost go blank, if that makes sense. It’s as if in order not to feel sadness or depressed about the past I need to go numb to the pain of the affair. The movie evoked feelings that still make me uncomfortable even if our marriage no longer resembles the shell it was during his affair. Why? I am still vulnerable to the way I felt during his affair. Not his affair, not the affair partner, but the way I felt about my marriage and my husband, and the way he treated me during the affair.

I amresentment not sure if I am harboring resentment or it’s just some form of post-traumatic stress disorder. I have made peace with what he has done and his relationship with Bat Shit. What I am struggling to let go of is the way he treated me. I felt diminished, I felt unappreciated, I felt disregarded, and I felt used. And it still haunts me. There are days when I just feel this divide – whether it’s real or imagined, I don’t know – but it renders me defeated. I don’t know how to function when he is having an off day or maybe he just needs time to himself. For me, it’s a trigger to the past, how I felt during the affair. And I question how I manage this too because I approach it as a mind-over-matter issue. Just focus on what is real, what is important, and not how you feel in this moment. I assume I am projecting his mood onto my own fears and emotions I would rather leave in the past. Then I fear, that’s how I dealt with those emotions during the affair – I didn’t acknowledge them then.

Resentment. I honestly don’t know if that’s what I feel or not. Do I resent my husband for what he did and how he treated me? I want to say no but I can’t say for certain. I just looked up the definition of the word resentment as I am typing. It’s possible I am.

resentment

/rɪˈzɛntmənt/

noun

the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person,etc., regarded as causing injury or insult.

This too shall pass and you will be okay again

Immediately after my D-Day I was searching for the answers to questions I didn’t even have yet. I wanted to be validated, heard and know that there were women that survived infidelity. In the beginning I felt isolated and alone. I had no idea that I was joining a silent alliance of betrayed women. I had no idea infidelity was so commonplace. It’s possible I just had the misfortune of discovering the truth. Up until September 22, 2012 infidelity and betrayal was foreign to me. Affairs were reserved for the covers of magazines at the grocery store and the few broken marriages I knew of in my town. Pre-D-day, affairs = divorce. It had been ingrained into my head that an affair breaks the couple and eventually ends the marriage, women should not forgive a cheating husband because their behavior will repeat itself in time.

Betrayal Healing After My Husband's AffairThen, my D-Day happened. I was hurt, destroyed, and in pain, and I wasn’t sure if my marriage was over or not. I Googled questions and words and finally found a women that instructed me on what to ask my husband first: 

Did you do this because you wanted to end our marriage?

My husband’s answer was: “No.” I think he was actually shocked that I asked him that question. I imagine in his mind he was afraid that my knowledge of his affair was the end of our marriage for me. We sat at our dining room table when I asked that question. He sat with his shoulders down, fear and shame covering his face. I sat with blood-shot eyes, anger and sadness upon my face. I look back now on that moment and realize we both had no idea what to do next. We both wanted our marriage to continue but both of us feared the worst.

My Google searches eventually brought me to WordPress. I found countless blogs about betrayal. I found blogs written by betrayed wives, affair partners and wayward spouses. I had to learn a new language (AP, BS, OS, OW, D-Day, etc). I learned all the acronyms. Infidelity recovery is an underground movement. One that is amazingly strong but entirely clandestine. I wrote my first words about my husband affair on this blog. I hoped someone would hear me, respond, and let me know there was life after an affair. I needed to know I was not alone. Just like so many of my readers, I felt like I was treading water and I was afraid I might drown in my pain and sadness. It took the writer a few days to respond to me. She gave me a list of five things I needed to do and one item my husband needed to do on his own. I read her list repetitively and soaked in every word she wrote. I felt her instructions were my new Bible. Luckily, her advice was solid. [I only hope that I can give half the advice she succinctly gave me in five bullet-ed points.]

Eventually, I started my own blog and followed a few blogs including Surviving an Affair and Rescuing My Marriage. Months later, I saw on my reader feed that the Rescuing My Marriage blogger was going to be a guest on a conference call with Anne Brecht, the author of My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me. I marked my calendar and told my husband I had to participate in this conference call. The night of the phone call I gathered all the house phones in the house (so that no child could listen in accidentally on this call) and sat in my bedroom. I was half excited and half afraid of what I might hear on the conference call. I recall Anne talking about affair recovery being one of the most challenging traumas to overcome. She spoke of women who have dealt with incurable disease diagnoses, tragedy and death before infidelity. Each of these women claimed that the betrayal from their spouse’s infidelity was the most difficult. At the time those words seemed a bit far-fetched but they were comforting to hear. What I was feeling might be the worst thing I will ever experience in my life. Ever since I heard those words I have questioned the validity of that statement. Perhaps it is true but I hope to never know.

Infidelity brings out the worst in people. Infidelity shames the couple. My husband’s affair made me feel as though I was an incompetent wife. If I had only done “XYZ” then he wouldn’t have cheated. Even as we try to rebuild our marriage I receive messages from Other Women telling me I am a fool for staying in my marriage and that my husband will never be faithful. Infidelity made me hide from family and friends. I didn’t want anyone to see my pain, depression and the uncertainty in my life. I didn’t want anyone to know my husband cheated. I hid my suffering to protect my marriage. Infidelity divides people. For some reason, people feel inclined to take sides and make judgments on the couple and their marriage. Infidelity is difficult to forgive so I chose to tell no one in order to not have to manage other people’s perceptions, opinions and advice. Infidelity pushed me into a dark hole and made me feel more isolated than ever before in my life. The one person I thought I could always trust was suddenly and inexplicably untrustworthy. 

Moreover, I no longer trusted myself. I believed with all my being that my life was what it appeared to be. I began living in safe mode. It’s like I pressed F8 the morning I woke up as a betrayed spouse. When I discovered my husband’s affair I was devastated and even if I discovered another element to the affair or received bad news, I was already suffering. There were days I thought I would welcome death. While that statement is absolute truth, I feel self-conscious admitting it. I never wanted to hurt myself but in the beginning stages of discovering my husband’s affair I felt dead inside, numb to my life. It took time but it’s difficult to live in a box. I feared living outside of safe mode to avoid being vulnerable again. As my life moved forward the pain subsided.The haze lifted and I believe now, perhaps, this is my new normal. 

I write this post for every woman (or man) that has just discovered the affair. The betrayed spouse who has just discovered this is their new identity. The pain you feel will subside with time. You will know what to do in time. Trust yourself.

Empty Spaces Healing After My Husband's Affair

Thoughts for today

I know it’s been a while since I last posted. I keep beginning to write and walking away. But today I was thinking about this journey and realizing how it all began. One of my biggest struggles over the past year (+) has been accepting that my marriage may not have been as perfect as I thought. I spent over ten years believing that my marriage was special, better than most and rock-solid. I was one of those people who rolled their eyes when someone said: “marriage is hard work.” I whole-heartedly believed that marriage was only hard-work for those who probably shouldn’t have been married in the first place. So should I add my name to that list? Maybe.

The truth is I was naïve. I grew up believing in fairytale romance. I fell head-over-heels in love with my husband from the start. Whenever we recount our first meeting we both say it was love at first sight. Not some crazy, unrealistic love but the understanding that something real and life-changing was beginning. I believed in true love, destiny, and fate. I believed that good always conquered evil. I believed that the prince defeated the evil witch in the name of love. Most of all, my beliefs were a security blanket from all the fears and insecurities I feel now.

In the beginning of my love story, I forgave and understood mistakes more easily. I believed that love was more powerful than me/us and sometimes those beliefs allowed me displace blame when something went wrong. I kept a diary during the entire dating period of our relationship. My diary was a security blanket for me. A place for me to store my thoughts, fears, hopes and dreams. I stopped writing in a diary after we were married. I look back and wonder if I stopped writing because I was too busy and exhausted or because I no longer felt the need to store my thoughts on the pages of a book. It’s also possible I was afraid to express that I had any fears or frustrations because we were perfect for each other. If I wrote down on paper that something wasn’t perfect then I would need to accept it. Then what? Even more interesting, I started writing this blog shortly after D-Day; a journal open to anyone to read. Why was I willing to expose my fears, insecurities and failures after my life’s most tragic experience? Maybe I wanted some confirmation that I wasn’t alone. My new security blanket.

failureI realize now that my husband’s affair wasn’t my choice but I indirectly share part of the blame. In the beginning of our relationship my husband often put me second. Not with his heart but with his actions. He’s older than me and he had a career. At the time, it seemed perfectly reasonable for him to be late because of work commitments. I wanted him to be successful so I often allowed myself to take a backseat. Then we married and had a family. He clearly loved me and was devoted to me but he was also dedicated to whatever job he had at the time. He sometimes missed family celebrations, holidays, birthdays and weddings. Everyone understood. His career required him to work odd schedules; weekends and holidays weren’t always a given. He was willing to sacrifice being present in our lives for his career. Family and friends became accustomed to me attending events alone. People joked that my husband was imaginary and it bothered me but I knew he loved me. We were soul mates so it didn’t matter if he missed Christmas with his family or our niece’s baptism. I rarely pushed back. In fact, early in our relationship I decided I didn’t want to miss out on events. Regardless of whether my husband could attend I went to everything I could. Being present and supportive for my family and friends is something I hold sacred. Ironically, I wonder if it’s because that is something that I’ve never received from my most significant relationships.

Through the years, our perfect relationship/marriage was built on this tacit agreement that my husband may not always be available but his love would always be genuine. When I went back to work I also invested myself into my job. The kids came first in my life but I invested too much of my energy into my job. It was easy though. My husband was working again, the kids were all in full-time school and I was being rewarded for doing an outstanding job at work. I was earning bonuses, raises and promotions. I had watched my husband invest his time and energy in his career for over fifteen years and now it was my turn. Except my husband saw my commitment to my work as a reflection of how I felt about him. In a way, he could dish it out but he couldn’t take it. I became aware during the time of my husband’s affair that our marriage was not perfect. It’s funny because if I had listened to myself I would have known immediately he was cheating. I told a girlfriend one month before his affair became sexual that my husband and I weren’t connecting on an intimate level anymore. She convinced me we needed a romantic weekend away but we weren’t able to take it until the next summer. That happened to be the weekend getaway when my husband realized how much I loved him and I was attracted to him except he was almost a year in to his adulterous affair.

Marriage is work. It can both strengthen and break us. I spent the first ten years of my marriage believing it was easy because I married my soul mate. I don’t know if I even believe in having a soul mate anymore but I do believe that we are all human. We are all capable of failure even in our most sacred relationships. Often our failures are rooted in our own hesitation, insecurities and doubt. I had a false sense of security for almost my entire adult life. Tragically, that security is what was lost in my husband’s affair. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever recover that feeling of safety or if the loss is just part of life. Maybe as we grow older we shed our childish beliefs and the harsh reality is there is no security blanket large enough to keep us forever safe. I know when my husband holds me close in bed I’ve never felt more safe but life can’t be lived in a bed. I am beginning to accept that I need to be the one providing my security blanket. Step-by-step I’m reconstructing my life and relationships with the hope that I will be stronger and better than before. I need to have faith in myself and not in the ideas of soul mates, fate and destiny.

terrible

2014: The Year of Release from the Past

2013

The past month has flown by with the blink of an eye. It’s hard to believe that tonight I will be toasting in 2014 and letting go of 2013. I am surprised how much I am looking forward to putting 2013 behind me and moving on.

Over the past week I’ve been thinking about where I feel stuck and why I still find myself struggling with the affair at times. Looking at my life right now I am happy, content and there is a sense of appreciation that I’ve never experienced before. I appreciate and express my gratitude openly for my husband, my children and myself. Yet, there are still moments when I struggle and find my eyes filling with tears for the aspects of my life that I did not choose, the husband I never expected to betray me, the feeling that there is something lost or maybe it was missing all along. I’m not sure anymore. The struggles are rooted in pain but I know this pain is in my past. The affair is in the past. So why do I feel like the past defines the present? Why can’t I just let the past live where it belongs?

There are moments when my husband’s affair is like dark shadow that looms over my happiness. It makes me question him despite his actions today. He is doing almost everything right. Trust is just so difficult to earn back. Following the moments I am most vulnerable I fall apart. There is an element of fear that still dwells deep within me but I am beginning to see this fear is rooted in nothing.

I told my husband once that I never thought once he would cheat on me I always believed he was a better person than me. He was surprised to hear me say that. I’m not sure why but I really believed that he made me a better, stronger, more intelligent person. He was some form of inspiration for me. I never wanted to let him down because he believed in me. I believed he was the perfect man for me.

Now I doubt that last sentence. Could he possibly be the perfect man or husband for me if he cheated? I think my belief that he was my perfect match pushed me away from discovering the truth sooner than I did. I can look back at the time he was cheating and pinpoint dates that I questioned myself, our marriage and I was struggling… but I never questioned him until the affair was practically in front of my face. I couldn’t let go of my vision of him. This vision of a man who loved me with an affection only poets wrote about hundreds of years ago. The irony? I think he believed the same thing; he believed he loved me more than any man had ever loved another woman. Yet his love failed us both when it was challenged.

But we must move forward. I realize that so much of how we judge our lives and the people in it is by their past. When the pain resurfaces from the affair and I cannot help but see my husband for what he has done—betrayed our marriage, our friendship, and our family. It’s so hard in those moments of pain to be present.

To be right here in this moment.

Pain keeps me from being present in my own life and I am tired of it. I am looking at 2014 and I am hopeful that I can leave the pain from our past where it belongs. I want to shed the pain like a heavy coat and be the woman I am meant to be.

I want to live for today, not yesterday. I want to leave the demons in the past and release their control over me.

2014 will be a year of release. I am releasing myself from my past. I don’t need to go back to the beginning anymore. There is nothing in my past that can change my story today.

Happy New Year. Cheers!

Happy New Year

Peace of Mind After the Affair

Live in joy, in peace, even among those who hate.

-Buddha

A few months ago I gave my husband a gift of fortunes. Every week or so he picks one out and places it out on my bedside table. The other day I noticed he had chosen a new “fortune” and the quote from Buddha (above) was resting there for me to read. I am not sure how he picked it or if he knew this was the comfort I needed. Sometimes, the significance of a small gesture cannot be measured.

Much of my healing from my husband’s infidelity is dealing with hate. I felt so much hate for what happened, for my husband’s actions, for his AP and her egocentric agenda. I think I spent the first forty-eight hours after my discovery screaming that I hated my husband. I would drive in my car alone and scream at the top of my lungs while tears ran down my cheeks. It was my first reaction but it didn’t last long. In our first couple’s counseling session I told our therapist that I hated what my husband did but I did not hate him. My husband hated himself at that time and couldn’t understand how or why I did not hate him. The hate shifted through the year and then dwindled, although I knew an element of hate for Bat Shit had lingered inside me.

Betrayal breeds hate. Even a year later, there is so much that I have made peace with but I haven’t been able to abandon my hatred of Bat Shit. Possibly because I haven’t been able to get closure with her—really give her a piece of my mind. I have so many imaginary conversations in my mind where I tell Bat Shit everything stored up in my brain. In reality, I know speaking to her would be a waste of my breath but I often forget that she doesn’t have the same set of emotions or the conscience of a healthy-minded human. Also, I am just not a mean person. As much as I think there would be some satisfaction in being able to hurt Bat Shit with my words, I am choosing to walk away with my head held high. I won’t lower myself to her level.

The hatred I first felt was born from my pain. Just like a wound that scabs over, my pain has been healing and the scab is barely visible now. Sometimes I forget the wound is even there. Instead of reopening the wound I need to move forward.  I need to accept that there is hatred in the world and choose not to be brought down by it. I will protect myself and my children from the hatred.

I realize that I was blissfully unaware of the hatred that existed around me before the affair. I could only see what was in my life. I couldn’t imagine that anyone would ever disrupt my joy or happiness. I forgot that evil exists in this world. I forgot that wolves often dress in sheep’s clothing. I forgot that my husband exists separately from me. He can succeed or fail of his own accord. As the U2 lyric states: We are one but we are not the same. Each of us possess the power to f*!$ up. It’s up to those who love us to determine if they can forgive, heal and move on if we do screw up.

I’ve entered into that moving on stage. Part of moving on for me will be accepting my hatred of Bat Shit but not allowing that hatred to penetrate the rest of my life. About ten years ago I had to let go of a friend because she was mean (for lack of a better word). She used to put me down to make herself feel better. For years I allowed her to say nasty things to me because I felt bad for her. She was the type of friend you were never sure what you were going to do that might piss her off. My point is, there was hatred that exuded from this friend and whether I saw it or not, it was having a negative effect on me. Our friendship ended silently. There was no fight, no discussion. Nothing happened, it just ended and we went our separate ways. It was a relief when things ended because she had been slowly stealing from my happiness. I look at Bat Shit very similarly. My husband said he was relieved when I found out about the affair. Bat Shit was a predator of his (and our) happiness. I get it now. There are just some people out there in the world that have the power to suck the life out of you. I have been allowing Bat Shit to prey on my happiness by preserving this hatred. I am cutting the cord. I am releasing my hatred and anger and sending it back to her. I am not going to Google her name or care about what she is doing. I am done caring and wasting my energy on her. She has no power over me now.

My life needs to be focused on all that is good and brings me joy. This is where I will find peace. (Again.)

Buddha-quote-peace-comes-from-within-

Taking Control of My Emotional Memory

stones

Some days are diamonds, some days are stones.

-John Denver

I am a collection of memories. My life experience and my emotional memory about those experiences form[ed] my personality. When I recall hanging upside on the monkey bars with my friends or winning my first dance competition the emotions from those memories are happy and fill me with a rush of endorphins. I remember how blessed I was to have a carefree childhood surrounded by a tightknit family and good friendships that continue today. Then there are negative experiences that can transport me back to a feeling of fear or anxiety like a flick of a switch. I remember as a teenager babysitting this little boy who was riding his bike down a hill too fast. The bike flipped over and the five year old boy was thrown onto the pavement head first and he wasn’t wearing a helmet. Immediately an egg-shaped bruise puffed out from his forehead and I panicked, sweeping him into my arms and rushing him back to the house for an ice compress. The little boy was fine but I found myself panicking about what could have happened to him for years after the accident. I would lie in bed remembering his fall and think of what could have happened and cry. It took me years to forgive myself for that incident.

As a side note, that little boy is now out of college and very successful.

The brain stores information and the emotions we attach to this information, whether we like it or not. Most betrayed wives suffer from PTSD because an affair is a highly traumatic event. I trusted my husband more than anyone in this world and he betrayed, lied and deceived me for a year. He chose these actions and while he was involved neglected to see how his relationship with another woman had anything to do with me or our marriage. It takes a very unhealthy brain to treat someone you love like this. But what about my emotional stability now that the affair is over and we are rebuilding our relationship?

Emotional memories trigger in our brains automatically. I see the letter J and I am reminded of his AP because her name begins with J and that’s how she signed all her emails to him. Last week, my husband asked what all the J’s at the end of my emails represent. I hadn’t realized until he asked that his email converted all my smiley faces to J’s. So now I was signing all my emails the same way she had signed hers to him. He never made that connection—but I did. Trigger. When he’s frustrated with a project she used to voluntarily do for him at his work (despite them not working together), I am triggered. My husband and I always refer to his AP as Bat Shit and he texted her actual name the other day in a message about finding out she was asked to resign from her job. I was happy with the news I heard but triggered that he wrote her real name. In calling her Bat Shit I am trying to disassociate her real name with an emotion. But there it is again.

starting-overI read this article earlier this week and I recommend reading it for both betrayed and wayward spouses. The psychologist notes that when your brain is triggered by a negative emotional memory you have 60-120 seconds to stop the onset of the emotional pain. Distract yourself with a positive thought, pinch your ear, move your body—do something to stop the pain from connecting to that word, thought or place. In many ways I’ve already been practicing this theory and it works. I agree whole-heartedly that it only takes a minute to sink into an emotional depression from a trigger. If I allow the stream-of-thought to continue—it will. But I told my husband last night that the thoughts are constant throughout my day. I liken it to a light switch being flicked on in my brain automatically, like a motion sensor, and I am reaching up all day long and flicking the switch back off. It’s tiring. The switch is thrown on less and less these days but it’s still happening and I hate it.

The author of this article also recommends renaming the people, time and events from your trauma with humorous names. That is why we call his AP Bat Shit. It’s both funny and accurate. I am starting to wonder if I should rename his affair. I was thinking of calling it Misery, like the Stephen King book. Maybe I should stop saying “AP” and call her “BS” (Bat Shit). The truth is I am going to meet people with Bat Shit’s real name throughout my life. What am I going to do? Hate them all? I have to admit I didn’t interview a person for a job at my company because she had the same name as BS. I told myself she wasn’t qualified enough anyhow but really, is this how I will live the rest of my life? It doesn’t seem practical. What seems more practical is to alter my emotional memory. A few months ago Green with Envy blogger, Leise posted a video about the same concept. Retell your past so that you can take control of your memories for your own emotional stability and health. It may seem silly but I’ve suffered a traumatic event in my life and I cannot allow my emotions surrounding the Misery control me forever. I need to take control.

So I am trying to move forward. There’s a quote out there on Pinterest that reads something like: “You can’t begin a new story if you keep retelling the old one.” I saw it once and forgot to pin it and now I can’t find it again. Regardless, the point is I want to move on but my brain keeps pulling me back. So I am going to focus on developing a healthy mindset and recreating my emotional memories so they benefit me and no one else.

My life is my story and it belongs to me. Some days may be stones but I will take those stones and paint them to match my story. In my story I am the heroine and I will be victorious.