“I fell apart, and I survived”

c703fee12ef1a6dbf67106408e55054aWe all have days that mark different moments in our lives. Some of those days are remembered for joy and others for devastation. Today is a marker for me.

Six years ago I felt my world implode. I was utterly devastated, confused, and broken when I discovered my husband’s affair. As I type these words, my memory surges and the pain I haven’t felt all day is now lingering in the back of my mind… the back of my throat… like a dark shadow that can flood my being at any moment. But I’m okay. I’m really okay.

Six years later and my emotional attachment to my D-day is no longer a weight. Today could have gone the other direction completely. For starters, the exact day of the week aligns with my D-day in 2012. The other strange piece is that my husband is, once again, away on a camping trip just like he was six years ago. I spent a lot of time alone today just like I did six years ago. But I was okay. I haven’t cried. I haven’t been sad or melancholy.

I worry that an emotional detachment from my D-day is signifying something is wrong. Lately, it feels as though my marriage has slipped into that comfortable place it was before he cheated. Sometimes I worry that I am sharing everything with him – but is he sharing everything with me? I notice how much I talk and how much I feel the need to fill the silence. I also notice how much he doesn’t share with me and that I have to probe to find out what is going on during his day. I try not to be suspicious, but I am. I try to trust, but I don’t think I can give trust completely. I live in this space of uncertainty – can I trust him? Is he faithful? Were there other women before Bat Shit? I try not to dwell in this dark space. I find myself asking if I should even care if there are other women because he’s here with me.

That. Is. Fucked. Up. Or is it my reality?

During the last six years I’ve experienced the most rickety emotional roller coaster ride. Surviving an affair is no small feat. Every day I think about all the women out there that are on this ride with me – whether we know we are on it together or not. I think about how hard that first month was after my D-day. I didn’t know if I wanted to live. I just kept waking up each day and focusing on getting through each day. Survival mode.

I was naive once. I believed love equaled faithfulness. I believed marriage was pure. I believed my husband loved me more than I loved him, which meant he could never hurt me and never, ever cheat. I had chosen him time and again. Now I know he didn’t always chose me.

This post is feeling really glum and I that wasn’t my intention when I opened my laptop and started to write. The reality is that on this day, six years ago in the wee hours of the night… my heart stopped and it’s never truly beat to the same rhythm again.

Yes, I am happy.

Yes, my life is blessed.

But my heart beats differently now.


89 thoughts on ““I fell apart, and I survived”

  1. Sorry in advance for such a long post….
    I just want to say thank you for your blog.
    I found you back in July 2017 after discovering my husband’s betrayal.
    Although my story is slightly different to a lot on here.
    I have been with my hubby for 15 years (married for 8) we have children 2 of which are on the autistic spectrum.
    My hubby lost his beloved grandad and spent 2 years in a spiral of depression and anxiety and self medication with cannabis.
    He did shift work and unbeknown to me, met a woman/whore (I use that term lightly and you will understand why soon)
    1 morning in June I found cannabis in his pocket and was disappointed.. when confronted he shut down completely and I stood looking at my husband the stranger.
    After 5 days of being blanked I couldn’t deal with it any more and told him I refused to be disrespected.
    He told me he was going to stay with a male friend to sort himself out once and for all.
    He was gone for 6 weeks, in that 6 weeks we saw him nearly every day, he told me he missed me and loved me and was trying his hardest. He came off antidepressants as they made him detach. He took me out for dinner and drinks to repair our marriage.
    I asked him to come home…..and we set a date.
    Before that date 1 morning I got missed calls on my phone and then a text from this woman telling me about my husband and wishing me luck. She sent me photos and screen shots of texts and said she was his “girlfriend”
    I went into shock as I drove to her house to catch him there.
    She stood there the whole time smirking at me and brazenly told me she always knew he was married…
    The most devastating day of my life….
    I found out she had been hounding him for months, doing shift swaps to get closer to him, texting him inappropriate messages and nog taking no for an answer, when I found the cannabis she told him he could stay with her, she even bought him copious amounts to keep him happy, she even threw his wedding ring away.
    I let him move home…. to repair our marriage….
    He was loving and attentive and apologetic. I realised our situation was circumstantial…. it was hard but I thought we would get through it….
    I did a bit of detective work and heard “she had form” and wasn’t liked but no one would elaborate….

    Fast forward to this year…
    I had a feeling I couldn’t shake…
    Intuition is a woman’s super power…
    I had 1 digital eye on her… something wasn’t right….
    I felt like I was on a cliff edge and she was there waiting to push……

    I discovered things she was posting on social media..directed at me… goading me…. telling me my husband had been cheating on me for 2 months… calling out my own social media posts, she had been watching me all along….
    I confronted my husband and to sag I lost the plot was an understatement and I threw him out…
    The truth then came out…
    She had started doing shift swaps again and contacting him… in a state telling him how much she loved him and how he has ruined her…. he felt bad and they met up to talk in which she booked a hotel room. Tried to convince him that she could give him everything blah blah blah…
    He met with her 2 times after that and then told her that he loves his wife and they don’t have a future together to which she flipped.
    She contacted him every day…. all day…
    She black mailed him and kept repeating our address over and over…
    She was unstable…
    And then the social media posts because she wouldn’t take no for an answer…

    All this information was too much for me to handle. He begged me to not give up on him and he will prove he isn’t the man he has portrayed himself to be….
    I was diagnosed with PTSD after I had detached from reality and the trauma stopped me from sleeping and eating and in a constant state of fear I tried to take my own life……(very nearly sucessfully)
    My husband hunted me down and took me to A&E.

    I know what everyone is thinking…how do I know he was being truthful and this whore is vengeful and spiteful???
    Because it came out that in the past 10 years she has done this to 6 other marriages….. same thing…same behaviours and same destruction….
    We have had 5 months of bliss…he changed his phone number (we don’t live together) we spent every day together and has been like the man I married but only last month the whore has reared her ugly head again….. this time with fake text messages claiming they spent the night together (on a night that he was with me) and she has begun court proceedings to the small claims court for money she spent back 18months ago and these fake texts are proof that he owes this money… again more social media posts…
    He is adamant that he has had no contact with her… that he hates her and hopes she gets her just dues…

    Turns out she has done this exact same thing before too and fake texts (who even knew this was a thing???)(and how is an app like this legal?) And who knew Apple to Apple calls, texts and imessage doesn’t show up on itemized bills…. and then she plays the victim….(she plays it very well)
    We have been to the police twice…can’t do anything… he has been to HR twice….and he has changed his phone number yet again…

    My story is different… very traumatic and something out of a Hollywood plot…
    There are people that walk this earth that think married people are fair game and set out to get that person for themselves no matter what and no matter who gets hurt….
    What the future holds I don’t know….. but I’m more scared that there are people out there that are that malicious, calculating and vindictive than the people that actually cheat…….

    Thank you for your blog, at the time I desperately wanted to know that I wasn’t alone and that my pain wasn’t unique… another song for your play list…
    Sam Smith not the only one….

    Sending love, strength and understanding to anyone who finds themself in a similar situation…

    • What an amazing story and so glad you had courage to let all to read.

      You are so right about the evil other side that roams this earth. I don’t mean that in any religious way or any way other than a true mental disease of pure evil to take and want what is not theirs you are not Alone!

      • Thank you, what I wrote was only the tip of the ice berg as I am sure you can imagine. The full details are a million times worse than what I could put in 1 short post.
        This whore acts so entitled, the way she acts is like I ran off with her husband not the other way around. It’s been 18months of mental torture.
        I spent5 months in intensive therapy to deal with my pickled mind and self esteem, PTSD is horrible.

        Karma needs to hurry up, after 6 marriages destroyed by this sociopath and the destruction she causes in such a malicious way when she is tossed aside like the trash she actually is, you would think she would of had a taste of her own medicine by now.
        People are taken back when they hear my story and they can’t believe I’m giving my hubby another chance, but as I learnt in therapy, sociopaths, when they set their sights on something they don’t stop until they get it, take a emotionally vulnerable man and they are easy prey.

        He is to blame for the affair and for breaking his marriage vows but she is to blame for her actions and dragging me and my children through hell out of revenge.

    • I thought of you as I found a book that just came out in last year. “The State of Affairs, Rethinking Infideltiy” by Esther Perel. My husband and I have been reading a chapter each night aloud and discuss. We’ve been in therapy for 2 years (started right after D day after a 13 year affair). My point is GET this book!!! We’ve read horrible books that bought me tears and frustration to an already violatile situation. Ms. Perel is speaking like no one I’ve read/heard (she also has some great you tube clips). I feel like she is the only one that addresses the pain of the betrayed and how to process through this in a very insightful mind blowing way. Added bonus is it’s truly up to date as the last thing we all need is bad advice from 15 years ago. Our world is changing so rapidly that even sorting out that much as been tough. I know this will sounds strange but just in one chapter, I’ve been able to loosen the grip of pain in my head to actually feel sorry for my husband for the images of the things he has done. The whore he was with all the years, heck, the memories he has alone makes me smile of my personal justice. I never reduced my character, my body, my honor, my self worth or my privacy for the trivialities of some lowsome 2 trick pony who even in the “glory of an affair” still needed her out dated vibrator or lubricant. I giggle as I type this and wish I had put all of this together months ago to end some of the horrible trigger moments of the past. Hope it helps you as much as me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s