I want you to find happiness. True happiness and peace within your soul. I know some days it feels impossible and the emotions from your husband’s infidelity are all you can feel, but remember the pain will recede with time. Remember when you first found out? Your mind couldn’t comprehend your husband’s actions and what he had done. You were angry, hurt, sad and you felt like your entire world had ended.
Well, your life did not end.
You’ve woken up 188 days since that horrible night. Your eyes have opened, your feet have touched the ground and you’ve taken countless breaths since then. Breathing seems like such a simple action but remember how hard it was to catch your breath in the wake of discovering your husband’s affair? Remember the frantic tears and screaming that consumed you? That part is over. For 188 days you’ve opened your eyes each morning and survived. Survived a pain worse than you have ever known.
Perhaps, you did not realize how much you loved your husband until you realized your marriage might be over. It’s possible that both of you did not comprehend the devastation and horror of deception until the affair was uncovered. And it’s possible, that your husband, as much as he loves you, did not love himself enough to stop the affair. The affair was not about you. It was not about an unhappy or unloving marriage. The affair was about him and his feelings of failure. Those feelings led him to self-destruct. Your husband never even considered for one second during his affair that his actions would rip your heart out, cause you pain that would make you welcome death, destroy the marriage you once shared. It may hurt more because you are both so much in love. Maybe that connection will be a blessing and make you work harder.
Remember to love yourself. Embrace happiness. Pursue your dreams. You are in control of your own future and the people you choose to share your life. You are secure in yourself and that is also a blessing. Don’t let this affair change who you are deep down inside. Yes, the affair should open your eyes and force you to look deeply at what weaknesses lay within you and your husband, but don’t allow this to change your soul.
You are beautiful.
You are loved.
You are smart.
You are kind.
You are strong.
I bet you never realized how strong you actually are, right? You never thought you would fight for a broken relationship and do it with pride. You never thought you would love him if he cheated. I bet it shocks the hell out of you that you never stopped loving him. His arms wrapped around your body have never made you feel so safe. His kiss has never made you feel so loved. The sound of his voice has never made your heart beat faster than it does today. Your love will continue and grow. You will find that when you make your way to the other side of this journey you will both be better, stronger and happier.
Every day is a blessing, even those days that feel like a nightmare. You realize this now when you look around and see how fragile life can be. You’ve lost family and friends since discovering his affair and celebrated holidays, anniversaries, birthdays and more. Life continues regardless of the pain you feel and the tears you cry. Remember the sun rises each morning out of darkness and so shall you. When you place your feet upon the ground, connect yourself to the world and engage your mind, body and soul in all that you do.
You are much more than this affair.
Your husband is much more than this affair.
As strong as you are remember that you are also vulnerable. You forgot that before. You thought that a good (better than good) marriage was not vulnerable to an affair. You didn’t protect the marriage. You didn’t know any better, but now you do. You know that even a loving, supportive, happy marriage can hold a spouse that is less than confident in himself/herself. He realizes he trusted the wrong person. He didn’t go looking for an affair but he did propel it forward. He gave her an invitation to exploit him, use him for her own selfish needs and leave him feeling like a complete failure. Recognize both your mistakes and take that knowledge with you. Recognize that love is a verb, an action and you must live that love to feel it everyday. You know now that love is primary… life may bring annoyances and grievances but the love must be first. Communication is utterly important. No matter how much you love someone and how in sync you are, neither of you are mind readers. You must speak your thoughts, your fears, your joys–all of it matters and is more important than you knew.
There is no road map to heal from infidelity but you should trust your instincts. No matter how powerful and painful the breaking is from infidelity, that breaking is opening up a door to a new life. One that is better because of this pain.
You will survive.
Listen to your heart.
I am. I am. I am.