Dear Self,
I want you to find happiness. True happiness and peace within your soul. I know some days it feels impossible and the emotions from your husband’s infidelity are all you can feel, but remember the pain will recede with time. Remember when you first found out? Your mind couldn’t comprehend your husband’s actions and what he had done. You were angry, hurt, sad and you felt like your entire world had ended.
Well, your life did not end.
You’ve woken up 188 days since that horrible night. Your eyes have opened, your feet have touched the ground and you’ve taken countless breaths since then. Breathing seems like such a simple action but remember how hard it was to catch your breath in the wake of discovering your husband’s affair? Remember the frantic tears and screaming that consumed you? That part is over. For 188 days you’ve opened your eyes each morning and survived. Survived a pain worse than you have ever known.
Perhaps, you did not realize how much you loved your husband until you realized your marriage might be over. It’s possible that both of you did not comprehend the devastation and horror of deception until the affair was uncovered. And it’s possible, that your husband, as much as he loves you, did not love himself enough to stop the affair. The affair was not about you. It was not about an unhappy or unloving marriage. The affair was about him and his feelings of failure. Those feelings led him to self-destruct. Your husband never even considered for one second during his affair that his actions would rip your heart out, cause you pain that would make you welcome death, destroy the marriage you once shared. It may hurt more because you are both so much in love. Maybe that connection will be a blessing and make you work harder.
Remember to love yourself. Embrace happiness. Pursue your dreams. You are in control of your own future and the people you choose to share your life. You are secure in yourself and that is also a blessing. Don’t let this affair change who you are deep down inside. Yes, the affair should open your eyes and force you to look deeply at what weaknesses lay within you and your husband, but don’t allow this to change your soul.
You are beautiful.
You are loved.
You are smart.
You are kind.
You are strong.
I bet you never realized how strong you actually are, right? You never thought you would fight for a broken relationship and do it with pride. You never thought you would love him if he cheated. I bet it shocks the hell out of you that you never stopped loving him. His arms wrapped around your body have never made you feel so safe. His kiss has never made you feel so loved. The sound of his voice has never made your heart beat faster than it does today. Your love will continue and grow. You will find that when you make your way to the other side of this journey you will both be better, stronger and happier.
Every day is a blessing, even those days that feel like a nightmare. You realize this now when you look around and see how fragile life can be. You’ve lost family and friends since discovering his affair and celebrated holidays, anniversaries, birthdays and more. Life continues regardless of the pain you feel and the tears you cry. Remember the sun rises each morning out of darkness and so shall you. When you place your feet upon the ground, connect yourself to the world and engage your mind, body and soul in all that you do.
You are much more than this affair.
Your husband is much more than this affair.
As strong as you are remember that you are also vulnerable. You forgot that before. You thought that a good (better than good) marriage was not vulnerable to an affair. You didn’t protect the marriage. You didn’t know any better, but now you do. You know that even a loving, supportive, happy marriage can hold a spouse that is less than confident in himself/herself. He realizes he trusted the wrong person. He didn’t go looking for an affair but he did propel it forward. He gave her an invitation to exploit him, use him for her own selfish needs and leave him feeling like a complete failure. Recognize both your mistakes and take that knowledge with you. Recognize that love is a verb, an action and you must live that love to feel it everyday. You know now that love is primary… life may bring annoyances and grievances but the love must be first. Communication is utterly important. No matter how much you love someone and how in sync you are, neither of you are mind readers. You must speak your thoughts, your fears, your joys–all of it matters and is more important than you knew.
There is no road map to heal from infidelity but you should trust your instincts. No matter how powerful and painful the breaking is from infidelity, that breaking is opening up a door to a new life. One that is better because of this pain.
You will survive.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Listen to your heart.
I am. I am. I am.
Love,
Yourself
Healing After My Husband's Affair 
Great letter. We are much more than this event in our lives. It’s spring time and I hope we all find some peace, light and love this season! We deserve it!
WOW! Thank you so much for this. Just what I needed today
You’re welcome. It was inspired by my yoga instructor yesterday.
I love this. I’ve said over and over, “I will not allow them to steal my joy.”
Sometimes it’s hard to remember that I am in control of my own life and how I deal with things. I won’t let this change my soul and, like you said, steal my joy.
Could have written this post myself, I’m sure many of us could. I try to repeat many of these things to myself daily. Some days I hear myself, other days I don’t. I am a work in progress, as is JR.
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“The following is from Anne and Brian Bercht, founders of Beyond Affairs Network (BAN). Anne is the author of “My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me” (PLEASE DON’T MISJUDGE THAT BOOK’S TITLE! WHEN YOU READ THE BOOK YOU’LL SEE THAT THE TITLE IS SOMEWHAT OF A “TEASER” AND THAT ANNE BERCHT IS A VERY RECOGNIZED AND QUALIFIED COUNSELOR AND FORMER BETRAYED SPOUSE.) Her article (below) concerns the MISINFORMATION in the entire world (INCLUDING therapists) pertaining to Betrayed Spouses and Wayward Spouses. I’m sharing this with everyone I “know.” Rescuing My Marriage (a former mental health therapist) works regularly with Anne and Brian Bercht and highly recommends their programs.” from 1981
Reposted from huperecho.wordpress.com/2013/04/15/regrets-the-fine-line-between-contributing-to-marital-problems-and-causing-a-spouses-infidelity ” I thought this was a good read and it comes from a woman who has successfully healed from infidelity and is still with her husband today. You can read other articles at beyondaffairs.com ” from Marie (huperecho)
Regrets – The Fine Line Between Contributing to Marital Problems and Causing a Spouse’s Infidelity (by Anne Bercht):
A Reader’s Question to Anne Bercht: Dear Anne – I am noticing that I am entering a new stage of grief. I am struggling with finding the line between contributing to some of our marital problems, and causing his infidelity. My heart and brain say 2 different things. Can you explain this?
Anne Bercht’s Answer: The more I learn about extramarital affairs, the more amazed I am that society generally fails to see the elephant in the room when it comes to the cause of affairs.
When you discover that your spouse has been unfaithful, most people ask themselves “What did I do wrong?” (The answer is nothing, but we can’t grasp that yet, neither can our friends, neither can our spouse, AND OFTENTIMES NEITHER CAN OUR THERAPIST.)
The people in our lives help us blame ourselves. I don’t know how many times I was faced with a well-meaning friend asking, “Anne, I wonder what you did to cause Brian’s affair?” Then we ask our unfaithful spouse, “Why did you do this to me?” They are usually ready with a list of grievances of how unhappy they were and can readily tell us what we did to cause their affair.
When you go as a couple to see a counselor or therapist (devastated and desperate for support, love, and empathy), you will usually be faced with this statement: “Let’s not talk about the affair. Let’s talk about what was wrong in the marriage to cause the affair?” The very premise of the question may lead you astray from finding the answer you need. OFTEN NOTHING WAS WRONG IN THE MARRIAGE TO CAUSE THE AFFAIR.
Why do we not get it that even in happy marriages, especially long-term relationships, it can feel enticing when a 3rd party starts paying attention to us? Most unfaithful spouses are unaware of what’s happening at first. The beginnings are often very subtle.
Of course since there are no perfect marriages and no perfect people, when we go looking for the “problem in the marriage,” or the problem with the faithful spouse, we can always find something to blame the affair on.
One woman came to my BAN group after 30 years of marriage. She was a mess. Her husband had an affair every 5 years in their marriage, and every time he had an affair, they went for therapy and discovered what SHE did wrong to cause the infidelity. The first time it turned out it was because she didn’t keep the house clean enough and this really bothered her husband. So she became a better house cleaner, and they moved on believing they were healed. Ten years into the marriage it turned out she was a poor listener. So she became a really good listener, and that therapist affirmed them both that all was well. 15 years into the marriage it turned out she wasn’t having enough recreational companionship with her husband. So she began to play golf with him and they were supposedly healed. 20 years into the marriage it turned out that she was not adventurous enough in the bedroom, so she became a sex goddess, acquired an extensive lingerie collection, and got experimental. WHY ARE WE MISSING THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM HERE? HE is the problem! HE is the one who is engaging in the unacceptable behavior! HE is the one who keeps breaking his promises!
By the time the last affair was discovered 30 years into the marriage, the wife was losing her mind (testament to her high level of sanity that she made it this far). She admitted herself to the psych ward at the hospital. When she finally realized that SHE WAS NOT THE PROBLEM, she was able to heal. Had the real core issues been addressed from the beginning BY THEIR THERAPISTS, this marriage may have been saved.
The “I DON’T LOVE YOU – I LOVE YOU BUT I’M NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU – I’VE NEVER LOVED YOU” lies that many Wayward Spouses say:
One woman’s husband told her that in all the 35 years they had been married, he had never once loved her, not even when he asked her to marry her. Really? If this were true one could only conclude he was a total idiot. Why would you choose to marry someone, and choose to stay married to him or her for 35 years when you never once loved him or her? After all, it was not as if she’d taken a gun to his head, right down the aisle to the altar and said: Say “I do” or I’ll shoot. He CHOSE to marry her and he is responsible for his decision. I hear this line from most unfaithful spouses we work with: “I never loved my spouse.” ***IT SIMPLY ISN’T TRUE!*** Unfaithful spouses convince themselves of this to give them permission to have affair/s, because otherwise, they would think of themselves as a ‘bad’ person. “If I love my spouse and I have an affair anyway, then I must be a bad person,” they reason. In addition, their thinking gets distorted. THEY REWRITE THEIR MARITAL HISTORY IN THEIR MINDS. BAD MEMORIES BECOME BIGGER, AND THE GOOD MEMORIES AND THE LOVING FEELINGS THEY ONCE HAD ARE FORGOTTEN.
The elephant in the room, which society is missing completely, is that just because you have a good marriage, does not mean you cannot be tempted by an affair.
To every betrayed spouse: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE AFFAIR
To every unfaithful spouse: YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR AFFAIR
I am often asked when I appear on television talk shows, “Do you accept responsibility for your part in Brian’s affair?” I answer, “I didn’t have a part in Brian’s affair, and if I would’ve been given a part I would’ve voted ‘no, let’s not do it.’”
When I stand before God to give an account for my life, one question God will not be asking me is “Anne, why did you make Brian have an affair?”
I will, however, give an account for ways that I may have failed Brian in the marriage, but these things did not cause the affair. For every marriage where we discover problems where there has been an affair, I can point to other marriages with worse problems where there has not been an affair. PROBLEMS IN MARRIAGE DOES NOT LEAD TO AFFAIRS. I’m appalled that I must state the obvious, but there are actually healthy ways to deal with problems in marriage!
There are many marriages today with problems, and it is true that these marriages are more vulnerable to affairs than marriages that are happy. There are also many other factors that lead to affairs. These are the gaps. These are the things we bring forth by working in person with couples through our Healing From Affairs weekends. You can also have access to the cognitive part of this teaching and our assessment tool, which will help you determine the root causes of the affair in your marriage by listening to our Healing From Affairs DVD program.
There is no time like the present (working through the devastation of an affair) to look at what could’ve been better in the marriage, but if we label these as the causes, we’re going to be missing significant factors that led to the affair. This thinking is the reason why there are so many repeat offenders. If you don’t find the real root, it’s going to happen again. If you over simplify the answer, you’re going to make some improvements, but be missing the big picture.
Usually when the betrayed spouse asks the unfaithful spouse, “Why did you do this?” And the unfaithful spouse answers, “I don’t know.” THEY ARE TELLING THE TRUTH. THEY DON’T KNOW YET. YOU ARE GOING TO DISCOVER THIS TOGETHER.
When we worked through our Healing from Affairs journey, of course I discovered things I did wrong in the marriage. Brian discovered things he did wrong in the marriag. We uncovered many behaviors of mine that had damaged and wounded my husband. We also uncovered many behaviors of my husband that had damaged and wounded me. We both made changes and it’s been wonderful to make and experience those changes.
However…
A defining moment for me came when Brian said, “Anne, I appreciate all the changes you’ve made since we’ve worked through the affair. Our marriage is so much better today, and I really value that. I’VE LEARNED, HOWEVER, THAT EVEN IF YOU’D BEEN THE PERFECT SPOUSE BEFORE MY AFFAIR, I STILL WOULD’VE HAD THE AFFAIR, BECAUSE MY AFFAIR HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, AND HAD EVERYTHING TO DO WITH MY SHORTCOMINGS AS A MAN.”
This is the elephant in the room.
If you are the betrayed spouse, and you are less than 6 months from the day of your discovery of the affair (d-day), please don’t push yourself to look at your contribution to problems in the marriage. It’s too painful. Do it when you’re ready. It’s so important that we separate marital issues from affair issues. They must remain 2 separate issues if the marriage is to be healed. If they are not kept separate, the betrayed spouse struggles for ongoing years with unhealthy obsessiveness, that goes something like this:
Am I pretty enough? Are we having enough recreational companionship? Are we having enough sex? Enough sexual 10’s? Am I being a good enough mother? (or Am I being a good enough father – if the BS is a man)? Is the house clean enough? The list is endless, and living with this list, believing it’s directly connected to the possibility of your spouse having another affair, is like living with a ball and a chain around your leg. You may as well be in prison. No one can live this way. I’m all for spouses working towards meeting each others’ needs and being conscious and intentional about their marriages. I highly recommend it, but not when we attach, “And if you get it wrong on any given day, I might have an affair.” No one gets it perfect all the time. I need permission to fail sometimes and know that my spouse will seek a healthy way of dealing with his dissatisfaction, not that my failure to get it right is going to lead to the pain of betrayal.
I hope this serves to clarify the fine line between taking responsibility for ways we may have failed our spouse VS. taking responsibility for the affair.
Again, I emphasize:
To every betrayed spouse: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE AFFAIR
To every unfaithful spouse: YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR AFFAIR
Sincerely,
Anne Bercht
©Copyright 2011 Anne and Brian Bercht. All rights reserved.
Friends,
To clear up any ambiguities, I want to make it clear that the Anne Bercht article (above) is reposted from the blog of my friend Marie huperecho.wordpress.com/2013/04/15/regrets-the-fine-line-between-contributing-to-marital-problems-and-causing-a-spouses-infidelity
The addition that I made is the first paragraph, “The following is from Anne and Brian Bercht, founders of Beyond Affairs Network (BAN)….and highly recommends their programs.” from 1981
I’m careful to NOT take credit for someone else’s good deeds, and I’m WORKING ON (I haven’t gotten there yet) not taking the blame for someone else’s bad deeds. Marie’s blogging of Anne Bercht’s article is very much a good deed! As I’m not as blog-savvy as most of you, I don’t know how to “reblog”; therefore my reposting consists of “copy & paste” (old-fashioned word processing technique). 🙂 1981
Thank you Anne,
I have been struggling so much with the “what did I do to make my husband have an affair” question for 8 months now. My husband does not blame me at all, but our therapist said there must have been “something” that would have caused him to go wayward. I don’t think she meant to point the finger at me, but said we needed to get to the root of the problem so there is never another occurrence. But, I automatically took that statement as it was my fault. I know I have a long way to goo, but very much appreciated your response here.
Thanks,
Jen
but in my case my wife who commit an affair to other man..very sad…
I am sorry you are dealing with this pain. Some days are harder than others but I hope that you are finding a way to create your own happiness. Take care of yourself, love yourself and remember that you don’t have to be the victim. You will be happy again.
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your right it was really hard to accept that after you shared the blessings of marriage one day your husband will betrayed you, No matter what all we have to do is accept and move on. Were on the same destiny I’m glad that i read your message i feel like i am not alone and i will survive this
Not sure where to comment, so I’ll write here.
Not even sure why I stumbled across this blog, or how.
In fact, I’m pretty sure this post doesn’t belong here, but I want to vent. I worry that it won’t be helpful, but I hope that it’ll lead to some helpful conversations for all of you.
Here’s what I know.
My wife hurts me. Over and over. I’m not sure she’s aware of it, but she does.
I don’t masturbate because I believe that to be cheating as well. There may not be another physical woman, and even if I just fantasize about my wife, I’m still cheating in my mind. The woman I’m fantasizing about isn’t my wife, and I don’t generally care if she wants me to take out the garbage. Strangely, masturbation fantasies don’t include those little details, therefore, the person isn’t my wife, even if she looks the same in my head.
I have never been to a strip club, even at the cost of friendships when some moron thought it was a good bachelor party idea.. Before I was married I knew that what I put into my head then would affect my marriage now. So I lived my early adult life laying the foundation for fidelity in marriage.
I am alert to what my eyes are looking at, so that my wife doesn’t get compared to all the stupid ads in malls, magazines, movies or tv shows of younger, photo-shopped women who have no expectation of me, but are happy to appear before me minimally dressed (hello Victoria’s Secret, Americal Apparal, etc) with “come hither” (or worse) expressions.
I don’t drink, so I won’t make a “mistake” when I’m not thinking clearly.
I had a fantastic marriage to a woman I deeply loved. But a few years ago, things changed. Partly, that’s my fault, I made a stupid financial decision, and we all pay for it (we aren’t broke, but we aren’t where we used to be). As best as I can tell, that’s the beginning. Around the same time, she has started into Menopause, even though she’s really young for it.
Since then, we don’t have sex as much as before. Perhaps 5% as often. Probably less.
I won’t say that sex is the be all and end all of a relationship. I don’t even believe that it is. But I hurt deeply now. Seeing her hurts. I feel constantly rejected, even though I know that’s not her intention. When I can’t sleep, because closing my eyes means fantasizing about someone else, (anyone else), I’d rather just not sleep.
For me, this is so deeply wounding, I can’t really explain it to her. Last month, more time was spent getting a manicure than having sex. That shows me that my place is her life is lower than paint on her fingers. Cleaning up after the dog. washing the kitchen table…
My wife is a wonderful woman, and aside from this area (which used to be fine), I’m blessed beyond what I deserve to have her.
I have no intention in cheating on her, and I’m thankful that things I put into place 20 or 30 years ago are there to protect my marriage now. I’m not looking for authorization to cheat. I’ve had the chance, and declined. And severed all ties with the “woman”.
But if cheating would be so important, so hurtful. Why isn’t sex INSIDE the marriage so important?
Why is it that it’s OK for me to hurt by steadfastly holding to her as my one outlet sexually, but not OK for her to hurt by me finding other outlets?
I understand that cheating is wrong. I’m not going there. But the comments here often make me feel hopeless. Reading “I hate men” (not the blog author, I know) makes me wonder if there’s hope for my marriage. In the same way that my habits have protected my marriage, I think that the habit of saying “I hate men” makes recovery impossible.
More important to me, does my wife feel that way? Why? I’ve tried to fix this, but I can’t and the end result is that I just feel hopeless. How do I get her to open up and tell me?
It’s weird that being faithful here seems like the best way to identify with your pain.
Tonight, I’ll crawl into bed beside here. I’ll see a body showing the result of 2 wonderful children and years and years of marriage. Happy marriage. She’ll see stretchmarks, sag and fat. But I’ll see the only person in the world that I want to be with. And then she’ll say goodnight, and leave me to fall asleep on a pillow of tears again. Frustrated and increasingly angry. Wondering if there will even be an end to this outside one of our deaths.
I hurt, and I want it to end. Any advice?
Hi,
I think your comment/questions here are so important. I feel as though my husband probably felt many of those emotions prior to his affair. I can offer you my perspective as his wife and see if that helps you.
My husband and I saw a huge decline in our sex life too. It wasn’t because either of us didn’t want it–it was a lack of communication. I was worried about the children hearing/walking in/waking up and I was exhausted. I was putting so much energy into either my job, the kids, the dog, volunteering that I was empty by the end of the day. Sex seemed like what I could sacrifice because I loved my husband and was confident he knew how much I cared for him. But the less we had sex the less confident I felt.. the more I started to see my flaws and even his flaws. Sex is more important than we think.
My biggest mistake was not saying that it bothered me. I thought it was natural and things would come back on their own without us addressing the issue. That couldn’t have been further from the truth. Because he began to feel our sex life was permantly damaged because I was not attracted to him. But, once again, he didn’t communicate this to me either.
In a book I just finished, the wife mentions that we feel attacked when our spouses try to be honest with us about sex, our bodies and honesty. If I told my husband I wanted him to lose weight would he have been offended and hurt or would it have brought us closer? If he had told me that he was attracted to another woman would I have been hurt or could I have seen that I wasn’t fulfulling one of his needs and she was? Communication is so important.
I know that you are right in feeling that she spent more time getting her nails done than sex so is that the order of importance in her life–but the answer is presumably no. She is probably trying to feel good about herself and the lack of intimacy is taking a toll on her too.
I would recommend talking to her about your feelings in an honest way. The first time you talk just portray your feelings and needs. Tell her how much you love her and want to be with her and how it is hurting you to not have that intimacy and that you want to reconnect. I know a huge help for me and my husband was taking time for ourselves as a couple–dating each other again. Pre-affair I would put off date night because I saw it as an added expense in our lives. But you need to spend quality time together–it’s so important.
Also, consider therapy if she is willing to go…. I wanted to go when my husband was in the affair (and I was unaware) because I felt a disconnection.
Also, I agree that our society has a push towards male bashing. You see the behavior on every tv show and in movies. The wife thinks of the husband as useless or stupid. It is important for wives to respect and appreciate their spouse. We have to recognize that a long and happy marriage is predicated on respect, not just love and trust. I hope this helps in some way….
Words cannot express how your thoughts and feeling have mirrored what I am going through, what we are going through. It has been 118 days since my fears were confirmed. I knew on some level it was happening but could I not face the reality that my marriage was suffering and had been for years, or that my husband was capable of making such a terrible mistake. I found your letter to yourself, and read it yesterday morning after waking up not knowing how my thoughts would direct my day. Your words gave me the inspiration I needed to jump start my day and my life again. My husband asked for forgiveness immediately after his affair was revealed and we have been working hard every day to heal from this nightmare. This is the first blog I have responded to. I have read many of your posts and have found them so very helpful during the past few months. Thank you for sharing what is so undeniably the hardest thing to deal with short of the death of a loved one.
Thank you. Your comment made me smile.
You are not having sex now. We had the same problem. I spent every night putting lotion on her feet,back any place she would let me. Before bed I would hold her. It was that kind of intimacy that lead back to love making. If you go this route don’t push for sex but you may be surprised at the feelings of love and intimacy you can get from it. Hope this helps?
I have been where you are. Both sides. Then I found he had an affair to cope with what you are experiencing. It broke my heart, nearly killed me. The shock still engulfs me six months later. I wish we had gotten through to each other before, somehow. I didn’t know there is an important need for lust as well as lovemaking. I let go of my inhibitions, body issues, we enjoy the lust and it still turns to love . He spent ten years sneaking off for loveless relief, now we communicate verbally and physically. Sometimes the heartbreak over the infedility screams back like a monster, I don’t know how it will end, but listen to me, I have been told I have five years to live, what I wouldn’t give for those lost ten . Don’t wait another second. Get on your knees and cry, tell her what is happening. She doesn’t know. She has been raised not to know. You are right, sex is important you need each other. She may be feeling the same loneliness. She may have her own hang ups and bewilderments. Fixing it may cause embarrassment and anger. Go softly with love, be gentle and try to understand her. Court her. Many women think romantic love is all, they have been left out of the fun endearing silly side of sex. Pity us, help us let go and have fun as well as meaningful deep lovemaking.
Hello Anonymous, if I could share my suggestions with you.
You know what your wife likes, what are her preferences. Quite often doing things simply together will open your both eyes on what you have forgotten.
Try, before you go to bed, sharing with you wife an interesting news about, for example: NASA is hiding the true colors of Mars. Again, you know her hobbies, perhaps her favorite songs (initiate a conversation about a remix of a popular song), reading (find an interesting book just published and share some thoughts) her favorite movie (speak about plot, or actors, mention her preferred one);
When you start these types of conversations don `t say: “Let’s talk about our feelings, or how to improve our love”, just start saying things that might wake up an interest in your wife to simply talk.
At the end of a busy day, before going to bed, that’s your time, away from all the things that needed to be done,
Start easy simple conversations, and say things in a way that they are like questions, so don`t close your thought – leave it open, even say something deliberately wrong, which you know she’ll hear and will correct.
And of course you are not trying to be an artist and play drama, but be natural , be yourself;
a few nights of conversations will help you “rediscover” each other (by the way, talk about childhood memories: yours, hers, how you got into troubles, how parents punished, then you can move toward something that was very nice for both of you, usually we forget good moments…) childhood memories help us relax our inner-tightness and be “spiritually naked”, so no masks, pretending emotions… did you try watching a movie with similar to your story, where things are done in a way that you understand :”I better love the ones who are near me, because things happen without asking us when is a good time” I mean touching movies about family life, situations, pain, decease, death…
Are you a person that believes in the power of the Creator?
Pray for your marriage: (I found this)
Heavenly Father, I come before you today with a heavy heart;my marriage is in trouble, and I need your help. Make changes in my spouse’s heart. Make us compatible again, and bring us closer together. Fill us with your love and give us strength to love one another, and fulfil your destiny for us.
Show us the harm caused by careless words, and the pain caused by emotional distance. Bring us together, like we once were. Show us how to love one another again.
Heal the division before us, and make us ONE again.
AMEN
Peace to all, Halina
(FROG = fully rely on God 🙂
You seem to be a nice, caring person on this Earth. Wish you to “climb the mountain and see the rainbow”:)
Not necessarily to Halina….This is the anniversary of my D-day. I am pissed that this day will resonate in my mind for the rest of my life. I am pissed that I have not been able to wear my wedding rings for a year or have any wedding memories in my house since I found out that my husband has been fucking somebody else last year on this day. I am pissed that I have to put on a happy face when I go to visit my sick mother in the hospital. I am fucking pissed!!!! This day sucks!!!!!
To Amy: I think I understand your emotions … do you do things in life that make you feel proud and that you accomplished something? You have talents that made you – YOU!
Maybe put your emotions into something that will leave a good sign on this earth and that will be your anniversary.
Not so long ago in our town we had a tragedy: 19 years old was drunk coming back form a party with her boyfriend, they started fooling on a bridge, she felt down after whatever time (30-40 min) died! She was the only child in the family!
The whole town came to the funeral the next Monday after the tragedy…
And then guess…the next day the sun rose, the wind blew, people went to work, children to school..and so on…the world existed on and on, waiting for us humans to make another move, to create new points of calculations of our accomplishments and anniversaries.
What I trying to say: yes, you were hurt, but to have to have interests, visions, ideas what you would like to do, accomplish in your life, don`t allow yourself to remember anniversaries of betrayal, create new, exciting anniversaries: start a new language , learn new things!
The world is there, there are so many things unseen, undone by you. Yes I know you wanted to do it all together with your husband. Yes, this world is not utopian, sometimes I wish this world end, because of corruption, lie, money, betrayal….Don`t allow THAT anniversary to rule, direct your emotions, force yourself to discover your potential, you were placed on this Earth not for remembering THAT anniversary, for doing more that that!
The world is still wonderful, and you are a part of it! Your life is given to you once.
Anyways just hoped to direct your time and effort to remember anniversaries of something else than D-day.
Are you the ruler of your fate?
Listen to Gregorian chants (Veni Creator Spiritus) they help in bringing the spirit of our soul up!
All the best in discovering the new world within yourself!
Halina
Of course I have interests and hobbies along with three young daughters ages 10, 7 and 2. I work part time as well. I don’t just sit around and play the victim on a daily basis. I do get pissed off when I try to take care of my girls or I try to go out and run but my energy is completely absorbed by the affair. When I try to be a better mom or take my running to the next level and I can’t because of the shit in my head I get pissed off. I don’t dwell on the affair constantly but when I do have a day here or there where I don’t have to go, go go I find it very hard. But I think I need those days to help me feel and process. What good am I doing myself to pretend the affair never happened? This has been my year of firsts since discovering the affair. I have needed this year to heal. I am sure this next year will be less painful but those two dates will certainly be my least favorite. Thank you for taking the time to help me see the light. I think time and my husband proving that he really wants a life with me and my girls is what is going to get me through this………
To Amy: so I understood correctly, your husband lives with you and daughters? If so then you have to forgive, people are making mistakes, we don`t ourselves sometimes and do things without really understanding it. You are surely busy mom with 2 years old! I hear you and picture: running, trying to make things better. Your girls are the most precious gift you could receive on earth. You are a good mother, I see it from those few words! Don`t let the wind to change the direction of your boat, use that wind to go where you want (not sure it was in the letter above or some other places). Be strong and love yourself! Best wishes from Halina.
My husband cheated on me and i am devastated by it. Your wonderful and living words are so profoundly touching to me. It is what I wish that my husband had done. I wish that he had the strength and the courage to stay with me and kept me in his heart. Your wife does not know the hurt that you are suffering. A bad financial decision is not the be all and the end all. My husband made many bad financial decisions and I stayed out of my love for him. I did become resentful and it did cause us to separate emotionally. My advice to you is to stop suffering in silence and tell your wife that you want to go for counseling. You can then tell her is a safe place how unhappy you are and how much you miss her. She likely misses you too and does not even know that she has lost that part of herself that she used to enjoy so much. It is not too late and if you try to talk to her and she does not respond, do not give up. A love like yours is one for the ages and you both deserve a life filled with love and passion. good luck. I am happy that you wrote on this board,
My comment about deaths isn’t meant as homicidal or suicidal. It’s merely to state that marriage, my marriage will last for life. Call me old fashioned.
Love this 🙂
Thank you.
Great letter! Thank you!
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I stumbled upon your blog searching the web for groups of people who have suffered an affair and are trying to rebuild their marriages. It has been such a blessing to read your words. Our stories have many many similarities and it feels good to know I am not alone as I have not shared what has happened to our marriage with anyone. D-Day was October 9 2013, just about 6 months ago. Reading these posts from when you were 6 months out is like listening to myself talk. Thanks for writing it down and sharing. Its courageous and therapeutic, not just for yourself but for so many others walking the same journey.
Thanks… I hope you are feeling better each day. I know how difficult the process is and it helped me to know I was not alone too.
I stumbled on this also. I have been reading posts for a few months now and have finally been brave enough to comment. This is not what I typically do. I don’t even have a face book account. Many of your blogs have helped me put things in perspective. Some have given me a bit more clarity. Others have just helped me feel like I am not completely alone. I have only share my husbands infidelity with one other person. A lot of the time I feel very alone. Days I feel like I am a complete fucking nut case I turn to this blog. Today I feel like a complete fucking nut case…..for lack of better words.
I hear you. I was there so many days. In the beginning when I began to blog it was my safety net. I was able to put my thoughts on the page and have women respond, offer advice or just let me know I am not alone. It’s strange because many of those women are gone from the blogging world now but I still know they were the ones to get me through the first six months.
You’ll get through this. It’s strange because now, things feel different for me. I feel like life has shifted back to normal and I am not quite sure if I am comfortable with that or not.
Thank you for such a beautiful, heartfelt letter. I am raw, hurt and feel as though as my heart has been ripped out. We are only 9 days in from D Day, but we are looking to the future. This does not make me hurt any less. I always thought things were black and white and held the belief that (a) it would never happen to me and (b) if it did i would not be giving any second chances. I wondered if I was weak for wanting to save my marriage after such devastation and heart break, but your letter mirrors exactly how I am feeling. Thanks for being so honest and brave. x
Hi Lou,
I felt exactly the same–both your points A & B. I truly believed my husband would never cheat because he clearly loves me so much. I will never understand why no one tells us that we need to protect our marriages and that anyone can fall prey to infidelity.
Nine days…. take care of yourself. You sound so strong despite your pain. You are not alone… there are som many women here with stories like our own. Take care of yourself.
Thanks – at the moment I do not feel strong. But we have been married 19 years and have two wonderful teenagers. Like you I was alone with the children when I found out – they were in bed and I discovered it all through e-mail messages. It had developed over the last six months. My heart raced and my chest tightened, I couldn’t breathe and I was shaking from head to foot. I wanted to fall to the ground and scream and wail but I had two teenagers in bed. My husband has said that he loves me and I am the only person he wants to spend the rest of his life with but the pain comes over me in huge waves where I feel I am drowning and the tears just seem endless. The pain I have is worse than the pain I felt when I lost my beautiful mum. I know it is very, very early days but I still shake and cant breathe or sleep when I think about it. I am terrified when he is not with me, yet I know he has to go out to work, as I do myself. I haven’t told a soul, as voicing it out-loud makes it so real and so petrifying. I am finding comfort in knowing that I am not alone, and the posts on here give me courage and hope. Thank you again.
Reading your words brings me right back there with you. I remember being in bed with sleeping children in the house feeling like everything was crashing down around me. I don’t know that I will ever completely forget that moment. I would cry in the middle of any moment and often had to excuse myself from rooms and sob in bathrooms or take a walk. I felt terrified sending my husband to work too–I didn’t trust anyone. I showed up without calling him and made him checkin with me constantly. It took me months to believe the affair was really over. I felt like everything in my life was a lie and the only person I ever trusted completely had let me down.
I just told the first person ever about the affair beyond my therapist and yoga instructor. I told a friend and I knew I was going to tell him. It was the first time I ever said the words and did not cry. I knew I could tell this friend because he’s been married for twice as long as me and has a different perspective about life. I don’t feel the need to be open about this with everyone in my life but now I know I am capable of talking about the affair without breaking down into pieces.
I am sorry you found yourself here. When you are ready there are so many books that can help. I tried support groups but I didn’t find one that worked for me–honestly, the support I get here has kept me going even when I wanted to give up on the world. Your husband should read the book “How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair.” It’s concise and to the point. My husband read and reread that book for months after D-Day.
Reading through these letters, I feel very bad at heart that I am going to put my wife into a similar situation. I m man 40y, with two wonderful kids and a nice loving wife. But I am away from home to make a living for my family. Now it is almost 5y and I cannot anymore control my sexual/base feelings. I need someone to hug/kiss/have sex with. I have been telling this to my wife and she is now like a broken heart, mostly bcoz she feels I will not send money or so. However my intention is just some fun, I am taking care of my family and ever will do. So now I am in search of a girlfriend.
Actually I never had proper friends and the meaning of girl friends vs relationship is not yet clear.
Let me know your views please. Also, let me tell you, I never had a similar physical relationship with any girl before or after marriage, other than my wife…..
the lonliness kills me….some one told me to do meditation/breathing excersises to improve my vibrations, but .. i cannot control yet….
Ya it is my weakness, even if I can point out various flaws from her side to love me/take care of me.
My wife is struggling at home too, taking care of the kids.
Any views please..
thanks…
Distance and physical separation is never a friend of marriage. I know you are trying to be honest with your wife but beginning a physical relationship with someone you call a girlfriend is going to cause more stress on your marital relationship.
In relationships sometimes we need to accept that not all of our needs will be met by our spouse. We need to accept that if we make conscious decisions to have those needs fulfilled outside our marriage that we will destroy a sacred piece that will mostly likely never be exist again.
I know the loneliness is difficult but maybe you can have a physical relationship with your wife through the internet/facetime/skype. You can both pleasure yourselves while on the phone. There are many masturbation devices that exist. I know you want more than just sex–you want to feel another female in your arms but understand if you take that step–you risk the end of your marriage. And the pain you will cause your wife will be devastating.
Have you considered going to sex therapy?
I have a read about a lot of research proving that intercourse releases a hormone memory, so a troubled or difficult marriage will be shredded by a new found attachment no matter how much you think it will be “just” sex. You will rethink and re jig your perception of your marriage to support the new addiction. Very dangerous and destructive ground. Just have a read of the betrayed on this blog. Many thought just sex would not turn on them. It did. It ruined many lives.
What is your philosophy or religion of life? SOunds like you already decided that you need this relationship, and it`s normal we humans do need to speak, to be touched, to share. The physical distance between a husband and a wife creates an actual distance, emotional distance. When you start your relashionship with another girlfriend make sure you never tell your wife, you`ll ruine the rest of your marriage. If you plan to let whatever left of your marriage – then of course it does not matter. If you want your, marriage your children and your wife be together till the end of this earthly journey and you want to say to yourself at the end of your life, yes I was stupid for having an affair, as I have a wonderful family and we went through so many things – then DON`T TELL YOUR WIFE ABOUT YOUR WEAK MOMENTS.
Life on earth is what it is, we have to go somewhere to earn and support family, then the distance does its job, lives of our beloved ones are changed, and whose fault it is? Our world of consumers: banks, money, loans, pay pay….ah enough ask for the confirmation of the Holy Spirit and remember your dreams…the answers you get will help…however be careful…you have to follow what you ask for…
Best, HS
Thank You for this motivation,the first few paragraphs just displayed my situation but I am stronger than it. thank you.a perfect ending to my day
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My husband had been cheating on me all eight years of our marriage till I discovered it four months back. We have two kids(6 & 4). The exact things you mentioned in the letter happened to me too. On knowing about his affair I started realizing why I was feeling lonely being in a happy marriage, why I was missing him even sitting right besides him, why I was feeling like left over and not so important to people around all these eight years. His affair costed me all that. He, on the other hand, said ‘It was just a pass-time. And whatever happened between us two was because of the difference of opinion we had!’ That was truly insensitive and illogical for me. You can’t divide something in two and expect both the parts to be 100%. He was manipulating the things and lead me to confusion so that I would feel guilty about complaining all these years. Whereas I was begging for righteous. Whatever he did was much more than a mistake. He did everything knowing what he is doing under the impression of overconfidence in not getting caught. It was all planned and executed. His honeymoon with his girlfriend, the gifts he gave her, the lies he told her about me, both them calling me names……. haunts me!! But I still need him to be with me. We have a beautiful home, a lovely family. He is one of the finest Dads on this planet. I don’t want all this to get ruined because of his affair. And then I thought exactly about all the things you mentioned in the letter.This letter is a true inspiration and has become like a ‘to do’ reminder list for me to refer whenever the thought of having been used as a trash-bag bothers me. I wish to get rid of all the negativity he filled in my life, my mind and my soul. Thanks a lot for this beautiful letter.
Keep talking to your husband and being honest with yourself. Has your husband acknowledged and recognized the pain he put you through or is he hiding behind his excuses? Sometimes men hide behind the excuses because admitting the truth (that they have causes so much pain and destruction to the woman they love most in the world) will tear them apart. My husband confronted those demons early on after D-Day but he never acknowledged them during his affair. During his affair he believed he felt physically neglected by me and that I was neglecting him. All of that excuses. He was “protecting” himself from seeing his own weaknesses and failures. Insecurities can cause so much destruction when we try to ignore their source. Sometimes our insecurities prevent us from seeing that what we want has actually been right in front of us all along. I hope you find a place to heal and your husband can accept what he has done and move forward too.
In my case, the problem is my husband’s physical urge is too low, tending to nil. 8 out of 10 times he says sorry ,turns his face around and sleeps. We have sex once a month or less. That too he discharges within a minute or less. And he does not want to admit it. Initially I complained about it. But after my first pregnancy i.e., 7 yrs back I stopped discussing it and went on compromising. But he is still the same phase; finding excuses for not being physical such as the difference of opinions we have and all! Somewhere this lead him to get into a relation which was mere flirting before we met eight yrs back. She used to meet him once a yr or so being in other country. So it was easier to please her saying things verbally and sending her gifts. And of course taking her out on expensive honeymoons once a year! I now sincerely think that his affair is over. But the reasons those made it happen are still very well there. So I’m worried. Please guide me..
I was a husband who did not do good in bed for my wife. This started after a year (after the 1st kid and then for long 8 years). She was not pleased and became moody/criticizing etc, but I felt no issue at all with me and often blamed her. I did not take her for outings etc, and finally she started compromising with my behavior. It was recently that I went for some therapy/counsiling that made me more aware of female sexuality/behaviour etc.Now I am correcting myself and she likes me more than ever, the honey moon has returned. We have differences of opinions but, good in bed.
As per astrology, we have much difference in opinions and the astrologer warned me before marriage that if we dont take care of mutual understanding, the marriage would be a failure. So we are planning for counselings, even if its a bit late and we have two kids.
Check astrological compatibility between you two. Also the Acces BAR “Divorceless Relationship” policy is interesting, you are not required to compromise unnecessarily, to keep a relationship work. Be open and try counselings. Increase your energy through breathing exercises, yoga (Art of Living) and meditation etc. Keep the final goal in view & keep mind positive, no matter how negative the circumstances are, so that the Universe knows it and makes it happen.
I think the best thing would be to find both a relationship and sex therapist for you both. Communicate with your husband how you feel without judging him or making him feel like he is less of a man. Doe he know you are aware of the affair or not? Discuss with him what you need and that you want to get to a better place together.
Thanks a lot for your suggestions. I hope that helps. The thing is I was always pushing forward the thought of getting counselling. But he refused it. Saying I need to watch my words and decisions all those years when his affair was uncovered. He used all his money for his own fancies and fulfilling his parents’ wishes. He spent on their house, interior, expensive furniture, TV etc. I could not spend anything for my wishes as I was saving for my kids, paying for their policies, buying gold for their future. And all those decisions according to him I took going against him. He then wanted to control my money too.. I bought an apartment that he gave his friend to live free of cost, in the reason that his friend will look after his parents when we are away in another country. Whereas his parents are self sufficient, truly enjoying their life. When I stood firmly besides my decisions to save for my kids all those years, he counted that as going against him. The day I discovered his affair, I came to know he was using me in every possible manner. Misleading me for his selfish reasons.. I felt horrible. Then I remembered there were time when he didn’t even touched me for 8-8 /9-9 months. I compromised. It was very rare so I exactly remember when he intensely got physical with me.. all those dates were right after his honeymoon dates with his girlfriend. Either it was the hangover or it was the guilt. What I was thinking then is, after all differences we had, he loved me.. now I know what it was. I told him the very day I came to know about his affair. Since then he is lying on my feet and begging in the name of ‘Beautiful Future’ we can have. He is swearing on anything that he is changed. I too want to look at future. My kids need us to be together. I am now again trying to convince him for counselling.. But he says now everything is fine.. And I don’t feel it right to say about physical relation.. I am in a turmoil now!! But will surely come out of it. Thanks a lot for listening to me..
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Im so glad i found this blog to secure some comments regarding betrayals. I’ve been married for almost 19years but now my husband has a relationship with another woman which lead me so depressed so much, as if it is the end of the world to me. My husband didnt show to win back our relationships instead he seriously continue their relationship. I was so deeply heart coz we do not have any communication at all … pls enlighten my mind … Tnx alot.. God bless
Hi,
I don’t know your entire story but it sounds like your husband is continuing his affair in spite of you knowing about it. I would ask him questions and find out why he thinks he is involved with this woman, what he wants and if he is willing to go to therapy with you and alone. Communication is key for the survival of any relationship but vital after an affair. You need to know what you need and take care of yourself. Make sure you are eating, sleeping and getting some peace of mind during the day. It may feel like the end of the world but I promise, you will get through this. Find a therapist or someone you can speak with about how you feel and the betrayal. It can feel very isolating and lonely but you are not alone. I hope that reading on here will help you.
Thank you so much for this post. I never thought for one second I would be in this position. I had no idea. I only found out a month ago that my husband had a one night stand while away on business. I know we have a long road ahead but strangely I feel that this is in someway a defining moment in my life. I will never be the same person again but in a positive way. You are right, I had no clue how strong I really am and how much I love him. This has made me realise who I really am and what I want. I want him but I need to be more confident and proud of myself.
This was exactly what I needed today- Thank you!
I read this post on New Year’s Eve. I found out about my husband’s affair four months ago on our 24th wedding anniversary. Your post resonates with me in every paragraph. I identify with your feelings almost exactly. I am ready for a new year with love and confidence. This has been the worst pain I have ever suffered in my life and I am just now beginning to feel the healing you describe. Thank you so much for this beautiful and honest post. It will enrich my healing experience.
You will continue to heal. It’s an incredible journey that I never asked for but I have found more strength from it than anything else in my life. I have learned more about myself, my husband, my marriage and love because of all this. There are times I questioned if I needed to learn this but since we cannot change the past–here I am.
I wish you love, happiness and health in the new year. Take care of yourself and know that you are not alone on this journey.
I found this in a fit of rage where I wanted to punch my husband so bad. Instead , I came into the living room and beat up the couch before hysterically crying. Then I googled how to deal with a cheating husband. This letter is so good. I found out 36 hours ago. I love my husband so much, and my emotions are so crazy right now! We will be going to see a counselor soon. I never slept the first night I found out, so this is the first morning I woke up. Once I realized what happened, it all came flooding back to me. Now I know what someone means when they say they feel like they are in a dream and they are waiting to wake up. Thank you for this hope!
I’m glad the words I wrote could help you when you needed them.
This was amazing and inspiring. I experienced similar feelings and emotions. This really hit home for me. Thank you for sharing.
This letter hits the nail on the head on how I feel in this moment.me and my husband of 5 years 8 together total together. It has been 90 day since I found out about my husband’s affair and in my case I was completely blind sided. One night my husband had left his phone lying around and I had an itching feeling to check it and came across a unknown contact in his texts with him asking for pictures. I confronted him about it and he said that nothing happened besides the texts but then after a lot of hesitation he confessed about an affair 2 1/2 years ago he had while he was on the road working and me and the kids were in another state. My body went completely numb I had no clue not a one. My trust was completely torn away from me and thrown in a blender. It took me about a month to come to terms with reality and another month to find myself again and open my eyes. I realized that his vows to me were broken but my vows to him have always been safely in my care. I love him and what better remedy for love is to love harder. When he tells me that he loves me I know he does with all his heart. He had some self conscious issues and it took me awhile to realize I had nothing to do with him straying away that he needed to know that as a man he still had “it” so to say. And this letter has come in perfect timing because I was worried as to why I just want to love him harder and be more passionate with him. Our sex life has improved immensely and has never been better. He is my soul mate and we are meant to be with each other I know that if it were more then just sex he would have left me and not have left the affair himself. Thank you for your inspiring words.
Thank you for your inspiring blog. I am almost 4 months from Dday. I too was shocked as I thought I had an unbreakable marriage. I knew that I wanted to fight for my marriage and this blog has been the most supportive and helpful. Your words bring much needed comfort.
Thank you. I hope you are getting the support you need. I know I depended on myself for the most part but there were times when I needed someone to take care of me too. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need.
This is amazingly written. I shared it on an infidelity site on facebook bc I think every betrayed spouse should write a letter like this to ourselves. Thank you for the motivation, you are awesome 🙂
This letter reflects what I am feeling right now. It’s been 25 days since I’ve learned about my husband’s affair and just like most of you, same days are really hard. I cannot help myself to think and imagine how my husband and the other woman acted so sweet to each other. Right now, I am still staying with my husband and yes, I feel so weak at the thought of not leaving him. I have been dependent on him for the past 21 years and have not imagined this will happen. I am trying to find strength and praying for guidance on what will I do and how I will survive on my own and most of all, I always think and am scared of how my family, relatives and friends will react. I am not ready for any of these. Hope you can give me advice.
As C.J. Grace says in her book Adulterer’s Wife: HOw to Thrive Whether YOu Stay Or not: “You need to find a way to be complete in yourself, rather than needing him (or any other person) to feel complete. It is important to be able to gain happiness and fulfillment from activities that are not dependent on your husband. This is true for any relationship. If you were to leave your husband and make a new relationship, you still do not want to have a relationship based on need, so that you only feel complete with that person. You want to relate to the other person from a position of strength rather than from a needy feeling of being incomplete. That is how mature relationships can develop.” This book gives you the tools to reclaim your life. It’s not just about telling yourself that you are smart and beautiful, etc., it’s about taking some actions and finding activities you can call your own, whether there is a spouse in your life or not. (Www.adultererswife.com)
Well said. Thank you for sharing with my readers!
The ancient Indian science of Yoga/Meditation is all about becoming complete in oneself, without craving for someone to make you complete. Once you practice it , you will be happy in giving love, not craving for it and be sad. Once you reach that point, whatever comes will be for the highest good, right people gets attracted to you. You may try – Art Of Living, Sahaj Marg, Sahaj Yoga, Brahmakumaris, Kundalini yoga, Vipassana etc. Some are free, others are paid,..the quality depends on how much deep you practice.
My D-Day was July 17, 2016. But his actual affair was 12 years ago..he just neglected to tell me. I am so grateful to have found your blog. I have been pouring over every word. Every day I have to remind myself to breathe. Thank you for this letter.
Wow. Thank you so very much for writing this. My husband and I have not had the finances for proper counselling so we have had to go it alone — thousands of hours of talking, analysing, soul-searching. realising, regret, tears, hugs, kisses … what you have written here is beautiful, insightful, honest, and so, so true. It is exactly how I have felt in terms of wanting my marriage to survive. Thank you for being grounded and keeping it universal for all who may not necessarily follow a specific spiritual path as well — I have been turned off of some posts because I do not identify with particular Christian views regarding God or prayers to survive an affair. I am a humanist and have searched psychology, friendship and that beautiful spiritual tie I have with my spouse that has been hurt but not destroyed: love. I am copying your post to my computer so that I may re-read it to remind myself of all the progress I have made. D-Day is in only 4 days and I am scared, yet because of our progress, oddly calm (and even excited to just move on). The world needs more positive people like you who do believe in communication, true forgiveness and seeking the real meaning of friendship and lifelong love. Hugs!
I will never be the same…….ever.
Amy – no, you won’t – none of us will and that is the main thing we have to deal with apart from all the other shit; your posts come across as having a huge amount of anger which I can absolutely sympathise with and I think it will ultimately give you enormous strength to come through the other side but the main thing is not to let that anger eat away and settle in you as bitterness (so, so difficult) – harness and utilise it to put yourself first and take no more shit. This is what I am attempting to do alongside a new ambivalence about whether to leave or stay in the relationship because ultimately it makes me feel like I don’t love him although one would think circumstances lead to the other way around. I’m seeking counselling for the first time since a 13 month ago dday to seek tools to help me take positive steps either way and to gain verification that I am reacting ‘normally’ (which, reading this wonderful blog and responses makes me thing that is so but … a professional … hey! Let’s see!) Wishing you some way through the anger and hurt – for all of us
Hi gil! I’m not the Amy that said I will never be the same. I do agree w/ that statement though. Today it has been about 4& 1/2 years since my life was turned upside down. Yes, I am, or was the angry Amy. And then I was sad, confused, pissed again, fragile , low self-esteem Amy. The list goes on and on….. I’m still with my husband. I guess I’ve been back to the “normal” life for a few years. Unfortunately I will never completely trust my husband again. That’s what really sucks. ….I still don’t wear my rings. The affair will unfortunately always be the elephant in the room…. So much luck to you!!! Some days will continue to be a huge struggle but others do get better. Let me know how the therapy goes. My 3 girls were my main strength to get through the bullshit. I just hope they never have to go through what we have had to endure. Hang in there and do what’s best for you!
Hi! I came across your letter today while I doing some of my many searches online to try and understand my situation and your letter really spoke to me. My husband sounds very much like yours, especially with the fact that he felt failure and self hating. For the past 2 years up until this past summer we worked opposite shifts so we didn’t have to pay for daycare (3 boys) and while it saved us in a wallets our marriage suffered from it. He said on the end of our family vacation/anniversary that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be married anymore. After crying some I asked for him to give our marriage a chance and let’s try to fix it before we threw in the towel. We did that and then I found out he was talking to a girl at work (a welder so the complete opposite of me a girly girl lol and there is like 12 years between them, he’s 35 she is in her early 20s with no kids), he said nothing happened but talking. We took a few days apart and he came home saying he was sorry and he loved me. Then about 2 weeks later I found out he was still talking to her and it was completely inappropriate messagea via email so I wouldn’t see it. So again he agreed to end it. Then we were doing ok for about a month and I met with a therapist and then we were going to do joint therapy. He told me he wanted a divorce then that he loved her and was willing to lose everything for her. I was devastated. While his dad talked some sense him into (his dad has had his own affairs but his parents were able to overcome them). My husband suffers from servere anxiety and depression so needless to say that caused him to have a nervous breakdown. I was there with him the whole time and was doing the best I could to help him through. Then he went back to being unsure of what he wanted and wanted to stay at a hotel for a few days. Long story short there she ended up showing up at his room after his took his sleeping medicine and he let her stay (our therapist believes this story and says she is like 95% and she knows how to tell when people are lying bc she spealizes in this kind of therapy). I flipped shit and he apologized and came home. I was having a really hard time dealing with it all and was breaking down almost weekly. Well the end of November he relapsed and started talking to her again (he even called off work twice to spend the day with her since they were now on opposite shifts – him daylight and her 2nd shift). So I kicked him out of house and he went to stay at his parents. I was devastated again but didn’t have it in my heart to end the marriage. And December has been a really rough month. We spent Christmas together though to make it the best we could for the kids. And our connection and spark was still there so it gave me hope. And then he went away for a few days with people from work and I am pretty sure she was there so I told him I needed space and that we would just talk at our next therapy appt. I think that finally got through to him bc last tuesday he said he knew what he needed to do but that it may take him awhile to get there. So I was trying to be patient. Wednesday we ended up spending the day together bc out furnace went (in sub degree temps too) and we had a heart to heart and just a really great day. Thursday we had therapy and while he wanted us he wasn’t quite ready to end it yet with her so i told him I would need space then until it’s ended. We were talking about my self esteem issues and he ended up walking out almost crying. He opened up some and said he loathed himself now more than ever. That he doesn’t deserve me and stuff. So I try to be positive and offer encouragement the best I could. Friday and Saturday night I was going to stay at my mom’s house so he could have time with our boys. While he started talking to me while i was packing and said that his plan was just not to talk to her and when she asks why that would be his window into it. And he asked if I would come home Saturday night so we could spend time together and have all day Sunday together so I agreed bc I thought he was ending it with her. We had an awesome day together Sunday. While a half hour before therapy yesterday (monday) I found out that he hadn’t ended things with her and I was crushed. I was angry with myself for letting my guard down. I was hurt bc I felt like I was still being lied to/played. So we talked for a little bit at therapy and then he left so I could have a one on one session with the therapist. Right before I left the therapist had said he messaged her and said he ended it not bc of our therapy session but bc he knew he needed to. I asked her if his message was good and she said oh yeah. But I go to get the kids and he says nothing to me so I was trying to give him space thinking thst may be what he needed. This morning I sent an email telling him that in order for me to end our no contact again (I said I would start it again at therapy while he continued to not end things with her) that he had to prove it was over with her and that he had to come clean on any lies/omissions he did and how far they went. That as much as that sucks it’s what has to happen for us really begin to try and move forward. Well I looked tonight and he was in the texting app he used for her at the end of his shift. I know it could be her just messaging him bc I can’t see anything except that he was in the app but it just hurts bc why not delete the app so she can’t contact you. I still feel like I am being played and I am just not sure how to handle this. I’m trying to stay positive and hopefully but it’s getting harder and harder to do. This letter definitely helped me. I’m trying to find strength in the struggle but some positive comfort would greatly and appreciated especially from people who have been in my shoes before. I don’t really know anyone besides my in-laws who asked not to be brought into any of this which I completely understand and respect. Any helpful tips to how to deal now and in the future would be wonderful too (please don’t say to leave him, I know that would be the smarter option I just don’t have it in my heart to file divorce papers yet). Thanks in advance
Thank you for putting this letter together! It gave me such a different perspective to what he could be feeling. It’s easy to get lost in one’s feelings, but he obviously is going through trauma as well. Seeing me broken & unlike my confident & positive self has to constantly make him guilty.
Two years on the other side of my husbands affair and our four month separation, I think he did me favor in so many ways. I hate the deception, the thoughts that still enter my head about him in bed with another woman, the lack of trust. On the flip side of that, I have a new peace and confidence in myself. I know I could, if I had to, make it on my own. I could take my babies and leave and figure out how to be okay, because I have done it. I don’t feel the same kind of desperate dependence on him and our marriage that I did before. I know at this point I am with him because I choose to be, not because I am scared to be alone. I learned during our separation how much I bring to the table. I am not perfect my any means, but I love with my whole heart, fearlessly, I truly see his needs and desires as a priority, I love his two children from a previous marriage like I do my own, I take care of a million little details about our life so that he doesn’t have to. I take a real interest in our sex life, in making sure that he gets how much I want him. I work hard and play hard and even though I could stand to lose a few pounds and I worry too much, I am a catch. It took what happened two years ago for he and I both to remember that.
Thank you for this beautiful message. I am in tears reading it. I feel that somebody there knows exactly how I feel, support me and encouraging me. Yes, I will survive. We will survive the storm. I am also a betrayed wife, of a marriage that I once believed a perfect one, had a supportive husband, great kids, great career. Everything was fine and he always showed that he cared about me, love me and so on. Until I found out that he had OW. Spend a lot of time with her rather than with family because of work, even going out to places out of town with her. I was fully blindsided all this time. The shocking thing that OW was his boss and also married. I asked him to resign and he did. He was truly sorry for what he had done and he wanted to do everything to fix the marriage. It is me who is still in trouble believing in him again. I am trying. God knows I am trying.