The Cycle of Anger, Hate, and Forgiveness After the Affair

Recently I’ve experienced these surges of anger that take hold of my emotions. It’s almost like a visceral hatred rises out of nowhere and fills my brain. I was sitting on the couch saying good-bye to my husband as he left for work and as I watched him walk out the front door I was angry. But not just angry, I was vexed with idea of him having sex with Bat Shit. As I stared at my husband I was internally infuriated, but on the outside smiling and wishing him a good day at work. He closed the door and it took everything inside of me to breathe out the hatred and let go of the past. Two weeks later, that same feeling swelled inside me as I watched my husband getting ready to go to a meeting.

During the first two years of this blog I regularly received comments from women (some OWs) that pointed out that my anger was misdirected. I was seething with anger for Bat Shit and there was a huge part of me that wanted to prove that she was a horrible woman and my husband was a pawn in her game. While I think that my mindset during that time was essential in order to move forward and continue to care about my husband, I know Bat Shit is not part of my marriage. Her intentions and actions have nothing to do with my husband’s decision to cheat on me.

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Is it possible that all of those emotions just caught up to me or is this just a normal part of forgiveness?

During the first few years it felt like it was up to me to forgive my husband. He apologized, showed his love for me, and met me more than halfway. He did everything I needed. He answered every question I asked. He was opening up and bringing me back into his world. I was falling apart and trying to find my balance in a world that seemed more foreign than I ever imagined. Loneliness took over after D-Day and I still have to remind myself not to completely disengage from the world. It’s easier to be sad when you are alone and sometimes I have just wanted to feel the pain.

I just read a quote that said:

Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself.

A few years ago, I might have pinned that quote on my Pinterest board and agreed. Forgiveness has been largely about me needing to make peace within myself and not continuing to fault my husband for his actions. It meant letting go of my hurt. But what if forgiving my husband for his actions is superficial serenity? Obviously, my anger means that I haven’t dealt with something.

cd04430dcf9befa46df1f3dad0d4727bBoth times I was able to let go of the anger and fill my mind with loving thoughts of my husband. I had to tell myself that I am happy with our life together. I focused on our future and thought about how much I love not just our life but the way he loves me. Maybe angry emotions are normal post-affair but I am not comfortable with them. Even in the beginning, I was uncomfortable hating or being angry at my husband. Is it possible I buried all these emotions so deep that they are now just surfacing? I know anger is a response to my problems. I just need to figure out where those problems are arising from and why am I still angry about the affair? I thought I was over that part.

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95 thoughts on “The Cycle of Anger, Hate, and Forgiveness After the Affair

  1. I understand completely. Mine has only been 14months. I’ll be fine for awhile then bam!!
    When I get like that (matter of fact I’m going threw it now) I can hardly function. How I hate it.

  2. I don’t think you ever ” get over that part” . I’m sorry to say that for all of us who have faced betrayal from the person we loved and trusted most in the world. I know we are advised that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself and I understand why this is said. However, our partners made a choice each time they left our homes , to betray us. There was no honour in what they did and so…. forgive? I think you can only hope to come to terms with it if you want to go on with your partner. Anger is reasonable in the circumstances and must be experienced, named for the hurt that it is, and then, hopefully come to terms with so you can move on.
    Take care.

    • It’s been two long months, it’s with me every day. I haven’t been able to make love to him because I feel inferior to her and afraid to be vulnerable but I want to love him, how do you put all those terrible thoughts about him out of my head?

      • Do not feel inferior to anyone…although it’s perfectly typical unless you’re some kind of ‘wonder-woman”.
        The terrible thoughts will be there for a while..but they will diminish to a degree. it all depends on the help and support you get, and the reactions/actions of your husband/partner. At the two month mark…I was barely in emotional control. Now…with the help of a great therapist, our pastor, and my husband’s commitment-actions…I am at least able to go to work; focus and look reasonably sane to most people I know except an extremely small group (3) of women I trusted to tell my ‘story” to. Rest assured, it will be better…but you have to pull yourself out of the hole by yourself–the first step is reaching out for help from reliable/trustworthy people. I tended to isolate for the first three months..fearing I’d blurt out anger and tell my story….to all who would listen. I am glad I kept it to myself…as the other hurdle for me was shame. For some odd reason..I was ashamed that my husband strayed. I now do not feel that anymore….but that was my evolution out of the hole and back into a more ‘typical” although ‘not the same’ life. Take it easy on yourself…take care of yourself…surround yourself with help and support. Oh…and medication…some anti-depressants helped me tremendously…and still are working!

    • Three months in after over 20 years of marriage – affair is over and I am staying with him and want to stay married but how can I truly love him again? To want to make love to him and not feel inferior to her. He said he loved her and the excitement of new sex was what he was after, so how doI sleep with him now?

    • I can resonate with this. I want to forgive but I do not understand how I can just do it? I want to heal…I want to be happy again, but I don’t know how. Everyone keeps saying forgive and you will heal….well I don’t know how to forgive and get over the resentment just yet.

  3. Hi “this will not define us, ” so nice to hear your thoughts.
    I felt deep compassion for my husband the day I uncovered his outrageous, ugly affair. I was so sorry for him because he is so stupid and didn’t know how destructive he was. Oddly, a potent mixture of success and failure contributed to his midlife crisis. We had a fabulous, glamorise life and a great relationship(?!). A tragic abused woman seduced him.He didn’t think and got high on the Knight in Shining Armor trip. I fought the good fight of shock, anger, forgiveness .
    I had an ephinay about him recently. He is only concerned with making himself feel better about hurting his family and me, possibly even a little proud he (had)been so important to us. Yet, he has no understanding of his family’s journey; only his. If he had his way, he would sit in a corner wallowing in self pity. Constantly reiterating “I have and will always love you.” It’s become as mindless as a mantra.
    My bat shit was also unhinged and did go after him, no question.
    He thought he wouldn’t get caught. Their long relationship based on her getting work from him and sex was ended when she demanded he leave me. He was astonished, had never promised her anything and “didn’t even like her., just sex.” When asked how he felt about her he imatated a hooked fish and said “being reeled in.”
    It makes no difference. He has a weak and cowardly nature, thinks of no one else, is unable to face any conflict or resist any temptation (alcohol, food, sex but mostly praise from clients and a big rush when helping someone he perceives to be lesser than him. They always manipulate that and up far more successful than he)….and he is constantly thinking he is being attacked or ignored. Neither is true nor an excuse for betrayal. I used to joke and laugh when saying “I always forgive but never forget, unless I forget.”and that is true. I have intense compassion for how screwed up he is, but as time goes by I am less interested in him being the only one receiving the compassion and love
    Thanks for the post x

  4. I’ve been struggling with the same experiences – Anger and even flashbacks that seem to bubble up out of the blue. We’re in such a good place right now (2.5 hard-fought years since DDay) that the first time it happened, my first reaction was WTH?! I’ve decided that I will never completely get over what happened. I’ve forgiven my husband and the OW and have put myself back together. Even with all of that, there are still “scars”. I try to just ride it out when they happen now. I consider them something that has worked itself loose from me and needs to be released. I let it go on it’s way, dust myself off (again) and move on. Easier said than done some days but it’s the goal.

    • Well said Anne. There isn’t a lot we can really do, we will never forget. Better to take the easy way and move on. It;s just a choice of “IF” you are moving on with your spouse or not. No sense of rushing a decision that you may regret. We are all human.

  5. I get it. I share this. I have the anger.
    I also understand how come I have that anger. He had the affair, and so he was there and I was left out.
    He knows all the dirty details and I don’t.
    It was ended because I found out by becoming the person I was not supposed to be, someone who spies on her husband; who goes through his pockets, and his phone and our bank accounts.
    He ended it and I was left out. I wanted to hear it.
    He learnt as I taught him and it drained me.
    I am not person I could have been.
    I feel I never received some form of justice.
    It all sounds so nice that forgiveness and I know all those people are right and they do it all better than me. They are so much nicer than me. I changed from a nice person to a person with anger.
    I know why as I believed in ethics and justice and fairness and I cannot deal with ambiguity. I am a science person, a quirky nerd who is honest to a fault.
    To me it all the philosophical crap lacks the concreteness of what I need and what will never get.
    I wanted to be there when he ended the dirty affair.
    I wanted to see this Dirt Bag and show that I can not be intimidated and manipulated as she did with my husband.
    I wanted to show that DB her shit. I know the person has no empathy, DB does not care about my anxiety and pain, and the permanent damage to our marriage but DB would certainly have taken notice of me showing her that she is just shit and that I am not scared of shit as it is just that!
    sigh…
    Dream on E, you never get your justice!

    • Fully AGREE @E! I want my dignity back…I want justice. I am still hating her and she still creeps into my thoughts daily. Wish I was stronger…but inch by inch…day by day…a work in progress.

      • Hi secondchances685,
        I just replied to Mary (my second reply) and I am trying to follow my own advice…to not spend any more time on “trash”.
        I am running…(in a good way).
        X
        E

    • “E” your justice is knowing that you didnt stoop to his level , although justified, and had an affair of your own. Your justice is also knowing that you did keep your integrity intact. Nerdy is not a bad thing, and maybe you should look at things a little bit differently.
      Do you really want to know all the details of their “sexual activities”? You may not want to know it. And just knowing the fact that he was unfaithful to you should be enough. Think about this also, and i know i am stating an old cliche, but “once a cheater always a cheater” should be ringing in your ears.
      And you are right the other woman does not care anything about you , because if she did , your man would not have been allowed to have sex with her. That is unless he didnt tell her he was married to begin with, which happens alot.
      As i have mentioned in a coupleof my responses, ultimately it is the spouse that is responsible for his or her actions. He is the one who was married to you period.
      If you had been faithful then you are not to blame, and you shouldnt own any blame period. I was told that her fling was all my fault.
      But I knew better, and thats why I was conflicted , until I came to grips with the reality that I hadnt done a thing to her that gave her permission to be unfaithful in anyway shape or form. Thus she owns everything she did, every nasty juicy detail, it all belongs to her and her alone. So unless you agreed to him having sexual relations outside of you , then he is exclusively to blame for his inability to remain faithful to you. Not you or the other woman.
      The other woman is just someone he used, just like he has used you. He wanted to have his cake and eat it to.
      Respectfully

    • E, I relate to everything on this stream, and especially yours. I resent what my husband’s affair made me become. And I didn’t get to be in on any of it, especially the end. He still wants to protect her because she is a “good person”. Why, if they were the ones who did such a terrible and torturous thing, am I the one who ends up feeling guilty. When I try to talk about it, he blows up.
      I am numb now, and trying to forgive and move on on a daily basis. He is remorseful and is trying hard to show me he lives me again. But what’s been shattered can’t be put back together like it was, can it?

      • I struggle with that same question – can it be put back together like it was? As much as I want my life and my being to be what it once was, I do not think I can be put back together that way. And if I were to be put back together then would that be ok since we ended up here? I guess we pick up the pieces, glue together what is necessary, and let what is broken find new meaning.

      • Hi Mary,
        It is hard to heal and “no” it cannot be as it was before, it will be different and there will be scars but it can be done when he does the work and it has to be him!
        I learnt (finally) that my H “protecting” the AP, is actually him protecting himself, as he made a very wrong decision and if indeed he admits that the AP was (excuse my language a slut), he admits that he went for a slut.
        He is protecting his ego.
        Once he lets that go, and he is humble he can take full responsibility and can also say that the AP was not worth all the pain he caused to you and to the marriage.
        The booklet by Linda J. MacDonald: “How to help your spouse heal from your affair”, can be found on the Internet for free, or you can download it on Kindle. It is a must read for your husband if he wants to be truly with you and if he indeed truly loves you.

        Another blogger recommended it to me and it is very well written. You will find it healing for you as well. As you read that indeed your H has to do all that to demonstrate that he values you and the marriage above all.

        Thanks for your message…we just keep swimming 🙂
        xxx
        Elisabeth

      • Oh and Mary, I also wanted to write that your H and also you (when thinking about it) have spent enough time on that AP. This is what I tell myself: All the time you (I tell myself) spend on thinking about “it” (the dirty liaison) and the AP, is wasted time spent on trash. It helps me to try to do something good and something positive.
        I started running 🙂
        Love
        E

  6. Five years after D day and I echo so much of what I have just read ……I need time to formulate a proper response which may benefit us both Sx

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

  7. I found your blog a month ago. It has been my go- to, my only seemingly reasonable source to not feel so completely crazy. I’ve read comments from ‘the hurt’ and I’m right there with each one.
    Your recent post about anger is so timely. I had an outburst of rage towards my husband last night. It seems I go for periods of time almost living as if it didn’t happen and then a small change, thought, or flashback comes back and I’m a total mess. Is this normal? Have I truly tried to moved forward? It’s like ten steps forward only to have twelve steps back again!

    I get these questions and ideas and wonder about details of the affair, it’s like I don’t have all the pieces and I’m searching for all of them so it can just make some sort of sense, only I know that it will never be that… sensible!

    Does anyone truly get past this? Do we always have to carry this burden of the unknown? Yes forgiveness seemingly is easy but the forgetting isn’t! I’m 1 year and 2 months out of my D day… just praying and hoping that this will one day not be a thought. Theses reminders that flare their ugly heads into my consciousness and take me back to anger, resentment, and a feeling of rejection that well only ‘the scorned’ could feel.

    I’m right there with you on this! Wishfully hoping this will get better!

  8. It’s been 4 1/2 years since my D-Day. I know after all this time I will never truly forget what my husband of 25 years did to me and our family. Robin posted that her husband seems mostly concerned about what happened to him. Seems the same is true for me. After four years, whenever we see our “bat shit”, he hangs his head, not in shame for what HE did, but for what HE has been through! It’s hard not to see “bat shit” as the destructive one and put the blame on her when my husband constantly does it himself. Yes, he was remorseful in the beginning, but I think he now believes that he was mindlessly manipulated by her and sees himself as a “victim.” And that is just plain BS!!! Some days I wonder if it will ever be great again. For now, my marriage is just okay. We’ll see what the next four years brings. But I wonder if I’m cheating myself. Don’t I have a right to be with someone who is as honest and open and I am? Still searching for answers.

    • Yes, of course you do.

      If we only had the control of our own future to ensure it.

      If we were cold enough to demand it, then we wouldn’t have anyone.

      Unfortunately there is the middle ground that we have no control over.

      Such is real life.

    • @ Sad in Michigan….me too…I am immensely disappointed in my husband…for his need to feed his ego and utter selfishness without any remorse of the pain and permanent damage that he would cause to his family…My H also claims she kept “trapping him” with her ways when he tried to break it off with her…the Poor Baby! I do think that my Bat Shit…a.k.a. Miss B…did selfishly take full advantage of his weakness for attention, ego food and “other” food…which makes him weak and pathetic. I too ask myself the very same questions. But I still LOVE him and do feel his LOVE for me. The only thing I can do is go forward cautiously and wiser.

      • Oh I could have written your reply Secondchances. The perfect storm of weakness and ego food. I also got the ‘I thought we could stop and just be friends’ but it kept happening…Yes she was ‘trapping’ him and taking advantage but he was not resisting the trap…he was walking straight in. Every. Time.

    • “Don’t I have a right to be with someone who is as honest and open and I am?”
      In a simple word, YES !!! And I am sorry you have not had that experience in your life. And that runs on both sexes. You as a human being should by all means be treated the way you treat others.
      This guy who keeps making his infidelity the fault of the woman “He” chose to have sex with outside of your marriage is a moron. That is his M.O.
      the best thing you can do for yourself is to divorce him. In older times he wouldve been stoned and then there would not be anything to wonder about. I would suggest not engaging him on any level with and about this mess “HE” created because he will always be the victim, and you the creator of his victimhood.
      Mindlessly manipulated? Falsehood number one , He knew what he was doing was wrong, I am a man and Iknow that men are not as gullable as all that , we know the difference between right and wrong, cheating and not cheating. Dont allow him to use that escuse for one minute!!!
      Would you allow and or give the woman he was having sex with the same excuse ? Probably not. IN fact I notice that women blame other women for their husbands bad decisions!!!!! As we all know it takes two to get to the place where they take clothes off and commit the act of sex they are doing.
      In my book there is no excuse on the face of this planet that could ever justify “infidelity” with maybe one exception, he was drugged, then I would take that with a large truckload of salt.
      Sad In Michigan the best policy is and should always be “honesty with ones self”. If you didnt deserve his behavior then that should be the stance you take. And if you have not engaged in extramarital sex then you have every right to be upset with him. But please allow me this observation.
      If after 4 years you have not reconciled this to your heart, I would wonder if you are in the place you truly want to be. These questions will never go away , and throughout the rest of your life they will remain. And you may never know if what you desire you could have as long as you give this man excuses for his behavior. Just my opinion.

  9. I feel the same as many of you. It has been 2 years since the physical affair and nearly 4 years since the first emotional affair with a different woman. I feel like a idiot that I stay married to a man who did this, but he is remorseful and he has sought help for his “addictions” since the last time. (Something that never happened the first time.)

    I stay because he is a good father and I have five (yes five) young children who love him. I figure he has until the last one goes to college to prove to me that he deserves me after all the crap. If he hasn’t by then, then I will be on the first plane to some wonderful place where I can adventure on my own. My anger can feel overwhelming, and even now the betrayal is shocking. But I also feel bad for him, because I know that I did nothing wrong, and he is the one who has to live with the terrible truth of what HE did. I don’t know if I could ever forgive myself if I betrayed someone I cared about the way my husband betrayed me.
    2 years later we are doing well, most days I am able to keep my anger to myself and I am able to treat him in a kind a loving way. (This is a miracle- really). He goes to see a great counselor who has coached him to respond to my anger in a rehearsed way, that he is “sorry for what he did and he can understand why I am so angry.”
    I take it one day at a time and look for the good in each one. Most days it is easy to reflect on something nice that would not have happened if I had chosen to leave. I just go from there and hope for another good reason tomorrow.

  10. 2yrs since D day, married 16 years when he did it. I keep wondering when my days will no longer be hijacked by the pain and anger my husband’s betrayal caused. But like many of you, I smile through the pain and move forward through forgiveness. It just feel like forgiveness is never final. It seems like I have to forgive him everyday. It hasn’t set me free yet. Those who know what he put our family through think that I’ve gotten past it, that I have forgiven him because our love is so strong. Whatever. The truth is, it still hurts and the pretending to be ok is just adding to my heartache. I will admit, I love him, but its not the same. Kind of like how Christmas wasn’t the same once I found out Santa wasn’t real. Sure, I was happy each Christmas when to get a gift, but the “magic” of it all is gone. I ask myself daily, did he do too much? Can I truly get past it? I don’t know. I just dont know.

  11. @ this will not define us. I have missed you! So happy to read your words. I feel differently with my Bat Shit …as i do feel “Her intentions and actions” had a lot to do with my husband’s decision to cheat…but I wasn’t even thought about during this time. It was only about them and fulfilling their own selfish needs…which is the part that hurts the most. Please keep writing…even the when you are happy…as I look forward to your words of wisdom and want to see how you are doing…in good times and in bad…Take care!

  12. I have been going through the same thing for about a month now, and it has been 2 years. Though it was “just” an emotional affair, I wake up angry and these intrusive thoughts permeate my mind all the time. I want ALL the damn details. I want to know when, where, how, WHY THE LIES, and why it was worth it. I want answers but get screamed at if I ask. I have yet to get a real, true apology, but he does feel remorse that he “wasn’t able to help her.” He repeats the story that she threatened to tell his wife and his work that he raped her so he HAD to continue to be her friend. Though he sure as hell wasn’t mine. Anger?? You bet. What’s that Dixie Chicks song..”Forgive? Sounds good. Forget? I’m not sure I could. They say time heals everything, but I’m still waiting…”

  13. I am 7 months into this new life. I have read read every entry you have and every heartfelt comment written in reply. I hate this!! I love my husband but I hate that this is a part of my life. Sometimes I am just so weary of this battle. I can not fathom how this woman deliberately pursued my husband and how he let her into our lives. I desperately want to write to her and tell her what I think of her but do not want to open the door to ” invite her back ” into our lives. She is a scary nut job! How does she live with herself?!?! How do you get past the visual of your husband having sex with someone else? I’m rambling, I know… I just hate this new life!

    • Beth I’m 6 months in and feel the same. I am just so tired of this crap in my head 24/7. I am exhausted. But I can’t stop. It’s a total overwhelm. I hate it too.

      • I’m 7 months in too, I wake up with a racing heart wondering and worrying everyday… how does this happen why didn’t I see any signs.., the hurt and anger and the thoughts that go through my head will it ever go away. When will I have a day a hour that I don’t think about what he did???

      • The first nine months were the hardest for me. I felt consumed by my husband’s affair. It was hard to imagine a day where I didn’t think about it but eventually I got to a point where I realized I didn’t think about it for an hour, then 2 hours, and then 6 hours. I don’t know how long I go now because the affair or her or her name creeps back into my mind when someone says it or there is a version of her name in my children’s friend group. I have retrained my mind to not fall apart anymore but sometimes I wonder if that is just the numbing of the pain or healing? Could be both.

  14. I think for me that the anger is an umbrella for some other emotions like hurt and fear, namely the fear that things might happen again. We are settling back in to life and I fear being caught off guard again. I DON’T LIKE SURPRISES! Not like THAT one anyway. I fear my broken heart will never mend, its been broken too long. I still hurt, and grieve, it was such a loss to lose the marriage I thought we had.
    I need to talk to my husband and share my fears. If he doesn’t know this is where I am, he can’t know to be sensitive to my needs right now. Will complacency lead to him desiring her? I even fear talking about this, reopening that coffin again. But it is a part of our life and every now and again I think its healthier to talk than to try to hide the issues I live with every day. And I need to listen to his version, for that intimacy is part of healing my marriage.

  15. I am almost 2 years after D day and have gone through all the emotions you can think of; anger , sadness , fear , despair, bewildermenthe, love , hate etc etc. I wanted ” us” to work so much but now don’t know if we can. My husband is trying but i dont feel he is completely honest . I can’t get over that he betrayed me. I can’t forgive that he betrayed me and don’t think I know what the point is anymore. I think I feel worse now than earlier rather than the other way around. The only positive is that I feel stronger as a person and now may be able to go it alone. Time will tell. I remain confused!

    • I am in the same state…. my D day has been just 8 months in the past…..i have wept the tears of blood, hate, shock, anger , resentment, sadness all of it. My husband of 20 years cheated on me with my BFF… they still have it going i think, its not ended. Till date he has not shown a single remorse or said sorry nor has he shared any details of the affair , nor promised that he will end it
      I feel like i am caught in this web of love and deceit and dont know where to go and what to do. For now I am holding it up as I have two kids and want to save the family

  16. I’m 286 days out from D-day, and I’m still unbelievabley angry. I’ve been wrestling with forgiving him, and I don’t want to…I don’t want to let it go. I want to keep punishing him. I want him to hurt as much as I’m hurting. My therapist says that anger feels powerful, and that’s partly why it’s hard to let go of.
    I don’t think it’s abnormal to continue to feel angry. Several of the leaders in my group therapy say they continue to have those feelings pop up years later, just much less often. You just feel it, process the emotions and keep letting it go.
    You know what makes me angry lately? Knowing how long I’m going to be struggling and dealing with feeling this way!!!! We saw the movie “The shack” last week, and I was bawling thru the whole thing and forgave him afterwards while I sat outside chain smoking and shaking and crying. I did it for me…I have to. This anger and pain I’m carrying is ruining my life and turning me into someone I’m not. For my sake, I have GOT to let this go, or at least start to. I wish it was a one shot deal. I think forgiveness happens over time, as you continue to process the pain and let it go. My therapist said this: don’t let someone else’s actions control how you feel about yourself. I’m trying to do that now.

    Thanks for your blog! I love your openness and honesty.

  17. I have lived through this more times than I care to admit. This last time was nearly three years ago. It is like a darkness that just sits back and creeps up at inopportune moments. But it is possible to live in a paradigm where you accept the progress you have made but then also experience such rage and animosity toward not only him, but her as well. “Bat Shit” stole something from you, and even though you are feeling peace, there is still the nagging reminder that this woman is never going to be sorry for what she did, never going to apologize for what she stole, and never going to pay for the hurt she caused. Yes, your husband was a willing participant in that transaction, but he remained to “take” all your vitriol and sadness. In some small measure, whether you can admit it or not, he has paid for his crimes in ways she never will.

    It’s good that you feel stronger. I know I do. My husband and I have put certain boundaries in place to protect our marriage and to ensure that we never have to go through this again. I know there are no guarantees but because of this experience we have discovered who we are as people, and as a couple. That has helped. She couldn’t steal that from us. And even though I still RAGE when I think of her, she can’t take any more of my happiness, and that gives me immense satisfaction.

    • Angrywifeletters, I would love to know what kind of boundaries you put in place to protect your marriage. We haven’t done much different – he’s just promised to be honest. But if you can explain what you’ve done to help protect you, I sure would appreciate hearing it. Thanks!

      • We started with the basics, the first of which was agreeing that neither of us would spend any time with someone of the opposite sex alone. If that couldn’t be avoided, then we would be completely transparent about it and let them know when, where, how, why etc. We also ask each other if it’s okay with the other. If it’s not, then we don’t.
        We would talk about everything, including who we were texting, why and what. Neither of our social media accounts, phones, emails, etc are off limits from one another. If we can’t show each other what we are saying to someone else, then we can’t be saying it.
        We have agreed to be honest about how we feel, even if we think it will start a fight. That was our problem in the first place, my husband had been so unwilling to be honest about how unhappy he was with certain things that he kept it bottled up to avoid a fight.
        We have regular “check-ins” with one another. If one or both of us are unhappy with something then we make sure we keep on top of it so that our feelings of discontent can’t get the better of us.
        We get to approve each other’s friends lists on social media too. If he doesn’t like someone I am friends with, such as an ex-boyfriend…then I have to delete them. Same with him. He had a woman add him a while back (she was dating one of his buddies) but she didn’t add me. I put a stop to it right away and he respected that, he deleted her right away.

        I can’t guarantee that he won’t ever cheat again, but choosing to trust him was also a boundary we put in place. Choosing to trust him put me back in control of my emotions, and I can choose when to speak about my feelings (when they come up–its rare anymore) about the affair, and he has to listen. He knows he screwed up, and part of the boundaries that we established was that I would never attack him while discussing the affair. I would speak in respectful tones, openly and honestly, and he in turn would respond to any question or feeling I expressed.

        The most important thing for us was the ability to express how we feel without the other person feeling like they would be attacked, reprimanded or rejected. When we keep that in mind we are able to have fruitful conversations that help to build trust, strength and healing in our relationship.

        Hope that helps. We endured a lot of counselling and mentoring in order to get to this place. It wasn’t easy, and it wouldn’t have been possible if I wasn’t willing to participate and acknowledge that I played a role in this too. I might not have been the one who strayed, but how I respond NOW is equally as important as how he behaves now. If I am unwilling to change, then our relationship would never grow or heal.

      • Sounds like a very detailed plan, and a very simple plan.

        By simple, I mean it is things that we should all be doing, ALL the time.

        Sounds like it is working.

      • For the most part it is. It’s easy to get complacent in any relationship, and we sometimes can take each other for granted. By performing regular “maintenance” we find we have fewer problems. 🙂 We still fight though…don’t get me wrong, we have some pretty brutal days too..but yes, we are working…

    • Angrywifeletters Hello, please do not take this in a combative or aggressive way. But nobody stole anything from anyone. They, both of them “gave” each other their bodies. Stealing is usually done without ones permission. But I would be willing to bet that he (as with all who are unfaithful) voluntary in his actions as well as she was.
      Being honest to ones self is of the upmost importance in thees types of situations, now if you said this “she offered and he took” then I think thats a bit more accurate. It amazes me that when we are hurt , myself included here, we put all of our hate and anger on the same sex as us. We want to beat their heads in when we should be beating the head in of the one who betrayed us, our spouses period. We want to exscuse them by thinking that in some way or another this other person had placed a magical spell on our spouses and then proceeded to rape them. If we are conflicted its because we “want” to believe that they would never do anything like this on their own, not to us anyways . So something from hell mustve hexed them into doing what they did. When in reality it was the actions of our spouses that brought about our heartbreaks, through deception and lies. Think about this!! Is it more painful to think that she vexed him or that he mightve went after her like the dogs they are.
      Usually the ones caught make up all kinds of excuses, and blame, shaming us at every turn, another form of deception. Dont excuse the one who is responsible for your heartbreak and aches, anger, frustrations. I tried to do that and except that maybe i had “everything to do with her infidelity”. But that just was not true. The only thing we are guilty of is after the facts are out we give the abusers the ability to make everything our fault. When in fact we were not given any reason to doubt them until they proved they couldnt be trusted. If we allow them to pile up the guilt on us then we have done ourselves a grave injustice, and are releiving the spouse of any responsibility for their choices.
      All of us need to walk with our heads high in order for real healing to occur within us. We did nothing that merited this kind of behavior from those who professed to love us then run our hearts into the ground.
      Sincerely

  18. Thank you, I feel so hurt and bewildered. It’s just two years since the man I thought was incapable of this gross act of betrayal smashed my hopes and dreams into a billion pieces. The fact I loved him so deeply and trusted him with every inch of my being, makes it all the more heartbreaking. Supposedly he sought her out for sex having spent months drooling over porn, but soon realised this was not what he wanted and started to back away and stopped having sex with her. So she very quickly started dropping originally subtle and then blatant hints that if he didn’t do as she asked she would tell me. Instead of manning up and telling me himself he covered his ass by buying her gifts and giving her money. She was literally just a whore. I discovered by checking bank statements. Stupid, stupid man. He and I have both had separate and marriage counselling and the changes in him are amazing. Its like he’s woken up from years of depression.Before this ever happened I had sometimes thought I was married to a benign ghost. He was visible but not really present. He has been hurt really badly in the past and sadly instead of dealing with it he let it fester for decades and when the lid blew off the pot I was sacrificed instead of those who deserved it. It doesn’t make it any easier but he is a changed man and it seems he’s seen what was right infront of his eyes all along. Life is actually wonderful right now and if we had reached this point by any other means I’d be really grateful. I pray in time I can see this as what it is. Less about me and my feelings of inadequatecy and more to do with his childhood deamons. For today the good outweighs the bad. He is genuinely horrified by what he’s done and the hurt he has caused. He’s doing everthing in his power to make things right, thats the hard part. Flashbacks and pain and if I’m honest jealousy still catch me out from time to time but I’m getting there. One foot infront of the other one kiss at a time.

  19. Thank you, I feel so hurt and bewildered. It’s just two years since the man I thought was incapable of this gross act of betrayal smashed my hopes and dreams into a million pieces. The fact I loved him so deeply and trusted him with every inch of my being, makes it all the more heartbreaking. Supposedly he sought her out for sex having spent months drooling over porn, but soon realised this was not what he wanted and started to back away and stopped having sex with her. So she very quickly started dropping originally subtle and then blatant hints that if he didn’t do as she asked she would tell me. Instead of manning up and telling me himself he covered his ass by buying her gifts and giving her money. She was literally just a whore. I discovered by checking bank statements. Stupid, stupid man.It only lasted less than three months but it blew my world apart. He and I have both had individual and marriage counselling and the changes in him are amazing. Its like he’s woken up from years of depression.Before this ever happened I had sometimes thought I was married to a benign ghost. He was visible but not really present. He has been hurt really badly in the past and sadly instead of dealing with it he let it fester for decades and when the lid blew off the pot I was sacrificed instead of those who deserved it. It doesn’t make it any easier but he is a changed man and it seems he’s seen what was right infront of his eyes all along. Life is actually wonderful right now most of the time; and if we had reached this point by any other means I’d be really grateful. I pray in time I can see this as what it is. Less about me and my feelings of inadequatecy and more to do with his childhood demons. For today the good outweighs the bad. He is genuinely horrified by what he’s done and the hurt he has caused. He’s doing everthing in his power to make things right, thats the hard part. Flashbacks and pain and if I’m honest jealousy still catch me out from time to time but I’m getting there. One foot infront of the other one kiss at a time.

  20. Thank you for this post and for all the comments. I am 1 and half years into my DDay. I still feel like I can’t breathe, suffer from insomnia and experience anxiety thinking about them together. My husband is very remorseful and said that he made a BIG mistake. Hearing that helps. Accountability and genuine remorse is important but for a long time he was in denial. Now he is very different which is a good thing. I recently learned that my sister was aware of his meet ups with the OW which now I am suffering another betrayal. It is an AWFUL feeling. I would also like to know from Angrywifeletters about the boundaries you have in place. Anne and E, your comments and words are so helpful to me. My husband and I are in couples therapy which is immensely helpful and necessary. It is a journey and we are committed to each other, our marriage and our family. Sigh.

  21. Mine has also promised to be honest, but for the first time this morning I learned he is wholly incapable. I think he is a chronic liar–with everyone–and I can’t fix him. I knew before he had serious self-esteem issues; thus the reason he’s had 2 emotional affairs, maybe more. These women pump him up, believe his lies and exaggerations, and fawn over him–the way I DON’T, I suppose. He left his Facebook page open this morning. I knew he had been talking to someone he worked with a few years ago because he’s mentioned her, hasn’t kept that from me, but I noticed not “notifications” of comments on posts but private messages. He’s extremely good at trying to cover his tracks, deleting texts, emails, etc., and most of these messages with her have been deleted, except this last one from last week which really was pretty benign. Except he lies about how he is back in college (he’s not–he’s never gone to college) and details about his classes. And about how he worked out with the big guys at Gold’s Gym–never happened. I can see her already starting to fawn over him because of all these wonderful things. I can’t fix him. Now I have to keep a close eye on what’s progressing here which I am SICK of doing. But there’s no fixing this marriage because he can’t help himself.

    • Hello Deb
      I just love them pathological liars, they can tell you right to your face that nothing is going on, say you are the best thing that ever happened to them, while they have stuck the butcher knife in and keep turning it round and round and round. I am glad you have come to the logical conclusion that ” you cannot fix him”. Personaly I think you and anyone who’ve been on the recieving end of this kind of behavior should just pack up and move out or make the defiler of your home leave. That would make you feel much better. I know it did me. I’d also be willing to bet after what you have said , that he has since moved onto his next object to defile.
      You are right he will never change because he doesnt want to change, this is who he is, what he is and who he will continue to be for the rest of his natural life. And you are in no way responsible for this. Its all on him.
      Get out when and if you can. Or make plans to do so asap.

      Sincerely

    • Deb, so sorry for your continued plight. Only you can tell when you have had enough. You will have to use whats left of your communication with him to find out what gives with this development. The ultimate decision lays with you. So sorry for your situation. Best thoughts are with you and your family.

      • Thank you. I don’t communicate with him anymore. The last time I tried to open up and pour my heart out to him in December (because of a trigger I experienced), he let me rage and cry for an hour, and then he said “Well, remember when you said blah and blah and blah?? And that must have meant it was your fault for blah and blah.” No I’m so sorry, no remorse at all. I told my counselor who told me I should not cut off communication but should keep trying. Why? So he can blame shift? All he talks about is politics, and I ignore him. I’ve tried so hard and I’m so tired. He’s now on work comp and soon may be on disability, and I’m working two jobs and going to school. Meanwhile he does nothing but Facebook but still feels he did nothing wrong in trying to “save” these women. Boy do I understand the anger.

  22. It is nice and discouraging at the same time to hear others that feel the same way I do. I am only a year in. Still feel the weight of it every day. So emotionally draining and know it is just the beginning of healing. My husband is doing everything right in terms of being a better person. Quit drinking, becoming more spiritual and counseling etc. I have told him I am proud of him, but just hard to come to terms of all the deceit and lies. He had an affair with his good friends wife. They were both friends of ours and we hung out every weekend. This has affected so many peoples lives it makes me sick. Some days I just don’t have it in me to try anymore. UGH!! Such a long hard journey that I didn’t sign up for!

  23. It’s been nearly five years and I still get sad and angry. Most recently when I found out she had had a baby with the husband she cheated on. I wanted so badly to send her a note saying that I hope her family is tested the way she and Bug tested mine. Petty, I know, but I still wish her ill.

    Like you, I explained away bugs role to myself so that I could move forward with him. It worked to an extent. But at what cost now? He’s doting and dedicated, and I’m inwardly bitter, outwardly happy. Most days, I don’t know if I’d choose this life again.

  24. I think many betrayed partners who remain in the relationship are ” inwardly bitter outwardly happy”. Intimate betrayal is a peculiar and unique kind of pain. I still don’t know if I’ve made the right decision ( for myself , as opposed to my husband and family) in remaining. The sadness will always be there if we think about it. However, you can gain strength and perhaps be more of the person you might have been if you can focus on your own needs . In looking for any positive , for me, that might be it. I am now less protective of my husband and his needs and have started to think more about me and what I need going forward. I feel less dependent on him and I am glad of that.

    • YES!!!’ I’ve tried to do the same thing. I’ve stayed but I put my own needs higher up on the list. You’re absolutely right… if there’s any positive, that’s it. Taking better care of myself.

  25. I understand the random anger. Every time I hear of another spouse that has been cheated on, I get pushed off at my husband all over again- the lack of self control and selfishness. However, we r 2 years after D-day, and very hopeful for our future. I have learned that forgiveness is not a one time thing, but something that I have to choose to do daily, just as love is something I need to choose to do daily. Wish it was easier, but it isnt.

    • That just hit me. “Forgiveness is not a one time thing.” Yes! Thank you for writing that. I think I felt like I wasn’t forgiving him because of how angry I still am sometimes. But now I realize the job of forgiving him for his actions isn’t a once and for all sort of thing, it is most likely a daily act.

  26. Hi there. Please posts more about your journey. I have the same experience and feeling as yours. I feel better reading your posts and it enlightens me more about this journey we have to take and choose. I hope to talk to you more. Btw, mine happened last year, just last september.

  27. Thank you angrywifeletters for sharing your process, I can relate to setting up healthy boundaries and it helps to hear another perspective. I struggle lately with trust and also a need to confront the OW. Is it a waste of energy to feel like I want to rage at her or should I continue to hold my head high/maintain my dignity? It is all consuming sometimes and I STILL wish her ill, I so want to hear that karma bites her. Sometimes it is hard to breathe. That’s where I am right now.

    • @Goldengirl. When my husband had an affair after 16 years of marriage with a coworker, I “addressed ” her. What I got back was an email filled with apologies and lies. My therapist encouraged me to contact her through phone or email because any other way may have not ended well for her. I tried calling her several times, but she wouldn’t take my call. Coward. So I sent her an email. Her apologies were worthless. She even tried to gain my sympathy for her being so screwed up. She lied about never contacting my husband again, yet tried repeatedly to contact him. You have to decide what’s best for you. Do you want to hear what she has to say? I wanted to hear her acknowledge what she did and apologize. But she didn’t mean it. So not sure if that helped me at all. Like you, I wish her ill will. I want justice, but doubt I will ever get it. 2 years since D day and life still hurts.

      • Thanks Dee, I am sure it was cathartic for you to write that email. I am still considering contacting her. My therapist advises against this. I am so tired of holding my head high, taking the high road, blah, blah, blah………..ugggh it’s awful! I wish I could hear that karma comes around her way, I actually pray for this to happen. She is a loser bar fly who has a history of baiting married men. Narcissist…….

    • Hi, I have never commented before but I read everything so maybe I won’t feel alone….I despise the O W, and we were calling her Bat Shit before I read it here. It’s been 11 months since his d day confession, and tonight I am in a terrible place. St Patrick’s day is the day the hooked up, and continued for two years, a drunken bar pick up, and he was targeted for ,months by a female sociopath ( yes she really is one-multiple affairs with married well off men) doesn’t excuse him one bit but that bar star knew what she was doing and has absolutely no remorse. We have found a lot of help with Anne and Brian Bercht, beyond affairs website. Highly recommend it. However, I am struggling tonight, drowning in pain. I wonder if this ever stops, I feel really good much of the time now, then it comes back…..it’s torture….its cruel and the bitch that partnered in this crime got off Scott free. I hate her and will never forgive her, not that she cares…

  28. Just curious for those who have gone or are still in marriage counseling, how long did you go for? Did your husband seek individual counseling? How long did he go for?

    • We went for two months, took some time off and went back six months later. Then I continued a few more sessions. She seemed to feel like we communicated well and didn’t need as many sessions.

  29. I am 99.9% sure that the affairs I know about (and really, will we ever know the truth) were emotional. Had even one been physical, I would not be here. I’m not sure how you all do it. It was bad enough being deceived and betrayed emotionally, being promised he was “done” with the last one, then kept seeing her for another year and a half. As it is I’ll never trust him again.

  30. I want to apologize in advance… I don’t want to bum anyone out but it’s been about 15 years since DD#2 for me. This past January we just “celebrated” 25 years of marriage. Tomorrow “March 18th” happens to be the day she (my wife) met her OM in a parking lot at a K-Mart about a mile away from his house…

    I say “celebrated” because we didn’t really celebrate. We went away for one night. It was a little awkward since I just revealed to my wife why I was going back to therapy. (see below).

    I don’t know if it was the 25 year anniversary that has me back here (where-ever this is) or if it was the recent loss of my dad (he passed away last September) or if it’s because of one of a number of other things that seem to be screwed up in our lives right now (needy kids, bills/debt, more bills, working too much, little to no sex, etc). Then again, it could be because I just can’t forget…

    We saw a therapist for many months just before during and after DD #2 (our therapists name was Barb) and she was such a huge help. God, I think I owe her so much. I was so hurt. At that time we had 2 kids, I was working full time in a job that was burning me out and by the grace of God I was about 10 or 11 years sober at the time of wife coming clean w/ DD#2 (I still am as of this writing.). Anyhow, Barb was a Godsend. Without her DD#2 may never have happened and my insane suspicions were true at last. My wife finally told me the truth after one of our many sessions. I can’t remember how long we saw Barb but she ended up moving away to take care of her aging father.

    After Barb moved away we saw another counselor. She was nowhere near as good as Barb and we decided to quit going to therapy. Life continued on as it does with a young family. Eventually, I switched jobs, my wife started school, she eventually finished and started working full time, we had another baby, I switched jobs again, my brother killed himself… Life came at me/us full speed. Before I knew it I found myself here tonight reading this blog because I have been googling things like: “No passion in marriage after affair” and “sex life not the same after affair” and “long term effects after affair”… etc

    So I tried seeing a counselor on my own about 3 or 4 months ago. Again, the loss of my dad was still somewhat recent but he was very bad for 3 years prior to his actual death so I kind of had the chance to grieve that loss before it happened. Anyhow, it took me about two sessions to realize why I was feeling the need to go back to a therapist.

    I have not dealt with it all…

    FUCK (can I swear here?) Sorry if that’s not allowed but that is a true response to how I feel. For some God damned reason I REMEMBER March 18th and pretty clearly at that. I remember her “showing” me how she kissed him that night (after DD of course). But in all self honesty I now have my doubts that kissing was all that occurred that night. After all, they were ~ a mile from where he lived. They were alone. It was well after dark. She went to meet him. Plus I remember Barb saying something once or twice about how my wife needed to answer my questions: Something along the lines of: “You need to answer his questions but you don’t need to be cruel” and I also remember my wife’s close friend (that was having an affair of her own at the same time) say something like: “You mean you told him (me) EVERYTHING?” To clarify: Supposedly, this 2nd affair was an emotional one only for my wife. Her 1st affair (about 2 years after being married was more than that.)

    Yep, 15 years later. I am here…

    It still hurts, it still sucks sometimes, I still get triggered on occasion, I still have unanswered questions. I still wonder if I was told the whole truth.

  31. I go through these and usually when I am on my period or right before. Sometimes they are really random or when we’ve been nice to each other. It’s like I have to remind myself of what he did so that I can stay on-guard. Or maybe I do it because if I feel like I let go of the anger and not let those thoughts around, then I’m letting him off the hook for the horrible things he did.

    I’ve thought it over and thought it over. Anger is a secondary emotion. For me, it is a defense mechanism. I feel like if I move on and am happy again, he will think what he did is ok, forgiven and forgotten.

    I have always struggled with forgiveness. I just can’t wrap my mind around it. And that is why I eventually chose to let him go. I don’t think I ever will forgive him. Maybe I’m just being stubborn. *shrug*

  32. Seems I’m doing everything wrong. I live in negativity. I am three months out from D-Day, and have experienced the ‘death by a thousand cuts”, in knowing full details of their relationship. Emails and texts were sent to me. In sum: three ‘car” romps (heavy petting) and one failed hotel experience (by mutual emails..there was not sexual ability by hubby, nor sufficient “response” by the OW for either to attain pleasure. Nonetheless, sexting emails continued, and no further meeting was suggested by either. I just can’t get past the betrayal of becomming “:she” in their emails.

  33. Well, the “Inwardly Bitter, Outwardly Happy is me to a T. I am about to see the 6th anniversary of DDay and sorry, but it never goes away. It’s easier (most days) to handle, but I am still SO angry about it. If he doesn’t answer his phone or call me back right away, my mind goes directly to bat shit. Although she is married now with two toddlers, so I know that won’t happen, but I’m still pissed that he can sleep all night without thoughts. Don’t get me wrong, in the last 2 years it has gotten tolerable, but it will NEVER leave your mind. I do remind her every year by email… I send just 2 words, this year it will be: 6 years. I told her when I confronted her, “if I have to live with this the rest of my life, so do you” and I meant EVERY DAMN WORD

  34. Kris… I am envious that you were able to confront her! I so desperately want my Bat Shit to hurt the way i did, well still do. Your email to her is awesome! I sent mine an email the other day of a meme with a girl washing herself… words were something along the lines of scrubbing your tuna box for someone else’s man. I know.. very immature yet so cathartic to send it to her.

    As far as anger. Well I am only 1 year and 3 months into this horrific life altering nightmare. We are together. It’s the most difficult to think he gets off completely free with not having to hurt and me forever trying to get past this and to have one day of no reminders.
    We did counseling, we check in and communicate more than ever before. Yet I am well simply afraid of getting to a point where I allow myself to trust him again, if that can ever be possible? I mean if for one day I am not in a state of ‘ it ‘ being present in my thoughts somewhere… am I just setting myself up for it to happen again?

    I NEVER want to be that same damn fool again! My Bat Shit will continue to be reminded as long as I suffer!
    Thanks!

  35. Exactly 2 months since D-Day for me. I, too, have been married 10 years and have three children. My husband cheated with a co-worker. I am numb. I cannot function in this new world. My heart literally aches.

  36. I haven’t read your posts for a while. They provided me with so much support in the early days when I was trying to work it through with my husband. I struggled for two years to work on it with my husband. But he was incapable of honesty just wanted me to “get over it”. Didn’t honestly seek therapy like you husband did. And never really grasped the magnitude of the pain he had caused. My 12 daughter was diagnosed with cancer which proved to be the final breaking point. As even through this he could not stop thinking about himself. I realised he was a weak man who came from a family where you lied to each other as a normal way of behaving. We are separated now. Its lonely and I still feel angry. But I suppose the overwhelming feeling is sadness. We could of had a good life and he threw it all away. I try to remain friendly with him and even supported him recently when his mother was ill and eventually passed away. I never knew I had that strength (he has carried on with his batshit while my mum was dying). I suppose what I’m saying is that life will never be the same. I find your posts reassuring I was wondering if the anger would be better if I had stayed but maybe anger is something we all live with because someone made a selfish decision.

  37. I need some advice. Would any of you be able to forgive and stay with your husband if he did what mine did to me? Aug 25, 2016, my son was 5 months old, I found a text to another woman saying he loved her and completed him. I found out he had started having an affair while I was pregnant, even writing her an email while sitting next to me in the hospital while I was in labor. After discovering this text, I found that he had a secret female friend for our entire relationship, 10.5 years. Told his friend he loved her. She said his (our) son was cute just like his daddy with a little winky face. Then his co workers told me they thought there were more women. He lied and said no. Then two weeks before Christmas I find out there were two additional women. One he had sex with for about a year, unprotected of course. And he almost got her pregnant just a few months before our son was conceived. I thought something was going on and confronted him about it. He made me cry and think I was a crazy jealous wife, so I befriended this girl (she was 12 years younger than him) and actually had her at my son’s birth! She held my son before my husband did. So at my son’s birth, my husband was messaging his girlfriend and had his past lover come visit. Then I find out this all started three years ago. So for three years he had been cheating with 3 different women!! All were younger women, two were 12 years younger, and two were married. He even started back up his last affair after we had been fighting for a few months. I have lost respect for this man. I have a comfortable life but I can’t deal with what he did. Would any of you be able to forgive all this?

  38. Some days I try to keep as busy as I can to deal with this, and other days…sometimes he says or does something so incredibly stupid that I can’t believe it. We were discussing the thing with the VP, Mike Pence, about how he won’t go out to eat alone with a woman. I kept harping on it, saying that I thought it was great, hoping he’d take the bait. He really didn’t say much (because to this day he thinks he did nothing wrong by going out with a woman to lunch several times a month for TWO YEARS and not telling me), but finally when he commented that you never know about a marriage, I quietly said “I think we both can agree that I was royally burned by you and this same behavior,” and he nodded in agreement. He refuses to talk about it any more but I keep baiting him. That’s probably not fair but when he decided HE was done talking, I still had/have questions. I get screamed at if I ask them. I am still waiting for an apology, and when he gets in a bad mood I just ignore him and never ask him what his problem is…he doesn’t care about mine.

    • Oh, and he will never regain my trust when he does stupid things. He never makes a fire in the fireplace, ever, even when I’m sitting there shivering. But a week ago he was going through mail, and all of a sudden jumped up and said “It’s been a while since we had a fire.” Before I knew it he was throwing some papers in there. I didn’t ask.

  39. I just learned of my husband’s affair in September after 17 years of marriage, 25 years together. The ‘skank’ was someone who has wanted him for 30 years and when her husband served her with divorce papers, she turned up the heat on my husband. Don’t get me wrong, I blame HIM. He accepts 100% fault, but I’m sorry – I feel she is responsible too. When a woman knows the man is married, she is at fault as well. I am still new to the process, we have decided to try and make things work. But this truly sucks. I’ve started writing about my experience as well, getting it out seems to help –

  40. I understand the anger. The waves of anger. The resentment and the need to understand. What hope is there if he will not speak to me or does not know himself. Which is why I started a blog too. At first I was shy about it but should I be. It’s my life too. Good luck with it all, I shall be another voise out here too. x

  41. I am coming up to 3 years since DD. My husband has been remorseful, committed to me, us and becoming the man he can be proud of being. He is kind , loving and reminds me every day how much he loves and cherishes me with his words and actions. Sounds great, right, but for me it feels it’s done out of guilt and in the hopes I will magically ‘let go’ of the past and his 3 year affair, during part of it I was battling breast cancer. I cannot move past this, not completely, some days it is easier and others impossible. Some days I can keep it to a low simmer and on the surface seem ‘happy normal’, others I boil over. Why can’t I embrace the relationship we have worked so hard to create together. Sometimes I am so angry at myself for allowing myself to be treated like I was even before the affair, like I was never good enough, like he was the grand prize, where inside himself he knew he was a pathetic man and the worse I felt the better he felt.
    He acknowledges all of his past behaviors and worked with a psychologist for two years to work thru it and become the good man he is today. I also worked with the psychologist but not for the length of time he did. I know he is a completely different person but sometimes when I look at him I see the cheating, lying, selfish man he was. It almost freaks me out when I think I am still with and love this person who did all that to me, us.
    I think I feel this way, anger, resentment, because it is some control I have, compared to the lack of control I had for so long. I know he feels pain for what he did to me and the devastation it has caused me but when he seems to be moving on I feel I need to bring him back because I am not there yet, ready to move past it and not address it. We can have a great week, where I even find myself feeling vulnerable with him and then I have this need to remind myself of everything he did. I guess it is fear,, fear of what? Losing the control, which was never important to me before, allowing myself to be open to hurt like that again, I don’t know. All I know is it is overwhelming and I am tired of carrying it but yet I don’t let it go!! Maybe I just have to realize I will always hate what he did but I don’t have to hate him, that it will always be a part of me, us, and I have to accept it and move thru it.
    Sorry for the rambling thoughts, it’s been a rough couple weeks.

  42. Hi Kimberly. I wanted to say something to you , give you some kind of encouragement in this dreadful situation we find yourselves in. I too have had breast cancer during this time and I realise how much I resent the waste of my precious life dealing with all the emotions from his selfish, self- centred behaviour. My husband too tells me daily how much he loves me. It will never be enough Kimberly because they have taken away the authenticity of our marriage. However what we need to learn is that WE ARE IMPORTANT. we need to put our needs first now- in a very real and concrete way. You have learned a lot about you in this process and have had huge strength ( I know it doesn’t feel like that!) That is a great thing- you are a strong, independent woman and YOU MATTER.- A great deal! Kate. Xx

    • I am four months out from D-Day, and yes….just about every moment I look at him, I think of “how could you have done this to ‘us”…and “….you slept with her”. My only consolation is that the one-time rendesvous was unsuccessful for both parties. He being Mr. Softee, and her being…um…left high and dry. But by consolation, I don’t mean that exactly…it’s actually bitter irony, that the ‘almost” affair occurred in texts & emails which she sent to me. “Death by a thousand cuts” as one therapist on Ted Talks describes as the ‘details’ of knowing all that occurred in their affair. Although he is remorseful; overcompensating; professing daily love and devotion; going to therapy; meeting with our Pastor weekly, going to a 12 step, and an avid new church-goer….it’s shallow for me. He asked our Pastor to be present (with me) when he made the ‘final ending” phone call, warning of continued (yes..she stalked after he ended it), would result in legal action. I had asked for a lie detector test, which he complied with. I wanted to know if our 15 years were littered with affairs…and they were conclusively not. A ‘one time” only affair is still an affair after months of secret/sex communication, and a failed hook up, still is the same.
      One person said here: “…lost the authenticity” of our marriage. What was worse for me, is that his affair spanned over the course of our almost 2nd anniversary, my birthday, and his birthday. Painful details included checking his phone records after D-Day and seeing his daily calls to her fell on those days as well. After being together for almost 15 years, we married two years ago. So basically…a newlywed marriage, and vows burned shortly thereafter. Things will never be the same, and I have developed major health crisis since discovery of what I call ‘the trauma” of it all. That’s for another blog. But yes…the anger is still there…yet i go through the motions. I smile, say thank you for all he’s doing..but silently know…this is never going to be the same. Which….I guess I’m grateful for..to know who I married, without illusions; with my head no longer in the clouds, with the realities of a narcissist in my home.

    • Thank you Kate for your encouraging and supportive words. It helps to know you are not crazy for having our confusing feelings. Do you have empathy for your husband? I have always been a person of empathy for others, taught my children empathy for others and have always felt it was an important part of being a good human being. Now I find I have little to none for my husband. Feels so odd for me to be like this, I do for others just not him. It actually kind of scares me, does this mean I don’t actually love him any more? I don’t know. He was walking down stairs into the garage a few weeks ago and fell, hurting himself quite badly, I heard it, knew it wasn’t good, he didn’t call for help so I just let it go, thinking well there goes karma kicking him in the ass, literally. I would never have been like that before. I think about it alot cause it bothers me and I feel maybe it’s because I had loved him so much before and gave of myself to him so much before that now I just can’t do it anymore, not authentically anyway. Just wondering if you ever feel that way?

  43. Kimberly. I feel the same way. It has been a little over a year since DD and my husband has done everything to repent and become the person I knew he could be. I was robbed for so many years with him being self absorbed and all about himself. Living like a teenager because he didn’t want to face the real world. He is now being everything I wanted him to be, but at what cost? I still can’t feel the love I used to have. I do still love him, but not fully in love with him anymore. I live one day at a time hoping it will come back. His words don’t mean much to me, when I know some of them were said to her. His affair lasted 5 1/2 years with good friends of ours that we spent almost every weekend with. The other couple are separated and she is now living in our neighborhood. We are looking to move, which I know won’t fix the problem, but at least I won’t feel like I’m sharing this house with her anymore. It is going to be such a long road, Just taking it one day at a time. UGHH.

  44. you are a stupid bitch!!! such a stupid uninteresting story fuck you and your fucking life!! you are just a stupid coward

  45. I don’t know if my situation is considered worse or there’s no worse or worst when we are punched in the face with infidelity. I recently discovered my husband had his first experience with a prostitute 14 years ago. He stopped after 3 visits. Was clean for the next 10 years and started again for the past 3 years. In all, there were about 15cases of prostitution. In addition, he also had an affair with an ex-fling twice, he even fly across countries to see her to rendezvous. That’s not the end. He also had one homosexual encounter which he claim he could not complete the act. He is not gay but he’s just so lost that he is experimenting all sort of sexual encounters. He lied about the frequency and duration of his infidel acts after I found out and I have to dig for myself the truth. All being said, he is suffering immensely from his shame and guilt right now and has been diagnosed with moderately severe depression. His mental health is unstable with various types of hallucinations and suicidal thoughts stemming from his shame and guilt induced depresssion. He had seen psychiatrist, counsellors and pastors but the progress is slow. He is pleading with me to give him a second chance but I am so broken myself that I don’t know where to start. The spectrum, duration and intensity of his atrocious acts haunt my every waking moment for these 4 months. Like so many of you warriors ladies here, I am battling with disappointment, anger, hate and forgiveness, forgiveness that I’m so reluctant to give if not for my children and his mental stability. Ladies, is it really possible that things /he/life will get better and we will heal??

  46. I would love to know what other blogs you read that you found helpful – in either direction of a final outcome (reconciliation or divorce). I’m about 9 weeks out from D-Day and feel like I’m drifting in an endless ocean, never knowing which direction is up. I started to read your story from the beginning, but I still don’t know which way my story is going to play out. Although DH has cut ties, he still has access to her through social media – what he says is they don’t talk, but he can see her posts. He hasn’t committed to working on our marriage, leaving me to wonder if he will ever commit. Lately, I find myself even questioning if *I* even want him back after this, if we’re too damaged to recover. Endless drifting on an endless ocean.

    • He needs to block her. Not just unfriend but BLOCK. My husband blocked every single woman on Facebook (while I watched) which either was or COULD BE a threat, including ex-girlfriends living in other states. That’s because he flirts incessantly and then it gets closer and closer, and I’m not going to deal with it anymore. I have full access to his Facebook account and he has access to mine. I can and will read every single notification and message he gets. It has just been a few years but he has not proven himself trustworthy yet. You have to have that boundary in place. He doesn’t get to communicate AT ALL or that’s that.

      • I struggle with the strength to stand up and set boundaries. Just last night, he basically said he wanted nothing to do with outside help (counselor, support group, online group) to work on our marriage. I know I’m “young” to this process – 11 weeks since initial D-day, 4.5 weeks since the last physical/verbal contact. I’m getting help for me through a support group and online curriculum. It definitely hurt though to hear that he “doesn’t know what he wants” and isn’t willing to get help at this point. For someone who does well with quick solutions, this is torture!

  47. @ BMR, try to hold on as best you can. It is still so raw and new for you both. My husband was in denial, very resistant to getting help and was not showing any remorse or accountability at all in the beginning. I believe this is a direct result of the intoxicating high they feel in the throws of an affair. It’s an addictive reaction. If you can, insist on getting help together, separate. Give him a little space to clear his head/thoughts. I know that is difficult but it’s necessary. However, remain vigilant with a sharp eye. Check his emails, texts, social media. Block her from everything. That’s what I did and to his knowledge. Good luck and my best to you as you endure this.

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