Infidelity Trax | Passenger | Let Her Go

Well you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her goOnly know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you’ll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you’ll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

But you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
‘Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
‘Cause you loved her too much
And you dived too deep

Well you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)
And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)
Will you let her go?

‘Cause you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know you love her when you let her go

‘Cause you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go

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Infidelity Trax | Pompeii | Bastille

I was left to my own devices
Many days fell away with nothing to show
And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Great clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from aboveBut if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You’ve been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

We were caught up and lost in all of our vices
In your pose as the dust settles around us

And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Great clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You’ve been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

Oh where do we begin?
The rubble or our sins?
Oh where do we begin?
The rubble or our sins?

And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Great clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You’ve been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

If you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?

The Blame Game

crossroads_detailI am at a crossroads. I’ve been marching along on this journey of healing, rebuilding my marriage and self-discovery for eight of the longest months of my life. There have been times I believed I was healing at breakneck pace. At one point, I believed I could get through this faster than any other betrayed spouse. Don’t we all want to believe that we can take some kind of accelerated course and find ourselves on the other side of the healing? Don’t we all want to feel like Anne Bercht and say that our husband’s affair became the best thing that ever happened to us?

With a huge gulp, trying to swallow those words, I nod my head begging for his infidelity to have some positive meaning in my life. Well, of course it has meaning. His affair has changed me. Regardless of his intention or motivation, he gave his time and energy to another woman. Last night as we lay in bed I asked him how it feels to know she lied to him during their entire relationship. How many conversations did they have based upon her lie that she was separated and going through a divorce? How many times did he go to her just because he felt sorry for her and felt like he was the only person she could talk to? Then I wondered what lies she told him that he doesn’t remember because he didn’t respond to them. I pondered out loud how tiring it must have been for her to keep up with all her lies.

Then I had to laugh. Shit! How hard was it for my husband to keep up with the lies he was telling me? Here I am asking him how it feels to know he was lied to by some woman who means nothing to him and is out of his life forever. Yet, here I am, married to a man who lied to me for the same period of time. For the most part they were lies of omission. But, there were times he flat out lied. He lied to me a year ago on the only night he took her out on a “date.” I called him for two hours trying to find him. When he finally called me back he lied and said he was out with his boss. He lied to me the night she stopped by his office and they had sex and he came home late. He lied when I told him I didn’t trust her and he compared their relationship to one I had with a male co-worker. Guess what? I wasn’t sleeping with my co-worker. In the end her lies don’t matter to me, only his.

Back to my crossroads (sorry for the tangent). I have been at this stop sign for a few weeks unable to get myself in first gear and continue. I am done hating the other woman. The facts are that she is evil, crazy and she tried to steal my husband. I am not blaming her for my husband cheating on me but I know her lies influenced his decision. What I realize now is that I must hold him fully accountable for the affair. He’s been willing to accept this responsibility all along but I wasn’t giving it to him. I was pushing it back on her because it’s easier to hate the other woman than my husband.

Maybe this is a defense mechanism. I hate Bat-Shit and blamed her for the affair and now the blame is shifting back to my husband. I love my husband and the betrayal already stings like a bitch, so it was easier to blame her. We have to believe that our husbands were trapped and tricked into having an affair. He didn’t know he was stepping in shit until he smelled it on his shoes later. The truth is he ignored what was going on in his own life. How could my husband’s affair partner tell him in an email she wanted him to “have this affair” but he didn’t know they were going to sleep with each other until he inserted his cock inside her vagina? He was ignoring his reality and continued to for twelve more months.

I asked him a few nights ago how aware he was that he was having an affair and cheating on me. He said that on a scale of one to ten his awareness was a three at most. He says some days it was a zero. If you watched the VLOG, Getting Caught, from Always Yours, Bee, you may have seen her husband say the same thing. During his affair he was judgemental of a friend that cheated on his wife. He couldn’t see that he was doing the same thing to his wife and family. He couldn’t see that he might face the same consequences of a broken family when his affair was discovered. My husband could completely relate to Bug. His defense mechanism was not allowing himself to absorb what he was doing. My defense mechanism was to not give him 100% of the blame. But now that has changed.

I am stuck here trying to move forward but frustrated by this new phase. I am still hurt by his actions. I want to get moving again but I feel a new sadness. Every time I think I am regaining control my mind slips back into the darkness. How will his affair become the best thing that has ever happened to me? I have to hold onto this blind faith that each phase of recovery is a step forward even if it feels like five steps backward. I hold on to the fact that through this entire thing my husband has been my rock, my support and strength… my best friend. Often times it helps to share my fears and struggles here on my blog. I can share them and then let them go. I am ready for something better now. Let’s go…

ps hope

The Infidelity Dance: Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

I have come to hate the infidelity dance. Over the past fourteen days, I spent ten of them feeling great, happy, positive, no tears/sadness over the affair, just forward progression. ImageThen Tuesday night–SLAM! There’s that wall again. Right in my f-ing way. I didn’t even see the wall, in fact, I drove myself right into it all on my own. My husband and I settled into our bed on Tuesday night and I had some ideas and thoughts I wanted to share with him. After reading the posts about the Hoffman Institute program on the blog Fulfilled Entrepreneur, I felt like a light bulb went off in my head. The process of healing at the Hoffman Institute begins with determining where your negative behavior patterns originate (most likely from your parents–just like you positive attributes/behaviors are learned from your parents). Here was my A-HA! moment:

My in-laws are excellent parents and it’s difficult to be critical of them. They value family as the number one priority and are close with not just their children, but their children’s spouses too. I have a special bond with my mother-in-law and most people have heard me comment that I am very lucky to have them as a second set of parents. But, if I try to be critical of behavior patterns, I find that they have criticized my husband’s jobs and career for his entire adult life. They rarely brag about him or his business(es). His successes are met with criticism and almost a disdain for his career choice. What is even more disturbing is that my husband’s career is also his passion. He is one of the fortunate people in the world that gets paid for doing a craft he enjoys and loves. So how must it feel for your parents to criticize your passion? How must it feel for them to tell you on a regular basis that you should do something else with your life? I always thought my husband ignored these comments. I expressed to him on multiple occasions that it bothered me because I love the way my husband approaches his career and business(es). I love that his business doesn’t shut me out and I can be as involved as he needs or wants me to be.

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But maybe he doesn’t ignore these comments and disapproval as much as I thought? What if this disapproval was magnified when my husband was unemployed for the period before his affair? What if my husband couldn’t see reality because the perceived disappointment was overwhelming?

A few scenerios may be the result of this perceived and presumed disappointment. One, the advances and attention from his affair partner was appealing and felt good for his ego. Interestingly, he never revealed to his affair partner that he was unemployed for an extended period of time  before they met. Since she did not know the truth there was no question to his success and talent. Had she known his length of unemployment and the difficulty it imposed on his family, she may have found him less attractive. All she knew is that we live in a wealthy suburb and he drove a luxary car. He didn’t want her to know what could be considered “failures” in his career. In fact, he even hid them on his LinkedIn resume. Two, he wanted to revel in the feeling of disappointment. As his wife, I never faulted him for not finding a job. I actually expressed on multiple occasions that he should hold out for a position suiting his level of experience–don’t settle for a miserable job. We weren’t broke (although we went through quite a bit of our life savings). Disappointment has been a part of his life and nothing he was doing managed to deter my confidence in him. Nothing. He was still the best at everything in my mind. But it’s possible he wanted to disappoint himself and punish himself for not meeting his own expectations. Three, another part of this equation is that I began working again and I gained a sense of independence. There was a thought in his head that I no longer needed him to save me. I could save myself. I could even decide that I wanted someone else to save me. Fear sets in and he may have realized he was comfortable in the feeling of disappointment he evoked from his parents. Afterall, even in disappointment he gained their attention. Growing up in a big family with a bunch of siblings you have to steal your parents attention somehow and if disappointment is the solution–then you found what works. Maybe his wife [me ]might respond to real disappointment. Maybe I might give him the attention I was neglecting to give him if he actually disappointed me. I know he felt neglected. He felt like he had to fight for my affection and attention and he was at the bottom of my list.

And the truth is, he was last. 

The kids came first. My best friend was a huge focus in my life. The dog was competition. I was trying to impress people at work so I could earn more money, get a promotion, and feel needed. I loved my husband but I didn’t make our marriage my number one priority. Everyone and thing else seemed to come first because I was certain that our marriage was a rock and nothing could shake it. I was content and happy. I felt our lives needed to be centered upon the children because they are only living in our home for eighteen years and after that we had the rest of our lives together. I thought about how small of a fraction those eighteen years really are in the grand scheme of things… and I wanted to focus all my energy on loving and developing amazing kids. And they are amazing–so I must be doing it right. Right?

Wrong. 

I was so certain my marriage was indestructable, unbreakable, solid. Our love is admitedly like nonother and unique. The love we share with each other was perfect, fulfilling, inspiring and true. The love we share is like a fairytale romance and in many ways his affair hasn’t changed that feeling.

So the question begs: How did I hit a wall? Why did I feel like I was moving backwards in our progress on Tuesday night?

Because my husband sees his childhood as it was–good, happy and fun-filled. He sees his parents as the amazingly wonderful people they are and he does not want to blame his mistakes and failures on them. They did not fail–he did. I am not sure if he was offended at my suggestion that his choice to enter into an affair may be rooted in the lessons he learned from his parents, but he was going to defend them and continue to blame himself for being a “bad” person.

I couldn’t communicate with him that he’s not a bad person, he did a hurtful and wrong thing. But while we were talking Tuesday night he shut down. He wallowed in his shame and guilt. He got stuck in the hatred he has for his actions but he directs it at himself. He defines himself by this one mistake–cheating on me–instead of all the amazing things he’s done for me.

He had an affair and he didn’t want or go looking for one. He slept with another woman for a year and he didn’t even want to be with her. How do you continue to have sex with a woman that you don’t want to sleep with? Most men that have affairs admit to being caught up in a false reality where there were no consequences or responsibiliites. But I am struggling to find a man that relinquished his own desires and needs for the lustings of the affair partner. If you are out there–explain to me how you can’t end the affair when you don’t want to be there in the first place? Why even pretend to be interested in the other woman when you really feel nothing more than a mild friendship, if that. Why allow her to even continue to contact you? My husband’s most famous comment post D-Day is:

My relationship with her [the AP] was built to end.

That statement drives me f-ing crazy. Why would you build and invest time in something that you wanted or expected to end? Why would you spend one speck of time with something that was dead from the start?

So my wall was hit. I spent almost all of Wednesday pissed off and angry. I recovered by Thursday and now I am feeling good again.

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The only thing that makes sense to me is that he is comfortable feeling like a disappointment and as long as he was with her that is exactly what he was–a disappointment.

My husband’s AP might be a sociopath.

ImagePart of trying to heal from infidelity is therapy. Before my husband’s affair I had never been to a therapist but I do believe in good therapy. A friend of mine recommended her therapist to me and after we called multiple therapists listed on-line, I found her therapist was the only one who returned our phone call. Our first appointment was a week and a half after D-Day. We both felt like our therapist was easy to talk to and asked the right questions and said the what we both needed to hear. She gave us suggestions on ways rebuild our relationship and heal from his affair.

In my life I have always taken on the role of the friend who is everyone’s safe place to open up and let down their guard. So it only makes sense that after D-Day, once I had wrapped my head around the the fact that my amazing husband had cheated, I dove into the how, the why and the how to make sure this never happened again. I read books and blogs about infidelity–just like all of you. Like most of us, my story wasn’t quite the same as anyone else’s story. So through our therapist and my listening skills, we discovered some comments from my husband that were red flags. Here are the comments we’ve flagged:

  • The friendship progressed so quickly. I felt like we went from strangers to best friends in less than a month. I figured that meant something but I didn’t know what.
  • She was constantly showering me with flattery, affection, adoration and gifts. I felt like she was so attentive to me–she really listened to me.
  • I can’t tell you much about her–her hobbies, interests, birthday, her age–I don’t know any of it. Everything she told me were things she said we had in common.
  • She claimed her ex-husband abused her emotionally. Yelling at her all the time. The end of their marriage was all his fault. She was a good wife and mother, he was the horrible one. [Yet every encounter my husband had with her husband never revealed anything of the sort. In fact, her ex-husband recently stopped by to ask my husband to treat him and his kids like everyone else if they run into each other. Their conversation was almost amicable, if you can believe that.]
  • She told me over and over that God put us in each other’s lives for a reason. We were meant to be together. We were soul-mates. It was odd.
  • I wasn’t physically attracted to her. It was her charming and charismatic personality that drew me in. I’d never met someone who was so caring immediately–from the start. She cared about me so quickly and everything she said seemed so genuine. Who would give you that much attention if they didn’t truly care?
  • I felt like if I didn’t have sex with her I was going to lose the relationship. I told her sex would ruin our friendship but she insisted on our relationship becoming physical. I never felt inclined to have sex with her throughout the entire affair. I guess I did it because she offered it to me and I felt like I didn’t want her attention for me to end.

Now here are things I noticed:

  • In just one year she sent my husband 720 emails to his “secret” account. We are talking page-long, five & six paragraph essay style emails. She also sent daily emails to his account I have access to on a regular basis. When checking his cell phone bill she called him 145 times a month. Speaking to him for about 1000 minutes a month. Sending him 350 text messages a month. Constant contact. And, I will note that nearly all the communication was done DURING normal business hours. 
  • Two weeks before their relationship became sexual she told my husband in an email:

You are going to have an affair with me. Our story is like a Hallmark movie and this is meant to be. 

  • She wasn’t shy about telling him what he was going to do. Despite him telling her that he didn’t want to have a sexual relationship. 
  • When I discovered the “secret” email account I emailed her asking her if she really cared about my husband how could she do this? How could she ask him to risk his family and relationship with his children, parents, etc? I told her to tell her husband before I did [I was unaware of their separation/divorce]. My email was brief but came from a place of pain and that was clear. Her response to me was short and simple:

I am divorced–I’m not married anymore.

  • She had no remorse. I never got an apology–not that I expected one.
  • She emailed me a month after D-Day asking ME not to contact her ex-husband with details from the affair. [I had texted him the day after D-Day to tell him of the affair.] She told me to delete all the emails in the secret account because her ex was relentless and would find the emails. What’s funny? I deleted them that night. Not because of her ex–because I was done going through them and hurting.
  • Her resume/work history is impossible. She is 36 years old with over sixteen years of professional work on her resume plus four years off to have babies. She earned two bachelors degrees from a university in two years. One of her listed degrees is not offered by the University and the other one does not allow double majors.

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So was I surprised when it was suggested that my husband may have been a target? No. Was I surprised when our therapist suggested my husband read more about personality disorders, specifically, sociopaths? Yes.

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Last night I began reading a book online about sociopaths entitled, Red Flags of Love Fraud, and my husband was silently listening to me read to him. His affair partner fits the profile in 8 out of 10 categories. In fact, their relationship is a text book example of the way a sociopath creates a relationship with a victim. In fact, he recognized the patterns in other relationships in the OW’s life too. Her first husband told my husband they never should have married or had kids but she pushed for it, mandated it. They didn’t date long before they married each other either. The weren’t married long before she insisted on having children. He always knew that he shouldn’t have married her.

What does this really mean though? My husband still had the affair. He still had a choice and none of his actions are dismissed even if she has a personality disorder. In fact, it worries me that he let his guard down so easily. I thanked him for inviting a sociopath into our lives. Wtf.

Recharging the Female Libido

Every so often I find myself turning on the tv and watching a show I never intended to watch. Today, it was The Talk and their special guest was Jill Blakeway, an acupuncturist and clinical herbalist. I was going to watch one of the hundreds of shows sitting on my DVR for the past few months. [I just haven’t had time for tv like I used to before the affair.] But then Jill Blakeway caught my attention when she said this:

One in three women, of all ages, reports a lack of interest in sex, and more than 40 million Americans in relationships are having no sex at all. But rather than feeling complacent about it, most couples would like to have that interest back. The desire for desire is a feeling few women forget—or abandon.

Yes! That was me for the past few years before and during my husband’s affair–tired and exhausted, desiring sex but unable to find the energy for it. I would hear statistics that the average married couple is having sex every 4-5 days and think, really? Who?! I wished I was having sex daily but I was so damn tired of keeping our household running that by the time the kids were in bed The Bachelor Season 587 seemed like a better idea. What is her first piece of advice in the book?

just do itJust do it.

Thinking back, every time I did “just do it” with my husband, it felt great… better than great, as amazing as it always had been. The passion wasn’t gone in our marriage but the initiative was gone. My husband’s touch didn’t always feel warm and sensual during the time of his affair and it was easy to dismiss his advances. I felt like he wanted something I couldn’t give him but I didn’t know why or what that was at the time. Hindsight is 20/20. When we did make love, or even have rough sex, it connected us and I wanted more. I would even make advances on him the next night even though we hadn’t had sex in weeks in between. Proving the theory that the  more you have sex, the more you desire sex.

Her next piece of advice:

valentines-day-love-hd-wallpapersKiss your spouse every day.

Kissing is the first thing to go in a long-term relationship. Yet, kissing is very sensual and proven to be sometimes more intimate than sex. I admit, I was no longer kissing my husband every day before and during his affair. Despite the fact that before we married I told him that every day we needed to kiss for a minimum of twenty seconds. I saw on Oprah back in 1999 that couples need to kiss for twenty seconds every day to keep the physical connection between each other. I listened to this advice for a few years… and I can’t even defend why we stopped kissing, I mean really kissing, everyday. It’s wrong. In fact, if we french kissed it meant we were going to make love. And I will admit, the first time my husband and I kissed it led to us making love. We had been developing our friendship and relationship for three months before we had the opportunity to kiss. Neither of us planned to have sex that night but once his lips were touching mine we were done. We both laugh because he was pouring me a glass of wine and I was leaning against the cabinets in his kitchen when we first kissed. The kiss lasted two hours. The power of a kiss can change your life.

Reading through the Amazon “Look Inside” the book I discovered something else in Jill Blakeways’s book, Sex Again, which spoke to the why my husband never felt sex with his affair partner was good. She speaks about what makes sex good.

Good sex is about a connection between two people. It is about the mutual flow of energy between partners, with both people giving and receiving it. Good sex comes from and/or takes you toward a state of balanced energy. You can get up to whatever exotic high jinks you like, but without the exchange of energy between partners, sex will never be deeply satisfying. Energetic connection is important, not just to the sexual experience, but also, ultimately, to the relationship itself. sex

My husband has spoken of how sex with his AP was unfulfilling and empty. He never felt connected to her and he did not feel comfortable touching her in romantic ways. It’s not entirely surprising but one might think that an AP offers a place to be a sexual deviant and fulfill your secret desires. And I never really expected my husband to pursue sex with his AP in a deviant manner because we have always explored sex openly and freely with one another. But you would think that a woman is offering you sex on a regular basis and you are accepting that you might feel good about it. The thing is good sex is more than just spreading your legs and offering it. Good sex involves love and is an expression of love. Good sex is mutual and it’s not just about you or me, it’s about us. Good sex requires both partners to be present in the moment, loving each other and in their head. My husband admits he was never” in the moment” with his AP and imagined me in his head while having sex with her. Jill Blakeway gives advice against having bad sex that I wish my husband had read before his affair:

Nothing good will ever come from sex that is exploitive, abusive, coerced or violent. … Bad sex is sex with an inappropriate partner or in inappropriate circumstances. … None of that will do you any good. And to the degree it creates physical or emotional pain, it can even create problems in physical or mental health, or in the relationship. Bad sex depletes energy.

I hope that anyone out there in a sex-less or depleted sex marriage puts an effort in to recharging their sex life. Making love to your husband is necessary for both partners to feel loved and safe. Good and healthy sex connects our energy with our spouse and connects both partners to their spirituality and place in the universe. When you spiritually feel and understand your place in the universe, you will have a sense of inner peace. If you feel disconnected sexually from your spouse, make the effort and communicate your needs and desires. If there is one thing I could go back in time and change it would be my willingness to discuss my diminished libido with my husband. I don’t know if it would have changed his decision to have an affair but at least I would have been honest.

Children and Infidelity

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I hear my kids in the other room down the hall giggling, playing together and happy. If there is one thing in my life that is perfect, it’s my kids. My husband and I have put 150% of ourselves into them making sure they are confident, happy, loving and caring children. Every parent loves their kids and thinks they are great, but I guarantee if you met my kids you would say: “wow, those kids are pretty amazing.” [Not to pat myself on the back or anything.]

I was reading information on infidelity this morning at the bottom of the list of articles was a section on children. My husband and I have not told our children anything. During the affair, my kids were aware that their father was disconnected. They voiced their concerns to me just before I figured it out. One of my son’s told me he felt that his father was not engaged when he was home with us anymore. He was concerned that we were arguing (we only argued when my husband was gas-lighting me too). My son was concerned. I was concerned too. Knowing that my child had concerns was my breaking point to going through my husband’s emails.

My husband and I are very involved with all three of our children. We aren’t those crazy parents that over-schedule our kids but our kids play at least one sport throughout the year of their choice and have to be involved in the community through a club/organization of their choice. Whatever else they do is up to them but school is their first priority. Working hard and doing their best is a lesson we feel is most important. Being honest and trustworthy is also important to our family.

I don’t want to tell my kids about their father’s infidelity. I am afraid it will change them. I fear it will change how they view and respect their father. I still have feelings of humiliation that I am dealing with. So when I read an article today about the positive aspects of telling young  (school-aged) children about a parent’s infidelity it took my focus off myself. The article said that being honest with your children allows them to understand that they should be honest with you about sexuality and life’s challenges. They talked to children that know about their parent’s infidelity and the kids said that they knew their parents were still their parents. They were reassured that the parents loved them and were going to work on their marriage (or sometimes not) and this was a life lesson.

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I am torn. As you read above I have a son. I am fearful of how this knowledge will affect my son’s opinion and respect for his father. My husband literally taught my son while he was in his affair about the importance of a man being honest and trustworthy. My son will recognize his father lied to him. My husband will be humiliated to admit his affair to our children. Although his humilation ranks low on my list of why we shouldn’t tell the kids.

Before I read this article I believed telling the kids would lead to them someday cheat on their spouses… almost like telling your teenager that you drank or had sex as a teenager.

Do as I say not as I do

type parenting. Even if you are saying this is why you shouldn’t cheat on a partner–kids respect their parents and they may not see the negatives. I fear my children will feel they can make the same mistakes and be okay. The article believes that the truth may be difficult depending on the age of the children and that teenagers and adult children actually have the most difficulty with the knowledge of a parent’s affair. But the author told her children when they were eleven and thirteen years old and feels strongly it was the right thing to do. One of the reasons is that an affair is built on secrecy and when you keep your spouse’s affair a secret it perpetuates infidelity in society. Telling people the truth teaches a lesson that

affairs happen to good people in good marriages.

Honesty with children helps them to be honest with their own sexuality and relationships when they grow older. The author compared the mindset of an affair’s secrecy with the way a teenager sneaks around to have or explore sex.

Is telling my children going to destroy their happiness and innocence? Do my kids need to know to be better people and prevent infidelity in their own lives? Who out there has told their children? How old are your children? I know that at least two of mine are in the age range where they could know about their father’s affair. I just fear them having a fallout with their father. I fear them losing respect for him or me. I don’t want them to fear we will divorce  when I am having a bad day or their father doesn’t answer his phone or is working late. I don’t want to break their hearts or destroy their happiness. I truly believe that kids only get to be children for so long and we shouldn’t rush them into adult issues too quickly. I also don’t want them to ever make this mistake in their marriage.

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