I am a thirty-something woman. Strong and brave. I discovered my husband’s yearlong affair after 11 years of marriage and 16 years together. We have three amazing children. We love each other deeply and passionately. This will be the story of how we heal.
I write to give myself hope.
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Healing After My Husband's Affair 
I have a question I no longer feel married. It infuriates my “husband when I say that. Being married was not about a piece of paper or a legal arrangement to me. Instead it was a commitment but once the commitment was broke to me the marriage ended. My question is does this sound wrong to you that the married feeling is gone. I do not feel guiltybif I flirt or look at another man. I feel single again.
I know how you feel Notmylife! I just discovered my husband’s betrayal. And when I looked at my engagement/wedding ring all I could think of was the promises made when I was given these. It’s not about the paper – it’s about the promises and commitments made. Promises now broken and to me it feels like the marriage ended too, because that is what, to me, a marriage is built on. I guess I just don’t know if a new beginning is with him or on my own.
Jenn I hate the situation that you are going through but please k ow I so appreciate your responding. I needed to hear that my feelings are normal. My well I don’t call him my husband anymore so I will call him the betrayer tries to make me feel bad for feeling this way. Like I have some sort of control over these feelings.
Hi Jenn!
My name is Sasha Fuller and I’m a producer at a daytime talk show. We are working on a segment about repairing a marriage after an affair. I’d love to chat with you.
You can reach me at 212-259-1588
or via email at smitchell-fuller@zoco.com
Looking forward to connecting.
Be well,
Sasha Fuller
Producer
212-259-1588
I am so relieved to hear someone else understands my thought process. My well what ever you call him now has the nerve to getad at me for how I feel.
Yes, Notmylife…I feel the same way! It’s normal. Part of the process whether you work on marriage going forward or not… it’s your heart and mind protecting itself. Sometimes I even let my husband know I find another man attractive or just don’t hide the flirting in front of him. If he was able dish it out (in a deceptive way)… he should be able to take it. I can never possibly humiliate him back they way he slandered and humiliated me but it’s a way of at least balancing some of the scales of injustice of his affair. Good luck w/your healing.
I completely understAnd how you feel!!! I believe it’s normal, and it will come and go. One thing I have learned (well I knew it before and therefore I CHOSE to not cheat) is that love is a choice! Yes, it’s a wonderful feeling too, but when it becomes a choice in the bad times, and you CHOOSE to [show] love and act on it, rather than your feelings of anger and pain, you will be rewarded. Not necessarily by the actions of your partner, because it will take major self examination, intense honesty about themselves and their actions/choices, and most of all, time for them to see the treasure that you have given them; faithfulness. But rather you will have confidence in yourself that even though you were in a place you never imagined you’d be, you chose to love.
That being said, you must listen to your instincts about where the relationship is going. Do you plan on staying married? Are you willing to give him up or can you see yourself with another person?
You are worth far more than what he has shown you!!!!! Continue to be worth more! I did and I have to say it makes me know that I am worthy!!!
I struggled and still do at times with what you are going through. I desperately wanted to know that I was attractive to someone, not just my *dumb-a** husband who tore me/us to shreds. In all honesty I still think he WAS a dumb-a**! Was being the key word!
I agree on the Dumb A comment. You made me smile because that is my word for him too.
This is a wonderful blog. I have been searching for something to validate my decision to stay in the relationship after my husband ended our 20-year marriage with affairs. In August of 2014, I found out about the first one that occurred in January 2011. In December of 2014, when he finally quit drinking alcohol once and for all, he came clean that there were more affairs that occurred in 2012 and 2013-2014. Since then, he has stayed completely alcohol free and has done everything I have asked to rebuild our relationship. Still, I cannot wear or look at my wedding ring, which I returned to him, but I am hoping for the sake of our family and children that we can stay together and rebuild. Maybe someday we can renew our vows with new rings. Maybe not. I hope to be able to forgive him someday and also release the anger and utter hatred I have for the women (yes – there were 3) who were all married themselves and who all knew he was married and still chose to participate with him in his disgusting display of egotistical, self-serving, smallness. Thanks to the author of this blog and to all the wonderful commenters. Reading this has been helpful to me. Blessings to you all and best wishes for the successful outcome of these life journeys for all of us.
I agree! My husband came forward on his own and disclosed his 7 month long affair. We have been married for 15 years and been together 24 years. WE have an amazing life and 2 wonderful children. We were the couple that everyone would envy. We helped other couples. Now we ARE those couples. I had a hard time finding a story close to our affair. I love my husband and there was never, I REPEAT NEVER a moment when I thought about ending our relationship. We became so close so fast after the discovery day. We are praised by our counselors and close friend who shares our new scar. It was really hard to find a blog that displayed true whole-hearted surrender and tones that really wanted to work things out. With grace, I know our situation is different but betrayal is still betrayal. I am so grateful for this blog.
Your affair and relationship situation sins exactly like mine except we have 10 children. I’m sorry for the pain all women suffer from this.
I wholeheartedly agree. Have gone through something similar and also have never thought stopping for lack of effort was ever an option. We also have gotten closer as a result and are trying more to understand each others perspectives on everything than ever before. I truly do not believe that we would be on the path we are now which I actually feel is a very positive one had we not gone through but at the time just felt life-threatening. I personally know that I will not stop trying to find ways to show my husband how important he is to me and how deeply I will forever love him And be devoted to him and him alone.
I found this blog after 3 months into rebuilding our marriage.
I’ve been married to the most wonderful, thoughtful, kind and honest man (I thought) for almost 12 years. I never believed he would have an affair. Living in a small town , I was told countless times he was with his best friends wife. I attacked my friends who carefully suggested this to me. I said “if he was seeing someone it wouldn’t be her, he wouldn’t shit in his own backyard”. Plus he couldn’t stand her. I believed that since he would tell me this every time her name came up.
I came home from taking my daughter to Philadelphia for her birthday and the next morning my husband kicked me out of our home saying he didn’t want to be married to me anymore
I Stayed in the next town at a friends house who was gone on vacation. Racking my brain why all of the sudden the love of my life stopped loving me. I couldn’t eat I couldn’t sleep.
I found therapy and went three times a week. Trying to figure out what I did to ruin this beautiful marriage. My therapist told me that men will only leave a marriage for another woman. I argued and ranted “that’s not him , he’s different . He would never do that”
That afternoon while reading the book “how to fix your marriage without talking “. The page I started was about the very thing my therapist said.
I started calling all the friends that had told me he was cheating on me. And through more open eyes I figured it out.
I called him and told him I knew, he kept denying it . I knew and was sick that this honest man had lied to me for SEVEN YEARS! He was dead to me. I called a lawyer and told him I’d see him in court.
I took so many Xanax and muscle relaxers just to calm down I’m surprised I’m still alive.
The next day he had a complete turn around. Told me he couldn’t believe he hurt me so badly and that I was the kindest person he’d ever met. Pleaded with me to try and start over.
We have been back together for a little over 2 months and we have become more connected than we ever where before.
The triggers don’t come nearly as often And the nightmares have ceased for now. But I’m still afraid…afraid of the pain that was strong enough to kill me.
I’m so thankful I found this blog because I thought I was the only one going through hell.
Sorry for such a long reply, but it helps to tell fellow sisters who have been hurt to the core.
Lisa, I read your response to the post and had to comment. I found out in September 2013 that my husband (of almost 13 years now) had several affairs with at least four different strippers. I have not been able to wear my rings since. I am still living with him in our home and have logged hundreds of hours of time in therapy (mostly by myself, but some as a couple). My husband swears he wants to rebuild. I tried for a while, but now I can’t shake the notion that he didn’t want to rebuild when he was meeting strippers at their apartments or in hotel rooms.
Your husband has had multiple affairs, like mine. I am always interested in the spouse that was wronged several times…do you think you can repair? Why do/do you not think so?
I question you because I, even after almost two years, still question myself. My husband and I rarely speak now. He suggested a while ago that we get new rings and renew our vows. I think everything is a ploy, a manipulation of sorts. If I was deceived for three years (minimum), how can I trust what you say now?
Do you see yourself forgiving your husband and moving forward, or just treading water for the rest of your existence? I have truly thought about the scenarios of both sides in my situation and I guess I’d welcome thoughts from someone in a somewhat similar predicament.
Elyse,
This is a complicated question, but to be as brief as possible: I see myself forgiving him. This is based on his behavior. I found out about all of these affairs after the last one occurred. They were all married, female friends of his, but the last affair lasted about 9 months. (He had sex with the other two women once each, although one of them became a “sexual” phone affair after their physical encounter.) During the time period of his affairs, 2011 – 2014, he was spiraling deeper and deeper into alcoholism. It certainly is not an excuse, and he hasn’t tried to imply that it is, but he stopped drinking completely two days before he told be about the second and third affair. He hasn’t had a drop since. We are very transparent in our lives now. We spend almost all our time together. We discuss his affairs openly when I need to talk about them, and he apologizes again any time he sees me in pain. Yes, I am very hurt when I think about his ability to lie to me daily for the 9 months of his ongoing affair.We did stuff together, spent time with our children and extended family, and all the while, he was having periodic sex with some interloping woman who knew all about me and our children?? It seems really sick, and I believe it was. I think he now sees that, has real regret and truly wants to make amends. He also regularly expresses gratitude that he is allowed to still be here, living this life with me and our kids. Yes, I still have doubts, but he’s been 100% since December. I’ll admit to snooping and being hyper-vigilant but I haven’t had a single indication that he has done anything wrong. Miss phone sex called him in February from someone else’s phone. (I guess she figured out that he blocked her number.) He told me about it when I got home from work and I called her back on speaker while he was standing there and threatened to tell her husband about the whole thing. She hasn’t called back. He didn’t have to tell me she had called that day, but he did. I’m taking it one day at a time, allowing myself to take my time to decide for the long run. He’s meeting my needs right now. I guess if he didn’t, I would send him packing. I hope this helps.
Hi Lisa,
My name is Sasha and I’m a producer at a nationally syndicated talk show. I’m currently working on a segment about repairing a marriage after infidelity and I’d love to chat with you.
You can reach me via email at smitchell-fuller@zoco.com
or 212-259-1588.
I look forward to speaking with you.
Be well,
Sasha
Wow, it is so sad that many people have faced, is facing and will face this pain/hurt!!! I knew that I wasn’t the only one in this whole world but when it happening to us we tend to feel that we are the only ones that are going thru/have gone thru this. I decided to start writing as a “self-healing” outlet and I decided to google my blog “healingmycheatedheart” and I was so taken about by all of us cheated/broken hearted souls, and it made me so sad, how can there be so many heartbroken souls. I pray that we all not only learn from our experiences and each other, but that most importantly, that we heal from it.
Hi there! I read your story and I feel like you can relate to so many people out there. I’m a TV Producer and would like to talk to you about an opportunity. Please email me at cbenson@zoco.com or you can call me at 212-259-1529 so I can discuss with you on a project that I’m working on.
Thank you!
I found out about my husband’s affair on Mar 31, 2011. It destroyed me!! I thought we were happy. We had the normal marriage problems, but we were having sex, going out and looking forward to spending our 20th wedding anniversary together. We have seven beautiful children and a life that people envied. My husband begged me to give him a second chance. I did. It has been so hard. But I thought we had really made it. Fast forward to Aug 29, 2015…I found emails of text messages between my husband and the OW. The messages were from March of 2015. There were ‘I love yous’ and other intimate comments. I found out this woman had left her husband and that my husband had been to her new home. There were lots of things said between the two of them. I don’t know what to do!! Please help me!! I am devastated!!! My husband is apologetic and says he loves me. I want to believe him!! But should I?? He also told me the affair began earlier than he had ever admitted. 2009. What should I do?? I am a stay home mom with no skills. How can I care for my children? And I will have to share my children on holidays, summers, monthly…I can’t bare it!! I love them so much!! Why would he pick this other woman over me and our children?? Please send advice!!
Hi Cheryl,
Have you both gone for marital counselling ? And has he served a letter of no contact to the OW?
Please ask for post-nuptial agreement if you have no skills and your husband must be able to give you this agreement to show his sincerity.
I would at least talk to an attorney who can help you assess your financial situation. I would also suggest you see a counselor, if you can, so there is someone you can trust to help guide you through this emotional time. You didn’t give many details in your post, but what you did say did not sound particularly good for your husband from a trustworthiness perspective.
I seriously hope for you that you got counseling for yourself and the best attorney in town. You will find love again!you deserve it.
I read this blog for the first time in April 2014 when I found out about my husbands affair with a work colleague. I was confused,emotional and beaten down and didn’t have the strength to even put into words what I was going through. Now a year and a half later and after many days and nights of tears and heartache me and my husband are still going from strength to strength rebuilding our marriage and our family unit with our 2 gorgeous daughters. I would like to say thank you for this blog and for putting into words how I felt them first weeks and months. Not a day goes by without something reminding me that my husband has been unfaithful but that pain is definitely becoming easier.
cherly if your husband has done this to you in the past and its been going on I would divorce him there is so many indepent women out here today that do every thing on there on and so many orgnations that will help and as for skills at a job there are a lot of jobs that are willing to train you cause you have to shield your self or that man will use your weakness as his way to get over on you that’s is a key for him take it from me I have been there before…….the pain does get easy over time don’t ever let a man bring you down you can do it you just got to find your starting point
Hello I’ve only just discovered your blog and have been enjoying reading. I too have 3 children (all under 5yrs) with my husband of 6 years (together for 10yrs). He works long hours and I’m a stay at home mum and somewhere along our journey he lost his way and had a one night stand with another women. It’s still very fresh as I only just found out maybe 8 weeks ago even though it happened over 1 year ago. I’m still struggling daily with this but I do love him and we are both trying to make this work. I was just wondering whether throughout your journey whether you told any of your friends or family? We are seeking counselling which helps, but I do still feel quite alone in all of this as nobody knows we are foojf through this. I will look forward to your reply
I’m curious if you ever did tell your family/friends? I found out about my husbands affair in early November 2015, two days after he had a one night stand. We’re still together, we see a marriage counselor and are working toward rebuilding. I haven’t told anyone about his affair though. I talk to him and our counsellor and that’s it. I read this blog when I’m looking for support. It’s still a struggle but I’m trying to stay positive. I hope all is well for you and your situation.
I did not ever tell our friends and family. I have found that people judge infidelity because they love us. They want to protect us but sometimes their own judgements, opinions, or triggers can end up being an issue. Since D-Day, I’ve had conversations with my family and friends about other people’s affairs which have not gone the way I had hoped. Many people that have never experienced betrayal have a zero-tolerance rate so it’s hard if you did stay to hear these things.
I guess in the end, infidelity is so complex it was hard for me to reveal this to anyone else. I’m not saying what I did was right – but I am confident it was right for me.
Brenda… I told everyone… I was so devastated that I told family, friends and even complete strangers. I am talker (aka big mouth) and he knew that, so it couldn’t have shocked him. I talk about it less now but the first 9 months to year – everyone heard about it. I did it to fight the shame, pain, sadness and isolation and because the secret nature of it reminded me of all the shame of being an ACOA. It’s very personal decision… only tell a friend member or friend you can trust to listen well and be on your side; you’d be surprised how many good friends and family might take his side or at least try to diminish the pain you are in or diminish the pain he inflicted. I’m with him for now but long term- who knows. You should write down all that is going on and keep notes – it all starts to blur together. Maybe tell a good sibling or parent so it you do decide to leave him – you have that support system building for yourself. I had friends come out of the wood work to help me; some family were great – some not so much. But bottom line, it’s YOUR experience and NO ONE should judge your reaction. The best part though is it allowed me to finally cut off my connection w/certain in-laws of his because they were always rage-aholics to begin with and some of their behavior toward me after the affair came out, when I was at my most vulnerable and lowest, was completely horrible toward me. His affair (which is connected to how angry and awful they are; aka a raging mom in his childhood) freed me from feeling that I had to make amends or even continue the relationships. I’m free, free, free of their craziness, anger and rage. That is a definite up side to his lousy cheating. Good luck. You can do this… sad, but you can. Believe it or not.
I feel so grateful to have found this blog. My husband’s affair was emotional…. at least that’s all I believe it to be as the woman lived out of state and he met her through an online game. He doesn’t even consider what he did adultery even though it went on for two years (we have been married for 7, together for 9), he spoke to her daily about our marriage, anything and everything…. basically he stopped communication with me, shutting down and replaced me with her in that aspect while he began to treat me with resentment while I struggled to figure out what had changed and what I was doing wrong. It got to the point that we couldn’t interact anymore without fighting and I begged him to get help either with me or alone because he was no longer the man I knew him to be…. he actually told me about the affair himself. Described it as a friendship and then got very defensive of her when I asked questions. I found out all of his friends and his brother knew about her… so that means that for some reason he was telling other men about her. Why would he do that if it was just a friendship? I mean it sounds like he was bragging or something. He told me he mentioned it to them because she made him happy? All of it just doesn’t add up to me…. The biggest red flag though was the secrecy. If it is just a friendship, I don’t see why text messages would be deleted from his phone. What did they talk about that he would be afraid of me seeing? I have never been one to look through his phone. He had also stopped wearing his wedding ring. Anyways, this of course is just a brief summary of what was told and discovered once he revealed his affair (or friendship as he calls it.) Initially I told him that I’d never be able to trust him again and since he had been un willing to go to counseling with me in the past I didn’t think it was fair to put me through that now for him, when he didn’t provide me with the same courtesy. We began to proceed with a separation with the the intention of divorce. We do have a young child to think about so it was not an easy decision. I just felt that after several years of fighting alone for our marriage, to find out he had betrayed me in this way I just couldn’t repair the damage he had done. Plus he refused to stop talking to the woman and blamed it all on me, saying that I paid more attention to our daughter and wasn’t there for him. Of course I was not perfect but I was always willing to put in the work…. all he had to do was come to me. Instead he went outside our marriage. I just don’t understand…. fast forward a few weeks and he begged me to take him back, saying that he wanted nothing to do with that woman, he couldn’t believe he’d been so selfish and stupid and lost the best thing he’d ever had and that he was willing to do whatever he had to do to fight for us to make it work. And boy has he been trying….. I have had friends and family upset with me because they saw my pain and suffering yet I did agree to try to work things out. He never actually left the home (move out day was a week away when I decided to let him stay)and although I’m sure our daughter sensed tension I don’t think she was aware of exactly what was happening…. anyhow, the day he told me was only a little over 5 weeks ago…. my pain is still very fresh but we have been working on us and our communication has been really good. We are starting counseling in a few days…. but I still am constantly plagued with thoughts of this other woman. I know what she looks like because I felt the need to know everything (at the time he told me I needed to stop “digging” which I felt was a lot of nerve especially considering it was a so-called friendship and being that I am his wife I had a right to know!) And now I fear I just did more damage to myself because I can’t get her face out of my head, knowing he felt the need to look at photos of her and constantly thinking about and wondering what she was able to do for my husband that I couldn’t. He assures me that he was the one who did wrong, that now he knows there was nothing wrong with me and the issue was his own, but no matter how much he reassures me, I feel this overwhelming sense of insecurity and self loathing and I don’t know how to overcome it! He keeps telling me he loves me and only me, says he never had those types of feelings for her and that he’ll never do it again, spend the rest of our lives proving himself to me, etc…. but right now it’s so raw I feel like I’m never going to get past the pain of betrayal I feel. I fear I won’t be able to stay in this and my heart wants to so badly to just forgive him and forget about this…. but my heart also knows that things can never be the same. And oddly our communication, even our sex life has never been better….. so why can’t I get the betrayal and hurt out of my mind?
Sorry for going on and on, I guess this just felt like a safe place to vent…. I am so grateful. Please keep sharing your story and your wonderful writing. You are helping more women on their journey to healing and forgiveness than you know. At least I am hopeful I will heal! I will keep trying! As long as he continues to be willing….. I won’t give up either.
I feel like we are both going through similar times. I, too found out 5 weeks ago. 24 years of marriage, 3 kids, and complete trust. For a 20 year old counter girl ex employee who he had secret feelings for for a year who then looked him up after she married and asked him for advice and help. After a week of calls and texts, they realized it was becoming inappropriate and he set up a private email with their personal initials.
She got the picture, started coming on to him big time, and he loved it. A month later he had slept with her twice. Once at a hotel, then at his mom’s vacant house. She then asked for 300 bucks each time for “help”. She was 20 years old, 35 years younger than him! Even when he wised up and saw she wanted money, he tried to get with her again without money and she would make excuses- cramps, her husband coming home, etc, just to avoid sex with no money. He then proceeded to “help” her with 50-100 dollars a week just for the attention and suggestion of getting together again. Hundreds of texts a week, phone calls and private emails everyday . It lasted 6 months when I found a text he forgot to delete.
I am disgusted, betrayed and so very broken. I also happen to be 11 years younger than him but apparently not young enough! I feel so ashamed that I am the wife of a cheater and cannot accept that I was not able to see something and stop this . My self-esteem is gone my joy my happiness and I avoid people and situations. Everything is a trigger all day long all night long . He is trying to make up for it and said sorry a hundred times a day but he has never shed a tear for showing me that he feels my pain. Do I try and help this poor perverted Soul or do I just cut my losses and take half?
I don’t want to feel like this forever is there something I can do to hasten the healing process? Therapy? Hypnosis?
Thanks,
H
Yesterday, my world came crumpling down and I found myself falling down into abyss which I would have never imagined ever existed. I confirmed my fear because he admitted. “I was seeing someone but stopped as I wanted to sort things out with you” These are the exact wordings he used. I kept reading the lines over and over again…with disbelief, with disgusts, with hatred, with anger, with fear…and my heart was being stabbed every time I read them…I wanted to remember this pain…he had shattered my hope, my dream..
KY said he was stupid to admit, since it had already ended. Yes, I dont know why he confessed when he could have simply just lied. He just wanted me to feel the pain, just want to hurt me. I didnt want to know who was that girl, it didnt matter..to what extent were their relations, it didn matter. We were just 7 months (exactly 7 months) away from our 20th anniversary!!!
Life goes on, I still have to prepare dinner, fetch the kids, do the chores, feed the dog. When the night fell, I just felt so lonely, so deserted. I drank myself to sleep, chatting with KY over watsapp..couldnt remember what went over my mind…I just want someone to feel me…tell me “yes, I know it is painful”
I am at a loss..where do I go from here…
This morning I woke up slightly late, and I recalled those fateful lines and told myself “Those cant hurt me!! I am stronger”
Prepared the kids for sch, walked the dog, brought K for his mac breakfast…cleaner said she was not coming..Good..I needed to do some chores..busy cleaning and scrubbing..to forget those lines, but when I sat down, everything just came back…and the pain slowly creeped in..I just felt like killing him, Wish him dead. I wanted to tell the kids that their father is a liar, he betrayed the family, he destroyed everyone of us. …he is traveling tonight..I wish he will never come back..
I feel the same way as both of you and have told my husband that we will divorce no matter what! If we choose to try again and remarry that is a possibility but this current marriage will be legally ended because I want no more of it. The commitment in this marriage has been broken and can notake be repaired.
Thank you for your blog! It helps to find someone to relate to as I feel I can’t share with family and friends. It’s been 4 months since I discovered my husband of almost 11 years has been cheating on me.We have three kids and one on the way so we are working on rebuilding our marriage. I do love him and believe he loves me but it sure is hard to get past this very painful hurt that seems to have no end. I have good days and days I just don’t think it’s going to work and combined with being pregnant it’s just overwhelming. I get so depressed that he could do this and share our lives and children with another women yet look at me and lie to me in my face. We are having open communication but my self worth and value feel zero and just can’t get past he was sexual and emotional with someone else.
The pain can be overwhelming in the beginning. It takes time to get past that roller coaster phase, but you will. A new baby, while it may be difficult now, will also be a wonderful distraction from “this.” You will have to focus on what is is important – taking care of yourself and the baby. This may help you put everything else into focus.
I found out about my husbands affair 5 days after giving birth to our first child, less than a month before our 3rd wedding anniversary (we’ve been together 10 years). He confessed and is extresmly sorry amd wants to rebuild our family. It has been almost 5 months since D-day and I am still with him because I can’t leave this child fatherless. But I am not ok! I don’t feel love for him anymore. I particularly hate him because I don’t feel attached to my child. I am constantly thinking about his affair.
Reading these comments have helped me so much in that though I knew I wasn’t the only wife ever betrayed the feelings that I have are real and I’m not the only one feeling them . I found out about my husbands second affair at the end of April this year . His last affair that I know of was eight years ago . Finding out this time was even harder than the first time. I’ve been married for 27 years and we have four children together . While our children were young our marriage was wonderful but as they grew up he grew distant and I asked him to go to counseling and we did and I asked him to go to seminars and we did and though he had changed for a short period of time , he always seem to go back to distant and resentful towards me. I had learned to dread him coming home from work because I knew that he would either be frustrated because the house wasn’t perfectly clean or he would go sit in front of his computer and look on craigslist for things that we couldn’t afford and we didn’t need . I found out through text messaging about his first affair which when he was confronted he told me it was a lady at work and they were in love and they were going to get a house together on 5 acres and live happily ever after . Though our marriage wasn’t good I was completely blindsided by that affair . Not nearly as blindsided as he was when I called his girlfriend and told her he was officially available and she could have him and her reply to me was I don’t want him I have a boyfriend that I live with and I’m just playing around with him at work . My husband called her in front of me with the phone on speaker and he asked her what about all the things they said what about plans for the future and she laughed at him and said he was a fool and she never loved him she loved the attention he gave her and him being her boss she loved it that he always gave her the easy jobs . My husband was devastated and completely alone the children and I wanted nothing to do with him and the situation at work went downhill really fast and he eventually lost his job . He promised me the world and I let him come home where we lived for about a year and a half very happily before he started distancing himself again . By then I have learned to put myself on an island not tell him how I felt not do anything but take care of him and the kids in the house and work . My kids say that I died the day I found out about his first affair and they were right I lived in complete numbness for several years . This past Christmas he and I were talking which was rare and he said he wanted to make our marriage better he wanted things to be right and I felt hopeful . For the first time in our marriage he made all the moves he found the seminars he found the counselors he found the marriage classes . We went to them all and we both participated we bought books I thought things were getting better . then at the end of April of this year my daughter came to me and told me that my husband was talking to another girl on the phone and that she had seen several text messages between them and that I should look into it . So I did, scanning his phone and his Facebook and he was clearly in a relationship with another girl at work . When I confronted him this time he said they were only friends he asked me to go back through as text messages and show him anything that showed anything other than friendship. There wasn’t anything intimate or sexual but there were lots of compliments and most of all he was keeping his friendship with her a secret from me . I promptly told him to find another place to live and that I was filing for divorce we did not need to talk about anything I didn’t want any details I just wanted him out of my life . I then sent his girlfriend a message and again told her that he was now available and she could continue their relationship without concern of me.
She replied pretty much the same as the first girlfriend telling me that she had no intimate or sexual feelings for him that they were just friends that he had pursued her very hard and she had made it very clear to him that they were going to be only friends and from that point that’s how she saw the relationship.
I told her that he was complementing her about how pretty her hair was and that she was awesome and asked her if she thought that that was reasonable behavior from a married man . She admitted that it probably wasn’t appropriate but that she had no interest in any kind of relationship with him. So then I asked her the big question how long have you been friends ? She told me that she had just started working there in January of this year and that he was in hot pursuit of her within days of her starting her job and pursued her very hard for at least a month before she told him that they were only going to be friends . She then told me that she would keep their relationship completely business nothing personal no complements no joking around no anything and she would do that for me out of her respect for me as a woman . I then started putting the pieces together in January while he was pursuing her as hot and heavy as he could he and I were going to marriage classes twice a week at church the entire month . In February he cooked a big Valentines dinner with candlelight and wine and we went to two seminars that month about marriage . In March we went to another seminar and started counseling he was still pursuing her by complements and just basically waiting her out . In April we were going to counseling weekly and everything seem to be improving our sex life was very active he was sending me text messages throughout each day and I thought everything was going well . So when I realized that the whole time we were trying to fix our marriage and build our marriage and recover our marriage he was simultaneously pursuing another woman . When I brought that to his attention he immediately confessed to everything or what I thought was everything . He begged and pleaded to stay in our family and I decided that in a completely selfish way I was going to let them stay for a while until I had all my financial ducks in a row and then I was going to kick him to the curb really hard . I have been mostly numb since 4/27/16. He however has found God and does nothing but pray and cry. I love him because he is the father of my children but even though he has begged and pleaded with me and God for forgiveness , I don’t feel married to him anymore. I gave him my wedding ring in April and I don’t want it back. In mid June after turning off the charm toward his friend at work she sent him an email asking him to please continue to be her friend, she mrs. the joking and playing around at work that she had with him. Mrs. the joking and playing around at work that she had with him He came home from work that day in tears because he felt like she was not going to let it stop and he wanted it to stop. he came home from work that day in tears because he felt like she was not going to let it stop and he wanted it to stop . He never replied to that email and continued on his course of business only . She started to become hostile with him about his work practices and then a few days later came up to him in front of a bunch of people in the shop and screamed at him accusing him of sabotaging her and trying to make her look bad at her job. When he didn’t respond to her with the hostility that she expected she stormed off and went to the HR department and filed sexual-harassment charges against him . He was immediately suspended from work without given an opportunity to present his side . Four days later they called him and then tell his side of the story he presented several emails and messages that proved that their friendship was consensual and that when he ended their friendship she continued to pursue him . After another long 10 days of waiting they called him on the phone to tell him he was being terminated for sexual-harassment and would not be able to collect unemployment and would not be given a good reference for future employers. So once again his inappropriate actions have caused this family extreme financial and emotional damage . i’m seeing a counselor by myself once a week we see a counselor together once a week we’re trying to work on things but I don’t feel anything for him I don’t feel married . I’m really glad for him that he has come to where he is with God and I have never seen him in 27 years be this genuine and this broken . So now he’s unemployed and we’re home together every day and we talk a lot I no longer hold my feelings back I tell him on the days that I’m angry I tell him on the days that I’m sad but I just can’t imagine ever Being in love with him again I just can’t see myself ever happy because I think I will live not trusting not loving only existing . being in love with him again I just can’t see myself ever happy because I think I will live not trusting not loving only existing . I’m a Christian person and I think that I have forgiven him but I can’t forget that while we sat holding hands in a church during a marriage class he was going the next day to work pursuing another woman . I feel like I want to see what he said to her but he had deleted all of those messages and the messages that she presented when she file charges against him our company property and they will not release them . He has been kinder and gentler towards me than he has ever been in the 30 years that I’ve known him . But I still don’t feel married to him and I don’t know if I want to feel married to him . We prayed together daily and have done counseling in seminars since this came out and I see a real change in him but I need to be in love . The counselors and the pastors all tell me that that will come in time is that even possible ?will it ever come if he stays the way he is right now ? will I ever stop wondering if it’s real? i’m 52 years old do I want to try to make it on my own with the two kids that are still living with us he doesn’t have a job so he can’t even provide child-support at this point. i’m 52 years old do I want to try to make it on my own with the two kids that are still living with us he doesn’t have a job so he can’t even provide child-support at this point. I would love for marriage to work I would love for us to be happy together but I just don’t know if it’s possible ?
Any input would be very appreciated I’m really lost .
Thank you..these eloquent words are what I’ve been living the past 4 weeks…ALL my feelings…and I’ve only just begun to read this blog. Thank you…there’s no one to tell, only my husband to talk to. This blog may keep me sane xoxo
I am still with him because he’s cried and begged and we have a 5 month old. But I do not feel married. I don’t wear my rings. I don’t feel love for him. Even though I see he is trying so hard to be a old father and husband. But it doesn’t matter. He did it when I was pregnant with our child. And coz he was freaking out about it. What do I do? I don’t want to break this family. This child needs a father. I don’t want to be so cruel to take her away from him. When clearly he wants to be there for her and he’s really doing everything to do so.
June 25, 2014, it was a text… “miss and love you.” I will never type those words together again. I knew long before I had proof. I knew in my heart for more than a year and confronted him about it multiple times. He turned it back on me. He made me feel crazy and insecure.
He did cut it off immediately. But it has cut me entirely too deep. I live with this pain daily. I still cry. We are in counseling and I cry every single time. He wants to make it work, but I just do not know if I can ever let it go enough to heal. I do not know how to release the visions, dreams, hatred, anger and hurt that engulfs me.
Hi everyone
I am lost probably the same as most of you. I have been married for 7 years now, have known her for 10. We have one boy. Over six months ago I got to know my wife has cheated me with a colleague from work when I was away. Our relationship was not working, also because of me and my work. When I got to know I was destroyed (not even sure if that is sufficiently adequete word to describe how I felt). We said we will be working to make things right. First month was ok with some assurance from my wife but I could not get the negative thought out of my head and things got worst with a lot of nights crying and being a bit “out of my mind “. The problem was she was working with this guys and it did not help me to feel better. 3 months later she cheated me again when she was away on the business trip, with the same guy. The worst thing is that I had a spy app installed and I heard everything. I called 16 times during they had sex with no answer from my wife. I called the hotel she stayed at but it was too late. They did it again. I was really close to suicide myself and the only thing that kept my alive was my son. The first time she did it I thought I would not be able to be with her if she do it again but somehow I just cannot live without her. Blind love? Now we are trying to work it out but after 3 months I still have not a clue how to eliminate things negative thought out of my head, how to not hear her having sex with another man. How can I trust her again? Is it really worth trying? I know we can be good again but what I am curious if I can be good again with myself? If I will ever be able to forgive her that trully, both with my head and heart?
I would also like to ask all the women here, is it really enough to feel lonely to cheat someone? Is it sufficient justification?
I found out just over a week and a half ago. I’m still here, he is too-I guess that says something, but I don’t have much faith in my thoughts/decisions at this point. I’ve been feeling so utterly alone. Although I didn’t break the trust in our 13 year marriage (17 together), I’m ashamed. Your site is the first time I have felt any semblance of reassurance. Maybe I am not losing my mind …maybe not so alone. Thank you.
Thank you so much for your blog and sharing your journey, ups and downs and everything in between. You stated that you write to give yourself hope, I totally understand how and why you blog it al out. I am sure you have been told this a thousand times already; however, I will say it again, you have given me hope also. My D-Day was 101 days ago. We have been together 17 years and married for 11. My husband’s affair lasted 18 months. After reading many of your blogs I felt like I was reading my feelings put down by someone else, it was so extremely painful and uplifting at the same time. For the last three months I have been an emotional roller-coaster and am only learning now how to grieve the relationship I thought I had, we had. I have never felt so alone and isolated in my life and it is a comfort to read someone else’s story who understands. At this point in time we are working on reconciliation, we have good days and really bad days. My mantra has become “This too shall pass” and I concentrate on that when I spiral downwards. Thank you again for sharing so much of your soul with all of us – trust me, it is greatly appreciated. It helps me to see that I am not alone, that there are others who unfortunately joined a club they never wanted to join. Best wishes to you and hugs to all those living with infidelity.
I wanted to say thank you for writing this blog and sharing your honest thoughts and feelings. I’m a google hound for all my can’t sleep late night questions and stumbled across your blog. We’ve done counseling, books, the whole nine yards but your blog has been the only thing that has made me feel not alone in how I feel or what I’m experiencing. So thank you and please continue to blog on 🙂