I finished writing a post last night but decided this morning not to publish it. I was reminded this morning on the fragility of life and that healing is not a journey that has a definitive end point. For many of us, the healing process has become easier with time but it’s never easy. Our pain becomes more tolerable, we learn to manage the pain, and we cope. I think the trick is to move past the “coping” and into the realm of living again.
There are no promises or guarantees in life or marriage. Throughout my lifetime there have been reminders of life’s fragility but for some reason marriage appeared to be the antidote to life’s unpredictability. Perhaps marriage is veiled as the antidote because it all begins so perfectly – we fall in love, we feel so vibrantly the love we receive from our partner, and we start a life together. When I reflect back on my view of my marriage from my wedding day to D-day, marriage felt like a protective barrier around my life. Marriage was my superhero power. It made me better, stronger, happier, and meant I had an ally for life.
One of the hardest battles for me to overcome is the betrayal. Not necessarily the sexual betrayal, but the betrayal of my belief in who I thought my husband was. I mistakenly put my husband on a pedestal. I believed he loved me more than himself. Often my struggle goes back to the thought that an affair was so far out of my realm of possibility and I was completely blindsided. After all, my marriage security blanket was wrapped around my life – my husband and I were supposed to face the good and the bad together. Our marriage was supposed to be rock-solid and the affair proves it wasn’t. The affair proves that my beliefs about marriage were wrong.
Marriage is a vulnerable, evolving relationship. It takes two people to make a marriage work and only one to end it. Saying “I do” is the beginning, the actual marriage is everything that happens after the ceremony ends. You have to keep earning the love of your spouse every single day. I’ve learned that saying I do is an everyday vow that needs to be renewed each and every day of my marriage. Keeping the spark alive isn’t always easy or fun. Loving my husband is sometimes difficult. It’s a choice I have to make every day, even when he’s annoying me.
One of the biggest lesson I’ve learned since D-day is that marriage is not always happy or fun. I wish on my wedding day someone had told me even in the best marriages experience bumps and pains. Everyone is flawed and sometimes the marriage will reflect those flaws. Love and marriage will not always be a safe harbor in life but facing a crisis together will strengthen the relationship and the individuals. I need to remember that pain in a relationship can produce greater people and enrich the marriage.
On my journey I’ve rediscovered my inner self and realized I am my own soulmate. No one can break my soul, my spirit, and my being. Life is ambiguous and accepting my imperfections will release me from those uncertainties.