I’ve been silent for a long time on here. It’s not 100% neglect. It’s not avoidance – at all. Life moves at a pace that it’s often hard to find time for reflection and then capturing those reflections on a page.
I’ve been in a podcast phase again and I recently heard a completely [unrelated to this blog] podcast about finding yourself in a historical event that you did not intend to be a part of or foresee as being a defining moment in their life. Yet, here they were.
Infidelity is like that. It felt like I woke up one day and was dropped into a new reality. A reality that I wasn’t prepared for and I just wanted to find a way out. I just wanted to rewind my life and get a do-over. The problem is that I didn’t know how far to rewind. And when I realized I couldn’t change the past, I wanted to press fast-forward and skip ahead to the future. I was assured by every book I read that the first two years are the most difficult and if we put in the work then we would be fine. Then two years came and went, and I was better but I didn’t feel like the books told me I would. I set my sights on five years – that’s got to be enough time for me to heal and move on, I thought. Perhaps, you can’t set a timer for healing. Perhaps, these wounds cut me too deep. Perhaps, I need to just let go of the anxiety and emotions attached to the affair. But is that even possible? Or right?
The problem with affairs is that you wake up to find your spouse/partner has been cheating on you. I realize that our “first” marriage ended during his affair – not upon my discovery of the affair. For my husband, our marriage changed (died/ended?) upon his decision to be involved, emotionally and physically, with his affair partner. Which means my marriage died without me even being told or invited to the funeral. I was living in a marriage for just over a year that wasn’t really there anymore.
So much of that first year was the shocking reality and pain that I felt from my husband’s affair. In those moments we were going through everything together and while I was angered and hurt by him keeping secrets from me for over a year, I didn’t realize that he already mourned the death of our marriage. He already moved past that, perhaps he truly mourned it, or perhaps he accepted it and moved into a new phase, the infidelity phase. It’s strange to think that my marriage was dead and I didn’t even know it. I was living in it, frustrated by it, celebrating it, and believing in it, but it was gone. It’s kinda like Santa Claus and I was the child believing in something that wasn’t real. Maybe that’s not a good example but you get it.
Marriages might never really be what we believe they are. We may never really understand how we arrived where we are now. It’s hard at times to believe that here in this moment is exactly where I’m supposed to be… but perhaps it is.
Lyrics
Maybe we’re all different but we’re still the same
We all got the blood of Eden running through our veins
I know sometimes it’s hard for you to see
You’re caught between just who you are and who you want to be
Remember every new beginning is some beginning’s end
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
That right here, right now
You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be
Welcome to wherever you are
And you feel you’re drowning in the shadow of a doubt
Everyone’s a miracle in their own way
Just listen to yourself, not what other people say
Remember everybody’s different, just take a look around
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
Right here, right now
You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be
Be who you are
Everyone’s a hero
Everyone’s a star
Remember that you’re perfect, God makes no mistakes
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
Right here, right now
You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be
And I say welcome
I say welcome
Welcome
Healing After My Husband's Affair 
This April will mark the sixth year of my discovery of my spouse’s infidelity.
I guess I was under this belief that putting in all the work would bring this stronger bond, expecting somehow, that my husband too would become a better version of himself. I still struggle while going through the days and find some days more disappointing than others. I know this is something my husband doesn’t have to deal with and can’t seem to understand.
Six years down this road I question my willingness to continue.
I am sorry to hear you are all still having bad days. Sometimes I have a “sliding doors moment” and wonder what might have been. It is very interesting to read your entries and follow your journey.
I discovered your blog when I had learned my now ex husband had had an affair. We had been together 19 years and had three young children and I genuinely thought we were happy and had a wonderful life together. My world was turned upside down and my life will never be the same again.
I let him stay for two months but they were the hardest weeks of my life. Much respect to you ladies for standing by your man. I asked him to move out and then he embarked on another affair, so I then knew there was no going back for us.
It has been hard missing out on some special moments with my children…we have joint custody so I have missed the excitement of things you probably still take for granted, such as my youngest losing his first tooth. It is heartbreaking watching them go on holiday without me, and seeing photos of them together as a five…with another woman there in my place.
I have been with a wonderful man for two years now, I am still very much in love and it has been like starting a new life. I am jealous and insecure and must drive him insane with some of the crazy things I say but somehow he puts up with me as he understands why I am this way.
“Sliding doors “… I don’t regret my decision to ask my ex to leave. For me it was definitely the right thing. But I have so much respect for those of you still together. Wishing you all love xx
Heidi – thank you for posting. I often think about those of you who choose to cut ties and walk away. It’s truly helpful to hear that you’ve thrived and survived. I love the sliding doors analogy!
This Aug is 6 years for me. I’m in the same space as you. I have happy moments with him but still find myself questioning if staying was right for me. I have not gone one single day that I haven’t thought of his affair. I’m just exhausted.
Totally understand you questioning whether it is worth going on. We are 7 years from discovery and I feel flat! I don’t feel anger any more, I can live with the hurt and I actually trust him not to cheat again now, but I feel nothing. No passion, no excitement just a sense of being resigned to this reglued life and that’s not enough. I want to feel something and fear I will have to look elsewhere. I don’t even mean another man or relationship just take myself to a place where I can be happy, relaxed and unburdened from dragging along a broken life with me.
My initial D-Day came August 26th, 2014, the second D-day was February 7th, 2015. So, over 4 years ago I discovered my marriage had been in trouble for over 2 years unbeknownst to me. I still struggle, we still struggle. My thoughts are “if my husband could truly hurt for me and be empathetic, loving and supportive during the triggers and PTSD episodes, I could feel safe again” This rarely happens. My triggers trigger him into feeling the shame associated with his past actions that he wants to put on a shelf and never be reminded of it ever again. My triggers bring out frustraion and anger in him. His thoughts are “if she could only get over this we would stop having problems.” It’s a vicious circle that doesn’t come as often now, but when it happens and we have the same fight over my being triggered by something and I question every decision I have made over the past 4 years. He doesn’t understand it and he doesn’t want to understand it because that would mean facing his shame. So, my point of this is, I don’t believe there can be a timeline on healing after such devastation. I am beginning to believe a complete healing will never come for us, especially for me. Sometimes I think of leaving then I picture what my life would look like if I did and I can’t bring myself to leave. Would a life without him really be better this life with him? That’s what has kept me from leaving, the unknown and hope for the known. See, I still love him very much and I want complete healing, so I hang onto the hope. Thank for letting me vent, I don’t do it very often anymore.
Understand every word. I found out late Aug 2014 as well. We’ve had some great moments of clicking and repairing. There’s also been alot of trauma. Him not being able to show empathy and understanding and just adding to the pain.
I too hold on to hope for a better tomorrow.
I think about you all the time, as many of us probably do. Your letter to yourself was one of the first things I stumbled across in the hours after I discovered her picture in his e-mail account (which – oddly enough – he sent to himself …). I’m sure there were so many different e-mail accounts around that he just wanted it to be in a “safe place” …
I read your blog from top to bottom and kept waiting for the shoe to fall. For your spouse to screw up again. For you to have the magical words that would solidify the hope that YES YOU CAN SURVIVE THIS HELL and that life would go back to “normal.” That was almost 20 months ago.
You’ve used the mourning phrase in another post. I’ll be honest. That one has stuck with me the most. Because sadly, it’s the most honest thing out there about infidelity.
I’m sorry that life isn’t what the books said it would be. I’m sorry you’re still hurting. And I’m sorry that we are all in this fucking hell.
V-Day. It once was a day where I showered HIM with love. This year – I once again struggled with purchasing a card. How do you buy a card expressing love to someone who isn’t Mr. Wonderful? I ended up picking up a card that was in a section for “Someone Special” … “My life just wouldn’t be the same without you in it … You’re part of so many of my happiest memories. I hope you know how special you will always be to me.”
The safest card I could find. Because yes … my life would NOT be the same without him in it [some days I’m convinced I’m all the better that he’s still here … others I have Heidi’s sliding glass door moments]. He truly is part of my happiest memories. And he will always be special to me because he assisted in creating 3 amazingly wonderful children.
The card is still unsigned. What do you say when it’s a day that you just could care less about? All of those years of showering him with love … and it just seems pointless and stupid now.
I wanted to tell you I have had the acne issue, the first few years picking out birthday, Anniversary and Valentine’s day cards were so difficult because none of them were my reality anymore. I would pick the card that were simple that said just an “I love you” and Happy whatever the occasion was. This year, over 4 years later, I still struggle reading those cards describing “the perfect husband”, but it has gotten better.
Jen
I wanted to tell you I have had the acne issue, the first few years picking out birthday, Anniversary and Valentine’s day cards were so difficult because none of them were my reality anymore. I would pick the card that were simple that said just an “I love you” and Happy whatever the occasion was. This year, over 4 years later, I still struggle reading those cards describing “the perfect husband”, but it has gotten better.
Jen
My D day was November 1, 2012. I have always considered myself a strong woman, but that day I was taken to my knees. Six years later, I am still struggling. Some days Inlook at him and I see the person I fell in love with. Others I see the man that shattered my heart. I have triggers that he is completely insensitive to. In his eyes I don’t ever want to let go and get over the affair. In mine, he just wants to believe it never happened. Moments like these just close me off from
him and I find myself drifting away. When I close my eyes I see my life as a tapestry, all my life’s memories woven together, and I HATE that this moment, his affair, is forever sewn into it. I so badly want to remove it, but I can’t.
It is now seven years. He has been taking me to court for money that doesn’t exist. He is married to his homewrecker and does not speak to his 2 adult children. His family hates me now even though he left us after his 20 year affair. I finally hired an attorney who can stop him. He won’t leave us alone. If he is happy with her, why doesn’t he leave us alone. We are trying to go on with our lives. It is still very hard.
Maybe because we still live in the same area. Why should we leave? He already moved 2 sates away. My daughter is planning her wedding. She is not inviting him.
This was not in our plans. I can’t trust anyone. My kids too. I’ll never understand this.
Can anyone tell me anything that will help me understand?
Some things just defy explanation.
Why did you do this? Where did I fail you? Did you mean to break my heart? How can I ever trust you again? Etc. Etc. Etc.
All those questions that you ask and never get a satisfactory answer.
It really doesn’t matter, unless……..You let it matter. Try some different ways of thinking and get rid of the negative thoughts. It has saved my sanity. I don’t let it control me, I control it. I finally sleep well at night. I finally don’t worry about it anymore.
I am just done. We are still together, but we will never have that bond again. I just put in my time, and make sure that I am happy. It works.
There is a positive newsletter by “Mark and Angel”. Google it. It helps me.