Very Inspiring Blogger Award

Very Inspirational Blogger Award

Thank you to The Wanton Wife for nominating me for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award… Sorry for neglecting the rules of this award for so long.

Seven things about me? Here goes nothing.

  1. I have one of those crazy, bizarre memories where I can recall almost any detail you disclose to me. I can remember your birthdate, where you grew up, where you work–pretty much anything you tell me I will remember. I try to play it cool because it freaks people out and makes me look like a stalker–but I am not… or…
  2. Ok… so in high school I enjoyed stalking boys with my friends. It was slightly over the top but never too freaky. I mean, getting a guy’s schedule from the main office and re-routing your daily walk to classes isn’t weird, is it? It was all innocent fun. And, freakily, I can still remember the name of my #1 high school crush’s mom: Anne.
  3. I love a sale. I love to shop and find deals. I wore Prada shoes to my wedding and I only paid $15 for them. But after D-Day I became obsessed with a pair of shoes that cost 5x more than I have ever spent on any pair of shoes, ever. I bought them (at my husband’s prodding and insistance). I love them and wear them all the time. Every time someone compliments my shoes, I am happy.
  4. My husband and I get turned on when there are lots of people around. You probably don’t want to know what goes on behind your backs at dinner parties and celebrations… .
  5. If I could have grown up in any decade I would choose to be a teenager in the 1970s. Deep inside me a hippy dwells. I wonder if I could have been a free-spirit if I had lived in that era? Which leads me to my next truth.
  6. I’ve never done an illegal drug of any kind or even smoked a cigarette. I’ve had plenty of opportunities to smoke pot, take ecstasy, smoke cigarettes… I even went to a few raves in college where you were offered anything and everything under the sun upon arrival. I’ve never wanted to try anything… What kind of hippy would I make?
  7. My biggest fear is lightning. I hate it. I am afraid I will be struck dead by it. I am like a quivering dog hiding under the bed when a thunderstorm begins.

There… I did it. This list took me a month to write and it’s kind of lame. Oh well. Maybe someday I’ll reveal something really exciting. 🙂

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Carry On (by Fun.)

This song came on the radio today during my drive home from work. I turned up the radio and sang along. Feeling good… trying to put the past where it belongs, in the past. Learning from it but trying to not let it hurt me today.

Carry On

Well I woke up to the sound of silence
the cars were cutting like knives in a fist fight
and I found you with a bottle of wine
your head in the curtains
and heart like the Fourth of JulyYou swore and said
“We are not
We are not shining stars”
This I know
I never said we areThough I’ve never been through hell like that
I’ve closed enough windows
to know you can never look back

If you’re lost and alone
Or you’re sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Carry on, carry on

So I met up with some friends
at the edge of the night
At a bar off 75
And we talked and talked
about how our parents will die
All our neighbours and wives

But I like to think
I can cheat it all
To make up for the times I’ve been cheated on
And it’s nice to know
When I was left for dead
I was found and now I don’t roam these streets
I am not the ghost you are to me

If you’re lost and alone
Or you’re sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Whoa
My head is on fire
But my legs are fine
After all they are mine
Lay your clothes down on the floor
Close the door
Hold the phone
Show me how
No one’s ever gonna stop us now

Cause we are
We are shining stars
We are invincible
We are who we are
On our darkest day
When we’re miles away
Sun will come
We will find our way home

If you’re lost and alone
Or you’re sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Carry on, carry on

Four Months

The past two days I’ve been emotional. Crying out of the blue. Having to hold myself together in front of friends, family and at work. But this afternoon while driving to the grocery store I called my husband.

I said: “I just don’t know what to do.”

He responded: “You don’t sound good. What do you mean?”

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I took a deep breath in as I felt tears begin to fill my eyes. In my head I was trying to form lucid thoughts but the words weren’t forming. I knew I needed to tell him because I could hear the worry in his voice, wondering why I was upset.

At four months from D-Day I would say I am making good progress. I have more good days than bad. My husband and I are able to talk about any issue, question or topic with honesty. He listens to me. I listen to him. Our love for each other is still thriving. We spend time together, we laugh together and we appreciate each other. So why am I so sad???

My biggest fear is not being able to get over the loss of our pre-affair marriage. I feel like our marriage was darn near perfect. He even told this to the therapist during our first session. My husband has a hard time realizing that what he did destroyed the marriage we had. Our relationship now is a restructuring of our old relationship, but it will never be the same. It can’t by it’s very nature.

While I was sitting in the parking lot of the grocery store I began to cry and tell him this fear. I began to tell him how I am still upset that the kids and I weren’t reason enough for him to not start the affair. I always thought my husband was confident, trustworthy and his self-esteem was magnetic. All that was thrown out the window in the wake of D-Day. I am still disgusted that he was literally teaching our children about the characteristics of being a man last year but was not living out any of these ideals (honest, trustworthy, loyal, etc).

After that statement, he said: “Do you really feel like you and the kids aren’t enough for me?”

I paused, thinking before I responded: “Not now. Not today. But yes, I truly believe that we weren’t enough for you during your affair. You lied to all of our faces. You didn’t consider your role as a man, husband and father when you entered into a relationship with her. You lied to us and you didn’t think we deserved the truth. You disregarded us and your role in our lives.”

He was silent. I know my words hit him hard and it probably wasn’t fair because he was at work. But I guess I am not really concerned about fair. My fear is never getting over the loss of the marriage we had… And today I was reading fellow blogger My Husband Cheated After 12 Years‘ entry and it hit me that I may never get over this. I may live the rest of my life with this sadness. Our marriage may be stronger than it has ever been. He may be a better husband now with a greater understanding of my needs. I may be a better wife than I have been for the first twelve years of our marriage. But I fear mourning our pre-affair marriage permanently.

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I really hope this pain will recede. I need to focus on the marriage we are building and recognize that we are stronger now. Perfect is not an option. Strong is.

Scratching the surface

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Laying in bed next to my husband we begin talking about how the passion in our relationship had been rekindled. I began to tell him I couldn’t imagine having another lover, ever. I actually said (without thought):

I could never recreate the intimacy we share. The comfort level I have with you. I can’t imagine asking a man to…

My voice trailed off as I realized he had shared intimate details of our sex life with his AP. I realized he had shared one detail with her and asked her if she had ever tried it. She said no. Then a week later [you will NEVER believe this–sarcasm should be noted] she said he could try it with her. According to my husband she laid on the bed disturbingly motionless and quiet but afterwards said she enjoyed it. (Sorry for the lack of details-think 50 Shades of Grey). She never asked him to do it again and it never came up in HER emails.

Now you know the back story….. Now, there we are laying in bed and my foot is metaphorically being inserted into my mouth.

I start to talk to him about him trying to bring an element of our sexual relationship into the affair. He says, well, she asked me to do it. She wanted to try it. I realize at this point:

Men have NO idea.

We start to talk and I explain how a female brain works. I explain to him, you told her you are into this and have done it before (obviously with your wife-the woman she wants to replace in your life). So she realizes if she wants to make you happy in bed she must try this… Whether or not she likes it–she will do it to please you.

My husband was not turned on by her response to their kinky foreplay and he never asked or tried to do it to her again. But, until yesterday my husband believed that because she had sex with him afterwards she must have liked it. What? Sometimes I wonder about my husband, he’s a smart man and we are usually on the same wavelength. But I am seriously beginning to believe the saying that Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus. I look at him and tell him that if a woman lays there unresponsive to the foreplay, it means she probably is just letting you do it and she is feeling sad, upset or just not into it. He never before realized that a woman would just let a man have sex with her regardless of what she felt or wanted.

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I tell him about a time in my life I cried during sex. I knew the relationship I was in needed to end-it was over-but I hadn’t had the courage to walk away yet. I laid there letting my boyfriend have sex with me… Crying. He never knew or saw. I faked an orgasm and rolled over.

The point is there are things about his affair that show how little he cared for her and how she was willing to do things just to keep him around. I find it interesting that he never initiated meeting up for sex. He also turned her down for sex regularly. She never turned him down because he didn’t ask for sex from her.

Men and women speak two different languages. My husband and I are constantly having conversations about what he thought was going on and what was probably going on in her head. My husband says he never wanted the sex (but yet he slept with her so what did that tell her). He says he told her she wasn’t his type and he wasn’t immediately attracted to her. He told her he would never leave his wife and family but kept driving to her house when she wanted sex. What did he think all this conveyed to her? He said he wrote I love you in his emails to her but never felt real love and compares his comments to what you say to a friend (not even a good friend). But what do you think she heard when she read those three words? Exactly. He really believed she understood where he stood and how he felt. I told him that women trust words. They try to make their partners happy and often at their own expense. My husband was so happy the relationship was over on D-Day. He actually tells me how much he just wanted his relationship to be over with her but for some reason he was waiting for her to end it. I guess the relationship was on her terms to begin with so that makes sense. In my husbands own words–he was relieved the affair was over. He was relieved to have her out of his life. He actually had grown to hate her because she would not listen to him every time he told her he loved his wife and family.

I guess it amazes me that he didn’t realize until talking to me how his AP really felt about him. He was so involved in his own thoughts and feelings that he thought hers were the same as his. He thought when the affair ended her feelings would disappear. He believed she didn’t really love him (or care for him) and that he was just filling the void from her ex-husband. He felt like he was just filling a gap until she could stand on her own… Men really don’t get it. They don’t get that if you tell a woman you love her they think you do. They think that if you tell them you miss her–you want to be with her.

So I’ve been teaching my husband how to speak Venus. Well, it doesn’t matter because he’s never allowed to have a female friend again. Never allowed to let a woman open up to him or tell him her secrets and fears. I could kill him for trying to be a friend to Bat-Shit Crazy.