The past two days I’ve been emotional. Crying out of the blue. Having to hold myself together in front of friends, family and at work. But this afternoon while driving to the grocery store I called my husband.
I said: “I just don’t know what to do.”
He responded: “You don’t sound good. What do you mean?”
I took a deep breath in as I felt tears begin to fill my eyes. In my head I was trying to form lucid thoughts but the words weren’t forming. I knew I needed to tell him because I could hear the worry in his voice, wondering why I was upset.
At four months from D-Day I would say I am making good progress. I have more good days than bad. My husband and I are able to talk about any issue, question or topic with honesty. He listens to me. I listen to him. Our love for each other is still thriving. We spend time together, we laugh together and we appreciate each other. So why am I so sad???
My biggest fear is not being able to get over the loss of our pre-affair marriage. I feel like our marriage was darn near perfect. He even told this to the therapist during our first session. My husband has a hard time realizing that what he did destroyed the marriage we had. Our relationship now is a restructuring of our old relationship, but it will never be the same. It can’t by it’s very nature.
While I was sitting in the parking lot of the grocery store I began to cry and tell him this fear. I began to tell him how I am still upset that the kids and I weren’t reason enough for him to not start the affair. I always thought my husband was confident, trustworthy and his self-esteem was magnetic. All that was thrown out the window in the wake of D-Day. I am still disgusted that he was literally teaching our children about the characteristics of being a man last year but was not living out any of these ideals (honest, trustworthy, loyal, etc).
After that statement, he said: “Do you really feel like you and the kids aren’t enough for me?”
I paused, thinking before I responded: “Not now. Not today. But yes, I truly believe that we weren’t enough for you during your affair. You lied to all of our faces. You didn’t consider your role as a man, husband and father when you entered into a relationship with her. You lied to us and you didn’t think we deserved the truth. You disregarded us and your role in our lives.”
He was silent. I know my words hit him hard and it probably wasn’t fair because he was at work. But I guess I am not really concerned about fair. My fear is never getting over the loss of the marriage we had… And today I was reading fellow blogger My Husband Cheated After 12 Years‘ entry and it hit me that I may never get over this. I may live the rest of my life with this sadness. Our marriage may be stronger than it has ever been. He may be a better husband now with a greater understanding of my needs. I may be a better wife than I have been for the first twelve years of our marriage. But I fear mourning our pre-affair marriage permanently.
I really hope this pain will recede. I need to focus on the marriage we are building and recognize that we are stronger now. Perfect is not an option. Strong is.
Healing After My Husband's Affair 
Sweetie…you are *ONLY* four months out. Be gentle with yourself. What you are feeling is very very normal. Grieving the loss of your old marriage is progress, even when it doesn’t feel like it. And when you think about it, knowing what you know now…do you want that old marriage? I mean, I know all of us want that innocence back, however, knowing what we DO know now and how we can learn from this and become stronger, closer, more intimate emotionally…do we really want that old marriage after all?
Mourning is a part of this process. Infidelity is much like death, except in many ways worse because it was done on purpose. It was a choice and, in most cases, death is not. It isn’t done with intent to cause us harm.
But, please, be gentle with yourself, your emotions. This is a part of the journey. This is healthy and needed. And, though I always hate hearing it…in time, the pain will lessen. It never ever goes away completely, but it will lessen. It won’t be as raw. It will become just a dull ache eventually.
Here I am crying again! Ugh. But knowing that you are right. Knowing that I can’t force the process forward. I guess it’s painful to recognize that the marriage I thought I had was not reality.
I hold onto hope that our “new” marriage will be fulfilling, loving, stronger and honest.
Thank you.
I am up at 1:34 am again, crying while he sleeps. We are a little over 2 months past D-day. My question is if this pain is going to continue on with us forever, why stay? Why have these horrible strikes of horrid pain while trying to hold on to a marriage that he so easily betrayed? It seems that forgiving and loving him does not bring comfort.
I am so alone in my suffering.
I spent many nights awake alone wondering the answer to your questions. I cried while my husband lay next to me sound asleep. I can’t answer your question “why stay” but I can tell you the pain you feel is not permanent. The roller coaster of emotions can be debilitating at times. My instincts told me to stay but I rationally told myself if I ever felt I needed to leave then I would. There were times when I wondered if I would be happier if I left but I never felt compelled to leave. Trust yourself. If you find your emotions are spiraling out of control, talk to someone–a therapist, a friend, your husband. Keep your husband involved in your suffering. Not to punish him but rather so he understands what you feel and are going through. Forgiveness does not come easily. I think I was able to forgive my husband when he accepted responsibility not only for what he had done but to help me heal. Rebuilding a marriage takes two people. I know you may feel alone but you are not.. We may be only connected through this blog but you have many women here that will offer you their support.
I completely understand where you are coming from. My marriage was also idyllic before he cheated. It is a process of grieving and you get to mourn the loss of what you had before moving on to building something new. It’s so hard, and you are doing just fine.
I agree with the responses, it takes time. But we tend to be hard on ourselves and get caught up in the grief. But know that it does get better. I’m only 6 mos out and still feel that almost inconsolable grief at times. But it ebbs. While I admit that my relationship wasn’t the best, I never thought he would betray me because I believed he loved me too much and knowing my trust issues never thought he would inflict this. For me its mourning the death of my dreams, or illusions and innocence. And knowing I and we will never be the same…But their is hope for a new life with more clarity…
Yes. That is how I feel too. The death of my dreams, illusions (whether they were for the better or not) and my innocence…. I told him a few weeks ago that I had never been jaded by a relationship in life… I can’t help but feel I’ve learned a hard lesson. One that I don’t think you can prepare for without falling hard first into it. As much as we have all learned where we were vulnerable and how this happened–we could have never known unless we had experienced infidelity.
One thing that is clear is that while our old illusions and dreams are shattered, they can be replaced. We need to recognize the strength we have to work through this and dare to dream and create something better. We, the betrayed, are truly the strong ones, the heros in this because we chose to rescue our marriages when we could have walked away.
Oh boy can I relate. JR and I had the ideal marriage, the one that all of our friends envied, and poof December 9, 2010 he turned it into one big joke, a lie, a fake. That’s how I felt then, not now. Now we are better, I can breathe again. I have tremendous hope for our future, but I still have days were I am overcome with a tremendous amount of loss and grief. I still mourn the marriage I had, maybe I always will. I do my best to stay positive and focus on this new marriage and the future it holds. It’s hard, but try to focus on the now, try to stay in the moment…it’s hard to do, but it does help.
One night I told my husband that if we told the truth to friends and family it would send shock waves to everyone. Everyone regards our marriage as idyllic by our friends. So many of my single girlfriends would tell me in their twenties–I just want a husband that loves and cares for me like yours. OR just over a year ago, a friend said–you two are the only couple I know that are still in love with each other.
And we were… but we were content. I never felt like marriage was hard work. Our relationship just worked. But it didn’t…. and that is the shocker.
The marriage you had WAS reality, sweetheart, & was shattered by the affair. Now you’re building a NEW & better reality!
Thank you. That made me smile.
It is so hard. I too grieve for my marriage before the affair. For feeling like I didn’t have a care in the world. For being able to look at my husband and not wonder whether what he was telling me was the truth. I too felt initially that our whole marriage was a lie, fake and worthless. I had my wedding album in my hand during one particulary bad day and it very nearly ended up in the bin. It was only because I dissolved into another bout of wailing that it didn’t make it there.
But I am now a year and a bit out from the last D Day. It still hurts like hell and still has the power to reduce me to tears. But it does feel different to those immediate aftermath days. Try to focus on the new marriage you are building together, and be kind to yourself as well. I don’t think it will ever completely go away for me that feeling of wishing I could go backwards to before the affair. It is trying to find a way to accept that feeling. You are doing great, and it is still early days. Best wishes SE
That feeling of wanting to go back… Our therapist always says to us that he can’t unring that bell. But there is nothing I would like more in life than a time machine to go back in time and stop this ball from rolling.
Almost two years ago, I stumbled upon the texts that revealed that my husband was having an affair. The texts that brought me to my knees and shattered my illusion of my “perfect marriage” of over 35 years. My husband, like yours, is ashamed, profoundly remorseful, and thanks his lucky stars that I still love him and want to save our marriage. He now realizes and shows me every day how much he loves me, and how grateful he is for our marriage and family. We have become more attentive to each other, more playful and affectionate. We are having lots more playful and adventurous sex. And as painful as it is to admit, those are some of the many things that we BOTH had let slide in our marriage.
Not making any excuses for him here. I always thought an affair would be my deal breaker, and he never dreamed that he would be tempted to stray. But even my “perfect husband” was not immune to the bold advances of his married co-worker. She was highly motivated to get out of her unhappy marriage and insert herself into mine. I realize now that there are unscrupulous people out there who think nothing of going after someone else’s mate. I was so naive, it really never occurred to me to have my radar up for such seediness, but I am naive no more.
Life is not perfect. We, and our children, have had to let go of our ideal of the “perfect family”. We may be flawed…but we are wiser, more thankful for the family that was nearly broken by his (and the OW’s) selfish actions. I so remember feeling like you do, that my marriage was now somehow a sham or in some way tainted or negated. I want to share two quotes that helped me to realize that was not so…
“Your journey has molded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don’t think that you’ve lost time. There is no short-cutting to life. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is right on time.”
— Asha Tyson
“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”
― Joseph Campbell
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know that it hurts like no pain you have ever experienced before. I remember days when it felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest, my heart just plain ached. But it does get a little better with each passing day, and I thank God for the love and support of my husband, family and friends and for the fellowship with other betrayed spouses like you. You do have friends that understand exactly what you are going through and I am one of them. Love to you…
Thank you. I feel an ache for what I thought my marriage was… and now realize we weren’t protecting what we both felt was so valuable and special. Lesson learned.
I really like your quote about not feeling like I have lost time because I am fearful that this affair and the process of healing is taking time away. Precious time where I should be watching my children grow.
Like you said, thank goodness my husband recognizes his mistakes and is remorseful. And I am thankful that this was not my dealbreaker. I truly love him and our family and I now know that I do not want it to end.
Hello, Stephanie
We have a very similar situation about women who are so aggressive with disregard to married men or getting pleasure from luring them into the dark side.
I’m still healing and just recently found out. I hope to feel like you in the future.
Since you just wrote this reply earlier this year, I wanted to concur your opinion. Not sure what the free pass that’s out there but as I’ve had to tell my husband about the disgusting behavior of women in girl code.
There is a huge issue with the real 40 percent of unhappy marriages and wanting a piece of those that are just fine.
No matter what, if the whore that wanted a piece of my husbands kindness never reached out, he was never going to reach for anyone.
I am almost 4 months out. He didn’t have a sexual affair, but he did have an emotional affair. It wasn’t for a year, but it was in the tune of 8,000 texts/phone calls between the two of them for three months.
While I sometimes feel I am lucky that it wasn’t sexual; emotional hurts just as much.
The “worst parts” change every day, but today the worst part is….she has my name. My exact name.
When I hear the name of my husband’s ex, or my ex, my stomach kind of drops and I let out an audible “uugh”.
Now, imagine that feeling with your OWN name. Uugh.
He gave me a ring for our 13th anniversary, which was only 29 days after I found out about her.
It is inscribed with our names.
Funny thing is…all I see is her name. Not mine.
I take that back. It’s not funny.
The ring could have easily gone to her.
I hope I find your strength one day. I’m sure I will….but currently the light at the end of the tunnel is quite dim.
Oh, wow… I am sorry. I don’t like to call my husband’s AP by her actual name. Because I don’t want to hate everyone I ever meet with that name… Right now, I do though. In fact, I was reviewing resumes at my job and I got rid of every one of the applicants with her name (they weren’t qualified anyways). My husband and I only call his AP by the name of Bat-Shit. It makes it easy for both of us. Maybe it could work for you too.
I use BSW (B*tch/Slut/Whore) it has a good ring bcs o DSW shoes I guess, but that is how she is referred to in our family.
I do not know if this will help or hinder your healing at all……..but I feel compelled to post with the utmost respect to your situations and with no intent to cause conflict or additional hurt. My wife asked me to read this post and the follow up comments in its entirety. I am the one who caused her such pain and devastation…I am the one who caused her to feel all of the feelings those of you posted here. Your words and accounts of where you are in your individual marriages is both encouraging and heart breaking for me. I told my wife that I never fully realized how much of an impact my actions would have on her…I knew if she found out she would be hurt; I knew she would be angry…but to watch her suffer in this way brings me to my knees in agony. I will spend every last remaining day on this earth doing everything I can to repair and rebuild the our marriage. The comments and perspective you have shared provide more clarity to our situation and I pray in 50 years when I am on my deathbed, my wife is there next to me telling me how much she Loves me and how happy she was to be my beautiful wife.
James, your words are a comfort to me. I know that my husband never forsaw the impact of his actions and the affair on me or himself until I discovered it. It’s hard for the betrayed spouse to understand how our well-being could be set aside for the needs of a stranger who clearly does not have our husband’s best needs at heart in her actions. Your comment here makes me believe you are doing everything you can to understand the depth of her pain and try to make things better. I wish you two all the best.
My husband thinks his emotional affair was not an affair at all because he and his girlfriend of 30 years ago did not have sex. He did say he loves her, and she loves him, and they were planning a future together. But it has ended, but…I think he loves me and doesn’t want to hurt me, and he loves her and wants to be with her. How do you get past that!
There are so many women on here struggling with emotional affairs and the pain is just as significant as a sexual affair. He connected with another woman and discluded you from the relationship. Chances are he reconnected with her because of some feeling he was missing in his life that she was willing to give him. Attention, adoration and no responsibilities with her–no bills to pay, no lawn to mow, no family issues thrown at him when he walked through the door. But that’s not reality. I hope you can see that what they were sharing was a false reality and that is what fed their emotional connection/relationship. I don’t know how you get past him saying he loves this ex-girlfriend from his youth… it’s devastating. My advice would be to keep trying to connect with him. Men need to feel desired and they need to be needed. As crazy as it is… sometimes as the betrayed spouse we have to remember to give our husbands what they need. Find something you enjoy doing together–even if it’s taking a walk every night… connect with him and see where that takes you. One step at a time.
Thank you! I think she was bringing back his youth, he even admitted it might have been male menopause. But it was horrible! He had to go through the phases of loss, but finally I think it’s over. I’m trying to rebuild our marriage, and I have learned from it, but I feel differently, his lies crushed me. To tell the truth, if he would call her today, he’d be out the door tomorrow because I could not go through again what I just when through these last four months, and I will know if he calls. I work full time, no kids involved…there would be no second chances, I might be a fool to not see it coming, but I’m not stupid!
I think it my husband’s affair was similar. Our therapist pointed out recently that for my husband it wasn’t about an emotional or sexual connection–it was about that high he got from feeling adored by her. The excitement of it all. In many ways I feel like it was a mid-life crisis because he was trying to feel that machismo of his youth all over again–to know he was desirable. It’s all devastating and hard to believe it could happen….
I think it is promising that your husband is choosing you. I wonder if your husband’s phase of going through the loss was more about the way she made him feel and not her, as an individual…
I’m sure she made him feel wonderful, and I am trying very hard to do that too, but how do you adore someone who has lied and deceived you. I have good days and bad days. He was ready to walk out the door, but she and I decided (while talking on the phone, with him sitting right there) that he should stay. I wrote her two letters, one he knew about, one he didn’t, I think she actually liked me. I also think she was looking for a revenge affair because her husband cheated on her, she was the one who called him first. It’s all very strange!
Somedays it’s hard to be the attentive and loving wife. I always have to remind myself that it’s over and now we need to create the marriage we wanted. Make sure he’s fulfilling your needs too… 🙂
As always, you all have a way with words. I am reading this in Jan 2014. I had initially started reading the blog from the beginning but life got me distracted which has been good but it hit me hard these last couple of days so I thought I would pick back up where I left off. The mourning of the old marriage is so hard. Several of you said it just right…the loss of innocence and dreams. I have done pretty well so far but the tears have been rolling on. I am embracing the tears accepting the fact that this is pain that I must feel to let go and move on. Tomorrow is another day and I am glad I am not alone.
I hope you are doing better this week. I know that some days hit us harder than others. And sometimes the pain lingers and haunts us for a few days. Try to focus on what you have, what you need and the direction you want your life to go. You’ll get there.
I love this blog. I just found out two months ago that my husband was having an affair for 2 1/2 months. He revealed to me a 25 year addiction to pornography that was hidden to me and finally escalated into physical acts. I was and still am devastated. I am only two months out from Dday and I want to feel better. I am fearing this is going to hurt for a long time! My husband and I started a blog if anyone is interested. I guess I was inspired by this one.
http://www.ouraddictionjourney.blogspot.com
Thank you–I will go check out your blog and read your story too. I find strength in others too. I woudn’t want anyone else to go through this but I am glad I do not walk alone.
I came across your blog as I try and recover from finding out about my husband’s 14 month affair months some five months ago. So much of what you have written resonates, and I feel- experience- your pain acutely. My circumstances are a bit different in that my husband did find his mistress attractive, and he did enjoy spending time with her, though he never for a moment thought about ending our marriage, and he never told her he loved her- he had compartmentalised brutally. Though it lasted 14 months, their “get- togethers” were fewer than a dozen, though they had contact most days during the week, and lunched together periodically. (They work at the same place.)
I found out because his mistress sent me an anonymous letter end March saying he and his mistress had been spotted at an airport kissing and holding hands end January. The letter was timed to arrive when my husband was travelling to bring home his severely ill daughter who had tried to kill herself three months previously. The stress for my husband and me of his daughter had been unimagineable, but I was close to breaking point the weekend she was due to come home as I did not think I was equipped to care for someone who was so desperately ill- and also totally physically dependant for being taken to her many (sometimes five times) daily doctors’ appointments. (I retired after a stressful but v successful career in advertising when I married my husband some 9 years ago and am now an ardent homemaker, so the burden of care for his daughter was falling to me.) Fortunately, or not, though the letter arrived while my husband and his daughter were in transit back to me, I did not open it until a week later- in front of my husband and step- daughter. I could not believe what I was reading, re- read it many, many times, trying not to hyperventilate, and then I summoned up the strength to leave the room as I knew I could never let my step- daughter find out what had happened- she was (still is) too mentally fragile to cope with what her father did to me. It turns out that my husband had ended the affair at the beginning of March and his mistress was not happy about it, having convinced herself that my husband did not want to be with me, and, in a fit of pique and expectation, she decided to hurry the process along thinking that once I knew, he would “choose” her. (Interestingly, my husband had never told her that he loved her- even though she had told him twice, and in fact had told her that he could not say that to her.) My husband confessed all, but said he was actually relieved to tell me as he had been worried about her telling me, and could now restrict contact with her to just professional (they have some work overlap) in the workplace. When he went back to work after a week off to help us all settle in with his daughter, he told his mistress that he had told me, that he loved me, and that he was trying to attain my forgiveness. Her response was to send me, by registered letter, a 4 page missive detailing their affair- through her eyes at least- together with cut and paste (doctored) email exchanges between the two of them. The irony is that my husband and I are sitting down and communicating again, more connected than ever before, and determined to rebuild. He is adamant that he never ever had any interest in PB (Psychobitch as that is how my psychologist described her) long term, or even more frequently, and certainly not permanently- to him it was “just” a bit of “selfish fun and distraction”. Periodically I wonder if our marriage isn’t permanently damaged, but my husband came up with a wonderful analogy to reassure me. He said imagine our marriage is two bottles of fine wine that we bought, and one bottle had been “shocked” in transit. We tasted the shocked bottle, and it was awful, but we decided to re- cork it and lay it down, alongside the other bottle, and be careful to look after both bottles. Imagine that when we come to taste both bottles in years to come, they will both taste fantastic because the wine inside the bottles was the same, just that the one that had had a big shock tasted different, but still wonderful.
I am feeling positive about my marriage- we love each other very much- but the one thing I am struggling with most of all is PB. I simply cannot comprehend how anybody could be so vicious. Yes, I understand she was hurt- probably humiliated too as it was the second time that my husband had had an affair with her (before me) and she had emailed his then girlfriend to tell her then and my husband had finished with her then- but to be so full of animus to lash out at me is beyond my comprehension. Maybe she thought that because my husband had gone back for a second try, she was irresistible- his explanation is that it was easy, irrelevant to our marriage especially as they were both with partners and happy with their partners, though hers subsequently left- and truly believed that my husband wanted to be with her. Maybe that is what prompted the anonymous letter, but, once she had been told that he loved me, what part of her thought it humane to write me (her version of) chapter and verse? I am truly bewildered that somebody could have such malevolence in their heart, and it is that that occupies my mind more than the affair itself. I find myself thinking about her too frequently, and I feel insulted that my husband could have risked our marriage for such a vile person- and it is that that I am finding the biggest barrier to moving on.
Bewildered….
Your story resonates hugely and love the pb title (we just call ours what she is “whore”)
Also your questions about this vile woman and her lack of character makes me feel so much better for you to have the same question. All of our questions are the same as I’m sure that every betrayed spouse in this blog, that I would be friends with.
I so believe in karma with your pb…..life has a price tag for all behavior. She will have her day 😈
Hi all,
I’m really struggling today. I am 5 months from DDay and have had some low points. Some better than others.
My husband has an affair (for his own self esteem) for 5 years. It was a work ‘friend’. She managed to get herself pregnant. The daughter is now 3. We have had counselling. And have processed some areas, the why’s, honesty etc.
My current issues are his lying (how could he do it for so long? And the fact it will always be there.
We talk a lot more now, but it still really hurts. He seems to think I will never get over it and it will eat at me and ruin us.
He asked me what would make me happy, I don’t know how to explain ( my communication skills are rubbish) . I want us so bad. We are so good when we connect. But right now there is a cloud.
Will I ever get over this enough?
Is he asking too much? Or is this me not seeing that it is already over? I’m not giving up without a fight.
Any help welcome.
I hope you have found better days. I keep hearing “time” from my therapist. I’m right there with you on a long term affair and I’m sorry about the pregnancy. First and foremost, I wouldn’t attempt any of a reconciliation without a licensed therapist. I know it’s costly! Find one and get the appointments going weekly. Figure it out. They are worth everything. IF not, find books written by the “Gottmans”. Try “writing” to each other, my husband has opened up more in his writings than his verbal communiation. I’m several months ahead of you so I’m very aware of the bad days or that constant throb of pain. My therapist has stressed one thing “do not ever think for one second you are trapped or have to continue. Give yourself the freedom that you can leave anytime and that’s completely understandable”. I’m not saying to walk away, but giving yourself the gift of choice makes a different perspective.