Light for the Way

I was digging through a bin of my old college papers and mementos and I discovered a speech I had written. I wrote this at nineteen years old and re-reading it now has new meaning. I thought I would share some of it with you (I won’t torture you with the entire piece). 

There are moments in each of our lives when our personal world is filled with darkness. Tragedy, loss, rejection and failure are all common experiences. It seems as though during the days following Christmas the Light appears distant… and shadows easily block our sight.

There is an art to learning how to live with life’s challenges and hardships, to discover light amid darkness, and to heal ourselves and the world around us. Like any other art, the art of peace calls for both great love and discipline. We must be willing not to shun the shadows in our lives but to turn toward them. This is the first and most significant step for in-turning, we begin to cast away our fears, despair and self-doubt. It is not darkness that is our opponent but our rejection and denial of it. It is in our greatest difficulties that we can find the sense of what is everlasting light. As Saint John said:

If a person wishes to be sure of the road they tread upon, they must close their eyes and walk in the dark.

As the Christmas seasons endures and we look to a new year, we turn toward the specific shadows in our lives with an open heart and a clear and mindful focus. We cease reacting and resisting and begin to understand and to heal. In order to do this we must learn to feel deeply. It is not done so much without eyes open as with the opening of inner senses of the body and heart. It means to listen closely to the mystery that is right in front of us rather than the ideas we have about things. The listening, feeling, and seeing sets our life free. As long as we resist it, seeking for light someplace else, we are separate from what is and unable to see that all that exists is filled with the Light. Learning to listen with this same sensitvity inwardly, we discover new depths of calmness, new resources of energy and effectiveness. The shadows that we have previously related to as adversaries become our most profound teachers. We learn to meet them with grace and serenity, and it is then we can begin to heal not only ourselves, but the world.

So as the New Year approaches let us remember that God created the Light out of darkness. Although they are separate, each one is necessary for the other to exist. We discover through the darkness and the Light that we have the energy and the faith to begin to heal ourselves, and the world through an openheartedness in this and every moment. Because we shall be beacons of light that are illuminated by an inner light, exuding radiance in a fundamental way. Our true nature, our basic goodness, shines when we stop looking elsewhere and discover that what we seek has been here all along. What we are is Light.

Four Months

The past two days I’ve been emotional. Crying out of the blue. Having to hold myself together in front of friends, family and at work. But this afternoon while driving to the grocery store I called my husband.

I said: “I just don’t know what to do.”

He responded: “You don’t sound good. What do you mean?”

I took a deep breath in as I felt tears begin to fill my eyes. In my head I was trying to form lucid thoughts but the words weren’t forming. I knew I needed to tell him because I could hear the worry in his voice, wondering why I was upset.

At four months from D-Day I would say I am making good progress. I have more good days than bad. My husband and I are able to talk about any issue, question or topic with honesty. He listens to me. I listen to him. Our love for each other is still thriving. We spend time together, we laugh together and we appreciate each other. So why am I so sad???

My biggest fear is not being able to get over the loss of our pre-affair marriage. I feel like our marriage was darn near perfect. He even told this to the therapist during our first session. My husband has a hard time realizing that what he did destroyed the marriage we had. Our relationship now is a restructuring of our old relationship, but it will never be the same. It can’t by it’s very nature.

While I was sitting in the parking lot of the grocery store I began to cry and tell him this fear. I began to tell him how I am still upset that the kids and I weren’t reason enough for him to not start the affair. I always thought my husband was confident, trustworthy and his self-esteem was magnetic. All that was thrown out the window in the wake of D-Day. I am still disgusted that he was literally teaching our children about the characteristics of being a man last year but was not living out any of these ideals (honest, trustworthy, loyal, etc).

After that statement, he said: “Do you really feel like you and the kids aren’t enough for me?”

I paused, thinking before I responded: “Not now. Not today. But yes, I truly believe that we weren’t enough for you during your affair. You lied to all of our faces. You didn’t consider your role as a man, husband and father when you entered into a relationship with her. You lied to us and you didn’t think we deserved the truth. You disregarded us and your role in our lives.”

He was silent. I know my words hit him hard and it probably wasn’t fair because he was at work. But I guess I am not really concerned about fair. My fear is never getting over the loss of the marriage we had… And today I was reading fellow blogger My Husband Cheated After 12 Years‘ entry and it hit me that I may never get over this. I may live the rest of my life with this sadness. Our marriage may be stronger than it has ever been. He may be a better husband now with a greater understanding of my needs. I may be a better wife than I have been for the first twelve years of our marriage. But I fear mourning our pre-affair marriage permanently.

I really hope this pain will recede. I need to focus on the marriage we are building and recognize that we are stronger now. Perfect is not an option. Strong is.

Should we?

I am in need of some advice from all of you. I never sent that letter to my husband’s AP. I realized that she wouldn’t actually hear what I was saying and the intention of my letter may have been lost on her. I am over the letter but I still feel like my husband never got the last word in with her.

When he called her after D-Day to tell her it was OVER–she wouldn’t let him talk. She said something to the nature of: I won’t call you or go to your business when you are there. I will not communicate with you, etc, etc, etc. It really bothered me that she didn’t allow my husband to be the one to say everything. It didn’t bother my husband at the time but once I explained that the affair began on her terms and now it ended with her not allowing you to have control–I feel like she did that intentionally. To take away his power.

For the most part all communication did end, EXCEPT for one thing. My husband’s business has an association with the business she works for and she sends out all email correspondences for this business. My husband removed his email address from the automatic mass email list but his AP continues to add his name on email invitations to meetings and events. We have his email set up to filter out these emails and delete them. But we still see that they are coming in–and sometimes on a daily basis or more.

So the other night after cleaning out the filtered emails from her I asked my husband is it possible to send her a nasty email about why the F*** she is still including his name on her email list? We went through all our options and tried to find out if we could have all her emails automatically returned to her but it doesn’t look like gmail will do that. Unless one of you can help me out?

So the question is should my husband and I craft an email response to her that gets across the point that he doesn’t want to see any emails from her in his inbox/trash/spam/etc ever again? We came up with a short, three sentence email that got the point across in a tone that could not be confused with anything else but the underlying message: I HATE YOU.

Or is it best to just let it go?

As a side note, I haven’t googled his AP or checked anything online about her in almost two weeks. I am trying to not let her bother me. But I think it is worth noting at Christmas I found a pin of hers on Pinterest that seemed to be directed at me (even my husband agreed it looked that way). It was a quote about if you feel the need to talk about other people you must be insecure. It wasn’t the quote that got me it was her comment under the pin that was directed at me. I can’t recall exactly but she said but she said something like: “If you feel the need to put me down you must recognize your own shortcomings and why he needed me.” The comment obviously made me upset but my husband was amazing the way he reacted and comforted me. He assured me that I have never had any shortcomings and it was him that fell short. But he was also angered that his AP doesn’t seem to recognize the pain she has already inflicted on me and our family. She doesn’t seem to be remorseful or have any guilt for her part in the affair. I think it was a big AHA moment. Because he realized who she really is inside and how fooled he was by her always saying she cared about me and our children (she even said this to me in an email after d-day). It doesn’t excuse his choices–but she is evil. Sometimes I just want her heart to break and hurt like she caused mine.

Silence

Sometimes I wonder if this blog is a healthy place to be. I come here and read posts written by women like me… Betrayed spouses. I feel my pain and your pain. I try to remember I am healing. But then sometimes you read something that brings a flood of emotions. My heart skips a beat. Tears fill my eyes. I remember the pain. How it burns. It sears. How I feel like I was slapped in the face with this. I didn’t choose this. And as my husband said, I didn’t deserve this. But here I am with the pain. 

I went to get a massage today. It was difficult. Laying there with my thoughts. Trying to relax. Trying to be in that moment…. Instead I spent most of it thinking about my pain. Thinking about forgiveness. Thinking about trust. Thinking about the past year. Wondering if the massage therapist knew what was going through my mind. 

I feel like before i knew about the affair I just had a bad day or moment. Now, I must choose to have a good day. Not let myself get swallowed by the pain. It’s subsiding But there are moments. Like now. I am laying here wide awake while he is snoring away, sound asleep. If I told him I was having a difficult time he would lay here with me. Fighting off sleep. Sometimes I think I should wake him…. And other times I feel like sitting here in silence, alone. 

So here I sit…. Listening to him breathe wondering if writing these words is helpful or not For me. I think so.

Peace and hope

The holiday season is in full swing. Spending the day with family and close friends. Catching up on the past year…. And honestly, not thinking about the affair when people say: “what’s been going on in your lives?” Wow. I really didn’t. I am not going to lie and say the thoughts didn’t creep into my mind intermittently throughout the day. But they didn’t overwhelm me either. There is some satisfaction in realizing he’s not cheating now. Not lying now. No longer disconnected.

I feel safe. I feel safe when he holds me. I sleep better when I am in snuggled into his arms. I feel loved.

i feel safe telling him too. Telling him what I need, my fears, my hopes, my thoughts. The other day I told him something that had bothered me. Words he had written in an email after a family vacation. They were on repeat in my head. I knew he didn’t recall writing them, thinking them… But it bothered me that they entered his brain for a moment. He was remorseful and tried to explain that words written in his emails were meaningless, just words. But still…. What I discovered was that telling him it bothered me healed the words. Let it go. release the pain. Allow yourself to heal. the understanding that no matter my future I have to live and deal with this, forces me forward. I can choose to live in pain or be happy.

I choose to be happy and love him. And allow him to love me in return.

To send the letter or not to send the letter

It’s almost been 2 months. Actually D-Day will be two months on Thanksgiving…. Ironic, right?

My husband and I have had some grueling heart to heart discussions. I just want to figure out how he can say he loves me so deeply but he could compartmentalize our life. I feel him in everything I do in life. I think of how myy actions affect our children constantly. Is it different for men? Are they amazing husbands and fathers but do not think their lives have to be consistent at all times? 

Well, yesterday we cried together while talking about how he views our relationship vs. all the other relationships in his past (her included). The common thread revealed was that he was never ful-filled by these relationships or felt like he was involved in them for his own needs. He said I was the only person he ever felt loved him and brought out the best in him. The only person who cared about him as a man. And I do.

His relationship with her was based on her needs and what she wanted from him. He didn’t want a sexual relationship. He didn’t need any more friends. He didn’t need her. He felt bad for her because her life was a mess. He was doubting his successes as a man. He wasn’t where he thought he would be in his career at 45 and it bothered him. His libido was decreasing and he tried to tell himself that sex was not important in our marriage. He felt like if it didn’t matter than he didn’t have to accept that he had a problem. But all these things were lowering his self-esteem. Making him wonder if I desired him anymore. Instead of talking to me about his feelings and doubts, he buried them deep. He repressed them and didn’t think about them in realistic terms. He placed his self-doubts on me. He interpretted how he felt I viewed him and he was wrong. I have always loved him. I’ve always been attracted to him. I’ve always felt intense pleasure when we make love. I’ve only every orgasmed with him. Truth is… I saw his self-doubt and felt like if I said anything it would make it worse. So dumb. How can I tell this man about my daily bowel movements but not ask if he felt his libido was becoming an issue? It’s not my fault. These were his choices.

Anyhow, she manipulated her way into his everyday life. Made him feel sorry for her. Made him feel like he was responsible for her happiness. Made him feel accountable to her. He never wanted her. He never enjoyed sex with her. He never felt ful-filled by their conversations. 

Now I want to tell her. I wrote the letter. My husband approved it. He said if it makes me feel better to send the letter then I should send it.

But should I? Will it make me feel better to say mean things to her? I think it will.