Infidelity Trax: Welcome to Wherever You Are

I’ve been silent for a long time on here. It’s not 100% neglect. It’s not avoidance – at all. Life moves at a pace that it’s often hard to find time for reflection and then capturing those reflections on a page.

I’ve been in a podcast phase again and I recently heard a completely [unrelated to this blog] podcast about finding yourself in a historical event that you did not intend to be a part of or foresee as being a defining moment in their life. Yet, here they were.

Infidelity is like that. It felt like I woke up one day and was dropped into a new reality. A reality that I wasn’t prepared for and I just wanted to find a way out. I just wanted to rewind my life and get a do-over. The problem is that I didn’t know how far to rewind. And when I realized I couldn’t change the past, I wanted to press fast-forward and skip ahead to the future. I was assured by every book I read that the first two years are the most difficult and if we put in the work then we would be fine. Then two years came and went, and I was better but I didn’t feel like the books told me I would. I set my sights on five years – that’s got to be enough time for me to heal and move on, I thought. Perhaps, you can’t set a timer for healing. Perhaps, these wounds cut me too deep. Perhaps, I need to just let go of the anxiety and emotions attached to the affair. But is that even possible? Or right?

The problem with affairs is that you wake up to find your spouse/partner has been cheating on you. I realize that our “first” marriage ended during his affair – not upon my discovery of the affair. For my husband, our marriage changed (died/ended?) upon his decision to be involved, emotionally and physically, with his affair partner. Which means my marriage died without me even being told or invited to the funeral. I was living in a marriage for just over a year that wasn’t really there anymore.

So much of that first year was the shocking reality and pain that I felt from my husband’s affair. In those moments we were going through everything together and while I was angered and hurt by him keeping secrets from me for over a year, I didn’t realize that he already mourned the death of our marriage. He already moved past that, perhaps he truly mourned it, or perhaps he accepted it and moved into a new phase, the infidelity phase. It’s strange to think that my marriage was dead and I didn’t even know it. I was living in it, frustrated by it, celebrating it, and believing in it, but it was gone. It’s kinda like Santa Claus and I was the child believing in something that wasn’t real. Maybe that’s not a good example but you get it.

Marriages might never really be what we believe they are. We may never really understand how we arrived where we are now. It’s hard at times to believe that here in this moment is exactly where I’m supposed to be… but perhaps it is.

Lyrics 

Maybe we’re all different but we’re still the same
We all got the blood of Eden running through our veins
I know sometimes it’s hard for you to see
You’re caught between just who you are and who you want to be

If you feel alone and lost and need a friend
Remember every new beginning is some beginning’s end

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
That right here, right now
You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be
Welcome to wherever you are

When everybody’s in and you’re left out
And you feel you’re drowning in the shadow of a doubt
Everyone’s a miracle in their own way
Just listen to yourself, not what other people say

When it’s seems you’re lost, alone and feeling down
Remember everybody’s different, just take a look around

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
Right here, right now
You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be

Be who you want to be
Be who you are
Everyone’s a hero
Everyone’s a star

When you want to give up and your heart’s about to break
Remember that you’re perfect, God makes no mistakes

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
Right here, right now
You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be
And I say welcome
I say welcome
Welcome

Did I Choose Wrong?

This year has been full of doubts, flip-flopping, and wondering if I made the right decision. In one moment I am happy, confident, and blazing forward. In the next moment I am hesitant, untrusting, and overwhelmed with fear. Luckily, the latter moments are not in the majority. But the mere fact that they exist bothers me. All the books and articles say it takes two years to heal from infidelity as a betrayed spouse. But what does it truly mean to be healed?

To love is to be intensely vulnerable. To choose love means we also choose to know the loss of love. We are raised to believe that love is the antidote to loneliness, and all the emotions that accompany being alone: sadness, rejection, misery, and heartbreak. We live in a world that equates love with hope. But the truth is that choosing to love another person is the equivalent of asking them to hold a glass egg forever – at some point it will be dropped. And heartbreak is, well, heartbreaking. I believed with all my heart that my marriage was unique, our love was pure and unbreakable. The heartbreak I felt, and sometimes I still feel, was as if I lost something essential to my existence. Sometimes I still yearn to touch what I lost; to grasp it in my hands, pull it tight into my chest, close my eyes, and cherish it one last time.

Recently a friend of mine posted this quote on Facebook:

Heartbreak is heart breaking. It is painful and it is paralyzing. But we cannot let it define our future. Love can break us into a million pieces but it can also fill all the dark places that we never thought could be filled. Love, at it’s finest, feels as though I finally fit into myself. I clearly see myself, feel myself entirely, and my confidence exudes from my being when I give and receive love. Betrayal made me doubt all of that.

Somewhere along the path of healing I asked myself, repeatedly, did I choose the wrong man to marry? What if the answer is that we all choose wrong. It’s impossible to expect I knew at 23 years old what my needs would be at 35 or 46 or 52. I chose my husband because he offered familiarity, a compliment to me. I chose him because I never felt love in the way he gave it to me. I needed him and he needed me back. For better or worse.

Is it ever possible to know if we married the right person?

Every time I begin to fall into the doubts that still linger in the shadows of my mind I remember that love does not mean perfection. Love is having hope that as we break we will recover. Love is having the courage to believe that heartbreak does not mean devastation. Loving is risky business but somehow it’s the most desirable dream we share.

Sometimes I feel as if I am stuck in a Chinese finger trap – the more I pull, the more I am stuck in the same place. I just need to push, redefine the things I cherish, and move forward.

 

 

Mother’s Day Wishes | Infidelity Trax | Britt Nicole | The Sun is Rising

It’s so easy to focus on what is lost, what is missing, and the hurt. When I woke up this morning, on Mother’s Day, I was alone. My husband was snoring away and my children were still asleep in bed. The dog needed to go out so I threw on some yoga pants and took him out for a walk. I was awake now so when I came back inside I made coffee and sat down with a pile of magazines and my phone. I figured if I was going to have some quiet time to myself I might as well catch up on all the magazines collecting dust on my coffee table. As I thumbed through Real Simple I started to feel lonely. I wasn’t enjoying the solitude of having a moment to myself. Instead my mind was wandering away and I felt not just lonely, but alone.

I am not a fan of a quiet, slow, relaxing day. I like being on the go. I like being surrounded by chaos and the constant chatter of my children. I like that my kids enjoy spending time with me and together. So I turned on the TV and started to make noise to wake up the household and pull myself out of my funk. Mother’s Day is no time to feel alone or sad. We should be excited, happy, and looking forward to whatever the day has in store.

I want to restore genuine sense of happiness within me. I don’t want to be reaching for moments or sinking into a funk of self-pity. I want to appreciate my life and, moreover, myself. I read an article the other day about traits that “happy” people have in common. It was one of those articles shared on Facebook that I usually scroll right past in my feed but this time I stopped and clicked on it. I think the list is a good one and here is a snapshot of the nine traits of happy people.

1. Love Themselves For Who They Are
2. See Relationships As An Extension To, Rather Than The Basis Of The Human Experience
3. Embrace Change
4. Celebrate Rather Than Compare Themselves To The Accomplishments Of Others
5. Never Dwell In Being A Victim
6. They Live In The Present
7. Trust That Everything Happens For A Reason
8. They Don’t Let Money Dictate Their Lives
9. Look Within For Solutions

I wish you all a wonderful Mother’s Day and wish you happiness. Genuine happiness in the face of whatever you are facing today.