Yesterday I was cleaning up our bedroom and I found a piece of paper that was a rough draft of a letter my husband gave me for Mother’s Day last year (i.e. during his affair). Reading through the rough draft I was reminded of how I was brought to tears when I first read this letter from him last May. He wrote about moments in our lives where he realized how much he loved me… some were funny jokes I played on him and some were sincere moments that defined our marriage. At the end of the letter he wrote that he would spend the rest of his life living his love and respect for me.
Reading these words now is like a slap in the face.
When he got home I asked him: “How do you write those words when you were disrespecting me completely?” His response was that he kept his affair so separate in his mind from our marriage. He said a cheating spouse does not believe his affair is affecting his marriage or feelings at all. I guess, he justified his behavior by thinking that what he was doing had nothing to do with our marriage and he wasn’t hurting me.
My response? Then why am I here? If you can so easily separate yourself from our marriage and believe that your relationships with other people (sexual or not) have no impact on our marriage–then why the fuck am I here? I realized my response was without thought that he knows better now. Sometimes I forget that an explanation of his thought process during the affair is not the same as it is now. I let myself cool down before continuing the discussion.
It’s impossible for the betrayer to understand the pain the faithful spouse feels. I try to look forward… move forward and not dwell on the details that will cause me pain. But it is haunting to think that your best friend and husband could sleep with another woman and profess his love in numerous emails to her and then come home and look me in the eye. Sit down to dinner with our children. He went to my parent’s home and pretended like he was giving me infinite love and happiness while he was destroying our marriage almost daily. If not with sex, with an email, a text or phone call.
I ask him how the guilt affected him but I guess he repressed the guilt. He felt it but he didn’t focus on it. I asked him why he never came to me and said he was being tempted to cheat. The first time he slept with his AP was not unexpected. She told him what she wanted and he tried to dismiss it for a few weeks. There were a multitude of choices he could have made but heleft his, mine and our children’s fate in her hands.
I saw the email she sent him saying she’d be working from home on a certain day if he wanted to stop by and see her. He told me when he drove there he knew they were going to have sex. He had been considering cheating on me for about a month with her… or considering having sex with her because she was stipulating this was what she wanted (needed) for their friendship to continue. He says he told her that he didn’t want to have a sexual relationship with her but yet he ended up in her bed. So why couldn’t he tell me anything? Once he told me he considered telling me after she kissed him that it had happened but he was afraid I would freak out and think he was cheating and possibly kick him out. So he didn’t tell me about the kiss and instead had the affair. How does that make any sense?
Writing this post is making my eyes well up with tears. I fear living the rest of my life with this pain in the bottom of my heart. I am afraid that his actions will never not haunt my mind.
I told him last night that we’ve been married for twelve years now… I planned to be married to him for the rest of my life… fifty? sixty more years? This is 1/5 or less of our marriage and he was tempted and cheated. The pain of being betrayed is the most horrible destruction of a person that can happen in life.