My husband cheated on me. Now what?

Last week, a new betrayed wife posted a comment on my blog. She discovered her husband’s affair the night before and her Googling brought her to my blog. I remember so clearly lying in my bed typing the words: my husband cheated on me into the Google search bar of my iPad only hours after my discovery. I wanted someone to tell me what to do. I was completely unprepared for an affair. I always assumed if he cheated our marriage would be over. Maybe it’s what I was taught or maybe I just haven’t known any happily married people that have dealt with infidelity. The fact is I didn’t know what to do. I felt broken and defeated. I felt alone and scared. I wanted someone to tell me how to navigate this mess because this wasn’t supposed to happen to me.

What I discovered in the 72 hours after my D-Day was there was no one out there that agreed on what to do. Every betrayed woman had a different path, a different story or a marriage unlike my own. I joined web groups and read countless articles and blogs. And still, no one could tell me succinctly what to do. Honestly, I wanted someone to tell me if my marriage was over. Like I said, before I found out my husband cheated I didn’t think I would ever stay or have the capacity to forgive him. But after I discovered his affair, I realized that our love was not a casualty of his affair. I told myself I would allow myself time to decide if I could remain in the marriage or not. I told myself I could leave at any time but I would allow myself two years to heal. My decision may be not right for anyone else but me—but I could live with it.

I remember reading this article about four or five months ago. The questions asked in the article are:

  1. How do you define love?
  2. Is your definition of love large enough to encompass profound failure?

We each define love independently in our own lives. We place our own limitations and expectations of love on our definition. On my D-Day, I don’t know if I could have known if my definition of love was large enough to include my husband’s failures/infidelity. As much as I have grown in the past ten months, there are still moments when the affair hits me like a ton of bricks and I question whether I can forgive him completely. It’s how I overcome those moments that keeps me going. It’s about being open and honest with my husband about those moments so we can have complete transparency. I am not expected to just get over his affair and move on. We have an agreement that if something bothers me in five, ten or twenty years about this affair that I can bring it up and he can never say: I thought you were over that already. I promise to not hold grudges or throw it in his face but I am not expected keep silent either.

I made mistakes in those first days after discovering his affair too. We spent hours talking but I couldn’t hear much of what he said. I heard the words but I couldn’t understand them because I made assumptions that were completely wrong about his relationship with his AP. I had always thought if a man has an affair the sex must be amazing, the relationship is worth walking away from your marriage for and the man is a liar. While those things could be true—they weren’t the truth for us. Try not to base your healing on anything said in the wake of the discovery of the affair.

Sex is also a strange thing after an affair. Many women report they begin the hysterical bonding immediately. That was not the case for me. My husband was not home for 36 hours after I discovered his affair. I had time to read and read online about infidelity. I read that it took two years minimum to heal and I told myself we might now have sex for two year (boy, was I wrong). I also told my husband this. I told him that I couldn’t be physical with him and was he willing to work on a marriage with no sexual intimacy. He agreed he would stay no matter what happened. We made love the night after we were both tested for STDs. We went out to dinner and we began talking—not about the affair—about us. We were on a date and we didn’t even plan it or know it. We left the restaurant and began kissing in the parking lot. He pushed me up against the car and I never wanted him more in my life. We barely made it inside our home before I began ripping his clothes off. That was September 28, 2012. We made love seven times over the next twenty-four hours. Both of us full of desire and passion. What I realized about hysterical bonding is that it has to be both ways—both spouses have to need that connection to be reestablished with the other person. My husband and I must be still hysterical or bonding because we haven’t missed a day. The sex is the best it’s ever been and we had a passionate and playful sex life before the affair.

The truth is you may not know what to do after you discover your spouse cheated on you, but you will be okay. You will survive. Take care of yourself. Eat. Sleep. Don’t spend every moment thinking about the affair.

I wonder what advice you wish you heard on your D-Day or just after? Write it below and hopefully it can help someone. Finish this thought: My husband cheated on me, now what?

236 thoughts on “My husband cheated on me. Now what?

  1. My husband and I are really working on our marriage and I think we will be okay. But I have a few questions. I found out in November that he cheated on me. About a month ago, he accused me of having an affair and while I was visiting my older children and grandsons ( I had my younger sons with me) he deliberately made me think he was with another women just to get my reaction. Since I told him what he did was beyond cruel and that he could pack his bags, only then did he tell me it was just a test to see if I cared and that he only thought I was having an affair on him and couldn’t stand the thought. (I have never had an affair by the way). Anyway, today he said he has been really good to me. Sending me flowers, date nights, etc..and yet I haven’t been giving him the special attention back. Really? I told him it’s because I am still guarding my heart and that I deserve to be treated with love and attention. After all its only been a couple of months since he cheated and only a month since he made me think he was cheating just for my reaction. I told him the fact that he is still with me was because I love him and that should be enough until my heart mends. I tell him I love him alot, we talk alot, we make love more. I just don’t quite feel good enough to shower my affection on him like he’d like me notes, kisses out of the blue, special dinners he could come home too, etc. Am I doing okay? Is this normal? I have triggers sometimes and will get mad now and then but I don’t throw his betrayal in his face. Should I be doing more for him? Any advice is needed. Thanks ladies

    • Jesus Christ, I am reeling. I just found out this afternoon that my husband and father of my young children cheated on me.
      I do t even know what to think or feel I primarily feel sadness and loss, flashes of betrayal and anger. I also feel compassion for his, bc I see that he has not faced down the demons in his life (we all have demons to face down) and those have driven him to take actions that quite possibly destroy the things that he holds most dear (our family being together, me as his best friend). He has confessed and is indicating a full willingness to work toward healing.

      I don’t even know where to start or how to get a handle on this. I am reeling.

      • I feel like I felt that same way in the beginning. I would get in my car and scream at the top of my lungs: “I HATE YOU! YOU RUINED MY LIFE!” To the point where I lost my voice. I found it cathartic to just scream, yell and cry by myself in the car. I always wonder if people wondered what the hell I was doing. Lol.
        Trust yourself… I had no idea where I was going but I decided to take control, do what I wanted for me. I am so much happier today in my life than I was before. I thought our life was perfect. There’s always something to achieve and chase after. There’s always room to grow. After an affair it becomes completely obvious there is something missing/wrong/lacking…. The process of healing can be painful and miserable. But it gets better….

      • Hi, Its been almost 3 months since my husband confessed having sex with women he met online ( a local call girl sight). My way of handling it in to talk alot and have date nights once a week. I have what you call “triggers”. Something he says or something reminds me of his unfaithfulness will send me through the roof. I explain to him that I am healing and part of the healing comes from expressing my feelings, whether its crying, screaming, or just holding him. He understands. He helps me by just listening and telling me how much he loves me and that he is sorry. Time does heal all wounds. I have forgiven him and it is getting easier everyday to put it in the past. We will not let this destroy our family. Love does conquer all. There in beauty all around, when there’s love at home.

      • I truly wish I could have the strength to want to spend more time with my husband since he cheated. He lied about it for a year and I thought it was just texting one but come to find out it was texting two and slept with another.. He is more involved in church now than ever. And I am truly happy for him, but the lies.. How do I over come that. I am trying to forgive and trust but I don’t know if I can.. help help help

        On Thu, Mar 6, 2014 at 6:46 PM, Healing After My Husband’s Affair wrote:

        > rebsand commented: “Hi, Its been almost 3 months since my husband > confessed having sex with women he met online ( a local call girl sight). > My way of handling it in to talk alot and have date nights once a week. I > have what you call “triggers”. Something he says or somethin” >

      • I found out this week my husband has been having an affair for months. I know your post was a little why ago. How are you holding up?

      • I am just now reading this blog and came across your post. I was drawn to two things: I am a stamper also ;-) Secondly, what you said about it really being about your husbands own demons. At the beginning of this year (2014), I found emails on the computer at OUR business that we run together. They were to random woman who he says contacted him first. The first email he sent was awkward as if he didn’t know what to say but by the fourth email he had it down. Not only was he looking for some discreet fun and hookups but also someone he could,actually have fun with. My whole world dropped from beneath me. I had been a very active wife mother and business partner to him. We have two children (a daughter 23 and a son 18). His reaction when I confronted him went from denial (“oh those are just spam that get sent to me all the time) to anger when he realized I found that he actually responded back. I left our office with a copy of the emails and made several copies that are now stored at a friends house should I need them (although after checking with several divorce attorneys I was told it doesn’t really matter to judges anymore!) As I drove away from our office hysterical and crying he told me on my phone that “he NEVER cheated on me”! REALLY??!! I’m supposed to be happy about those emails to random most likely skanky woman??!! My initial response in those following days was divorce ….I kicked him out of the house and he moved into our casita. Eventually I told my two older children.,,only as many details as I felt they could handle. My kids were absolutely CRUSHED. My son had trouble going to and functioning at school – his senior year. My daughter was less than a year into her dream job at CBS News in manhattan. She had to leave work when she got the news. Everyone who was close to us was in total shock. It was like we were all mourning a death. About five weeks into it, I received a single text from him “I’m so sorry I did this to you.” . For the first time in weeks I felt like there might be hope. Fast forward to present. We’ve done counseling..he said the emails were and will be his biggest regret, he said he felt lonely and defeated as we had struggled through the financial crisis that had been going on… He again said he never physically cheated on me. Then why do I still break down crying several times a week? When will this anger go away? My husband as you mentioned has major demons from his childhood. He is constantly saying he’s dealt with them but the reality is he hasn’t…he ignores them. I have been the person he dumps all his emotional crap on yet he HAS NO CLUE! Sorry for rambling on, but your blog resonated with me. I hope you are well and healing. And I hope the same for me too.

    • I cant believe how many people are here. I found out 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an “emotional” affair with some women from myfitnesspal web site. Calling her 3 to 4 hours a day while I was at work. I found out 1 week ago that he dated his massage person and was calling her too. Of course he denies an sex, but I cant believe anything. I am constantly questioning EVERYTHING. I have been married for almost 24 years and 3 children. How everyone gets through this I have no idea. it is work everyday to just function.

      • Functioning and getting through each day in the beginning is extremely difficult. It’s hard to trust again. You need to take care of yourself-eat, sleep, breathe. That was my mantra for months after my D-Day. I felt like my world was destroyed. It gets better. You will survive. You don’t need to make any decisions now about what to do unless you know what you want/need. Everything I thought in the wake of my D-Day wasn’t entirely true. Talk to your husband. Ask him for what you need. You will figure out what you need as you get through each day. Hugs.

      • Same situation for me…just try to get out of bed every day and do something normal- even if it’s just one thing. I found out in January and I’m still breaking down. I’ve read it takes about two years. My biggest anger is how he destroyed my children’s innocence towards love and marriage :-(

      • I’m so sorry for your heartache as I’ve been through it. My husband too said he “never physically cheated”. I don’t know if I’ll ever believe it. Just try to get out of bed EVERY day and do something normal (if only one thing). I am married 24 years too and have two adult kids who were CRUSHED. I kept reassuring them that somehow we would come through it. I’m angry about so many things but mostly for the moral decay that has encompassed our society since the dawn of the internet.

  2. I found out in May last year. He came home and told me. I had no idea. I felt sick. I still feel sick. I can’t believe he did this to me. My daughters love him. How to I break up their family. He had to leave his job because of what he did. I feel sick whenever any of my colleagues ask how he is enjoying his new job. I just want to cry all the time. I am so sad. I don’t know what to do.

  3. I just found out my husband is having a affair he says he loves her in the emails im going out of my mind cant eat cant sleep please someone please help m e please

    • Hi me,

      How are you doing? The nights seem endless sometimes. I used to sit up and read blogs on my iPad and wonder how my husband could sleep…. I guess it’s different for waywards. Their relief comes from telling the truth while our pain and suffering begins once we know they cheated.
      You are not alone though. You will get through this. You will survive. Take care of yourself…

      • I feel so hurt & betrayed by my husband, I found out 6 weeks ago that he had sex with a young lady that works for me and was my friend but 16 years younger than me!!! but I certainly am wanting hysterical bonding but he isn’t and this hurts me so much! I know he doesn’t want her anymore (she turned out to be a complete head case) but why doesn’t he want me?? he says he feels so angry and upset about what he’s done he cant!!

    • I just found out my husband has been having affairs on and off our entire relationship and since we have been married. We have been together for 12 1/2 years. I am only 29. I am completely broken and devastated. I cannot eat or sleep either. You are not alone. My husband is not willing to work on our marriage and is openly sleeping with and getting relationally involved with other women. I am going insane. High blood pressure, racing pulse, panick attacks. I am begging for mercy.

      • You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Eat, sleep, breathe. Those are the things you need to focus on and then make decisions to protect yourself. Try to find a therapist or someone you can trust to talk to about what you are going through. Sending you positive thoughts and hugs.

      • Dearest Lindsey, sending you love. Just found out my husband has been heavily involved with a young employee of ours. I have been a glamorous, faithful, loving, hard working wife for 22 years and now I’m told I do not inspire him! I’m in agony just remember The One True God and pray for strength.

    • I’m sorry, this happen to me too this week. It is a horrible living nightmare that won’t go away. Seek help for yourself if you can it is helping me. Wish you well on your journey of recovery.

  4. My husbands infidelity started 4 years ago when I was pregnant w/ my son. When I found out, I packed my things and moved in w/ my sis. He found me & asked me to come back home & I did. Since then it’s been a roller coaster. For several months he’ll do great..going to church, praying, being accountable, talking & having great sex. Then he’ll fall off the wagon into infidelity again. He says he doesn’t want to end the marriage but how can I believe that when he repeatedly commits adultery? Maybe my problem has been that I’m so focused on him instead of me, my children and my relationship w/ God.

    • Just discovered my husband of 7mo has been text cheating with an old friend for the last 3months. I feel broken. I am lost. There is so much betrayal I feel that I can’t explain it. I too came to google bc I just don’t know how to deal right now. I cant believe we are one of those couples. It pains me to wear my wedding ring and pains me to not wear it. I honestly can’t believe it happened and I can’t stop crying. I can’t talk to him or be in the same room with him for long. I am hiding it from my 10yr old daughter. Also I know it’s doing further damage by not communicating with him but I just can’t. I want to tell someone but I can’t.

      • If you can’t talk to your husband find a therapist, a clergy or someone who can listen. If you can go to therapy try to find a time when you can talk to your husband. It’s painful and one of the most difficult conversations to begin… but it needs to begin. In the process of finding out all the details of my husband’s affair, I also learned how he truly felt about me and where we needed improvement.
        I felt the same way about my rings and even just looking at my husband in the beginning could cause me to sob. It’s hard but you will find that you will survive. There are so many women here. We are a testament that you will get better. You will be stronger. Just take the time to heal. Sending you lots of love.

  5. Now What? It still seems like such an empty question. My D-day was just over 2 months ago. I am having a rough night tonight, although I have heard him tell the AP it is over time and time again she called me again tonight. Each and everytime I think now what I get dragged back into the mess my husband made. Yes he says she is crazy and “blackmailed” him for over 5 months about a 1 night stand, but she still really hasn’t gone away. She lives almost 8 hours away from us and time and time again she pushes her way back in while we try to heal. Everything is blocked from social media, email accounts and phone numbers, but somehow it doesn’t seem to end. Nights are the worst when trying to decide what now?

    • What is she looking for? How do you guys deal with her persistance and calling him? I don’t know what I would do if my husband’s AP wouldn’t let go. It’s got to be very difficult to work on your relationship and rebuilding the trust with her constantly interrupting your life. Can you get a restraining order or send a cease and desist?

  6. Just like any other woman who has been cheated by their husband, the first thing i did was google ‘why men cheat’, followed by ‘can a marriage be salvaged after infidelity’ Then i grilled my husband to tell me the reasons that he cheated. This was his initial answer when i was wailing like a mad woman and threatened to leave him. He is bored and enjoys the thrill of a new relationship (i.e the sex). He thought it will end as quickly as it started and i will never find out.
    After 2 months past D-day, and lots of time to reflect on himself, he finally found the real reason. He was in love with the ‘experience’ and not the AP – Just like any new relationship, the excitement swept him off his feet. He is living a fantasy life where no responsibilities bog him down (because the AP lied to him that she is married but her husband is impotent so he is like the knight in shining armor coming to rescue her).
    The affair lasted for 6 months before i found out. It is really messy right now as the OW is pregnant with his child and he got her to agree to abort the baby. Before

  7. She gave him 2 options : either marry her or pay her to abort. My husband never loved her and will not marry her. She demanded a huge sum of money to compensate her for the hurt he caused her by asking her to go for abortion. She blackmailed to reveal this to his boss and post their scandalous affair on social media to sabotage his career and my husband agreed to pay her out.
    The reason i am writing is i feel very upset now that i have a part in taking an innocent baby’s life. I told my husband that i can never accept that the OW gives birth to their child and he continues to support the child financially as i don’t want him to ever have any contact with her whatsoever.
    i really want to salvage our marriage and i think this decision is the best for us. What do you all think?

  8. It’s been exactly one month since I discovered through texts and phone records my husband was involved with two women. He denies that the relationship was ever physical, just emotional, so I called both women. They were more than willing to spill their guts and apologize for flirting and encouraging a relationship. The problem is he cheated 15 years ago when we first got married and I just do not have it in me to forgive him again. We have two kids but I kicked him out and only allow him to come over 2 hours a night. I have decided I’m calling the shots this time. He is doing everything to save the marriage but I’m not sure I want to stay married this time. All I feel is this intense anger towards him!

    • Hi K,
      You have to trust your instincts on what the right thing to do is. You have to feel everything completely, the anger, pain, devestation, so that you can heal and be stronger. Take care of yourself.

  9. I don’t have advice, for I am still hardly close to healing. I feel that me offering my coping skills is like being a blind leader. I just wanted to say that the above is my story through and through. I felt like someone found my journal and wrote it for the world to read. And that, alone, is a good feeling after feeling so alone. I too can be feeling fine and all of a sudden, like a movie in my head, I go back to the night I found out. When these movies play the feeling are just the same as they were on my “d-day” and I burst into tears. I have gotten to the point where I can’t watch a movie that has infidelity (that includes a lot of chick flicks believe it or not.) To conclude, I just wanted to thank the author of this article for making me feel less alone in a world that has seemed a bit more grey since the start if the end of my life as I knew it just ten months ago.

    X a woman torn.

  10. As I Google about how I should feel in a moment like this. All I can think of is my connection with my husband after the facts, that we both cheated. We also made love more than every before. 3-6 times a day for weeks. Both of us had full desire and passion. Something we never had before. It was almost like knowing someone wanted my husband so bad made me want him even more. But now months later, the 3-6 times a day went back to 3-6 a month and I find myself feeling guilty and undesired again, not because he is not desirable I am just tired and busy, I am use to having a full schedule. WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN!! We have two children, full time jobs, sports, dance classes, and our own duties. But we are young, late 20’s, sexy, fun and find each other very desirable, but yet it isn’t enough. What am I missing.

    • Hi Steph,
      I completely understand where you are coming from–how does a fulfilling, passionate sex life become too exhausting… My therapist always says that it’s perfectly normal for couples to put sex last because after we take care of the kids, the house, our jobs and everything else–we have no energy for sex. But sex is one of the most important factors in couples being “happily married”… so how does it fall to the bottom of our to-do list?
      After the affair my husband and I have committed to sex on a daily basis. We’ve found that having sex first thing in the day works best for us. We are lucky enough that most days we can wait for the kids to leave for school but sometimes we just have to set the lock the bedroom door, set the alarm and go for it. What I have learned is that when we don’t have sex I now miss it and find we talk about wanting it all day long. Also, sometimes just talking about it helps–just saying I really want you right now but I’m tired. Sometimes just talking and expressing that desire leads to sex or lets your partner know that you still desire them. Also build up is huge for me…. texting throughout the day, kissing. I recall kissing–real kissing–being the first we weren’t doing all the time when our sex life dwindled. Now, we kiss for at least 30 seconds + three times a day.
      Sometimes just talking about it helps.

  11. I found out about my husband’s affair this past November. We’ve been married for 20 years and I too thought we had the perfect marriage. He ended the affair in December 2012 and we’ve been so much closer since then, I just didn’t know why it was all of a sudden better at the time. We are doing as well as we can be I think, at this point. I have a question that I haven’t seen addressed anywhere yet: My husband has blocked out some of his memory from what has happened. He’s shared everything and has answered all questions but genuinely could not remember that she and I had been friends for years before his affair with her! We were talking and he mentioned introducing us when she started working for him. I got her the job at his office in 2010 as his secretary and we had eaten lunch together twice a week or so for years but he has no recollection of this! We’d been friends since 2007 or so. It made me as angry as when I found out about the affair, but he really doesn’t remember this at all. I’m not sure what to make of it and it scares me somewhat. Also, I’m thinking about contacting her husband since I know him. I don’t think he knows to what extent the affair lasted. I also feel guilty for not calling him in July of 2010 when I suspected that she was after my husband, and again in early 2012 when she took a job that my husband’s company did 90% of their work through. (She wormed her way in through one of his employees recommendations. His entire office has since been told of the affair, as well as her current boss so there’s one more wall of protection for us.)

    Have you heard anything about blocking out memory like this? What’s your take on contacting the other betrayed spouse?

    • I think the mind is a crazy masterpiece. I know that theere are memories that my husband has blocked from his mind–but never about who my friends were and when. Does he not recall any form of a friendship between the two of you or did he just not realize the scope of it?
      There are times I wish I could have sat down face to face with my husband’s affair partner and told her exactly how I felt. But the truth is my husband’s affair partner is crazy and most likely, a sociopath. So she wouldn’t even grasp what I need to say anyhow.
      I spoke to Bat Shit’s husband because I needed answers. I needed to know if what i was hearing was true. There were pieces about Bat Shit that didn’t add up and I knew that my instincts were not off. My story is all on here… but Bat Shit and her husband were divorcing when I spoke to him. He actually had no information except the knowledge that she had cheated. I felt in some ways that I helped him get what he needed to really close those doors in his life. BUT, I also learned that he suspected our spouses were having an affair throughout the entire year (it was happening in his house afterall) and he never contacted me or felt the need to. He didn’t care about me or my husband–which I guess is fine that I learned on my own. But if you need answers and he already knows–then maybe. If he doesn’t know the truth then I don’t know if you want to be the one to deliver that news.

      • I moved out in Dec and I still cant get over it……I don’t know that I will or if I will. I am so stressed and tired of crying and tired of being mad. Now he is in church more than ever and doing all the little things I always asked him to do. But I feel like I am not in love with him anymore. I do love him and care about him, but maybe I don’t know the difference. Some days his voice makes me mad.. Is this normal…what do I do?

      • The question you should ask yourself is Do you love him? Is he sorry? Has he listened to you? Is he willing to gain your trust back? I’ve had to let myself believe that he is truly sorry for hurting me and that he will never betray me again. I realize I am still on a rollercoaster of emotions. Being angry really drains me. It is such a destructive emotion. Whenever anger sets in I say a little prayer. Forgiveness is so healing. It frees his guilt and your pain. Don’t let the adversary win. He laughs at despair. Don’t let him. I still have moments when I check his phone, emails, etc. Whenever he starts acting evasive or starts picking arguments with me I get into my private investigator mode. It’s been 4 months. I’m still not over it but I try. I love him. He loves me. That’s all I know. If your marriage is worth fighting for, then fight. But fight with honor and hope

      • i dont know how i feel. i found out in dec. i feel like now that its out its off his shoulders and he is happier but i dont know how i feel. i just had the baby in feb. i dont know if my emotions have gone back to normal yet. we are going to the counseling tomorrow i dont know how that is going to go. everything is going to be revisited. i’m not sure i’m ready for that. i have been trying to forget. to block it from my memory. so i can sleep at night…….

      • In the beginning, right after D-Day, I had this feeling like it might all just be one really bad dream. I might wake up and my life would be like it had always been. I knew it was real but there was this hope deep within that it wasn’t true. I wanted the illusion of perfection back…
        Anyways, take your time. It takes months to figure out how you feel and even that will change in an instant. I hope you are taking care of yourself and your baby. Sometimes a baby brings about new hope, a change, a new beginning.

  12. My husband broke the news to me 1 month ago. In that month I have found the pain has increased…I expected it to decrease. I have anger, hurt, and fear. I feel lost. I don’t know how to talk to him…or what to talk to him about, as my every thought is about the affair…and honestly I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I want it out of my head! I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of feeling “fine” one minute & a roller coaster of emotions the next – for no apparent reason at all. Thank you for this blog.

    • Hi Anna,
      I felt the same way during the first four months. I think those first four months were the worst roller coaster. I still loved him but I hated what he did so much and I was in so much pain. I had so many questions and sometimes the answers destroyed me. Some of this continued up until about nine months until I realized I was triggering myself. That being said, you have to go through the worst of it in order to figure out what you need and want. You don’t see it now, but you are growing stronger every day. The tears will eventually subside… I rarely cry about the affair anymore unless I am completely stressed in all areas of my life and this is just one more thing to manage. Some couples establish guidelines about talking about the affair–only an hour a day or a week. I always felt compelled to get things off my chest so I didn’t create a story that never happened. But each person has their own story of what works for them. You will get better…. it takes time.

  13. I don’t even know how I ended up here, but I thought
    this post was good. I don’t know who you are but certainly you are going to
    a famous blogger if you aren’t already ;) Cheers!

  14. I did the exact same thing you did, and today I typed your exact phrase “my husband cheated what now?” And like you nothing I’ve googled, or forums I logged into, or friends have been able to tell me what’s right for me. Like you my days are filled with thoughts of his affair and I feel like telling him off and leaving because it seems unbearable. That trust I had has not been restored but in time I believe we can build it again.
    I do truly love my husband, he has never abused me or made me feel worthless. He has always taken care of me and made me feel beautiful. He is a good dad and works hard at everything he does. I know he is not perfect, I am not making excuses for his infidelity. But he has shown me how much love he does have and is sorry for what damage has been done to our family.
    I hope this strength I’ve found inside me, will carry forward to the day I can truly say I forgive him. If I can’t forgive, then there is no point in me bothering to try and fix this marriage. So for now I do love my husband, I have to see if we can make it work. If not at least I know I tried and what doesn’t kill me will only make me stronger.

  15. I’m so lost right now. I have always forgiven him in the past but there are so MANY women that he talked to. There’s also an ex who he emailed & text nude pics w/and spoke so poorly about me! He offered to have sex w:her & talked about getting divorced. I’m so hurt! I thought I was happy. Now I’m crying and he’s apologizing I don’t know what to believe I have my children to consider too. What do I do?!?!??!!!!

    • Hi Renee,

      I have no idea what you should do about your marriage. But you should not be apologizing to your husband… I hope that’s not what you meant. My best advice would be to get into counseling–both you and your husband together and you need to go alone too. I would also encourage your husband to go on his own too. There is so much pain, anger and confusion after an affair and I found it really helped to have a neutral person to talk to about anything and everything.
      Take care of yourself. Talk to a friend you can trust. Feeling better takes time. Focus on yourself and then you will figure out what to do about your marriage with time.

  16. My husband left for a job interview out of state, I found out he was cheating the day he left. Emails to and from 4 different women. We’ve only been married two years but we were so happy, so in love. He was my best friend, my everything. He swore he didn’t have sex with any of them. I emailed all 4, 3 of them answered me. He had sex once with one of them. They met on a sugar dating site. He paid her 1400. To have sex one time, it was supposed to be an ongoing arrangement. They got into an argument and she told him to get lost.
    The emails were very difficult to read, especially the parts about me. I’m boring, he is attracted to younger women. I’m a year younger than he is!
    I won’t let him come home. He left MN and is now in OH near his parents but they refuse to help him. I don’t know if I can believe him though, he told a lot of lies, I called his Mother and she hung up on me. He swears he told them the truth, that he cheated and now he wants to come home. He wants to go to counseling, he sends me love letters and poems and swears it will never happen again. Even if I believe him, my 21 year old Son that lives with us wants to beat the crap out of him and because of my big mouth, my entire family and friends hate him. He will be homeless soon though and is sick. What should I do?? I pray and pray for help, I can’t hear anything. Please help!!!!!

    • Kim, I know where you are.. I know how you feel it has been a year and 3 months since I found out about the first texting cheat. Then this past dec I found out more details of another and another and another and one of them was sexual. I have moved out and just still have so many emotions.. It is hard and I don’t know what I am gonna do yet. But I take each day slow. He is trying but he ate the trust away and killed my fight little by little for a year. Im here if you need a ear. or if I can do anything.. I had no one and still really don’t. but maybe that is best.

      • I am having a really hard time here. I found out a week ago that my husband is still contacting and talking to women (escorts). I got his phone records and the obsession he has is just that. He promised me in November that he would never hurt me again. He just got caught again. I don’t trust a word he says. He says I am pushing him away with the constant accusations and he can’t take it anymore. I am so hurt but yet I don’t want him to go. Is is best he leave? Or should I give him a second chance. God help me.( He slept with four women in Oct, Nov.) I don’t trust him anymore)

  17. I have been with my husband for 13 years ( married two) before we got married my husband cheated on me basically the whole time we were together. He had one night stands, slept with hookers, tried to sleep with every single one of my friends, slept with my friends friends, got std’s because he never once used protection. And also had several drawn out affairs. I found out about one of the affairs when a family friend witnessed my partner kissing another woman at a bar. So I confronted him about it and he thought it was quite funny and ran off with her. I was devastated. I was now a single mum with no idea what to do. Weeks later my partner contacted me wanting to get back together. I agreed. A week later he ran off with the same woman again. He played between us for 3 months. It emotionally destroyed me. Finally he agreed to stay with me and admitted that he had a drug problem and had been unfaithful our whole relationship. I was so low I took him back. The other woman stalked and harassed me for two long years. Two months after I took him back I became pregnant. I threw everything at making a stable family life and we moved to another town for a fresh start. After my baby was born we decided to get married. I though this would finally be the relationship I had always wanted. A year after our marriage I thought everything was getting better until my husband pulled me aside and told me he had had another affair. I just went numb. I asked him to move out. His mother and he harassed me the entire time we were apart begging for another chance and once again I took him back. Then the new woman he had an affair with started to harass us. Saying she was pregnant. Abusing me and stalking. This went on for 8 months. Her harassing his work mates and his family also saying she was pregnant but never providing any proof. 8 months after the affair she was saying she had given birth but we found out it was all a lie. But I have been emotionally damaged by all that has happened. I don’t want to sleep with my husband or even have him touch me. I don’t know what I have put up with all this and why I can’t leave him after everything. He thinks I should just get over it since it’s been 9 months but I don’t know if I will ever recover. Just wanted to put this in writing. It helps :)

    • I think it does help writing everything down and being able to share. Even if we don’t know each other I know the pain you’ve been through. I understand how you could say enough–the emotional damage is the hardest thing to recover from. Taking care of yourself and your baby is the most important thing. Knowing you deserve everything is the first step–and don’t accept anything less. Thanks for writing and sharing. :)

  18. Contact me on Facebook I would love to talk to u! It’s hard I am still moved out and I can’t over come what is done! I miss him and I miss our family but I can’t seem to go back! I pray for u and I am here email is everyone is different but they say they change and some do! By my problem is that it happened all the times and now he is supposed to be forgiven over night an me go back! I’m here if u would like to chat email or even talk! I have millions of sleepless nights! Who knows what the right decision is but we can’t keep living their lies!!

  19. I just found out my husband is cheating on me last night. I cried, confronted, and cried so much more. He says he loves me so much. I can’t believe him. He isn’t ready to stop seeing her and doesn’t think there is anything wrong with liking (aka. having sex) with another woman. The trust is shattered at this moment in time. I’m so torn, broken, I feel and know I deserve so much better/more. Saddest part, I love him so much still, he is my world, life, and everything. We have 2 awesome young boys together and wouldn’t ever dream of hurting them. I want to work this out and not lose him but can’t have that other woman in the picture and I feel like something is so very wrong with me that he went to someone else. He says his ego is so high that he says he wants it all. How can I get through this, crushed doesn’t even begin to see where I’m at.

    • You are right, your husband is only thinking about himself. I cannot understand how he was able to tell you he is going to have it all–wife, kids and an affair? You need to decide what you need, what are your demands?
      You may need to both seek therapy. Take care of yourself. If you do have sex with him make sure you use protection. Sending you hugs.

  20. My husband n I have been married for 6 years,but I’ve never lived in the same home with him because he lives n work out of the country . We have 2 kids and I’m presently pregnant for him . He cheated on me 2 years ago according to him n I discovered it 3 weeks ago when his ex girlfriend started calling me . When I asked him he accepted it n has apologised a lot . he is going to church n has confessed it to the priest . I love my husband n I’m willing to make my marriage work again despite the pains n distrust I feel for my husband . but my fears is this….He does not live with me in the same country, so how do I know his life now n help him fight his temptations? pls help me with ur advice

    • It’s going to be difficult to rebuild trust when you live in separate countries. Your husband needs to be willing to do anything and everything you need to feel comfortable again. Maybe he can check in with you or you can be free to call/text/email whenever you need him. Can he go to therapy either through the church or with a psychologist? I found going to therapy both with my husband and on my own to be extremely helpful. I realized that everything I was feeling was normal but I also needed to be reassured. My therapist helped me realize I needed to trust my husband again. I may not trust him 100% but I realize I have to have faith in him.
      Your husband should try to figure out why he cheated. Was it about sex? Because he was in another country and thought you would never find out? Or because he felt left out of his life with you and this woman offered him attention and adoration? Once he understands why he cheated then you may be able to move forward.

  21. 11 weeks ago my husband, best friend, and soul mate told me that 2 years ago during a short period of time we were ‘not getting along’, he cheated on me with some woman from work he had met and started talking with. He went to a bar after work and she was going to meet him, he said he had no expectations but enjoyed having somebody to talk and joke with that seemed to care what he had to say. He told her he was married but we weren’t ‘getting along’ and she never asked one question, she didn’t care, if anything it was a green light for her and I guess him too. He said he got up to leave and she walked out with them and as they walked by his car she stopped with him and then they just kissed, it was middle of winter and she said lets get in the car so the love of my life did. He said when they got in she got on top of him and said you want this and then he said ‘yes’ and with one word he destroyed the amazing life we had built together. He said it was awful, cold, mechanical, fast as he could get it done so he could get out of there, he felt unimaginable shame and guilt and the whole time he just kept seeing my face and wondering what the hell was he doing. He said he dropped his pants and she pulled hers off, it was quick and over. I remember the night because he never ever went out to a bar and this time he did and he came home late and took a shower before he got into bed next to his wife.

    anyway, a week later this husband of mine went to the bar again, even though he says it wasn’t for or about sex because , he just wanted to talk to someone. So basically he says he had to go and she followed him out and she said again lets get in your car and the same thing happened, he said it was worse for him than the first time and he did it as fast as he could so he could get home and he knew he would not ever do it again. a few days later at work he went to where she worked and told her he would not do it again, he told her it’s not the person he is and he couldn’t do it…she was pissed off and just said whatever and walked away and thats the last time he had a conversation with her. If they saw in hallway, they barely said hi as they passed. She was laid off less than a year after that. He told me her first name but he has no idea what her last name is, he said he knew at one time but has no clue now and doesn’t want to know, he said he was relieved when he told her not gonna happen again and had no regrets with that. He said after she was so quick to jump on him his opinion changed of her and realized she was just loose and nothing more than a bar pickup. What does that say about what he was? What I can’t get past is then why did you go back a 2nd time?? It is killing me.

    Fast forward to 11 weeks ago and he tells me that he felt that we were close enough and enough time had past that we could get through this, that he had to tell me because he couldn’t stand what he did to me and wanted to be honest so we could have a healthy honest marriage (funny I thought we did !) …

    I made him sell the car immediately and it was gone in 2 days. he tells me 50 times a day how much he loves me and he believes we can get through this, that he made the biggest mistake of his life and he would do anything to take it back. He hurts because he can’t believe how badly he has hurt me and all I do is cry and it kills him to see me like this, I have gotten every single detail I could out of him over and over and over again and it still isn’t enough for me. We have nothing but love for each other so why can’t I move forward, when does the heart stop breaking, when will I ever stop crying, when will I sleep at night again, will I ever trust again, I no longer have this fairy tale life that I thought I had and everyone else still thinks I have since no one else knows, I just feel so shattered, broken and disgusted by it all and when I look at him I see his arms around another woman while wearing his wedding ring.

    I appreciated the note above, we too have been having sex daily for 11 weeks now and I sometimes wonder if its too much but I feel like its our way to connect and stay close to each other.

    • Hi,
      I am sure you know what I am going to say but it takes time to move forward. Sometimes it feels like you take one step forward and two steps back. Eventually you will begin to even your pace but the first few months are extremely difficult. I asked myself the same question–Why did my husband go back? My husband started with just talking too, then one day a kiss and then a few weeks later she offered sex. He kept getting in his car and driving to her house 2-3 times a month. He says he never “planned” to have sex but he had to know it was going to be offered. And it killed me to think he would make appointments with her to go to her house. He wasn’t willing to take me out on 2-3 dates a month but he was willing to drive to another woman’s home and “talk” to her and have sex. At some point it stops being a knife in your stomach causing constant pain. But it takes time. It took me about nine months to get to a point where I felt like things were okay.
      I feel like your husband is deeply invested in you and rebuilding your marriage. It sounds like you love him in spite of all your pain and struggles. I wish there was a secret potion or trick to make everything fast-forward and you can be okay. But you have to go through the shit first. You’ll get there. You will be better someday. You will feel truly happy again. You will trust him–but it will be a different form of trust.

  22. My D-Day was in Jan, 2014. My world came crashing down. We were married for 19 years and been together for 23. After I discovered the affair, I asked for a divorce, he won’t let me go. He said we will heal and grow old together. He promised to stop. He didn’t. He said that they didn’t meet up but only communicated via phone and chat. He said he was very apprehensive doing it. I caught him two times that they are in communication after D-Day. However, in between the first and last time I caught him, he took me twice on business trips with him overseas and each one lasting 4 nights. He never did that before even though, he has been travelling for business for years. During those two trips, he treated me like a princess. But the truth is, I don’t think I can even trust him again, not after the third time he cheated. I have no support from my friends or my family because they all think I should leave even in the beginning of the discovery. Everyone thinks that he does not deserve a person like me, (I am a very nice helpful, person and someone who friends and family have no qualms in confiding the secrets to).I am now insecure and at a loss of what I should do. I need help.

  23. The OW is also married. According to DH, her marriage is in shambles. Her husband does not even ask of her whereabouts, also the reason why it is so easy for them. I know it is the truth because my husband, the OW and I attended a function together, she got so drunk that she was there the entire night, no calls from her hubby. My question is, should I inform the OW’s husband. I am weary because it is easy for her to walk out. If her marriage result in divorce because I inform her husband, would it be even easier for them to be together? I know ultimately, at the end of the day, it is not the questions I asked above, ultimately, it is whether I choose to trust, give my marriage a fourth try and protect my children. I am dying inside. I feel as if nothing in our relationship is real. But it was so real the second time around, he even planned and booked for two more overseas trip for us (one in June and one in Dec). Like all DHs, he said he was sorry and would not do it again (smirk). All of you, I suppose knows what is like to be hit by a truck, it then reverses and do it the second time.

    • Hi Lost Girl,
      It sounds like you are being destroyed by your husband’s affair. Can you leave? Can you get some distance even if it’s just for a short period of time? You need to take care of yourself first. Make sure you are safe–physically and emotionally. Your husband is not looking out for you. Take care of your children. Trust yourself.

  24. my husband cheated on me, now what?

    I would like to share my story, though it will probably not be of any help to anyone reading it.. but I do hope that it will take some of the pain away in my heart..

    I can’t explain the love I feel for my huaband.. he broke down all the walls round my heart and he stole my soul when we met. the first time he camw over to my house for a cup of coffee.. I never thought I would fall inlove with him but as he sat across from me it was like the whole world just disappeared. And so a beautiful friendship started between us and we hanged out often, though I dreaded the moments we were alone.. I didnt want him to know how I really felt about him coz I was so afraid of loosing him as a friend, afraid he would end our friendship if he knew the truth in my heart..
    As time went by our friendship grew stronger and to my surprise one evening he told me he just need to get something off his chest..
    He told me that he’s got feelings for me.. my heart was overjoyed.
    finally, oh so finally I could come clean with him too.. I no longer have to love him only in my dreams!
    we were so blessed and so happy..
    When I was 8 months pregnant with our first child, I found a very odd conversation on his phone.. he was chatting to another woman.. it was very detailed. And they were in contact for months before I found out..
    I couldn’t believe what I was reading on his phone. he was telling her about me and even that I was pregnant. but then they were also sending each other very sexual messages.. he declared to her that he has feelings for her and they were talking of a time when they were together.. he was telling her how he can’t get her out his mind and then he described a night when they actually had sex.. he made a comment of the purple dress she had on that night and then she jokingly mentioned to him that aoon he will be a daddy..
    my world felt like it is ending as he asks her if she would’ve minded if he didn’t use protection coz he wouldn’t mind her being his child’s mother.. I was horrified, I was 3 weeks away from giving birth to his child and he asks another woman that!
    my whole world crashed down on me.
    He woke up and found I actually slept in another room and he knew what I discovered..
    He first acted out, he was angry at me and tried to have a fight but I completely ignored him and he finally left for work.
    I was on maternity leave, thank God.. I didn’t want to be near other people.. I needed space to think, to cry.
    he kept calling my phone but I just couldn’t answer it.. I cried for days on end.. I couldn’t do anything else. I couldn’t even have him near me.
    A few days later I became very ill and was hospitalised.. I cant remember much of the first few days I was admitted..I just remember him never leaving my side..
    I believe in my heart that if I didnt get so sick, I would’ve ended the relationship..

    today our baby is 6 months old and I have decided to stay in my relationship.. there are times I wish I had the courage to leave him.. but then I look at him and remember that guy who stole my heart and I see just how broken he is now.
    I am overwhelmed with love and sometimes it’s good and sometimes it hurts.. I know he is deeply sorry for what he did.. we are both badly effected by his mistakes.. I am no more the spontaneous woman I once was. I miss how we used to be..
    I miss that guy who sat across from me that day when my heart was stolen.. I miss my friend.

    • Healing takes time. You are right in the middle of the pain. I honestly believe you have to go through the worst of it all before you may know what you want or need to do. Take care of your beautiful baby. Let your baby be a distraction from your pain. Go to therapy together. Talk. Keep the lines of communication open. You will figure out what you need to do.

  25. My husband cheated on me with my cousin someone who has been close to me for years will i ever be able to move on from this from both of them I’ve been double betrayed

  26. I found out my husband had a six month affair 9 months ago and it hurts every single day, not one day has passed without me crying, I just can’t get the thoughts and images out of my head. We’ve been married for 23 years and I have been with him for 27, we have three beautiful children and he has always been my best friend, we have never had any problems until she came along. She befriended me to get to him, then she asked him to build a website for her so she could get close to him, she kept propositioning him but he kept saying no because he loved me and he was married but she wouldn’t take no for an answer until eventually he gave in. She is a newly trained counsellor and used her skills to manipulate him, asking him about his childhood, what he wanted out of life etc etc,we would argue over her because I had my suspicions, she would cause arguments between us by flirting with him whilst we were all out together, trying to kiss him at every opportunity whilst he was drunk and couldn’t remember, I saw her doing it, I would get upset, we would argue then he would talk to her and she would counsel him telling him I wasn’t right for him and clearly he was looking for something else in his life, telling him that she understood him and I didn’t !! She is a despicable creature. Anyway, eventually he gave in as she had made him feel that I no longer wanted him, she asked him round to her house on the pretence of looking at her computer, when he sat down she got the champagne out and seduced him!! He says it was awful but once he was in it she wouldn’t let him go. She threatened him that if he dared walk away she would come to our door and tell me, she was in love with him and wanted him desperately, he tried to end it on a few occasions but each time the threat was there, he felt trapped, he never even got an erection with the woman and once couldn’t even be bothered to do it at all but she insisted he meet up with her and made him call her every day. She told him the lack of erections didn’t matter and it would eventually get better, but they never did, I do believe him as the details he has told me no one could make up, I feel sick with what she did to him! Even though I know all this it has completely destroyed me and I feel completely lost. I feel worthless and so heartbroken, I never thought in a million years that he would do that to me, he just wasn’t like that, yes he liked to flirt but that was it. I don’t know whether I want him anymore and I feel like I want to make him pay for what he did to us but I do love him, very much. We are still trying but it just feels like it’s getting worse not better. He sends me a love song every day, tells me how much he loves me and what a complete idiot he’s been, he doesn’t even feel like it was him last year and he hates her for what she did to him and us as a family, he wishes she never existed, he is a lot happier now that he is free of her, I’m glad he’s happier but I feel so sad, I am really struggling with it all. I just hope that I can get over it as my world will be a darker place without him.

    • I still find it incredible that women are willing to manipulate men to get them to cheat. I know I shouldn’t be shocked but I always wonder what my husband’s AP really wanted with my husband? What if she got him–then what?
      At nine months I was still struggling. I was sad, I still harbored so much anger at the AP, I was still struggling to find the “WHY?” factor. It took me a long time to get past that road block. I couldn’t let go of this idea that I would be able to get the answer that would make everything click in my head. Honestly, I will never get a satisfying answer to why my husband cheated. My husband’s AP will get her payback from me. But this took time to get here.
      If you find yourself getting lost in the pain and triggers then distract your mind with your kids, work, a hobby, anything. Don’t let yourself dwell on anything for much longer than a minute or two. It can become destructive. You will get better. You will.

  27. Today is my D day. Even tho my heart has known for some time, My husband and I have been married for 12 years, We both had been in very angry codependent marriages and neither one of us are fighters, We have never raised our voices to each other( well not until I have the last few weeks) He has been my best friend, we do everything together. Incredible sex life. Well not as much the last 6 months, On our 12th anniversary (6 weeks ago) on our hiking vacation after I cornered him about not being attracted to me he tells me he no longer felt intimate towards me but couldn’t tell me why. 5 weeks ago he tells me a long heartfelt story that about needing to be a dad again. a “full time dad” he talked a lot about “regret” and “needing a chance to redeem himself” for not being able to be there every day with his daughter who is now 17. she spent 1/2 her time at our home and he had been a wonderful father. Coaching soccer and softball. spending lots of quality time with her. They had always been very close. She is older now and not spending as much time with us. My boys are 19 and 25. Leading their own lives. I am 45 and mu husband is 53. I am physically not able to have more children and nor would I want to. We had been so excited about traveling without children and looking forward to grandchildren. I felt that he was having a “midlife crisis “. I tried to be understanding and patient with him. Thinking this was a phase he heeded to work thu. I asked him in the beginning if he and already met this younger woman who could make this new life with him. He had told me no and I so badly wanted to believe him that I never asked him again. Over the last 5 weeks I have been on a roller coster ride. Somedays believing in him and others knowing that he was thinking of someone else. You heart knows. The only person I have told is my best friend who lives 4hrs away. Not sure what I would have done without her, When I asked him today he finally told me that there was a coworker he had been talking to about his need to be a dad again. He claims they haven’t slept together but that they have only gone out for drinks and to a soccer game(that he went to with Gary) He tells me she is a divorced single mom and they have been talking a lot about his need to be a dad again. I am pretty sure I know who she is but he refused to confirm it. We talked for a long time. I asked if he wanted me to give him his freedom to pursue what he needed to make him happy. I do love him and want him to be happy. He tells me I have been a fantastic wife and have done nothing to deserve this. He doesn’t want to move out and I have informed him that he will not be allowed to date and live here. He agreed. He agreed to go to counseling today even tho he had not wanted to the last several weeks. I don’t think I believe him that they haven’t slept together. I haven’t cried since we talked. I screamed loud enough that I am surprised the neighbors didn’t call the cops. I made an appt for counseling and bought some new shoes. He had plans with his daughter today. My friend gets off work in a few minutes and I will probably cry then. So my journey begins…. I don’t know where it is going to take me but I am glad that my google brought me to your site. I am strong. I will survive.

    • Hi Pam,

      I hope you are doing okay or as well as possible. I know a few days have passed since you wrote but I am just logging in to update my blog. Where have the conversations gone since you first learned of his relationship with this other woman? I hope you both can get into therapy together and separately too. It sounds like your husband is struggling with something and it could be related to age. I know that much of my husband’s insecurities about aging and himself led him to his relationship with his AP. He didn’t believe in himself and it was easy to believe the lies she told him. The thing is, your husband sounds like he does love you and he’s tempted or enjoying the seduction of the relationship that is brewing with this woman. I think finding a good therapist is crucial for your husband. Can he verbalize what he feels is lacking or missing in his life or your relationship?
      You need to stay strong, ask for what you need and communicate what you want. You have already begun by telling him that if he needs to pursue a relationship with this woman then he needs to move out. I know it’s hard but you will survive. Take care of yourself. I am glad that bought new shoes. It’s your first step forward and you should be wearing fabulous shoes.

  28. This is exactly where I am at… My husband and I have been married for 11 months. He is in the army and was supposed to come home next month after being gone for those 11 months. Yesterday he confessed to cheating on me. He said it happened twice within a 24 hour span. I always thought I would be ready to leave him, but I find myself wondering what the right thing to do is… I am devastated. I’ve known him for almost 10 years. We were together for 5 before getting married. I want to tell his command. I want them to have consequences for their actions, but I’m not sure if that is the right thing to do… I can’t sleep. Every time I close my eyes I see them. I feel so broken inside… I don’t want to feel this anymore.

    • Some of my actions in the immediate aftermath of finding out about my husband’s affair was done out of anger and spite. I told his AP’s husband and I question whether it was the right thing to do. They were already separated but I didn’t know that at the time. I just wanted his AP to suffer some consequences for sleeping with my husband and carrying on an affair. But I don’t know if that was the right thing to do. I would hesitate before telling his command about the affair. I realize that’s your decision but I also think that sometimes what we do in the heat of the moment is not rational. Give yourself time and take care of yourself first. Your husband will suffer consequences from telling you the truth. He will witness your pain and lack of trust.
      I know the pain you feel. It sucks and it feels like it will swallow you whole. You will get through this. Figure out what you need and want. Tell your husband. Take care of yourself.

    • I have wrote before my husband cheated on me three times but only sexual that I know of once! I moved out in dec and still trying to figure it all out! We have not filed for a divorce and he is Saying all the right things and doing all the right things but gets mad that I won’t spend time with him. Or when I see him I won’t look in his eyes! He don’t understand the hurt the distrust! Each time I caught him he blew it off as he said it was just texts and joking! I found out he slept with another women while we were moving into our new house! We had only been married 10 months! I can’t look at him in his eyes because those eyes hurt me and lied to me!!! What do I do! Somedays I feel like I should walk away because I will never trust him again then he makes me mad because he don’t understand why I don’t want to go to the places we used to go and walk and talk! Ugh please help!!!!!!

      • Do you know what you want? Do you want to fix your relationship with your husband and repair your marriage? Learning to trust again is difficult and it takes time. Is your husband willing to go to counseling with you? One of my mandates was that my husband go to therapy on his own too. I wanted him to understand his own behavior and why he didn’t end the relationship with his AP despite his desire to. It took time for my husband to make the appointment but now he’s going and learning more and more about himself.
        Getting over the lies are difficult. Keep talking to him. Tell him why you are frustrated. If there is a place that is triggering you–ask him about what happened. Whenever I tried to bottle up my emotions they would spill out and end up worse than before. My imagination about my husband’s affair was much worse than the truth. I learned if I was wondering about something just to ask. Usually knowing the truth allowed me to let go of the pain I was harboring. Ask questions. Take care of yourself first. If your husband wants you back then he needs to be willing to do whatever it takes. That means being there for you, listening, answering questions and letting you cry when you need to cry. That’s just part of the deal.

  29. I found out my husband was cheating 3 months ago. And although he claims they never slept together I wonder? He told her he loved her and they work together. I still hurts so much that I cry almost everyday. I wish that I never found out because I dnt trust him . My faith in love is gone. I never saw in coming because he was use to say how much he hates cheating. This girl is as educated as him. I am like a dull and stupid girl compared to her. Although its apparently over . I just dnt think I will ever stop feeling this pain. He expects me to just move on. But how can I when everything in my life crashing around me too. To think I was trying to fall pregnant while he was cheating. I feel so sick about the whole thing. Even tried councilling but gave up cause I feel there’s no hope. Please is there any for me?

    Thank you

    • Hi Tasneen,
      There is hope and you can be happy again. If your therapist was not helping you maybe you can try another therapist or joining a betrayed spouses group. Everything you feel is normal. I felt the same way–that my faith in love was destroyed. It takes time to let go of this pain. Some days it will feel like you take one step forward and two steps back. Over time you will eventually see that you are recovering and healing from the pain. There is hope. I promise you. Take care of yourself.

    • I had to meet this other women ”nothing happen” thing ! it turns out he was instigating sex and she stopped him … the nothing happened thing was a sexual fummble in her bed and kisses…it sill hurts me after 11 months now, but we have worked things out and are moving on , a nothing happened is very different to the guilty party ! I wanted to go mad slap the other womem , but found been calm and keep talking you get more info…

  30. I found out that my husband cheated on me 6 months ago. We’ve been married only for 9 months now. When I found out about his affair I went crazy.bbut we talked and somehow made up. But it happened 5 more times after that. Is this what my marriage life is supposed to be? Phew tells me that he can’t live without me but he doesn’t stop cheating on me. What do I do?

    • Did you find out about the five additional times after you made up? Did the infidelity occur with the same woman or different women? Your marriage should not be a series of betrayals that you are asked to forgive. Healing from betrayal takes time and energy. My best advice would be to ask your husband to go to therapy. He needs to find a therapist that will help him figure out why he cheated. Marriage requires trust and it is work–but you should be working together. I hope that helps.

  31. Thank you for this blog, like others I found it by googling. I have suspected for while that my Husband cheated. the OW told me her baby was his but I chose to believe him. But a DNA test has revelaed it is all true. He claims now it was just one night that he can’t remember, she says it went on for years. My head is screwed, my heart is broken. He moved out for a few days but is now back home and acting like nothing happend. Its been just over two weeks since I found out the truth, I’m being slowly destroyed and can’t concetrate on anything.

    • Why is he so afraid to tell the truth if there is proof? It seems like he is not willing to look at himself in the mirror yet. I recall a week after D-Day I asked my husband to read a book targeted for the wayward spouse. After reading the book he called me very upset. He told me that he no longer wanted to look at himself in the mirror because he hated his reflection. While he was cheating he never felt that way–it was only afterwards when he realized what he had done to me, to our marriage, to our kids and to himself. The first step for your husband is to accept responsibility for what he has done. It’s impossible for you to move forward if he cannot tell you the truth. Take care of yourself first. Listen to what you need. He is the only one that can help himself.

      • Thank you, I asked him to leave again I can’t have him in the house, just looking at him makes me feel sick, as another commenter has said even watching a tv programme where infidelity happens make me cry. I’ve told him I need time alone to consider my options and feling for him and the situation but its still so raw I can’t see the light at the end of this big dark tunnel.

  32. When I found out it was a complete shock. I literally stopped breathing. The pain was deep and numbing and I almost thought that I would have a stroke or something. How can an emotion so strong affect me physically to the point of losing it. He looked at me while I was feeling all of it and he realized how much pain he inflicted on me. For the first time I saw fear in his eyes, fear of my judgment, of loosing our relationship. I guess that’s why I decided to hear him, try to understand what he had done and why. He was very detailed and answered all my questions. He cried, a real to honest cry. He was very ashamed. Its been a couple of months now and Its getting better. I hope one day I don’t think about it anymore. I guess we are closer now than ever. We are more open with each other and forgiveness both from me to him and from him to himself had helped us overcome such tear in our lives. Hang in there. The best things in live come after adversity.

  33. I am so glad for this site. Last week i suffered a miscarriage of a little boy at almost 16 weeks. Ever since i got pregnant my husband and i have been on different pages. We’ve constantly bickered over text msgs between him and other women, receipts for hotels (which he denied), empty condom boxes (which always belonged to someone other than him)…i decided to go through his phone Saturday night and i found the confirmation i was looking for. I saw messages between him and another woman discussing the sex that they’ve been having lately. I confronted him and he admitted to having an affair. I feel lost, sick, sad, angry, etc. He says he wants to get past this, but i everytime i close my eyes, i see them having sex and it makes me sick to my stomach. How do i get past this?

    • It takes time to heal. I am sorry you found yourself here but I hope you realize you are not alone. Take care of yourself first and foremost. You’ve suffered two very traumatic events and you need to be aware of your needs and how you feel. I remember when I first found out I couldn’t eat, sleep and at times it felt like I couldn’t breathe. Eventually, I forced myself to eat and found a way to sleep even if it was a few hours here and there. At times the pain can be overwhelming and you may need a shoulder to cry on. Talk to your husband. You don’t need to know what you want to do right away. Allow yourself time if you are uncertain. Communicate with your husband how you feel and what you need. If you want to try to heal your marriage he needs to be fully invested and honest with you–no more lies and deceit. Lies that come out later will only hinder your healing progress.
      Take care–sending you hugs.

  34. someone please help me I have been with my husband for 13 years we have been married for 2 years we have 3 children my husband has cheated on me before we got married he said he would never do it again the last time I took him back I trusted him and he ruined it again the other day my son had my cell phone so I use my husbands phone to make a call as I was making the call I noticed a text message was coming through a different text service on his cell phone he been ripping the cell phone out of my hand as I was making a phone call and I asked him what it was and he said nothing and I knew it was something and I told him if he had nothing to hide you would let me look at the messages he did not he deleted all them he said that he’s never been actually together with her texting is only thing that have been doing I found a CD in his coat pocket with a bunch of love songs on it made by the girl for him he said it was nothing I asked him where he got it and he said he got it from her and I asked him why he said he never seen her and you just keep lying he will not be honest with me is it bad that I want to know the details I think it will hurt when I do know the details but I think maybe if I do know the details maybe we can move on he has been under a lot of stress my brother is living with me he’s been asking me to ask him to leave and I have not he said our marriage is falling apart no I did not believe that so is it my fault that you do that on me should I wanna make my marriage work for this my 3 kids should I just move on please somebody help me give me some hope

    • I recall a women commenting on my blog that she never wanted the details of her husband’s affair. She wanted to move forward and not live with any triggers of the pain of his infidelity. While I understand that perspective, I felt like I needed answers to any question that I had so that I could understand what he did and what was going on during the affair. Most of the time the answers he gave were not as bad as my imagination. Sometimes it was worse. I believed knowing the answers would also help me figure out why and how the affair happened in our marriage. I don’t know if there will ever be an answer to that question. But I do believe talking about the affair helped me move forward. I understand my husband on a different level because we’ve answered those questions that we try to keep hidden from the world. Our connection is deeper now.
      That said, you need to do what you need to do to heal. The affair is not your fault and your husband needs to accept full responsibility. It will be impossible to move forward without him accepting what he has done and how it impacted you.
      Your brother is looking out for you and trying to protect you. However, I would ask him to try to remain neutral and just be a shoulder to cry on right now. If you don’t know what you want to do–that’s okay. You don’t need to know right now if you want to stay or leave the marriage. You need someone to listen to you and hear you. Your brother doesn’t want to see you suffer but regardless of whether you stay or go–you will be in pain. It takes time to heal. There is hope, I promise. You will survive this and you will eventually know what you need and want.

  35. I have always felt my husband was sleeping around for years…but never had proof or he would lie his way out of it…this weekend I found a photo of him naked in bed with a naked woman…there are no words for how I feel…he done it on our 15 year anniversary…I feel sick…we have talked but I feel broken every second all I see is that image…I had a total melt down after he finally admitted to it…I wish I knew who she was but she has her back to picture…I don’t know what to do…will this sick feeling ever go…

    • That sick feeling takes time. All you need to do right now is take care of yourself. Eat, sleep, breathe. You should get tested for STDs. Trust your instincts to know what is best for you and then start from that point. If you want to rebuild your marriage then you may want to find a marriage counselor/therapist. You said you suspected he was cheating for years which makes me think you are saying there may be multiple women. If that is the case, your husband needs to discover his triggers to cheat if you are going to heal your marriage.
      The most important thing is to take care of yourself right now. Make time for yourself. If you need to cry, cry but don’t let yourself be swallowed by the pain–because it will swallow you whole if you allow it. Talk to someone (a friend, family member, pastor, or therapist). Write if that helps you release the pain. Sometimes putting words to paper or a screen allows me to release the emotion into the world and not allow it to keep me it’s prisoner. Remember you are not alone… there are so many women here that will offer support.

  36. Pingback: Triggers, Attention, Pedicures: My Affair Recovery? Not going so well.. | How To Not Hate My Husband

  37. I love this story. I found out my husband cheated on me with a co-worker. Just friends as they both recall. But I felt same as you at first. I decided to stay I have good days. & bad days . And the sex is also better with us. I don’t know why I want him more now. But I get so angry at times and throw the cheating in his face u don’t know what to do. It’s been almost 8 months how much longer do I have to go thru this.

    • At eight months I was still riding the roller coaster of triggers/emotional breakdowns/pain. I felt like I would have three good days and then a bad day. I think the sex gets better because the craving is also a need. A need to reconnect and bond. I felt like my husband needed to have sex as much as I did. The sex is still amazing but the desire is different. We have sex because we want it now, not because we need to. But the hysterical bonding stage was amazing.

  38. I just found out that my husband of 7months and have been together going on 3yrs cheated on me. I’m a mess a can’t eat or sleep, I finally tried to eat and I just can’t hold it down I feel sick to my stomach! I’m devastated feeling completely Broken I hate him for what he has done to me and our family and i can’t image my life without him. At first I felt like it was my fault (and still do) that I wasn’t pleasing him enough:( I tried to talk to him about it I even contacted the girl trying to find out the truth but he’s saying he never did anything and doesn’t know who this girl is that’s a lie I read his text….. I’m so lost right now…. Please help me I don’t know what to do I’m losing my MIND!!!!!

    • Hi Emiliee,

      Have you been able to find out any more from him? I hope he has been honest. You cannot deny text messages or emails from your account. I hope that he can be truthful and give you a place to start from. If he cannot be honest then you will need to decide what you need/want/can live with. You are not alone. You will get through this but understand you can be the one in control. You can be the one to decide what happens next.

  39. I just found out 3 weeks ago that my husband of 32 years is having an affair. It sucks for sure and after 3 weeks the pain has eased a little, I would say roller coaster is the best way to describe my emotions.
    I knew this woman was after him on Facebook and I asked him to delete her. She was in his kindergarten class. ugh
    He didn’t delete her but instead started talking to her more on a hidden Facebook account. Our relationship was in the shitter because of his wanting another woman and the excitement of the “new” woman. And I am sure I am not perfect but I was rejected emotionally and sexually from my husband for around 3 yrs. It was painful but I really didn’t think it was because of the AW. I was wrong!!
    I found out about a year after it turned sexual. He left his fake Facebook on. I saw the messages about the affair. The I love yous, the you are my soulmate crap.
    I had begged him for attention for years.
    And by the way I have put on way too much weight over the years but my face still is beautiful and my personality is the best…lol
    Now he says he didn’t love her but has feelings for her, he is not seeing her or talking to her. We are both in separate counseling, I have spoken to my priest.
    He says he is sorry and wants me. He is saying beautiful things to me and melting my broken heart. I love him with all that I am.
    What do I do?
    Does time really mend your heart?
    Can I ever trust him again?

    • Hi,
      Let me try to answer your questions–because I think they are exactly what the right words to say.

      What do I do? Take care of yourself. Make sure you are eating and sleeping. Don’t spend your entire day in the pain you feel. If you feel like you are spiraling or sinking into the abyss ask for help. Tell your priest, your counselor, anyone you can trust. Distract your mind–kids, work, hobbies are good for that. It may seem strange but I found that sitting down and being creative allowed my mind to focus on things I enjoy–not the affair.
      You don’t need to make any decisions about the future of your marriage/relationship. Do what you need to do. If that means staying put or asking him to give you space or moving out then do what your gut is telling you to do. You need time and to heal before you can figure out what you want. Talk, talk and talk some more with your husband. Communication is key. For me, I needed to establish a ground rule that all questions would be answered honestly. No more lies. Even if the answer hurt me, I needed to hear it. I needed to make informed decisions going forward since I was left out of my husband’s most destructive decisions for over a year.

      Does time really mend your heart? Time will eventually cure your broken heart. Time will keep passing that is for certain. As long as you are focused on getting better and becoming stronger as an individual–time will heal you. I am not going to lie–there are days it just plain sucks and you won’t want to get out of bed. There will be days that you feel like you are on the road to recovery and then you will hit a wall. Just keep getting up out of bed each day, keep going, keep believing that there will be an end to the pain and sorrow you feel. Don’t get lost in the setbacks because there will be more good than bad that comes out of this in the end.

      Can I ever trust him again? Yes. It will take time and he will need to earn every inch of trust back himself. I always say that trust is like a full cup–we give it completely at first but once trust is broken the cup is empty. I often wonder if the cup will ever be completely full again or if I am jaded now and unable to completely trust again. I’m not sure. In the beginning I trusted nothing and no one. There are still days I question the truth. My trust in just about everyone in my life was impacted by my husband’s affair. I guess that’s an unfortunate side effect. But, I’ve realized that sometimes trust is just getting out on that limb. You may be unsure but you eventually trust that even if the worst happens you can handle the fall.

  40. I found a text on his phone saying ”are you ok” at 11.30 at night….I rang it several times over the next couple of days, it was a women, We where over the last two months arguing badly, but still having passionate love making sex. I thought I was paranoid but was clutching at straws and really did not expect after texting him in another room of our house ( he thought I was out) ”come clean I rang her , we are over any way , the truth is best coming from you”.
    He got up pacing up and down , saying ”oh shit oh shit.”..I was hiding (just sat in a corner in the kitchen) listening to this…then he looked at me and I new he went silent , I will never forget that look, he said ”I have been on a tea date, ”…I did the oh my god routine and cried collapsed in a heap with him holding me , the panic in his voice, I went to attack , I had no energy , it was like nothing I had experienced…. we have been together for 23 years we have had our split ups and we have in-between had sex will others…we got married 9 years ago…………………………………..He had gone back to her house after been in a night club she came on to him he liked it flared back , got in to her bed at 6 both drunk he tried it on with her touching her up and the rest but they did not have full sex cos she stopped it..I know this after the interrogation with him and her, he told her that he was divorced 4 years ago….before I found out about this I thought our relationship was on track as he looked at me saying how beautiful i am and couldn’t keep his hands off me before during and and after he was carrying on with her…nothing changed there where not clues………………….he took her for tea one night after telling me ”I have to work late” . He said when he met her (sober) his thoughts where, ‘ what the hell am i doing ? he said he didnt fancy her and when she ask him to stay over night after late tea, he declined and went to walk out to door with out a kiss ! ”her words” she was a women scorned as he told her he was divorced…I seem to trust her side as my husband diluted the truth ….he said he ”felt lonely we where arguing , I needed to talk to someone ”…yes what a shit excuse…I am hard I can ignore him..I deliberately left him out of my life weeks before this brief affair…but still after 11 months I cant get it out of my head, still cant believe it…we made love the night I found out and we have bed days we are closer then ever … he his full of remorse..I did find it hard the weeks months after, he found it hard too ! I told him to get rid of the guilt now and we have worked though this…I told if this ever happens again , I will not have the questions who where what …we will spilt……I did knock on her door and found her to be honest with me, I think every women should confront the other women…..I did have a good look at her she wasnt a patch on me , know wonder whent sober he didnt have the same drunk feelings for her………It was important to know if they had sex , it made a difference to me…..but equally he touch her in a sexual manner it can ruin my day if I think about it……some one once said to me….imagine a stop sign …this works for me sometimes , I can stop my thoughts…try it ……If your love for each other is strong, you know if its the right time to stay or leave your husband…I do however feel a fool and have only told a close friend, the hurt does get better , …

  41. one more thing Ive just read on this blog ….I choose to ask questions over and over , because the answers where not bad as my imagination ………this is true and after 11 months dont regret asking ,

  42. I found out my husband cheated on me today, he did it last year before our first anniversary. I’m just so sas and angry! He lied to me for a year. I just cant stop thinking about it, it was with a girl we worked with. I just feel sooo stupid! It doesnt help that i’m pregnant right now and he is on the road because he is a trucker. I’m trying not to stress because of my baby. He apologized even said hegwants to change but i’m so angry i actually want to hurt him. On the other hand i dont want to divorce him either because iblive him and were perfect for eachother yet i dont want to seem like a fool. I just can’t see past this, why did he have to betray me? He told me he waanr even attracted to her and has to think of porn just to get turned on before they did the deed. I dont understand. I feel sick and like i can’t breath. Hw is supposed to be coming home tomorrow but i dont

  43. How i will act i am deeply afraid i might just beat him up. But really thank you for posting this, seeing this and reading the commemrs made me feel a bit better.

    • I am sorry that I am responding a week later to your post. How are you doing? I hope that you realize you are not alone. There are so many women here to share your pain, your story and help you. If you beat him up then he may have deserved it (jk/not really)..

  44. My husband just told me tonight that he had an affair a month ago….. throughout that time I was assuming he did because of how short he was being towards me and always starting fights. He first started blaming me and always asking if I cheated. So it all makes sense now…. I’m so devastated, he’s in the Navy and we’ve only been married for a month now… he was drunk and on some drugs (and no he’s never done drugs) I’m being told in my heart to stay amd give him one last chance, but my head is going so crazy I dont know what to do. He says I get a “hall pass” to have sex with another guy. But I dont see that as fair, because I never gave him one! I dont know. We are going to work it our I guess. I’m supposed to be moving out to finally live with him on August 1st, that’s been the plan for a long time now. I just hope this works out! :/

    • Have you guys seen a therapist or counselor? I would want to get to the root of why he cheated, especially so early in your relationship? I would also want to know why he thinks giving you a “hall pass” will even things out? Most likely, it will cause more destruction.

      Keep talking to him and try to figure out the answers to your questions.

  45. I am having a hard time with this whole forgiveness thing. I don’t understand how these ladies can feel secure again. I am not ok with him cheating and destroying me. I will never believe him again. How do you heal a marriage after this? It has been over a year and I still do not feel good about him. I think about forgiving him- going on with life, acting like it was ok what he did. But I do not feel that way. I could never sleep with another man. I do not understand how he slept with her and it was ok in his mind. He thinks I should just get over it. He just tells me what he thinks I want to hear. Talks about our future-it makes me sick. I know he doesn’t mean a word of it. After over a year of crying, worrying, praying and being absolutely emotionally crazy I am just exhausted and feel like I do not care anymore. I think I am reaching the end of this. I do not respect him. Nor does he respect me- even though I gave him the gift of staying in the marriage and being around his kids. I have loved him through all of this and now there is nothing left of me. I am so lonely I don’t even trust my own emotions. I do not want to be married to him anymore. I just want freedom, peace and feeling safe again. I have survived my parents death, my oldest child suicide attempt and this has by far been the hardest thing in my life. Time heals all wounds, right ? How long do I suffer ? The Bible says Love always perseveres….I have tried so hard to fix this and still feel empty. I have cried every day for over a year. Life has to be worth more than this. I feel so hopeless and so absolutely exhausted from the pain.

    • Time does heal wounds. Sometimes it will feel like you take one step forward and two steps back but eventually you will be looking back from atop the mountain. It takes time, energy and work to get there.
      Suffering is hard. Try not to let yourself get swallowed up by the pain and suffering. I think it will eat you whole if you allow it. Take time for yourself and get away from the pain when you can. Your life is worth so much more than the tears you cry and the pain you feel. That just makes us human. Marriages aren’t perfect. I once believed that true love=perfect, happy marriage but the truth is that equation isn’t always true. The highs and lows are just part of our story. Keep going. If you don’t trust your husband and what he’s telling you then try to figure out why. Go to therapy if he will go. Talk. Communicate. Express your concerns and fears in an non-judgemental way. If your husband does not respect you then you need to figure out if you can live in a marriage like that. What is important to you? What do you need? Want? Set goals and figure out how to achieve them on your own. You can do it.

  46. I am so sorry…. I know you are overwhelmed with pain but try to take some time for you today. Find a therapist when you can and go, even if it’s by yourself. You don’t have to know what to do now. Healing takes time. There are still days that I struggle but it does get easier. Take care of yourself. Eat, sleep and don’t spend all day dwelling on the affair. Wishing you peace today…..

  47. i have only had a couple days to think. for now i am allowing my husband to live in my house. he wants to go to counseling. i dont think it will do any good for me because i know i will never trust him again. we made a compromise. i will go to therapy with him. he can stay here. he has to be completely honest with me and go to church.(because thats when he did it was when we we at church). i dont know that i am making the right decisions. i do believe he is telling me the truth now.

  48. thank you !! All I do is google what to do’s and how to feels… Christmas was a blessing for my kids but he** for me. Tonight we will go over and have Christmas with him… I dread it already just because I know all I am gonna do it cry!!!!!!!!!!!

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