My husband cheated on me. Now what?

Last week, a new betrayed wife posted a comment on my blog. She discovered her husband’s affair the night before and her Googling brought her to my blog. I remember so clearly lying in my bed typing the words: my husband cheated on me into the Google search bar of my iPad only hours after my discovery. I wanted someone to tell me what to do. I was completely unprepared for an affair. I always assumed if he cheated our marriage would be over. Maybe it’s what I was taught or maybe I just haven’t known any happily married people that have dealt with infidelity. The fact is I didn’t know what to do. I felt broken and defeated. I felt alone and scared. I wanted someone to tell me how to navigate this mess because this wasn’t supposed to happen to me.

What I discovered in the 72 hours after my D-Day was there was no one out there that agreed on what to do. Every betrayed woman had a different path, a different story or a marriage unlike my own. I joined web groups and read countless articles and blogs. And still, no one could tell me succinctly what to do. Honestly, I wanted someone to tell me if my marriage was over. Like I said, before I found out my husband cheated I didn’t think I would ever stay or have the capacity to forgive him. But after I discovered his affair, I realized that our love was not a casualty of his affair. I told myself I would allow myself time to decide if I could remain in the marriage or not. I told myself I could leave at any time but I would allow myself two years to heal. My decision may be not right for anyone else but me—but I could live with it.

I remember reading this article about four or five months ago. The questions asked in the article are:

  1. How do you define love?
  2. Is your definition of love large enough to encompass profound failure?

We each define love independently in our own lives. We place our own limitations and expectations of love on our definition. On my D-Day, I don’t know if I could have known if my definition of love was large enough to include my husband’s failures/infidelity. As much as I have grown in the past ten months, there are still moments when the affair hits me like a ton of bricks and I question whether I can forgive him completely. It’s how I overcome those moments that keeps me going. It’s about being open and honest with my husband about those moments so we can have complete transparency. I am not expected to just get over his affair and move on. We have an agreement that if something bothers me in five, ten or twenty years about this affair that I can bring it up and he can never say: I thought you were over that already. I promise to not hold grudges or throw it in his face but I am not expected keep silent either.

I made mistakes in those first days after discovering his affair too. We spent hours talking but I couldn’t hear much of what he said. I heard the words but I couldn’t understand them because I made assumptions that were completely wrong about his relationship with his AP. I had always thought if a man has an affair the sex must be amazing, the relationship is worth walking away from your marriage for and the man is a liar. While those things could be true—they weren’t the truth for us. Try not to base your healing on anything said in the wake of the discovery of the affair.

Sex is also a strange thing after an affair. Many women report they begin the hysterical bonding immediately. That was not the case for me. My husband was not home for 36 hours after I discovered his affair. I had time to read and read online about infidelity. I read that it took two years minimum to heal and I told myself we might now have sex for two year (boy, was I wrong). I also told my husband this. I told him that I couldn’t be physical with him and was he willing to work on a marriage with no sexual intimacy. He agreed he would stay no matter what happened. We made love the night after we were both tested for STDs. We went out to dinner and we began talking—not about the affair—about us. We were on a date and we didn’t even plan it or know it. We left the restaurant and began kissing in the parking lot. He pushed me up against the car and I never wanted him more in my life. We barely made it inside our home before I began ripping his clothes off. That was September 28, 2012. We made love seven times over the next twenty-four hours. Both of us full of desire and passion. What I realized about hysterical bonding is that it has to be both ways—both spouses have to need that connection to be reestablished with the other person. My husband and I must be still hysterical or bonding because we haven’t missed a day. The sex is the best it’s ever been and we had a passionate and playful sex life before the affair.

The truth is you may not know what to do after you discover your spouse cheated on you, but you will be okay. You will survive. Take care of yourself. Eat. Sleep. Don’t spend every moment thinking about the affair.

I wonder what advice you wish you heard on your D-Day or just after? Write it below and hopefully it can help someone. Finish this thought: My husband cheated on me, now what?

330 thoughts on “My husband cheated on me. Now what?

  1. I found out two days ago that my husband cheated on me with a stripper…. TWICE…. Not even a month after I gave birth to our first born. I was crushed….but I can’t say I didn’t see it coming. We’ve been married for 3 years and it’s been nothing but lies. After getting married, I found out he was a gambler and he lost his job, crashed his car and wasn’t paying the bills. I tried to make it work with him for 2 years, going to counselors and gamblers anonymous. I mean he really had plenty of chances but he continued to lie to me. I thought things were getting better and I got pregnant. It was such a happy moment for me and he just didn’t seem to share the same joys. But anyways….I gave birth in February and in March he cheated and then cheated again a few weeks later. All this time, he was walking around the house normal. I did have a strange feeling and started questioning things he was doing. I thought for sure he was gambling again. But to find this girl’s number in his phone, and you better believe I called her, was beyond devastating. She tolded me everything and he still continued to deny it. NOW… He’s sorry and he’s concerned about his son. Of course I kicked him out to his parents. We were having trust issues from before……how could I ever even consider to trust him even 1% now. I know if I never found out, he would probably still be doing it and I know he’s only sorry because he got caught. My heart is in pieces. I’m angry, sad, I just have so many different emotions going on I don’t know what to do. I give you credit for forgiving your husbands and trying to make it work. I just don’t know if I could do that, since he was never up front about anything.

  2. D-Day was two days ago. Actually, it seems that he has been cheating on me with multiple women for almost a year, not just recently. I don’t know how to address him with this. The only evidence that I have is his daily habits and a couple copies of some text messages. How do I tell him that I know with out his spouting lies and without me completely losing it?
    He has already alluded to wanting to leave our marriage and two kids, but I’m still stuck. I think that if it had been a one time deal for him or if he wanted to stay with me I could forgive him and we could get past this. However, this looks like the end. I’ll be okay eventually, but what about my children (ages 5 and 3)? What do I tell them once a decision is made between me and my husband? I hate to think that our marriage is over just like that. Please help with any advice. Thank you!

  3. Hello I need some help to get over this I just found out my husband has cheated n lied to me the whole 3 yrs I been with him .now he wants to work things out n go On but its really hard for me not say things to him I just found out he was going night clubs dancing n all with other women but what’s so strange he never took me to places he took them I say them cause it was more than one r he thinks I can just forget n move on and I can’t…what do I do please help me I’m going crazy .(by the way he accused me the whole time n it was him all alone) .thanks

  4. A week ago I found out my husband had a affair while he was on a 9 week training a year ago. He says it was only for the last 2-3 weeks of the training. They did not have any contact until about a month ago when our marriage took a dip. We are married for 15 years. I really love him and forgive him. I want our marriage to work. He has indicated that he also wants to but sometimes it feels that he does not want to. He has broken all communication with her. She lives about 600Km from us. Am I just feeling insecure? We have talked a lot about why it happend and sex is amazing. I also just feel that I am making a lot of adjustments than he does. He said that he needs some time to think this all over. He wants to leave for a week or two. I have said to him I don’t want him to leave.

    • I also felt like I was making concessions and adjustments in order to heal our marriage. Have you read the book: “How My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me?” Forgive the title but her perspective and experience is different.

    • I feel the same way about feeling like the one who is putting more work into fixing things. When things started falling apart (after 25 years) with us he told me all the stuff that was bothering him and there was a lot of truth in what he said so I started working on changing the things I didn’t like about myself that would help me and make him happy. But like you, I feel like I did all the changing. My husband wanted to leave too and I totally disagreed with it. He left anyhow for 4 days and came back. When he came back he was super loving and caring but still didn’t want to tell me the truth and is still seeing her. Not sure what made the difference in how he was treating me. Good luck. It’s sad to know that I am not the only one who has to deal with this.

  5. I’m so confused. My husband and I are working through his affair and working on our marriage. I found out about the affair about two months ago and it had only gone on about three weeks. It started when I was out of town with our daughter. We were both unhappy in our marriage at the time but I had no idea it was so bad he felt the need for separation. Needless to say he began an affair with our neighbor. He and I got back together and talk more now then we ever have. And our relationship is better than it was before. Unfortunately the affair started with sex but he says that he really liked her too. He says he wants me to stay and he lives me but there is something still missing in our relationship. We’re both unhappy with where we are at. And I don’t know if I should keep trying. It’s only been a month since we got back together. I love him so much but I wonder if he still has feelings for her and if I should give it more time. What do I do??

  6. I might as well share my story I has no idea that there are so many woman suffering out there. My D-Day was a month ago.

    A year and a half ago I went home for the birth of my sisters first baby. It was over Christmas and I took our two kids with me. My husband could not go because he had to work. I have always trusted him and have never felt that he cannot be left alone. One night he went out with friends and got really drunk and had to sleep over at a friends house. The roommate went out drinking as well and on return to the house he said that she came so sit next to him and he does not know why but they had drunken sex.

    I returned home two days later and he said that he had kissed a lady a bar and that it was all. I was so hurt. Then I had a dream in which I saw him having sex with someone else. I confronted him and he said it was true. A year and a half ago when he had said it was only a kiss it was a one night stand. He also has had no contact with her and he has never seen her again.

    I am so hart broken I can hardly breath sometimes. He said his deeply sorry and that he loves me and that he will never hurt me again. We have had mad sex for the last month and he has always treated me with love.

    I don’t want to leave him because I love him but this is killing me the thought that he had sex with someone when we promised before God to forsake all others. I know God forgives us and so should we but this is beyond anything I have expected.

    He has told me everything I want to know. What I would like to do is to contact her not to shout at her but for her to know that I know. I have never seen her in my life and she is not part of my husbands work or anything
    Like that. I don’t want someone out there to think that they slept with my husband and that his wife has no clue. Is that so wrong? I mentioned it to my husband and he said I should leave it. She is a slut and it will not mean anything to her if I ring her. Any advice for a drowning wife?

    • I hope you are keeping your head above water and we can keep you from drowning. It’s so easy to get lost in the pain… I feel like it really will swallow you if you let it. You can overcome this. Why do you feel as though you want to contact her? When I first discovered my husband’s affair I did email Bat Shit (the AP) and tell her I knew about it. I am trying to imagine what I would feel like if she didn’t know I knew. I imagine I would feel the same as you. My advice to your husband is to support you in whatever you need to do to heal. Even if it means confronting the other woman. Even if it drags out things from the past that may or may not be better left untouched. Your needs are paramount. THAT SAID, I feel as though if you do confront, call or write a letter to the other woman then you need to choose your words very carefully. Everything you say/do should be perfectly scripted and shared with your husband. She also, may not remember your husband or even know that he was married if it was indeed one night.
      I know it’s difficult to accept but sometimes even the best husbands fuck up. In a moment of weakness they succumb to a fleeting desire. It doesn’t make the pain hurt any less but he didn’t intentionally set out to hurt you. He just didn’t comprehend the consequences. I hope you can find some closure with all this and keep moving forward.

  7. I don’t know where to start except at the point where I fell into a trap. I asked my husband for a separation because I had fallen in love with someone else. I never had sex with both of them during this 6 month ordeal, at least my vagina is faithful to one man at a time. As soon as I was about to be free of my husband, my lover for lack of a better word started sleeping with someone else and couldn’t see a future with me anymore. I was devastated and went back to my husband revealing the whole truth. A year later I found out my husband had a one night stand, how did I find out you ask?? I got Herpes! Thank you Karma. So I went through some counseling, but we stayed together and life went on as it often does.
    It has been a whole year and I just found out my husband is having an affair, it was only about a week long, but in that week he spent family time with me and our daughter, we had sex 3 times, we had a date. He also went fishing with her and her children, met her parents, had sex with her, spent time kissing her at work, and told her he loved her. Oh yeah he lied to her about everything, his job, family life, everything. He still wants me to stay. He is willing to do anything. I just don’t know how you get through a marriage that has been stepped on three times. I do love him and we are both going to go to counseling, but is it really better to stay.

    • Making the decision to stay is personal. It was the right decision for me. Your husband is willing to do anything to fix your marriage but are you? Have you guys gone to therapy? Figure out what each of you need if you stayed in your marriage. I want to ask you if you went back to your husband (after being rejected by your lover) because you didn’t want to be alone or if you realized you truly wanted to be with him? I think the first part of your answer can be found there. I also think your husband needs to figure out why he’s cheated twice. The one night stand may have been just that–a momentarily lapse of judgement that he regretted or knew was an accident. But why did he lie to the woman he worked with about his real life? Understanding his intention and how he got there may help you trust him again. My husband has spent the last four months in therapy discovering and learning more about his personality. I feel like this is crucial for him to understand not just himself but also his view/role in our marriage. A marriage can heal but it takes both people.

  8. Me and my husband meet January 2012, started dating April 2012, and married in July 2012. Well July 6th 2014 I found out my husband cheated on me July-August with his ex-girlfriend. Not only did he cheated but there is a possibility that he is the father of her 3mo old baby. Hard part is that we were in the process of having my tubes untied. Now my mind and emotions are all over the place. I dont know of I should leave or try and work it out.

    • Hi Scarred,
      You just found all this out only a month ago. You must be on a roller coaster of emotions. What do you feel you need to do right now? Do you want to stay or do you need space? I trusted my gut instinct and I have never regretted staying to work it out. But that’s my own experience. There are some women that need to separate themselves to gain clarity and there are others who stay and realize they cannot get past the infidelity. I truly believe you have to trust yourself. If you decide to stay and work it out figure out what you need to trust and heal. If you need your husband to go to therapy tell him that. If you need to go together to therapy then he needs to be willing and open to do anything and everything you need. It takes time to heal and you both need to be committed to the process and each other. I hope that helps.

  9. I can’t believe how close to my experience yours was. I felt many if not all of the things you describe and the sex afterwards too! This post gives me hope for my marriage and I feel like I am not alone. My issue now is…how do we rebuild confidence in our relationship? I’m paranoid it will happen again. What if it does?

    • For me it took complete transparency for many months. I needed my husband to disclose everything to me. I’ve heard of someone tracking their husbands with GPS but I never went that far (although I considered it). It took me almost a year before I felt secure that I wasn’t being lied to or missing something. The thing is, we can’t prevent this from happening again. Our husbands can promise up and down but there is no guarantee. I believe the honesty we share now will prevent us from going through this again but it’s never going to be something I believe is an impossibility again.

  10. Its been a week since I found out my husband cheated on me. I was completely blindsided. I trusted my husband %100. I don’t know what to think. I thought we were happy, I thought he loved me. I have never been so wrong in my life. I have no idea how to recover from this..if I will ever be able to.

    • I hope you are okay. I want you to know that your husband’s affair had nothing to do with you. It was not a reflection of his love for you or your marriage. His affair was about something broken inside of him. Something he should have shared with you. My husband had insecurities that were eating at him and breaking him. His affair partner adored him and gave him attention–made him not feel broken. He never intended for me to know about his affair and he never realized the pain he would cause me. While some of this offers an explanation but none of it is an excuse. Recovery from infidelity takes time and effort. You will get better but it may take time. Find a therapist or a counselor to speak with. Someone to listen but offer neutral advice is important. You need to decide what you want to do without anyone telling you how to react. Don’t expect you will have the answers immediately. It may take months and even years before you know what you want and need.

  11. Where do i begin. I found out last month that my husband of 6 years cheated on me with a Co worker who is also married (but going through a divorce because she can’t quit cheating on her husband) she knew about me but didn’t care. Both say it only happened once. I immediately kicked my husbanf out when i found out but over the last few weeks he has come back to the house to help with the kids. I. Told him i want a divorce but he is begging me not to leave him. Saying he will do whatever it takes to keep me but i just cant seem to forgive him. I always told him if he cheated on me we were done and even though i am done its nice to see him putting in so much effort with the kids and our house which he neglected for 6 years prior. Part of me wants him to hit the curb but the other part needs him here as we have 4 small children and as much as i dont want to be with him i dont want to see him with anyone else. Its like a lose/lose situation. Im unhappy with him at home because he broke me and ive lost all trust but im unhappy if he is gone because i dont want him to find someone else. I have no idea what to do. On top of that because he works with her it kills me to know he sees her everyday for hours at a time and to make matters worse she actually got incontact with me not to apologize for sleeping with my husband but to justify why she did it which hurt me even more. I dont know what to do but I’m so miserable

    • Before my husband cheated (and during) I told my husband I would never stay in a marriage if he cheated and that I would cut his dick off if he had sex with another woman. All these things I said because an affair/betrayal seemed so far from my reality and life. I didn’t know what to do in the beginning. I still loved my husband but I was so angry and hurt by him. I decided not to make any decisions for a period of time. I read books and blogs. I secretly decided to commit to rebuilding my marriage for two years. IF after two years I still felt empty/sad/miserable then I would leave OR if any time during those two years I felt that my marriage was over then I could leave. It gave me some perimeters to work within. But that is how I felt. Everyone has a different experience and gut instinct. You have to trust yourself but I definitely feel like you shouldn’t make life-changing decisions if you have any doubt. The first month following infidelity is devastating. Regardless of what you decide to do with your marriage–rebuilding your life and learning to trust again is difficult. I hope that you can find the answer you need.

      • I found out my husband was cheating on me & I haven’t told him I know. I’m a wreck but I can’t see myself leaving him. We have a daughter who just got married and her dad is the perfect man to her. If I leave him for cheating on me I’m scared it will shatter her & ruin the father/daughter bond they have and skew her current & future relationships. I love my husband but I feel so abandoned and inadequate. Should I tell him I know? You said you “secretly” decided to commit & work on your relationship…how?

      • I told my husband I knew about the affair as soon as I discovered it. I couldn’t comprehend or make sense of his actions without him. When I said I “secretly” decided to commit and work on my relationship I meant I stayed in the marriage but I wasn’t sure if our marriage would survive. I decided I would stay in my marriage unless or until I felt I needed to go. I didn’t tell my husband that in the back of my mind I had a plan b. I was committed to our marriage but I knew if I was too hurt or it wasn’t working that I needed to know it was okay for me to leave.

      • Thanks. I told my husband I knew he was cheating and he has helped me work through a lot of my issues. We are working on our relationship and so far it seems to be helping with my fear and anger. I do not know if I’m going to stay but he knows I have a “get out” plan and that I am staying because I WANT to and not because I need to…that seems to help me take back a little of my self-respect.

  12. Take your time and get a therapist to help you through this a awful time. I said the same thing and I have put up with it more than once. dumb dumb dumb….

  13. My husband and I have been married for 10 years. I found out about my husbands affair a week ago. I decided that I wanted to stay and try to work things out with him. He said he needed space to sort out his feelings, so he’s staying with his brother for a while. He’s also going through some issues with his mom and dad who are slowly dying from alzheimer’s, so his mind is a mess and he’s completely stressed out. Some days are good, some days are bad. He’ll send me texts and tell me how much he loves me and misses me, but other days he is distant and hardly says anything to me. I’m giving him his space and not initiating contact with him. He told me that we would start “dating” again to get that spark back in our relationship, but I haven’t seen him in 4 days. I’m just not sure what to do. I miss him so much and would welcome him back into our home in a heartbeat, but he says he feels so much guilt over what he did that he’s not sure it will ever work out for us. I told him I forgive him and want to work things out, but I don’t know if he’s convinced of that. Help! What do I do???

  14. Hi
    I found out a week ago my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years had slept with someone else- it hasn’t been going on for long and he is extremely sorry. I know this sounds silly but everyone including his friends are shocked. He’s the last person in the world to do this sort of thing. He says its been building up for a while and has felt unhappy but kept burying what made him unhappy and carried on- he feels this was trying at the relationship. I know he still loves me and when we had time together we were always having a hug or a giggle. Yes we fell out and I can see we had stuff to work on so I really want to make a go of it but he says no and that hurts more than him cheating. I think he hates himself so much for it he can’t forgive himself and is walking away for that reason. What can I do? I can’t lose him it will kill me,

    • Relationships require two people working together. Your boyfriend will need to forgive himself whether he stays in the relationship or not. You will need to learn to trust again regardless of whether you stay together or not. If he is willing, keep communicating so that you can both understand how you got where you are. Maybe going to therapy will help you both figure out where to go from here.

  15. I just found out today that while my
    Husband was at tech school for the military he slept with another woman and made plans to run away with her, saying he loved her. I am truly confused as we have always had an amazing relationship! We have a 9 month old daughter together and I am trying so so so hard to try and forgive it. I honestly don’t know if I can but I’m flying to Texas to see what we can do. He already agreed to go to therapy.

  16. All I feel is pain and sadness like I have never experienced in my life, I hate myself for allowing one person to effect me so deeply. My D-Day has been 2wks ago my husband fell for a co-work and has been hiding the relationship for 4 months. I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about it. I was never been a weak person but all I do is cry and ask my self why, the thing that hurts me the most is that he can’t give me an answer to ‘why’… My question to myself is’ why do I still love him?’

    • I wondered that same exact question in the beginning. I was so hurt but I didn’t want him to leave me. I wanted him near me while I figured out what I was going to do. It’s the strangest dichotomy… this burning pain and betrayal but the love was like an undertone in my life. Even when I felt like the world had pushed me down and taken everything from me, our love was still there. I can’t explain. Keep talking to your husband. Find a therapist. You don’t need to tell anyone you don’t want to tell but it helps to find a therapist that can be a safe place for both of you.

  17. Thank you so much for this. I just found out today my husband cheated in me 7 out of the 9 months we were engaged and we have only been married for a month.. He was sleeping with his receptionist. I’ve had the hardest day and reading your article really helped me put Into perspective how id like to handle it.

  18. I found out my husband has the std syphilis two days ago, he 1st claimed he didn’t sleep with anyone besides me. We will be married 14 years this year and have two beautiful kids,after begging and pleading with him to tell me, because you can only get it by having had oral sex, intercourse with someone that’s infected, he came out with some story that doesn’t even make sense. This is not the 1st time that he cheated on me, but he always maintained that it was never physically and I think that is why I took him back every time, he is such pleasant person to be around with and a great father. I told him the last time that it happened again our marriage would be over, I don’t know what to do, I want to get tested as well but didn’t get around to it yet.

    • The first thing you need to do is get tested for all stds. Go to your doctor or go to a walk-in clinic if you want to be anonymously tested. Then you need to take care of yourself–eat, sleep and focus on what you want/need. You need to demand honesty from your husband because being a pleasant person just isn’t enough to make a marriage work. Your happiness is important. Your husband needs to find a therapist for himself and would also recommend that you both go together too. You need to communicate with each other and figure out where you are going next. You deserve the truth. Take care.

  19. I found out yesterday that my husband cheated on me. It was one time just a few weeks ago with an older woman whom he has still been in contact with since I know of monday. I don’t know of what to do. I felt like a lot of women that I could trust him all the way. He always told me he wouldn’t put himself in that position but he did and he took it all the way. I don’t know if I can be with him after this. It hurts to much the images of another woman’s hands on him of him having sex with another woman. It’s been less than 24 hours and I need more time to really be sure of my decision but I told him I only believed in 2 things for divorce cheating and abuse and he had to do one of them. He says he’s so sorry and he didn’t even want to do it but right now his words mean nothing to me. I have noticed a difference in him these last couple weeks. He has been down a lot and now I know why. He was guilty. What do I do? 10 years together 4 years of marriage and 3 beautiful daughters. How could he throw that away? He told me he knew he was going to tell me but he knew it would end our marriage. I have too much pain in my heart already he was the only one I could turn to for comfort and I have lost that. I lonely and lost. I never thought he would do this.

    • All I wanted in the beginning was for someone to tell me what to do because I didn’t know what to do. Unfortunately, I don’t have the answers for you either. My best advice would be to tell you that you do not need to make any decisions right now in the wake of finding this out. You need to take care of yourself. Eat, sleep and don’t spend every minute of your day focused on the affair. Let your daughters be a perfect, beautiful distraction from the pain. Understand that your husband did not cheat to throw away your marriage. His affair was not because of you it was a choice he made (albeit a bad one). It’s hard to separate our husband’s actions from ourselves. Talk to your husband. Communicate how you feel. If you can, find a therapist and go together and/or individually. For me, I needed my husband to figure out how he was able to cheat on me for an entire year. How he was feeling neglected by me but never really talked to me about how he felt. In the end, all I can tell you is that it takes time. You are not alone… there is an entire community of women here with you. You will be okay.

      • How do you get your husband to tell you anything? My husband will go to the grave with his secrets I believe. I’m not quite sure why he won’t tell me. I’ve come to think it is just his lying nature.

      • I am not sure if I really did anything. In the first few days of discovering my husband’s affair I told my husband I wasn’t sure I would stay in our marriage but I had never foreseen my life without him. I was sitting in our living room alone when my husband came in the room. He got down and told me he would do anything it took to fix what he broke. At some point in that first week he promised me absolute truths. He was always willing to answer my questions. Sometimes he was hesitant when he knew what he might say would hurt but I promised him I would never hold his honesty when I asked him a question against him. I needed to understand what happened–between us and with him and bis affair partner. I honestly think it’s very hard for the cheating spouse to tell the truth because they know what they are going to say is going to cause pain and be hurtful. My husband was ashamed of himself, he hated his actions and he needed to try to make ammends. There were times I worried that knowing the truth was hurting me more but the images in my head were much worse than the truth.

      • I know my husband is ashamed and embarrassed but he does not want to tell me anything. He’s admitted just basic things that keep it rated G but I know it goes beyond that. And although he has told me several times it’s over I keep finding it is not. That is as recently as Friday and Saturday last week. But he again denies it. Today I told him again that it is very important for me to have the truth. His comment was he would check in at work (he transferred to a new location) and then come home and we could hash things out. Then he said it would be a waste of time because it would just end our relationship. I said unless he planned on telling me the truth it would be a waste of time. But that the truth would help to heal this and no matter what he did as long as he told me (I don’t want the gory details) I would forgive again and move forward with him. He doesn’t understand that I desperately need to understand why this happened and how it is not going to happen again especially since that is what he is telling me. He wants me to leave well enough alone. I believe that uncovering the secret will demystify it somewhat and we can work together if he is having a hard time breaking away from her if he really wants to.

        I’m so glad your husband opened up to you. I have hope mine will too. I’m at the end of my rope and if he doesn’t trust me enough to talk to me with the truth and respect me enough to be faithful then I will be ending this. After 25 years that really sucks.

  20. i found out two days ago. Ive been married for nine years. This has been going on since a couple years after we got married and hasn’t happened for a whole yr now, before we had children. i It was all about the sex for him. There were things i wasn’t willing to do in the bedroom, We found this out after a great deal of sexual exploration between us. All i can say is, i love sex and i like to experiment, but i am not a porn star. So he paid hookers so he could do what he wanted to them. he says he has tried to stop a few times. This is the first website i have seen seeking any advice since finding out. i recognize he has a sex addiction. So i want to get him help and make this work. however, Though he has stopped. i can never be sure that he wont do this again. My whole life i have always believed once a cheater always a cheater. So i ask myself why i bother to try if the chances for success are so slim. But i know. It because i still love him very deeply and he loves me so much as well, it worth a try even if our chances are small, because love is worth fighting for. if it is possible, he is more devastated from me finding out than i was. we are broke some i’m not really sure how we can afford counseling. i am resolved to keep our family together no matter what, even if that means we have to reinvent what it is to be married.. or simply continue living together as divorced. I keep asking myself if i am making these decisions out of a place of strength, or out of weakness.

    • i wanted to clarify, that this didn’t stop before we had children, that sentence got scrambled and it is misleading. It continued through my pregnancies and after we had children. That is one of the most devastating aspects, to all of this.

      • I get messages all the time from Other Women that are involved with married men. They always say to me: “Once a cheater always a cheater.” I absolutely agree with that statement. Most people cheat for the same reason an alcoholic drinks and an addict uses drugs. When I start to look at the reasons my husband cheated it was because he had low self-esteem. He felt insecure. He felt like a disappointment and he wanted something to help him escape. His affair partner made him feel like a hero. She adored him, she gave him positive reassurance and she gave him the attention he thought he deserved and needed. He would see her and then promise himself he wouldn’t do it again. Or he would tell himself he could end the affair at any time, that he didn’t need it. But the affair gave him a high that he became addicted to. It wasn’t really about her–it was about the high.
        You have to decide if you want to date or be romantic with your husband. What do you need from him and yourself if you were to make your marriage work again? Your husband has to be able to do whatever it takes if you even consider taking him back. I would start with therapy together and both of you separately too. I think that was a huge help for me to move forward.

    • It seems he is a sex addict. I think there is a big difference with trying to make something work with a one time offense and a serial cheater….you can choose to stay but just expect to be on this rollercoaster….he has an addiction and like cocain its hard to break. Its a process that he must be commited to.

  21. Hello, I just found out that my husband of 5 years has been cheating on me with an old friend from high school. Everything started 3 months ago when he went to his high school reunion which it was held back at his hometown. When he came back he was a total stranger, treating me with no respect acting as if I didn’t exist. For the past 2 weeks he has been out of the house because he said he needed some time. I was against it, but if it’s to help my marriage I said ok. He told me he need to think about our marriage, I asked him if there was someone else and he promised me and said no. He has been in and out of the house. last week was our anniversary and he sent me an email saying he loves me and that night he came home saying that even tho we were not good he still wanted to spend our anniversary together. in the past week I found a picture of her on his phone and this past weekend I found out that they are talking about going out of the country together. This weekend he came over the house and we talked about our relationship and he tells me how unhappy he is but that he still loves me and want our relationship to work. Just last Saturday before he went back to his moms house we made love twice. He came to our family gathering on Sunday acted super normal. There was something inside of me that didn’t want to believe that he is cheating on me, but now I know for sure, and today I’m confronting him and telling him I know everything and that he needs to make a decision of what he wants, cause I can not live my life like this anymore. At the same time he wants to spend time with me, make love to me, saying he wants us to work it out, spending time with my family, we are under new construction at the house because back in April we were talking about having kids. To find out he is talking to another woman about making plans to go out of the country? I love him very much! never thought this would happen to me. If he says he is sorry and want us to be together, I know it will be a long process, and if he tells me that yes this is it he is in love with her and all, then that’s it! I can not take all the roller coaster I’ve been on. I just need to know!

  22. My husband of 19 years told me he was no longer in love with me 6 months ago. He was adamant there was noone else. At about the same time he had a cancer scare. We are getting through his cancer, have a passionate sex life, we talk and he tells me he ‘loves me’ all the time, but needs the physical attraction back. Then ….. my D-Day, 10 days ago I confronted him again. He admitted he had been seeing someone else for over a year and was IN love with her. He was torn between ending a 19 year marriage, with three beautiful children, and losing my love vs. following his heart with this new woman. I silently listened while he sobbed beside me. I didnt get angry, I knew that would only reinforce his desire to leave, after all, why stay if you are hated? I love him more than ever, I have lost my appetite and lost 10kg since this day. And yet I have told nobody of my pain as I love him too much for my friends and family to hate him. This might sound strange, but this us how I am dealing with it. He has ended it with ‘her’, but is heartbroken. Crazily, I hurt for him that he got himself into this situation. He is away for work right now (out of the country with no chance of anything else going on) and we are desperately missing each other. All I can say to those who are suffering is try not to tell the world, there is some hope, although right now I am holding onto all of it. Take care

    • Will he consider going to therapy with you before he makes a final decision? I think if you can talk to each other with a neutral party that will give you both clarity. I know how much it hurts and it must be causing you so much pain to hear him say those words.

      • His final decision has been to work on our marriage. He has been seeing a counselor but has decided she is doing more harm than good …. while he wants to make ‘us’ work, she is encouraging him to explore his feelings for ‘her’ and me. The counselor is not interested in saving a marriage, and this frustrates me (and him) incredibly.
        It is too raw for me to see someone WITH him right now, although we have spoken to the same person independently, so they know how we both feel. It is hard to look at someone who you know does not look back with the same feelings.
        To add to my pain a stranger called me at work to tell me about my husband’s affair….what if I didn’t know? This was incredibly cruel and thoughtless, even though they believe they were doing the right thing. I don’t know who this was, nor does my husband. It’s the reminders like this that hurt when we are trying to rebuild.
        I think the key is to read the positive stories, and I hope to be one of those for someone else suffering.

  23. Hi there 2 1/2 years after d day and still I feel a million miles away from healing. But I feel I will never heal because of my husbands inability to respond to me in the right manner. But am I wrong ? Is he right? This is the question I need answering. We have had no Counciling. Cannot afford it. My husband since do day as drip feed me very little. His answer to any questions I have are I ain’t going over that again, he will get angry with me and there’s yet another reason for me to get hysterical and say nasty things and throw it all back in his face. Apart from not wanting to talk about he as done almost everything in his power to put things right. So when I kick off I get thrown in my face I have done everything to try and make this work but you just carnt move on. You just need something to moan about. I then feel guilty and what ever it was I needed at the time I apologies for needing and say sorry to him. This is how the cycle as progressed and is still progressing. If I can just explain the last little episode which I feel as made me find anger I never knew u had and believe me I have got some. My husband us a black cab driver, and since doing this job which is just over a year. He as meet some new friends, if that’s what they should be called. I check my husbands phone every morning it’s a ritual of mine, I track him so this is checked every morning. Sorry apparently it was an emotional affair and most if it was done in the phone over a five month period till d day and a further three months I believe after he came back, but that as never been proven. Anyway Monday morning I checked his phone as normal and found a text on there which was a group chat amongst his fellow cab drivers. My husband had not been a work all weekend and they were wondering where he was and was having a bit if banter. But the last comment made was ( he must be having a certain road night) this road is where the ow lives. Of course I was not rational, it tipped me over the edge again and I replied some form of abusive message back asking how these people knew about this road? If I can explain further here, as I said I track my husband and my husband is a surburban cab trying so as a sector he works in, here address comes under this sector. Awkward for him, makes his work difficult, but I have asked he does not enter certain boundaries or go near here house. This he does, we’ll to a certain extent, is does go over the bounderies sometimes and this causes problems. Now my first reaction was that I felt humiliated all over again, not only do the people know who I bedded to tell because I needed help when d day came. But he had been telling total strangers. People who didn’t need to know. And if I am honest this person he told, is not someone you would exspect someone to confide in. I know not of him just little if previous texts and comments he as made a put it this way he as no respect for women, at all. And I would exspect that he as cheated many times on his wife and will carry on doing so. This I now know to be true if him, as he as told me himself how he messes up and his wife is not happy with him?? This was in a text. Further more this man was invited to my house the week previous to a family party. He didn’t attend but I keep thinking. How disrespectful of my husband to bring this man to my house knowing he knows, yet I don’t know he knows. So it’s like he as betrayed me again. Put me in a position where I again can be humiliated, I am on the outside if the know if you get me. I am going on here so please bare with me, the same morning when I read the text I asked my husband how he knew and he told me to my face that only Paul knows ( of which I was aware) so he must of told them, now I then get a text from this person in reply to my abuse and he tells me to calm down mark just confused in me in a man to man chat because I asked why he couldn’t go to a certain area. My husband then told me ( changed his mind? ) we’ll yes when people ask why I carnt go there I have to tell them but they don’t know the details just that I made a mistake. Really my opinion is that if I was trying to make my marriage work I would do everything to protect my wife and how three children and keep it quiet, not make it public knowledge thst he cheated, surely this can only give someone ammunition to intrude on my healing? Of which it as done.!! But the bottom line is here I have gone mental again, it’s brought up and made me think about all the things he as done to me, we have not spoke in iver a week apart from the abusuve texts I send him when I am left alone to go over it again and again in my head. And he is angry with me, calling me names. Not once as he said sorry, not once as he tried to offer an explanation or understand how this as effected me once again, and truth is today I sit and wonder is it my fault? Have I over reacted again? Is this just me causing myself pain again? Because this is what unhave become accustomed to when I feel the pain and humiliation if what he did to us? I just need someone else’s opinion on where u should go from here? I am sorry for going on so much and would appreciate any feedback yours truly ! A women who’s world as she knew it was blown apart, 30 years I invested in this marriage, for what! Sorry that’s for the ow on here looking for excuses as to why she as no morals, no compassion and no understanding of what pain she caused or is about to cause

    • Hi Max,
      It sounds like you are the one putting every effort into trying to heal but not receiving anything in return from your husband. It is not your fault. Your husband cheated–not you. First, you don’t deserve a man that calls you names and makes you feel at fault for his mistakes. I know you have children and it makes it difficult but you have to take care of yourself and them. Them witnessing this treatment is changing them. I know it’s hard to be strong when you feel like you have been pushed into a corner–emotionally, financially and physically. You deserve respect, you deserve the truth and you deserve love. Please take care of yourself. Please find a church minister that will offer you counseling for free. Do you have someone that will support you? Take care….

  24. Yesterday was my D day and I can’t cope with the idea that my loving and loyal husband has been cheating on me ‘maybe for two years’ he says. There has been more than one person, and it has been ‘casual’, but I asked what she was like – younger (yes), a smart business woman (yes). He has been giving his best social and sexual self to someone else(s), and spending little time with me. I do not know whether to believe if she / they were/are only casual. We always had sex, but only once a week. He has had less and less time for me, and just this week on holiday showed no interest – and so I asked him what was going on. I had to probe a lot before he would finally tell the truth (or some of it). He now says he wants a ‘sexless marriage’ – I am very confused. He loves me but is not sexually attracted to me. To top it off we live apart a lot due to work arrangements, and after the huge panic attack/hysteria and jagged crying over several hours, I left our home because I just wanted to run away from the pain. He has said sorry, but then has said ‘he will provide for me’. I feel terrified. He uses words to comfort me but then other things he said tells me has already thought it all through and is already gone. We went on a wonderful 30th anniversary last year – and he was cheating then. It was all a sham. I can’t make the panic feeling go away. He said he would call today, but he did not. I have sat by the phone waiting. I’m 55, we have two beautiful daughters and one is still at uni. I have put on weight (it’s just after menopause), and I feel very ugly and unloved. I subordinated my needs to his demanding career all our marriage, and now I have little chance of a decent career myself, (the current job is a limited contract), and I feel physically, emotionally and financially at risk. I can’t sleep, I can’t work or focus and part of my job involves taking care of students who have problems of their own. Ironic. Is there any chance he will try to make it work? Or is he out the door now? He can’t say why he did /is doing it, and I now understand it may have been fun sex, but it was also about wanting more attention. I don’t even know if he still is doing it, or when he last did. Why after cheating for two years and still relating to me sexually and emotionally, has he now decided he doesn’t want to have sex with me? Is that the death knell? Do I not get any chance to ask for an effort to make it better? That seems so unfair and much harder to deal with.

    • Hi Robyn,
      I am sorry to read your story. After finding out about my husband’s affair I felt that panicked feeling too. I was sad and I felt like my entire world was caving in. Is your husband looking to end your marriage? It sounds like you want to try to forgive him and rebuild your marriage. I know you understand how difficult the journey is ahead. Try to go see a therapist together. Is he saying he wants a sexless marriage because he is not attracted or because he is punishing himself? Sometimes when betrayers are in the affair-mode they operate in a haze. They believe lies they’ve convinced themselves are true to avoid really looking at what they have done or how they are hurting the people they love. It’s an emotional disconnection. If he will not go to a marriage counselor with you then you should try to find a therapist to go alone. Or do both–I found that to be necessary as I went through everything. Try to get together in person and discuss this. Or talk online so you can see each other face-to-face. I would recommend your husband read the book–How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. Whether he stays or leaves he needs to understand the damage he’s caused and responsible for. If you need a book to read, I recommend How My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me. Sending you warm thoughts and hugs.

  25. I was blindsided 3 nights ago when I awoke to my husband crying hysterically in the living room. I went to comfort him and he kept pulling away, then he looked at me and told me he had cheated on my that day. I yelled an screamed, threw a laundry basket and hit him repeatedly. My best friend and my rock, my soulmate and other half was able to hurt me in the worse way possible. It was the middle on the night and we have a 4 month old so leaving wasn’t really an option .
    We have been talking non stop since he told me. He has been so open and honest with me….it was one time, there was no long drawn out emotional affair. He said he felt like he was missing out on something and he set it up and had sex with her all in the same day (she is a coworker that is super flirty with him).
    I just don’t know how to react anymore. I am so numb. I still have not really cried about it and I am the type of.person that cries at Disney movies. I also just want to be with him. I have become clingy and I want to constantly be touching him. We have had sex 3 times in the last 2 days as well and it is all initiated by me. We have set up counseling but I’m afraid I will never be able to get over this. I see the remorse and the regret in his face and I believe him when he tells me it will never happen again but it still hurts so bad. I’m worried it will haunt me for the rest of my life.

    • I am glad that you set up an appointment with a therapist. It’s important that you continue to talk with your husband about how you are feeling. I hope that him telling you the truth was a step forward. None of us can promise anything will never happen in life but i hope your husband’s promise to you includes that he will tell you if he is ever tempted again. How is he dealing with the coworker now? Has she backed off? Do you feel comfortable with them working together or is he looking for a new position? Keep talking. Keep telling him what you need. Take care.

  26. My husband and I have been together for 3 years and married almost 1. I fell in love with this man early on because he truly worked so hard to win me over. We both always shared this huge mutual respect and we were best friends. Ive never had any reason to suspect him for any foul play because we always loved and respected each other so much It never crossed my mind. I was truly happy and thanked God everyday for the life he had blessed me with. Well, I recently was speaking with his mom on the phone and he ended up falling asleep. when I hung up, dead center of his phone was a dating app. I felt my heart completely melt inside my chest, my hands were shaking I was breathing hard, it felt like I was having a heart attack. I went through and found that he had just recently opened the app but was trading sexual conversation with other women. I couldn’t believe this, we’ve always had a very spontaneous and amazing sex life….no reason to stray at all. To make matters worse there was one conversation with a woman arranging to meet up and then the next day she messaged him asking him to rate her should I say “Oral Job” and he replied a 10.5. As i stand there with shaking hands I felt like i was married to a stranger. I had friends who confided in me about their unfaithful men but I always held a deep security and content feeling because I just knew my love was designed just for me and would never fall into these unfaithful men category…I WAS SOOO BLIND…..and being 8 months pregnant didn’t make me feel any better. I woke him up asking him how long has he been looking for sex online, he adamantly denied everything. To make matters worse we were on a weekend trip in Berlin so I couldn’t leave the hotel I had no clue where to go….a hr later he finally decided to come to me and admit the situation. We have talked but he still denies he never met up with anyone. I asked the reason and he says he honestly doesn’t have one he was just bored n stupid one day and it sorta snowballed…but he swears he is so happy and still in love with me and couldn’t ask for a better life. But thats whats scares me. If we were miserable I could see something like this coming….but WE WERE HAPPY!…and he still for no apparent reason wasn’t satisfied. I don’t want to leave him for the one wrong thing he’s done out of the million right things because my love for my husband is unconditional. But how do I heal, how do i look at him and not see a liar and stranger, I know I can trust him again Its never been hard for me to give my trust but I just feel why should I….he doesn’t deserve such a virtuous women. Ive forgiven him but I am finding it so hard to forget and I’m trying everyday.

    • Forgiveness and trust are difficult to earn back once they are gone. Is your husband willing to see a therapist to figure out why he started this behavior? Will he admit if he’s ever done anything like this before?
      While he may be happy and satisfied in your marriage he may have low self-esteem. Becoming a father may be messing with him and making him feel insecure or maybe there is something at work or financial stresses that f-ed with his mind. For my husband, he entered into a relationship with his affair partner because he felt like he was failing me as a husband/provider/lover/etc. All his insecurities were projected onto me and all of a sudden he believed that I was the one feeling that way–not him. His affair partner was an escape because he felt like a hero to her and in control. She didn’t know everything. There’s no excuse for cheating or lying.
      You have to decide what you can live with and if you can move forward in your marriage. Take care of yourself and your baby. Focus on what you know you need and love. That will show you where to go next.

  27. I suspected my husband of cheating about 3-4 months ago and found out about 1-2 months after that something was indeed going on. He swears there was never any “technical” cheating which to him means sex. He even has gone as far as to say that he never touched her yet he would come home smelling like another woman almost every night. I have found very incriminating emails with phrases my husband used like – “that’s why I’m so in love with you”, “I wish you could be me for just one experience”, “I would stop the world from turning for you” etc. She has said “you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me”, I can’t wait to feel you in my arms and in me”, “I love you so much” etc.

    He has told me it was over at least 3-4 times with the last time being about a month ago. But each time (not sure about now) he was really still with her. We are still together and it is killing me. He is a car salesman who works 60-90 minutes from home depending on the traffic. In car sales there is a chance that one could work past closing time and he used this to make excuses for his behavior. I really want our marriage to heal. We have been married for 22 years next month and together for 25. We have kids and grandkids and I truly love him, love spending time with him and we get a long well. There were a few issues prior to my finding out about this and I have made changes in all the areas he was having a problem with. The sex is better (it was good before this it’s just great now) and I don’t sweat the small stuff. Sorry I’m all over the board here. This is killing me because I completely don’t trust him and he is still behaving like he is cheating. We have 2 great days together (his days off) and then 5 days when he is working that I have high anxiety . I have messed up bowels because of all the stress and haven’t had a normal bowel movement in 3 months (TMI sorry).

    I’m trying to get myself in a good place where I can make a decision about us but I can’t seem to get there. As every week goes by I feel we are closer and closer to divorce. Every day I wish her a horrible death and sometimes him too. Trying to work it out is not for the faint at heart. This has been the most difficult thing I have had to go through in my life and I once was wrongfully accused of hurting or allowing harm to come to my then 2 year old and she was taken away from me for several days until it got sorted out. So I do know pain and suffering. This is hard and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone except for the people like this whore who has wedged herself between my husband and me. (yes I know he is part of this too because he made the choice and may still be making the choice to have her in his life. problem is I asked her to please leave him alone so we can sort this out and she just won’t. what is wrong with women these days?!)

    So the answer to now what for me is I don’t know. I take it day by day but don’t seem to be getting any closer to healing. I even lost my job because I had a breakdown because of this. I’ve definitely come out on the losing end of all of this. I have to stop feeling like a victim but it’s hard when my confidence is shattered, heart shredded and depressed because of it. Why I hold on to hope I may never know.

    • It sounds like you’ve been open and willing to do anything to fix your marriage but you don’t know if you can trust your husband anymore. Does your husband know about the emails you found and if he does, how does he answer to them? Does he pretend things are okay or does he realize that you are getting to the end of your rope? Before I found my husband’s secret email account I confronted him on his “friendship” with Bat Shit. He pushed off my suggestions and tried to point a finger back at my friendships with some men I worked with. He was not going to admit the truth even when I told him I was very aware of the fact that Bat Shit liked him and I didn’t trust her. He wouldn’t discuss it or listen to me. While he was in the affair he didn’t care about the way his relationship with this woman made me feel and he was unwilling to change his interactions with her to make me feel better. Even if he didn’t say those words exactly, that’s how he made me feel. Looking back now he’s embarrassed, ashamed and horrified by the way he treated me–I was secondary. It’s possible your husband believes he can hide the truth from you. Will he go to therapy with you? Maybe if there is a third party involved he will be open to discussing what’s going on.
      You have to take care of yourself. I know the stress of everything else causes physical illness. I am the same way–I end up sick when I am completely stressed and overwhelmed.

      • Thanks for the reply. My husband does know that I know about the emails and texts. I sort of wear everything on my sleeve. He first said that he was being set up. Then he said he really was the one that sent them but it meant nothing and was just goofing around. I believe some of it could have been just sexting (eww unless with me) but some of it revealed what they did together as well.

        I think he thinks when we are not talking about this stuff everything is ok. We get along great and have a lot of fun. I think he legitimately believes I might have moved on. It appears he wants to keep both of us going until one of us breaks or he gets tired of one. I don’t believe he would leave me unless I get too crazy again. I have a tendency to do that when I’m being lied to and cheated on but I am trying really hard not to. Saturday was my worst ever. I found out he spent part of the day with her (he denies it) leaving work early to do so on the last sales day of the month with some pretty bad sales numbers. I screamed and cried and broke the iron, some video game pieces and my iPhone 5. That alone was expensive. This affair has hurt us in so many ways with financial being a big one but I would live in a cardboard box to have my husband faithful to me.

        He has gotten better for the past 6 weeks I would say. It makes it seem like he is not seeing her but he is. I don’t know why he was so mean to me for 6 weeks and then made a complete turn around. The only thing I can think of is that he was trying to push me away but then finally realized I wasn’t going anywhere. It still makes no sense to me though.

        He said he would go to counseling (he hates things like that) but kept canceling his appts. My job carried the insurance and as of this month we do not have insurance and he doesn’t want to talk to one of our pastors because he thinks they will judge him and only think about that when they see him. I understand but it sure would help.

    • Reading your post this is exactly how I feel. I have thought the same things about the whore. I asked her to leave us alone,but she continues to be there. Every day is a struggle . You never want them to leave your sight and the anxiety builds when they are not.
      I really do appreciate where you are at and how hard it is. I’m sure part of you wishes you could end it and move forward ,but like me I can’t. I’m hanging onto a life that isn’t there anymore as they have crushed that innocence of my relationship and made it broken. If your partner is like mine they are oblivious to my pain and lack of trust. They feel I’m with you so I chose you not her. Oh hello I chose to take you back. They are doing me a favour .
      Hang in there like me . Every day I try be positive and talk to my great friends . What more can you do .

  28. Hello, I am so happy I came across your blog. I just recently found out that my husband cheated on me. He didn’t have a girlfriend, or anything long term, but he did sleep with 4 or 5 random girls (including a stripper).

    I chose to forgive him. You see, my husband is a drunk. He is fresh out of a treatment center and trying really hard. He told me the truth because he felt he couldn’t heal and work on us without telling me his dirty little secret. Because of his drinking we would fight all the time and I would never want to have sex with him.

    Like you, I’ve google multiple sites look for answers. I question my decision every day. The part that scares me the most is that I don’t feel any anger. I feel hurt and betrayed, but no anger. Our relationship was in a horrible place before he decided to go to a treatment center.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I hope my husband and I can pull threw this. I love him so much and I hate that it took rehab for me to realize it. For him
    , too.

    • This sounds really bad but I think I would be able to deal with my husband having one night stands over this relationship he is having. What hurts me the most is the fact that he would give the limited precious time we have together to someone else. That he would have dates with someone else and laugh and have fun kills me.

      I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s hard enough living with an alcoholic than to add this added stress and betrayal.

  29. I forgot to mention that he refused to come home after confessing unless we both agreed to seek couseling individually, and together. He is also seeing a psychiatrist. He has shown me he wants to be better, but I still question my decision. I don’t know why? He didn’t have to tell me, and he did. It wasn’t like I would ever find out. He didn’t know these girls and they all lived in different states. He traveled for work a lot. :-/ I don’t know…. *sigh*

    • I think it’s normal to not feel anger. There were moments in the beginning of finding out my husband’s affair that I was angry at what he said. He said: “She was my friend” and that pushed me over he edge and I slapped my husband which is completely out of my character. I yelled at him and told him a friend doesn’t ask you to cheat on your wife. A friend does not encourage you to lie and deceive your wife. He says he heard me in that moment. But I never broke a plate or tore the house apart in anger. I yelled while I was alone in the car to release stress. But I was able to separate his actions from him. I hated what he did. Maybe you have that clarity. Or maybe you just haven’t gotten to that stage yet. Maybe you never will.
      It sounds like your husband’s alcohol problem also led to a sexual problem. He was using sex just like he was using alcohol to mask some inner pain or insecurities? Maybe this was how he learned to cope with stress? I hope the rehab program he is in is helping him with both issues and problems.
      I know there are other women who wish they never found out the truth. While I have moments where I wonder if I would be better off never knowing… I fear that if I didn’t discover my husband’s affair that it would have destroyed him and eventually our marriage. It was already doing a good job of that…
      Your situation is a bit different since the women were more random. I think your husband’s rehab program will be very helpful. I hope you are finding someone to speak with too. I wish you all the best.

  30. These have all been great comments. 2 years ago my husband of 19 years left me to be with a friend (now ex) of mine — we have 4 children together, worked together, and lived a happy full life together sharing all of our work, family and leisure together. He never mentioned that there was anything missing in our relationship or that there were any problems. I had an MVA in 2011, which seems to have been the turning point for him. He then spend a lot of time with her (my ex-friend- although at the time still my friend) as she helped make meals for the family and support him and them. They had an affair in early 2012 and he ended our relationship in mid 2012 stating he wanted to be with her (she also ended her long-term relationship to be with him). They have been together (as far as I know) ever since even though they live in separate houses.
    My life as I knew it ended 2 years ago. I only have my children 50% of the time, my shared work life with him is tainted and while I am trying to focus on myself and develop a new focus — I still can’t understand how someone I loved could do this to another human being. How do your rebuild and trust again?
    I do not have the possibility of re-building a long-term relationship.
    How long does it take to be open to something new?

    • I think regardless of whether the couple remains together or decides to end their relationship trust is the most difficult thing to rebuild. I feel like even in new friendships I make that I am sometimes paranoid of another person’s intentions. One of my favorite blogs written by a betrayed wife that rebuilt her life one step at a time (and is now remarried) is by Lisa Arends: She wrote a book about her experience and she blogs about here experience and the difficulty she had learning to trust a man after being betrayed.
      For me, it took time. I felt like I couldn’t trust anything in the beginning with my husband. I realized that I had to prove my paranoia wrong if I was going to move forward.

  31. My D-Day was yesterday, two days before our 14th anniversary. A young, divorced, single mom moved to our town about a year ago and he felt like I could really befriend her and give her some moral support and mentorship. You see, we are in the ministry at our church and we wanted to extend compassion and love to her through her painful divorce from her adulterous husband. She and I became friends and my husband took her eight year old son under his wings. We have three children of our own and they all got along great. I started having some weird dreams and feelings that something was not right. When I shared them with my husband, he assured me that everything was fine and that I was over reacting. This feeling went on for several months and I kept asking him to draw a line between our family and them. Not to blow them off, but to simply ease up on how much time we spent together. He acted as if I were dumb but again, assured me there was nothing going on. He loved me, he said. Yesterday, something told me to check his texts and emails on his phone. There it all was. Nude pics. Texts. A fake email account so I wouldn’t know. After telling me no sex was involved, only texting and pics, I found out that it was sex, and many times. He has had her in our home, at our office, in my vehicles. And even took her out of town for a weekend when he was supposed to be on a job site. I went ballistic. Words I didn’t even know I knew came our of my mouth. He told me he had called it off with her the night before. That he loved me and wanted to work things out. He feels horrible but I feel worse. I trusted him time and time again when he assured me nothing was going on. He went through great lengths to conceal that he was meeting her for lunch, taking her out of town, hooking up at every opportunity. This happened for six weeks. I feel like the biggest fool that ever lived. She and her son would come to my house for dinner, and act as if nothing was going on. I have texts where he told her he lived her and was going to leave me for her. He says he was lying to her. How will I ever know what the truth is? I have cried my eyes out yesterday and today. I love him so much but I hate him for this. I want to forgive him, especially for my own sake. I cannot expect mercy if I don’t show mercy. I honestly don’t know what to do. He says that he was never able to get a full erection with her and would leave her to come home to me. We would proceed to have amazing sex. I don’t even know how to analyze that now that I know what happened prior. I keep swing the pics and his texts to her and I cannot stop the anger and the hopeless feeling that I have. My life will never be the same. The trust and the image I had of my husband will never be the same. The woman is moving across the country this weekend so I will not have to face her at church. Ha. Isn’t that hilarious? My husband says he loves me and is extremely remorseful and repentant but after all he has lied about how will I know if he’s ever telling me truth again? I don’t want to be suspicious of him all the time and wonder where he is or who he’s calling or texting. I can’t live like that. I guess I just need someone to help me carry this all. It is so heavy and I don’t know what to do to get through the hate and anger. I texted her all the pics back and told her my husband would be needing them, or her, any more. Then I deleted them. She said she was sorry but I am not at a point where I can forgive her yet either. Please, someone who is successful in rebuilding their marriage, please tell me it will be ok. That I will be ok. I don’t want to end up a bitter woman with regrets to my dying day. I don’t want my children to suffer any more of this. But I am finding it so very hard to push images and texts out of my mind. This hurts so bad.

  32. 6 weeks have passd since I discovered my partner was having an affair with a colleague. I suspected for some time and finding out almost made me feel relief for my paranoia .
    Since it’s been discovered they finished the affair and my partner said they wanted me. Intimacy as halted with me. They still work together and promise me it’s not going on. I just can’t believe you go from an affair to nothing and just carry on working together. Both teachers so can’t move schools. Every day when they go from my sight I wonder . When they come home late from school I suspect . It’s killing me. Last night I asked ” you would tell me if you didn’t want us and respect me enough if you were wanting that person again?” Instead of reassuring me they went quiet and said” I’m with you” those words didn’t fill me with security and so I’m just not sure. I still check phones, receipts and the car. I feel that perhaps they are just more clever at hiding it as that’s how I found out in the first place. I don’t want to lose my relationship,but I can’t get my partner to open up and show me they want me and not her.

    • Trust is impossible in beginning and it should be. You are right. Affairs are difficult to end if the contact continues unless both affair partners can commit to keeping it completely professional. The bigger issue is how can you trust if there is always that question lingering in your mind. Your partner needs to be completely and brutally honest with you about the relationship with the affair partner. Keep the lines of communication open.

  33. My husband found out I cheated on him. We had 2 kids when he found out. The truth is I cheated before we were married and I cheated because I thought I would get away with it again. I know he shouldn’t have forgiven me but he did! I had no respect for him and our marriage. I continued to cheat with several men. Men that are dogs and cheat on me! The irony. The only thing that woke me up was when my kids said that their new mommy was the best mom and most beautiful woman in the world. My kids dont respect me and I wish I never had kids with my ex husband now. This sucks! He looks so happy with her.

  34. Pingback: Healing After My Husband’s Affair | My Husband Cheated On Me

  35. My d-day was August 1st of this year. My husband and I have been married for just over two years now and I’ve given up nearly everything to be with him. We’ve known each other for years and I have up my career to move across the US to be win him.
    When we first started dating I felt like I could trust him 100% and we were very open and honest with each other. A few months after we were married I found emails that were sent between him and some girls he was talking to from craigslist. One was even talking about a time to meet up and have sex. I contacts the woman he was mainly talking to and she was very honest with him. She said they never met and that it was only messages that were sent. She said she didn’t know he was married. After I confronted him about this he felt terrible and embarrassed. He said he was drinking a lot at the time, which was true.
    We began to rebuild. Then he went out with his friends a few nights and each night got black out drunk. One of the nights he got a random girls number and also talked to his ex for a very long time at 3am. Again, I confronted him and he felt terrible. He said he doesn’t remember anything. I also discovered that he was going to strip clubs and getting lap dances. I told him after the first time I felt betrayed that I wasn’t comfortable with lap dances from other women and that I considered it cheating. He said it wouldn’t happen Again.
    Months past and we had our ups and downs. His drinking was becoming an issue and he just seemed so depressed with his life.
    We went to visit family and we had a fight three days left In our vacation. He continued to be mean and continue the stupid fight for the rest of the trip. The last night he went out with his friends, got drunk and went to a strip club.
    When he came home that night he was clearly drunk and rambling on about how he was willing to try to make the marriage work but wasn’t sure if it would. He then went to shower. He returned to the room and told me a bogus lie about how he needed to go help his friend. I offered to drive but he got so pissed off that I had to back down. I regret that.
    He returned an hour later again lying when I asked what happened. I went through is phone and as I was looking at things he got a text from a girl talking about him sneaking into his parent house and “yeah that usually happens when I got slow haha”. My heart rate was out of control and I began to shake. I called the number and a girl answered. She lied but then eventually texted me and told me that she was a stripper at the club he went to and that he went to her house to have sex. I asked for her to send me their conversation, she did. It was heartbreaking.
    I confronted my husband the next morning and he denied it until I showed him a screen shot of their conversation. I had never seen him in such a state on panic. He told me he made the worst mistake of his life and that it didn’t mean anything.
    What made it even harder for me to decide if I should forgive or leave was I found out I was pregnant the next day. I considered an abortion, something I never imagines doing.
    My husband was extremely cooperative with my constant questioning and respected my thoughts and my choices.
    I’m 12 weeks pregnant now and we are in counceling. Everything is going well, except I think about his affair almost everyday. Music, tv shows, and people tLkibg about a strippers all bring up those terrible feelings. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it. It conserns me.
    I don’t want to be a single mom, but I also don’t want to be always looking over his shoulder.

  36. I found out four days ago that my husband cheated on me with my former foster sister. The only reason he told me is because she told our mom. For some reason I am much more angry with her than him. Obviously I’m pissed at him too. Maybe because they both admit she started it. They were talking inappropriately, kisses/touching about 4-5 times over the last 6 weeks or so, and had sex one time, one week ago today, in our home.

    I’m so lost. I loved my husband so much, and I was completely blindsided by this, never would have guessed. Instinctively I don’t want a divorce. We’ve been married almost 2 years, and have worked through so much already that I don’t want to throw it all away. But I don’t know how I will ever be able to trust him again. He’s staying with his family out of state this week, but is miserable and wants to come home. Idk if I’m ready to see him yet. In my heart I want to believe that his desire to change will result in action, but his words mean next to nothing right now to me, especially since he first lied about it and said they hadn’t had sex. I miss him, yet I kinda hate him too. I just feel lost more than anything else. I don’t want to give up on him, but I feel exhausted already.

    • You may feel many different emotions as time goes on towards your husband. Love, hate, confusion, anger, sadness, happiness… Everything rides that rollercoaster of emotions. Trust is something that has to be earned back over time. I asked my husband to be completely transparent after the affair. He was willing but I still didn’t trust him. I would show up at his office unannounced to see if I could catch him doing something. I called his office to request to speak with him instead of his cell phone so that I could confirm he was at work. Even now, I would say I trust my husband but I still find myself questioning even when I know I shouldn’t. It’s just my new normal.
      Make sure you talk to your husband about how you feel about the betrayal. Tell him what you need to move forward-with our without him (and that may be a changing cycle of requests). Take care of yourself first and foremost. Rebuilding a marriage after an affair is exhausting–you are right. That’s why it’s so important to take care of you.

  37. It is amazing to me how so many women have been devastated by their husband’s choice. I too thought my husband of 22 years was a good man. Not anymore, 2 days before my birthday I found out he had slept with a girl 20 years younger than me. It’s been six weeks now and we are trying to heal but it is very hard. He has since told me he was sexual abused by his uncle when he was a child. We are getting him help for this. He was also suicidal at the time of the encounter so he is in therapy and now taking antidepressants. I have witnessed this mans self destructive behavoir for many years but had no ideal what was going on. This girl stalked him and made him feel good about himself but he still made a really bad choice. A choice that has changed everything.

    What I do know is that bad choice in our case save his life. Can I forgive him? I don’t know. Can he become a good man? I don’t know. All I know is that women are amazing creatures and we endure a lot.

  38. His affair is not a reflection of you. His affair is not your fault. You could not have prevented his affair. You will survive. I will survive, one day at a time. It’s okay if you still love him.

  39. I’ve been trying to get logged in send a post since I have been logged in this website. They say this email is already in use well of course it is it’s my email. They say this password has already been used well yes it’s my password. If that’s not enough they say either my password or username is is unavailable. I know my username.
    Please help me.

  40. i found out yesterday.i feel crushed, defeated, hurt,sick and numb all at the same feels like a dream and i keep thinking it’s a horrible trick.the last person in the world that i thought would ever break my trust.he told me himself.i dont know what to do now.i feel like the last 6 years were a wasnt planned and it was once and he stopped before sex itself, but now i just dont know.i should hate him, but i still love him.and it was while he was away for work.he will go away again,all the time, but is regret enough to stop it again?i’m just not sure. thankyou for this. i needed it.

    • I’m so sorry you find yourself here. I understand everything you are feeling. I felt exactly the same. I was blindsided by my husband’s affair and it felt like the wind was knocked out of me. I always thought I would hate my husband if he cheated but it’s not that simple. We share a life, we have three children and he’s very much a part of who I am. Keep talking to your husband. Keep the lines of communication open. Don’t let things bother you and eat away at you inside. It’s impossible to promise fidelity to our spouses but we can be honest, talk and keep the lines of communication open. I hope you are doing better but I know it’s a difficult journey.

      • i feel so alone and in a constant state of work I fake being happy and at home i feel crushed. he is away again for work and i have time to think and be quiet.are things ever the same?i felt proud to love him. now i feel ashamed and weak in a way.everything reminds me of it,words, pictures,songs,ads,his clothes,him,our bed.i started anti depressants today,in the hope that it allows me to try and move forward.i have no one i can confide in besides this so thankyou thiswillnotdefineus.

  41. This article helped somwhat i just found out a week ago but the affair happened 4 months ago it happened at his previous work place where i started working a month ago the slut he cheated with still worked there i felt like i was thrown in a lions den everyone at the work place knew about the affair i was totally blind sided with the news of betrayal when i got into an altercation with a girl that works

  42. Don’t do anything right away. Just think about what you have with your partner. Do let them know that there are consequences for every bad action. Don’t just forgive let them know how hurt you are, but be strong because an affair makes you weak, very weak and sad. The affair didn’t just come out of no where, but it does leave you in shock for a while. Your partner has to be there for you to heal it can not be a time for separation because the separation will be permanatly and the healing will never take place.

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